I'm now having to be too close for comfort with the woman that my XH has had his affair with for the last two years of our marriage.

Her daughter, and my daughter are in the same basketball league which requires me having to see OW twice a week.

How do you all handle these situations??

I have yet to look into her face, or speak to her. I have nothing to say to this woman.
I can barely speak to my XH, let alone a stranger.

On the flip side of strange,
The OW's X now has a girlfriend.
The two women come to the games together.
Her X has come a couple times, and My X, and the three of them are two happy couples, together.
I have never seen anything like it. How can adultery come out so sweet??

I know we are taught to forgive one another, but it's very hard to love those who have destroyed your family.

If anyone has any input, I would be glad to hear it.

Thanks,
K.

I see my x, her new bf and several of the men she had affairs with at sporting events. Me and my x do not get along, thus the divorce. The only thing that helped me was praying to god and asking him to help me deal with my feelings inside. That has helped and only once in a while these things bother me anymore.

Good Luck

"How do you all handle these situations??"

I see this as the same dealing with an XW when you are the new W. You put it in your head that the kids come first and go from there.

"I have yet to look into her face, or speak to her. I have nothing to say to this woman.
I can barely speak to my XH, let alone a stranger."

You don't have to speak to her. Maybe someday you can be on cordial terms. That would benefit the kids. No need to take it further than that.

"On the flip side of strange,
The OW's X now has a girlfriend.
The two women come to the games together.
Her X has come a couple times, and My X, and the three of them are two happy couples, together.
I have never seen anything like it. How can adultery come out so sweet??"

I don't see this as "adultery being sweet". It is a case where adults are acting like adults and putting the kids first. Who's to say how they really feel about one another? They are doing what beneficial for the kids. Highly doubt they are great friends!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

TFS

Hello again Karona!
I have "been there, done that"
My ex started bringing his GF to my sons football games. I pretended that I did not see them. They always sat off to the side, alone. I sat with the other parents, people that we had been friends with for years. I could see our friends looking at him and shaking their heads, so I know that he stood out like a sore thumb. The first couple of times made me ill. I didn't think I could possibly make it through the whole season. But I did!
I would sit in the middle of a group - a good idea, because they will keep you from doing something stupid. Also, if you have a cell phone, call someone and talk and laugh like you are having the time of your life. If you want to email me, and give me your cell number, I will call you!
Make sure you get up early on those days, so you can shave your legs, do your hair, wear make up. Buy a pair of tight jeans, and a low cut sweater to wear. Above all else - SIT WITH SOMEONE. After awhile you will forget they are even there.Hang in there baby - someone loves you - I do!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your replies!

This is all new and a fresh hurt for me still.

WOF:
I do sit with friends, and am very happy. My X and his W however aren't ashamed. I swear they are proud. There is no shame with the two of them.
Amazing!!


It is getting easier to be in the same builing, but no way do I want to be up close and personal with them.
I speak to my X, and am cordial to him for my daughters sake, but the hurt is there all the time.

I hope someday I can be cordial, but for right now, I see both of them as two people who have torn apart two families.

Maybe this all takes time to heal.
I like to think of myself as adult, and adult acting, but when it comes to this I struggle.

Thank you again for your thoughts!
K!

How messed up can you get?

While an advocate for doing what is best for the child's sake, I disagree with TFS...you DO NOT HAVE TO BE FRIENDS with a homewrecker. Sorry.

And I am sure that deep down there's a huge chasm between the OW/former W and the new GF. But hey, the xh has moved on. Thus he's trying to just get acceptance for things on his side probably...

It's totally messed up.

The ultimate dream of my xwh is for me to just develop amnesia about the entire three years of hell I went thru, the memory of the cruelty and adultery and just smile and go and invite them over for dinner or meet them for coffee or something stupid like that. That we give "credence" to their Affair-borne relationship and in the end...JUSTIFY THEIR ACTIONS...Hell can freeze over first as far as I am concerned...

Here's how I handle it. I do like the other poster above does...I hang out in a group with the other moms. They knew me and knew the whole sitch...with OW showing up at 3 soccer games each time standing at far side of field wearing a baggy sweatshirt in hot weather trying to hide fact she was preggers. And that's something I don't get...why do some of them hide? I think another poster's x and their ow hid and stood at corner of playing field too...In fact, my xh wouldn't even stand beside her.

What I did was ignore them and only speak to his father and only if it was at an appropriate time and very little. But I always kept a pleasant look on my face and reminded myself why I was there...TO SEE MY SON AND SUPPORT MY SON. I was able to that way just enjoy the sporting event and not even really "see" them at all.

