My husband is obsessed with sex. I have found videos, magazines for the past year 1/2 in our house, and keep throwing them away. When I was pregnant with our first, he started satisfying himself in private instead of trying to talk to me about his needs. He would just ask if I was in the mood, but I usually said no, because I was so hurt that he was doing this. I am also trying to get over his cheating on me before we were married with an 18 yr old (he was 31 at the time)-I knew all about it, but he claimed it was his right to do what he wanted because I broke up with him 2 months before that. We were living together again when it was happening. Last week, I found a bagful of Teen Porn mags in his work van. He admitted to imagining old girlfriends giving him oral sex while he masturbated, and that it was my fault for not loving him enough. But, we had been making love on and off for a while already, but that was not enough for him. I am 5 mos. pregnant, and was tired for the first trimester, and he comes home at 11 pm and watches tv. Now, we are trying to work things out, but I am so hurt and disgusted with his obsession, and I feel that I can't trust him to give it up. He says if I keep loving him, that he won't cheat on me or masturbate if he is satisfied. Any thoughts? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Please read the link below, as I have just answered a similar question from another MBer:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=5&t=001803<p>My answer to her also has hyperlinks to three other current threads and one webpage about the same topic.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by motherroot:
<strong>I am also trying to get over his cheating on me before we were married with an 18 yr old (he was 31 at the time)-I knew all about it, but he claimed it was his right to do what he wanted because I broke up with him 2 months before that. We were living together again when it was happening.<hr></blockquote></strong><p>While many will argue that there is absolutely no link between porn and infidelity, just have a look around the infidelity forums (and the threads I hyperlinked) and make up your own mind. If you are dealing with a past infidelity, you might want to also go to the infidelity forums, if you have not already posted there in the past.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Last week, I found a bagful of Teen Porn mags in his work van. He admitted to imagining old girlfriends giving him oral sex while he masturbated, and that it was my fault for not loving him enough.<hr></blockquote><p>Do not for one second by his putting the fault on you! That is simply wrong, backward and justification at its worst. He can control himself, God gave him (and each of us) the ability to think and act for ourselves; if your H chooses to view porn and use it for self-gratification that is his CHOICE. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. His viewing porn is not about you or your M, it is about him and a habit that he has been indulging in without regard to your feelings and the values of a Christian M.<p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Now, we are trying to work things out, but I am so hurt and disgusted with his obsession, and I feel that I can't trust him to give it up. He says if I keep loving him, that he won't cheat on me or masturbate if he is satisfied. Any thoughts? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>And so you should be hurt and disgusted. That is a completely normal and understandable reaction to your H's conduct. It hurts you to the core, and it hurts your intimate relationship with each other. It damages so much, as you only have to read through the few threads I have linked to see.<p>That you want this to stop now is completely understand, and you should NOT trust your H to stop. Read up on pornography and its use, including the books suggested in the threads. You will only be more convinced that porn has no place in a M, at least not where one partner does not agree to its use. POJA applies, and Harley goes as far as to say that porn simply has no place in a M. Since he has been using porn for some time, he will likely need help to break this habit. Don't be placated into thinking that any promises he makes to 'just stop' will actually be permanent. He should read about porn use, its addictive effects, its effects on his moral core, and then seek out help to break this habit.<p>As for his statement that he won't cheat "if he is satisfied", what happened to his M vows??? He did not promise to 'forsake all others' if he was getting enough from you, in the way he wanted, in a manner that satisfies him. There were no conditions attached to his vow of fidelity. (Unless you were married with vows that were completely different from any used in Christian services.) What a bunch of CR*P!<p>I am sorry for being so judgmental about your H's justifications, rationalizations and BLAME-SHIFTING, but is he really serious? If he is, then he has an extremely warped mind. Why doesn't he just say that he won't beat you as long as you don't anger him? SHEESH!<p>He needs help to GET A GRIP on reality, on what his obligations and responsibilities in a M are, on what his fundamental values are. Get to counselling, get to the pastor's/minister's/clergy's office, get this out in the open. Your H needs to take responsibility for his actions, for the consqeuences of those actions, and to decide what he is going to do about his past, present and future conduct.<p>And if he sticks to the line of thinking and behavior that he is trying to sell to you, then IMHO you have a decision to make about whether you are prepared to live by his warped sense of the world.<p>Sorry to be so forceful, but if your H is serious, then he has big, big problems. It is NOT you; it is your H. Please get help from a professional.<p>Good luck,<p>Trying Again and Again<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Trying Again and Again ]</p>

