OK, I want to take on all comers here and really want people to be honest. Has anyone, or is anyone currently in the process of getting a divorce strictly as a result of an affair. What I mean here is that out of principal alone did you decide to divorce, regardless of how much you loved your spouse, how remorseful they have been and how hard they have tried to right the wrong. Did anyone just say no, this is not right and pack it in to find someone who would truly value the same moral code, who you would not have to look at every day and be reminded that for at least some period of time in the marriage, be it one night or ten years, that you were not the most importnat person in their life, that you may not have ever truly known them. Sure they say they love you now, but they also said they never stopped loving you during the entire affair either, therefore their defination of love must be very different than your own.

OK, now ler me have it!!!!!!!!!

Well, does it count if I threw him out the day I found out? He has been "trying" to get back since then, but still has OW.

When I asked him to leave, he asked where he was supposed to live. I told him to live wherever he planned to live when he decided to cheat.

Summer2003:

Well, I didn't throw him out at d-day #1 as I was 4 months pregnant and "wanted the marriage to work" and he was willing to go to counseling. Three counselors, two plan B periods and one MORE d-day later I realized he was less than remorseful and was not willing to break contact with the OW (plural).

I gave him an ultimatum: break contact, work on the marriage or I'll have this baby alone and your name will not be on the birth certificate. Father's name will be UNKNOWN. That seemed to shake him -- for a little while.

My sweet son was born 13 months ago and his Dad was trying to get better in some ways. Other ways, well not so much better. I really, really, really wanted this to work - I was plan A-ing all over the place.

Then there was a subtle change. He didn't come home right away after work - "I was running errands" (but had no shopping bags, cash from the bank, dry cleaning) or "I stopped at the local sports bar to see friends" (from 3:00 pm when you get off to 9:00 pm when you got home?) The final straw was d-day #3 - we were at a party, one of the OW was there and they had a "moment" out on the patio. I confronted her - "So, how many marriages have you broken up lately? How many kids have you left without a father?" - maybe not my best moment. And I confronted STBX. Told him "three strikes, you're out. You have no intention of being faithful to me, or anyone else either. I refuse to live with that." I gave him almost 18 months to work on the marriage, become remorseful and want to be monogamous. I tried to work with him, but in hindsight, I was working alone. And only one person does not a marriage make.

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: Misha ]</small>

Hi Summer 2003:

This is what my x-wife did. I confessed having several one night PAs over a twelve year period. I was and have been deeply repentent and have tried everything I can think to salvage our marriage. My infidelity though set the unstoppable motion of our divorce. The fact that she immediately started a new relationship also hardened her heart. To her it was just a clear black and white principle. She remembers making me promise complete fidelity before our marriage at the age of 21. Of course I promised because that it what I truly believed. Somewhere though, I made very bad selfish, decisions and now I must face the consequences. Too bad my x does not visit this forum. I think her hard line opinions would be very interesting to you. I have told her about MB, but no interest.

Standing in Finland

I threw my xWW the day after I learned of her affair. We were apart for 2 months and then we tried to reconcile. But, her continued contact with OM ruined all of that. In the end, I decided to dv because of the ongoing betrayal. Had she stuck to No Contact, I think we would be together right now.

But, the principle touches so many other things... in the end, I had to look at the betrayal as the CAUSE... the consequences (the EFFECT of "us") of lost trust, respect, lies, deceit, intentional pain, etc. as well as some key realizations about myself all played a part as well.

The betrayal made it very clear that we had grown apart... so why stay together? Does that count?

Hi summer,

For me the adultery wasn't the deciding factor in proceeding with divorce but rather the continued contact of which my WH knew it would be over if I found out he was and he is.I initially wanted to reconcile and have the chance at a better marriage but my WH is being his usual selfish self and so has made his adulterous bed and can now lie in it.

O

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=010948


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