I'm now at a point where the marriage is purely practical. I've asked my WW to do certain things, she says she will do them, she does them for a while (a week maybe), then stops. Just one example. She's terrible at communicating. So I asked her to Read Hendrix's book. She looked like she was reading it. I pointed out 11 pages I specifically wanted her to read. I waited. There was no sign that she'd read them in her actions. So, I asked her again, and she got mad, then contrite, then committed. Then the cycle started again. I asked her to put into practise something from the book, and she replied she hasn't finished the book yet. So, I told her about a friend of mine whose husband isn't handy around the house. This upset my friend, so she asked him to make more of an effort. He bought a handyman book and she expected him to finally fix the broken shelves. He'd read the part about shelf-building, but wanted to wait till he'd read the whole book before he fixed them. She couldn't understand why he needed the part about plumbing in order to fix the shelves. My WW said she understood and would implement things from the book. Then, nothing. It's been weeks now and the book is in the corner of her office on the floor with other stuff she doesn't use.

I now believe that I'm asking her to do something she's not able to do. And never will be. Her ex-husband claimed their problems stemmed from (among other things) the fact that she didn't wear make-up. I thought, well that's just not her. He was asking her to be something she's not, and wasn't prepared to accept her for who she is.

My WW is a certain person. With that person, no relationship is possible for me. But I am tired of trying her to get to be that person. And I don't think it's fair for me to ask her anymore. At the same time, the things I'm asking for boil down to communication and compatibility. I want more. I want to move on.

Is that wrong? Aren't there some unions that over time we realize were not right? Not good for either person? We're living a lie pretending to be happy. She deserves someone who idolizes her and loves her. I'm pretty sure I can never be that person.

Safety, it’s not wrong per se, but your tactics are unlikely to meet much success. You are trying to educate your spouse. And spouses hate being lectured or taught by their spouses. And your post comes across as incredibly condescending. If that’s how you sounded to her, I think you’re lucky she didn’t tear up the book in front of you!

You can recommend a book. But not demand she read it. You can ask her what she thought, but not demand she implement what she thought.

Have you been in Plan A? Are you working with a coach or counselor?

Are you ready for Plan B? ‘Cause if you’ve been in plan A and are now slipping in those selfish demands, you might be best served to move to Plan B. But I can’t tell from what you’ve posted.

I forgave and concealed from family and friends a broken arm which required 3 surgeries and 4 1/2 months in a cast or splint. Divorce is not alwys bad.

Marriage is about mutual care. I'm going through MB, and I think that what Harley really does is end bad marriages. Those that survive are good. I had to get to the point where I was willing to end the M before my H was willing to go through the program.

That's kind of my point. I've asked her to do marriage builders. I've asked for marriage counselling. It's not that she says no. She says yes, and then ... I don't know what happens, but she won't do anything when the time comes. There's always a reason not to do it.

I've reached the point where I'm certain she just doesn't have it in her to work through our problems. I think there's a certain strong, silent type who she would be very happy with. There's no major problem (apart from the affair a year ago). It's just dead between us.

Thanks for your comment.

Safety,
You CANNOT change your WS. There is NOTHING you can say or do that will turn that lightbulb on inside her head where she goes "oh yeah, you're right. I see exactly what you mean. I will change". It has to come from her on her complete own. Wouldn't you want it to be that way anyway? Once you realize this, you will be happier and can move on with or without her. The reason I posted here is that my WS is the same way. He doesn't "follow through" which is what I like to call it. I find your last comment somewhat disturbing. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There's no major problem (apart from the affair a year ago). It's just dead between us.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can anything be worse than it being dead between the two of you?

I sat my H down in December, told him I was ending MC, and said that I was willing to try MB. I had to get to the point where I was willing to D before he was willing to put in effort.

Even so, I feel like I cannot get past his affair, and it was exposed two years ago. But MB does end bad M because it has as a centerpiece that you spend 15 hours alone together. What could be worse than a dead M?

I too have a situation where D is necessary, and definitely a GOOD thing.

However, a divorce must be EARNED, IMO. Short of outright physical abuse et al, in order to go through with a D you really need to know for a fact that you did everything within your power to save your M.

True, it takes TWO to make a M work well, by MB standards. And if your W isn't interested in putting her part of the effort in, and your love bank is near empty and you've been doing a great plan A... then for sure, plan B is your next best option before going through with a D.

Best of luck.

Karen

YES...YES...THERE IS A GOOD DIVORCE...

BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT IT TO BE.

THERE IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE...THAT'S MY MOTTO...OR..'YOU WILL SURVIVE'...YOU DON'T THINK SO..BUT YOU CAN AND WILL.

COUNSELING WORKS MIRACLES...KEEP AN OPEN MIND, AND GO FOR IT.

YOU WILL LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE NEXT FEW YEARS, IT WILL BE AMAZING...

I'M DIVORCED NOW 5 YEARS AND HAVE NEVER BEEN BETTER...

THREE GROWN CHILDREN, 2 GRANDCHILDREN AND A NEW CAREER, ALL WITHIN 5 YEARS.

I'M ENGAGED NOW, TO A MAN I HAVE KNOWN FOR 15 YEARS, FAMILY FRIEND, AND MY BEST FRIEND.

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY....AND LISTENING TO WHAT EACH OTHER IS SAYING...AND REALLY TAKING CRITICISM..REALIZING THAT HE'S ONLY SAYING IT BECAUSE IT CAN HELP ME BE A BETTER PERSON..NOT IN A DEGRADING WAY.

FOR EX. I'M WAS A VERY DISORGANIZED PERSON...BUT BY SLOWING ORGANIZING MYSELF AND MY LIFE, I HAVE NOT HAD PANIC ATTACKS BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING, AND NOW AM PROUD OF MYSELF THAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH IN SO LITTLE TIME.

I THINK THAT IS ANOTHER POINT...PERSONAL ACCOMPLISHMENT...MAKE ONE FEEL GREAT.

I FIND ANOTHER THING IS THAT I HAVE CHANGED FOR THE BETTER...AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT MY GROWN CHIDLREN HAVE TOLD ME.

I AM MORE GROWN UP, MORE ALERT, MORE KIND AND CARING, BUT ALSO STICK UP FOR MYSELF AND PUT UP BOUNDARIES, LIKE I NEVER DID BEFORE.

SO, YES, DIVORCE ISN'T A BAD WORD...

A HEALED BROKEN HEART