Personally, I will never validate their affair...Nor will I be doing anything that would be really "in your face" about them either...I refuse to be the glue that keeps them together. Any reaction just cements them btw.

My morals and my integrity are always and have been in tact. That's NOT GOING TO CHANGE. I do not condone adultery and I don't believe switching partners when you feel like it is the answer to our society's problems nor is it responsible for parents to behave as thought their private parts ruled their brain.

Some things in this world are right and wrong. Always will be. I will not be disrespectful to them nor will I engage them if at all possible and keep healthy boundaries and distance. My son depends on me to be strong and to show him morality. One parent has to do that. If we all say "well...ok...so it wasn't good that he got a new GF and our family broke up..., but I will get somebody else and we can forget about it because HEY...IF IT FEELS GOOD DO IT AND THE KIDS WILL UNDERSTAND...

That seems to be the deal with the WS's...they always assume that the kids will understand and be fine whether they really will be or not. That we just have to accept them for what they've done and smile and say "can I have some more ok?". No deal. You don't have to be ugly at all. Keep your distance. Be with friends or in a group. Bring a camera and document their game in pictures or something to occupy yourself. And above all, learn how to just be there for your child and soon you won't pay attention to them at all. I remember only speaking to his dad when the game was over and also remember his dad walking over to my son and I after the game and leaving OW/new W in the dust about twenty feet behind...She suddenly started trying to walk towards me (after I had told her on the phone when she called me to deny her pregnancy and said she was leawving my x and to say that it was wrong and that God knew it) like she wanted to be friendly and I told my x promptly that we had to go and that we were going to the park and we'd see him later. I quickly left and never engaged the OW/W. Message received clearly I am sure, yet I was always the lady and my son saw that as well and yet I stood up for the stand I first made 2 years ago when I discovered my xh's infidelities with both OW.

I say stand quietly, with dignity and don't give validation to anything that is fundamentally wrong.

There is a time for positive coparenting and that is something that is only done with my xh and I. The OW/W doesn't interfere at all and is not going to do so as I've made it clear and demanded my boundaries respected, despite my xh trying to break them down all the time.

Thank you JustPeachy for validating my feelings!

You are so right. I think my X would be more than happy if I also had amnesia! I often wonder if he remembers the pain that he has caused. For me to accept his new life would oh so wonderful, in his world!

Everything you said makes so much sense!
I do speak to my X a little, there is no ugliness between us. He has hurt me deeply, and that pain is still very much there, but to be rude, I'm not.

His love has never tried to approach me, but that's not to say she wouldn't. They both seem so proud of themselves.

That is exactly how I felt, that if I acknowledged her, I would be almost saying, it's okay you helped tear apart our family, and your own. Not happening!

My daughters are so hurt over this whole deal, and hate that their father lives with her. They have to spend time at their home with the constant reminder that their father left to be with her.


Thank you again! I appreciate everything you have said, and I will remember it when I'm in their presence.

K.

Peach,
We view things like this differently I think because of where we are at in our lives. At one time, I would have written exactly what you did. I've grown and moved on and figured out that *they* don't need anyone to urge them on, or glue them together. Relationships are built by the two people in them. What you or I do is of NO consequence to the gluing or ungluing of that relationship. That is all in our minds. Nothing more than wishful thinking and self-centered thought. Oh and never did I mean to imply that they should be *friends*!!! No way! I said this, "Maybe someday you can be on cordial terms". Cordial meaning, give her a hi and a bye once in awhile. Nothing more.

K,
Whether you want to accept it now you not, you not recognizing their relationship means nothing to anyone but you. Go at you own pace and take care of you.

((((hugs)))))

Oh...wanted to add.

Take care of your girls K. They need you now more than ever to be the stable parent in their lives.

"My daughters are so hurt over this whole deal, and hate that their father lives with her. They have to spend time at their home with the constant reminder that their father left to be with her."

Did this man go straight from home to this woman's house? If he did, he's a fool. No matter, you can't do anything about his foolish decisions. The only thing that you can do that will help your girls a lot is tell them over and over that their Daddy didn't leave them. That way they won't feel abandoned. Does he see them much?