Thank you for taking the time to write such a long reply. You were right about my H not being able to just stop. Today when he went to the hardware store I searched his van again because I had this feeling that he'd been acting a bit distant the past 2 days and found a Hustler magazine. I was actually relieved that it wasn't teens again. He says he doesn't remember that one, but it was under the rug (different from where I found that batch last time). I think he bought it a few days ago when he stayed at his grandmother's house during bad weather. I am pretty sure it wasn't there before. I don't have the strength to confront him anymore, all I get is lies anyway. I'm just tired. He isn't the type to seek help, and never ever reads. I don't know what I'll do about all this just yet, but I thank you for your help and hope I can get him to agree on getting some professional help.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=3&t=000329<p> This is the link( if I did it right) to a post I had at another topic but it is so related I think you should read it.<p> Love in Christ,
cajunky

motherrot,<p>I am glad you came back here, and I hope that you read all the hyperlinked threads.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by motherroot:
<strong>You were right about my H not being able to just stop. <hr></blockquote></strong><p>I have heard promise after promise to stop, of all varieties; and I have heard my share of excuses for my H's use of porn. It has taken me a year (since I first realized that H used porn), but I am convinced that this habit will not stop until my H takes responsibility, faces the damage that his actions have caused and risk to cause in the future, and takes action to break the habit (addiction, whatever you want to call it).<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I was actually relieved that it wasn't teens again.<hr></blockquote><p>My H views teens on internet porn (or at least did, if I am to believe his latest round of promises). I asked him recently what the fascination was with such young women (girls, really, ICK), and his response is that in some ways he has not progressed beyond his adolescence. I thought that was a telling statement. After all, porn use usually does start around puberty. Some boys outgrow that phase or experimentation, and others don't with the experimentation becoming habitual and IMHO a problem.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I don't have the strength to confront him anymore, all I get is lies anyway. I'm just tired. He isn't the type to seek help, and never ever reads. I don't know what I'll do about all this just yet, but I thank you for your help and hope I can get him to agree on getting some professional help.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Whether your H will seek help or not, you should. In the threads that I linked, there are resources on what a spouse of a porn user can do and there are a number of books to help you cope while your H is still using.<p>What about printing some articles and buying a couple of books, reading them openly and trying to discuss a couple of issues that the resources talk about with your H? At least this might open a dialogue about the topic.<p>Does your H attend church? Is there a paster/minister/etc. who you could confide in and who would be able to speak to your H privately?<p>You are not alone motherroot. If you read my thread on 'In Recovery', you know that my H had an A and in the months after d-day I discovered that he viewed porn sites. It took a while for me to figure out that porn use was a regular thing (once a week or two weeks), and when I did, my H agreed to stop. Of course, he did not. After a couple of rounds of this, he told me he hat beaten it, broken the habit for good. Until last month, I thought he had not viewed porn for about 8-9 months. I was wrong, and I was devastated.<p>I still don't know what I am going to do in terms of staying in our M or not. But I don't believe his promises to stop, to get help, to really break the habit. It hurts to the core. I know that.<p>Hugs,<p>TAA

Again, thanks for the links cajunky & trying again... I still feel like my situation is very different though. My husband and I usually get along pretty well, and since I found those mags in the van, we've been "keeping busy" almost every night. Hopefully this helps with his needs. My needs are simple - honesty and fidelity. I know he hasn't cheated on me since that time we got back together (that was a very odd side of him I never thought was there). I love him very much. That's why I put up with all that pain a few years ago. I cried for almost a year, while in the beginning, he told me he wasn't sure if he even loved me. I knew he did & that he was severely hurt when I left him & started seeing someone else. We were engaged & I got scared. But, I never slept with that man, & when my H and I got back together, I severed all connections. My H still doesn't believe that we didn't sleep together. But, I don't think any of this has to do with his obsession really, but that was when I first found those magazines. I don't know. He says he wants to put the past behind us & that I can't let go. But MAYBE he can't either.
As for religion, neither of us are Christian. He was brought up going to church on Christmas Eve, and I stopped when I left Catholic school after 4th grade. When I got older, I became fascinated with all religions. Most of them lead to the same thing anyway. As for me, I believe in Jesus & Buddha (who have both helped me through some hard times - literally!). They are both dear to me. However, my H doesn't show any active belief in any type of religion. He does believe, but doesn't practice in day to day life.
As for seeking professional help, I cannot possibly afford it with my 2nd child on the way, and we just moved to a new state 2 weeks ago. My H is trying to keep the business going, and I am a homemaker. We can't even keep up with the bills right now. But, I would have to keep it a secret for a while even if I did seek help. He doesn't think he has a problem. And certainly would not read any articles or anything like that. He doesn't like any conflict whatsoever, and avoids confrontation as much as possible. He has never even tried to talk about our breakup, unless I urged him to. Or anything for that matter. He's a very simple guy, as is his whole family - noone ever fights or has any problems (they are kept between mom & daughter if any). So, everyone is always getting along well. His parents are "perfect", and really do have a great relationship. But his biological father left him at a young age. Gotta run!

