bp22,

I don't know if it is all one or the other that caused the problems. It's just my assumption.

My son was very, very kind and gentle, even when his dad lived here. He was also happy and fun-loving. In 4 yrs he's gone from that to what he is now. Kyle is very complex. He is very sensitive but also "macho". I work with mentally retarded adults, and I don't see many 14 yr olds who want to be around them. Kyle does. He loves being around the people I work with. And he will not tolerate children being picked on or bullied. And does not let someone be racist around him without speaking his opinion.

I'm certain the abusiveness of my marriage plays some part in this. But I'm sure the divorce plays an equal part or more.

Since I don't completely know how to answer this, it is going to be something that I ask his psychiatrist. And I'll try to remember to come back here and let you know what she thinks.

No ned worrying about stirring up trouble! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I want to add one other thing about this whole situation concerning divorce and the affects on children. I work with kids every day. I teach. I don't care what studies show...you can show anything with statistics....and prove any point.

The majority of my caseload comes from broken families...I am here to tell you that it definitely does affect them in a negative way. Even the so called "normal" kids have deep hurts from divorce....I didn't realize how much before I went through it myself. I don't think we are putting kids first in this whole thing...kids want their families...they want their parents together--all kids do. Can they adjust...sure-they have to. But I don't think it is what they want.

Hi All:

My heart goes out to all your families where divorce is affecting your children. They are so innocent and deserve better. I have two children ages 12 (b) and 10(g). On the outside, they go through the motions of being ok. They keep busy with school and hobbies, and perhaps too much time with the computer and television. Inside though I can see they are hurting. They of course want their mother to come back, but it does not seem likely.

My x-wife and I seem to be from different planets when it comes to dealing with the children during our divorce. From the start of this whole mess, They have basically lived with me. I have talked to them regularly about their feelings, reminded them it is not at all their fault, and have tried to remember that there may be underlying divorce related reasons when they act stubborn and difficult. My x on the other hand, seems to gloss everything over, as if nothing has really even happened. She moved out a year ago and that has been that. She does not speak to them about their feelings, never has spoken to them about the divorce in any way. Although my x has had a man in her life for nearly two years, he has never met my children nor does she tell the children anything about him. She keeps him a mystery and occasionally says that yes, they will meet him in the future when he is ready. My children have told me that they are afraid to talk to my x-wife about their feelings for fear she will blow up at them. Indeed, during one arguement between she and my 12 year old son, she tossed his shoes into the apartment house stairwell, and told him to follow them. He still refers to this moment with anger and fear. I am venting here a bit, but my point is that I believe children deserve parents who will share their feelings openly with them. Parenting after divorce cannot only be about handling the daily routine activites. homework, etc. Children, I believe, need to understand the reasons why the parent sought the divorce, why they refused to try reconciliation, and why divorce was the best option. Otherwise, children remain in a fog and grow up with all kinds of false beliefs regarding married life.

I also highly recommend the book "Case Against Divorce". It has been a Bible to me. Please all, read it cover to cover before thinking the D word. It will open your eyes.

God Bless all the Children of Divorce!


Standing in Finland

X told our then 11 yr old son all about MOW.also told son that he had nothing to worry mom would only have to find a parttime job to make ends meet. that changed when he walked out the door. between trying to take everthing & girlfriends. Son could not take it anymore, lies is what turned his son against him. son went from a honor roll student to failing. Im not sure about this yr. hasnt been with dad since 6-02 & still wont talk with him on phone. dad has called but only to make threats against me. behind $2000. on court ordered medical & school.

I do not talk about X or try to turn son against him. dad has done enough damage to our son. son is depressed. I would have stayed with X if he had left MOW alone. If you ask X how his child feels he would tell you, he is fine with the D.
X is still in the fog. As far as OW children they do not like my X & told their dad he is mean.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but the abuser will be a lousy parent no matter what. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not necessarily. Sometimes, removing pieces helps to break the abuse. X is only abusive toward me, no one else sees the real him.
Since D, he has taken steps to improve his behavior - he can no longer blame all of his life's problems on me.
He has become a better parent, and actually spends time with the children.
He is not the father I'd want him to be, but he's a far better father than he ever was before.

And frankly, any help he gets in dealing with his own issues is a benefit to my children.

I can vouch that D will affect the children. I suppose there are variables like geographic closeness, friendly split and frequent visits, but it's devastating for kids. My Ps divorced when I was 16 and it took me over ten years to come back to semi-normalcy.