motherroot,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by motherroot:
<strong>I still feel like my situation is very different though.<hr></blockquote></strong><p>All situations are very different. Maybe your H's A years ago has nothing to do with his current interest in porn. And maybe his use of porn is very recent and he will really stop now. No one is here to judge, simply to offer support and information based on their personal experience and knowledge obtained through reading, discussion, counselling, etc.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My husband and I usually get along pretty well, and since I found those mags in the van, we've been "keeping busy" almost every night. Hopefully this helps with his needs.<hr></blockquote><p>Please don't buy into his explanation that he is viewing porn because you are not fulfilling his needs. That is simply blame shifting. Pure and simple, regardless of your situation.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My needs are simple - honesty and fidelity.<hr></blockquote><p>Yes, well don't we all want honesty and fidelity? You weren't getting honesty with respect to the porn. I hope you are now. As for fidelity, if you don't think it is a 'live issue' in your M, then that is your call.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>As for religion, neither of us are Christian.<hr></blockquote><p>And does this mean that you accept his use of pornography or his comments about not cheating as long as you satisfy his needs?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>As for seeking professional help, I cannot possibly afford it... But, I would have to keep it a secret for a while even if I did seek help. He doesn't think he has a problem. And certainly would not read any articles or anything like that.<hr></blockquote><p>None of this keeps you from reading and being open to information and tools to improve your M.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He doesn't like any conflict whatsoever, and avoids confrontation as much as possible. He has never even tried to talk about our breakup, unless I urged him to. Or anything for that matter. He's a very simple guy, as is his whole family - noone ever fights or has any problems (they are kept between mom & daughter if any). So, everyone is always getting along well. <hr></blockquote><p>Are you suggesting that your H being a 'conflict avoider' helps your relationship? There is actually a kind of affair called a 'conflict avoidance affair'. So, don't kid yourself into thinking that just because you don't fight means that you have no problems that need to be dealt with.<p>By the way, no one in my H's family ever fights either. They are almost all conflict avoiders; and most also married conflict avoiders. For decades we all thought that 'no one had problems'. As it turns out 3 of the 5 marriages in my H's family (he has 4 siblings) have been affected by affairs. Each one of those As seems to be a 'conflict avoidance A'. Perhaps it is a co-incidence, but there seem to be problems in relationships even when no one is fighting or looking like they are having problems.<p>In any event, it can't hurt you to read the materials on this site. It can only help to strengthen your M, no matter what state it is in, good, bad, great or terrible.<p>Good luck,<p>TAA

I had to stop writing earlier because my H was coming upstairs. I don't want him to know that I'm discussing our relationship just yet.
I am not saying that I feel we don't need help, or that any of that is ok with me. It's not. And I don't feel that I should have to do more to satisfy his needs, etc. I just feel that we both have to try in order for this to work, and at least if I try my best, I know that I'm doing what I can. I also enjoy being with him. I've never enjoyed intimacy with anyone else in my life, like I do with him. I've never loved anyone else as much as I love him, either. I really don't want to lose him, and don't want this marriage to end. But, I do need him to change his ways, and would like us to learn how to talk our problems out. He is the one that needs to work on it, but I can't get him to even acknowledge that he has these problems. That will be the first thing I have to get him to do is admit it. Then, God willing, I can get him to do something about it. I feel that he needs to do that before I can start trusting him again. His wanting me to trust him straight out will not happen unless he can prove that to me. This forum is the only place I have been able to get any help so far, and you have been very helpful in getting me to realize that I'm not crazy - jealous - prude (as he puts it) etc.
I didn't realize so many people had the same problems. Noone I know has these problems, so I really didn't know there were places I could go to get info or read articles about it. The only help I have been able to locate on the internet has charges attached, but I may be able to sneak a few dollars here and there to get at least a phone consultation with a professional. If he doesn't want to do that with me, I'll just do it for myself - it's a start. I mean, I have problems to deal with myself, also. By that I'm referring to the strength to deal, and let go of the past so that I can focus on the present problems. I have always been the one to bring up the past while trying to discuss our present problems and maybe I have been a little harsh in my delivery - I tend to let things build up and then sort of blow up without thinking about how I come across to him. I know that sounds rediculous, but my emotional temper has not helped. My problem is where I feel that he has done enough to show that he is sorry for what he did when he cheated on me. I don't know what I want him to do. He has apologized, and there's really nothing else he can do about it. So, I have to acknowledge his apology for what it is, and get to work on the problems with the porn. I just don't know if the pain will ever go away. It was such a long drawn out experience. Even after he stopped seeing her, he didn't treat me the way he used to (before it all happened) for almost a year. Then, we started getting along well again, I became pregnant, and we got married while I was 5 mos. preg. We had been engaged before I broke up with him, but he didn't ask me again, or even discuss it with me until then. This also bothered me, since it took my getting pregnant for this to come up. So, I had alot of anxiety about that also. Alot of info here, but you get the idea. So this continuation of pain and porn is all piled up on top of those things from the past. So, I guess I need to take the first step.