No matter what, the parent who has custody will suffer dearly with emotional and other behavioral issues IMO.

HI MOMTO3BOYS:

HOW DOES DIVORCE AFFECT THE KIDS? IT WILL AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT...BUT THERE IS SOME THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO TO MAKE IT EASIER.

I'M 51 AND I AM DIVORCED NOW ALMOST 5 YEARS...MY KIDS WERE OLDER...26, 24 AND 20 WHEN WE WERE DIVORCED.

ONE THING I EXPERIENCED WAS THAT MY KIDS, EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE OLDER, FELT THAT THEY WOULD BE ABANDONED BY THEIR PARENTS. ONCE WE ESTABLISHED THAT WE WOULD SEE THEM ON A REGULAR BASIS, THEY WERE OK...IT TOOK A LONG TIME...BUT THEY FINALLY REALIZED THAT WE BOTH ARE THERE, JUST NOT TOGETHER.

FAMILY FUNCTIONS, HOLIDAYS WE ARE THERE, WHETHER IT'S ON THE PHONE OR IN PERSON, WE ARE THEIR SUPPORT TEAM.

DIVORCE WILL AFFECT THE KIDS, THERE'S NO DENYING IT, BUT YOU CAN REALLY MAKE IT EASIER ON THEM.

GET OUT A CALENDAR AND SAY, WE WILL DO ....WHATVER, PICK SOMETHING...GO OUT TO DINNER EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT..HAVE THE KIDS TAKE TURNS ON WHERE YOU WANT TO GO..OR HAVE FAMILY NIGHT, PICK A NIGHT...PLAY GAMES...DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE...MAKE THEM IMPORTANT...THEY DON'T THINK THEY ARE.

THEY THINK THEY ARE THROWN AWAY, THEN THINK THEY ARE THE REASON THAT YOU ARE BREAKING UP...NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY ARE...THEY FEEL THIS WAY...THE YOUNGEST WILL FEEL THAT IF THEY CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN...MOMMY AND DADDY WILL COME BACK TOGETHER...THAT CAME FROM MY 20 YEAR OLD!! FOUND ALL THIS OUT AT COUNSELING...ONCE WE EXPLAINED THAT YES, WE ARE APART, BUT AS A FAMILY WE WILL MAKE DIFFERENT 'SPECIAL DAYS' WITH THEM, THEY FEEL IMPORTANT AGAIN.

ONE THING MY EX AND I SAID, THAT WE WOULD NOT SAY ANYTHING THAT IS NEGATIVE ABOUT THE OTHER ONE...THAT REALLY HELPED...NO MATTER HOW MAD WE GOT AT EACH OTHER...WE NEVER TOOK IT OUT ON THE KIDS...WE NEVER TALK TO THE KIDS ABOUT EACH OTHER EITHER...THE YOUNGEST TOLD ME NOT THAT LONG AGO, SHE FELT LIKE SHE WAS THE MESSENGER BETWEEN US...SAYING, I DID THIS WITH DAD, OR MOM AND I DID THIS...

AS LONG AS THE KIDS KNOW THAT THEY CAN CALL THE OTHER PARENT DURING VISITING WITH THE SPOUSE, AND NOT FEEL ABANDONED, THEY WILL BE FINE. BELIEVE ME, IT TAKES YEARS...EVEN WHEN THEY ARE OLDER.

YOU WILL NOTICE THAT THE DIVORCE AFFECTS EACH ONE DIFFERENTLY. THE OLDEST ONE FEELS LIKE THEY HAVE TO 'TAKE CARE OF THE OTHERS' THE MIDDLE ONE ASKS FOR HELP FROM THE OTHERS...AND THE YOUNGEST ONE PLAYS BOTH PARENTS AGAINST EACH OTHER.

GET BOOKS ON BEING DIVORCED WITH CHIDLREN...IT EXPLAINS A LOT...I TALK TO PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN THAT GOT DIVORCED...AND LEARN A LOT.

IT'S ONLY BAD, IF YOU MAKE IT BAD FOR THEM.

TALKING TO THEM ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS REALLY HELPS. DON'T JUDGE...JUST LISTEN...SOMETIMES ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS TALK...THEY DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL THEM THEY SHOULDN'T FEELT THAT WAY.

GOOD LUCK.

A HEALED BROKEN HEART