If X stays with OW, I&#8217;ll never talk to her nor will she ever come to my house!
For my son&#8217;s sake I&#8217;ll not be badmouthing her. All issue I might have regarding her behavior forward my son &#8211; I&#8217;ll solve directly with X. Punctum! Not because she was OW not because she's with X, but because of... after so much hurt of mine she was involved in too - what would I need such person for???
Is it bad for my son? I don&#8217;t think so! He&#8217;ll be taught that I have some moral and other boundaries and respect them, the same as I&#8217;ll respect his&#8230; especially once he is an adult&#8230;Also, he&#8217;ll be taught to be polite with his father&#8217;s choice and even respect -> as much as he&#8217;s respected by both of them too!
Not because they (don't) deserve that, but because of my son being raised as a well mannered boy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
This is because I know her personally&#8230; don&#8217;t have to find out with who my son will be spending some time&#8230;
Anyway, I don't think this will happen, but - you never know... (I'm ready :-))

If I didn&#8217;t know OW, I would ask around about her, to see with whom my son will be surrounded while having time with his dad, kinds of influence she might have on my son, etc., to protect him if needed... as I know now from what I have to protect him coming from his father... (insisted on some particular clauses in Agreement...)

If X 'gets' the new one, I&#8217;ll insist to know her a bit better &#8211; I have to know where my son is going for weekends/vacations&#8230;!
I might have even a closer relationship, IF she&#8217;s a very good person&#8230;
(Hope by that time ALL my hurt will be gone; otherwise, she&#8217;d have to wait&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

TFS--
He didn't go immediately to her house. He stayed with a guy for a few months, all the while intending on moving in with her. He had to wait until she got her H out of the house. Our divorce was final on a Thursday, by the next weekend, he moved into her house.

I hope I reach that point in my life where I don't care. I have been alone for a year now. (he left home last March).
I feel it would be so different if he were with someone totally different than the person he had the affair with.
I think it would still hurt to see him with someone, but at least it wouldn't be THE ONE.

At any rate, I do know I will be in a better place in time.
I gave him a year, and several counselors to try to save our marriage. He didn't want that.

I know in my heart, that I did everything I could, therefore, I know that one day I will be whole again, and better off when I don't have to wonder/worry who my H is chasing.

I think I still have many firsts to encounter, and they are all fresh wounds still.

Everything I do is in the best interest of my daughters.
I know I'm the stable parent in this mess, and the only one that can show them security.

The saddest part of my whole mess is this.
I found out 1/11/02 about his affair, and that it was not his first.
On 2/11/02 our oldest daughter nearly died from a brain tumor.
This man continued his affair. You want to talk about a selfish person, that would be my X.
Our daughter has had a total life change, her father walks away too.
It's so sad.
So, beleive me, my daughters are first in my life.

You asked how much he sees them.
He has them 4 hours one night during the week, and every other weekend. My oldest daughter most of the time will not spend the night there.
It hurts her to see him living with OW.
He has a bad habit, calls OW the same pet name he called me. Pretty sad! Wonder how she would like to know that piece???

My youngest enjoys her time more. The OW has a daughter her age, so it's always a play date for her. It gives the adults alone time, because the two girls play the whole time.

Thank you for your thoughts, they are appreciated.

K.

What is best for the kids, in order, would be:

1) The WS and OP not having had the affair to begin with

2) Ending the affair immediately

3) The OW at least having the decency to stay away from the child's activities. If that required finding a new team for her child to be on, well so be it - it is one of the consequences of appropriating someone else's husband.

What is best for the children would be for society as a whole to refuse to recognize illicit relationships - if affair partners were to lose every friend, every relative, perhaps their jobs, to become a pariah - perhaps there would be fewer destroyed marriages.

Karona-

I can relate to what you are saying and do feel for you. My XH and the OW regularly attend our childrens' functions. Now she even attends alone when he can't make it. Do I like it? Absolutely not, but I know that my XH would never consider my feelings and I would rather have him attend with her for the kids' sake then not attend.

Do as others have suggested and attend surrounding yourself with friends. Trust me, they don't care if you are uncomfortable with their being there together and nothing you can do or say will change it. So rather than let them see you upset keep going and put your best face forward. You say that they aren't ashamed and even seem proud. We all know the shame that A's bring so trust me it's a cover. My XH and the OW are the same way, I would say it's natural. When someone is shamed and doesn't want others to know it they cover by appearing arrogant and self assured. It is very hard to watch though. It's like let's get a reality check here, but then again we already know with the A that their sense of reality is totally screwed up.

If you come into contact with them a simple "Hi," will suffice, but even that is not necessary as you are not friends. You said yourself that you are not rude and that is all that is expected of you, nothing more. Peachy is very right about their wanting everyone to suffer amnesia and forget what has happened. I am not suggesting that you forget at all and trust me nobody else has either, but that doesn't have to mean that you let them know it still tears you up. Keeping your distance will help with this.

In time this like all things will get better. No, it will never change what has happened to you, but it will lessen the pain. For quite a while after our separation and divorce I shared your feelings of sadness because of the role the OW played in the end of your marriage. I too felt that is my XH ended up with anyone but her it would be different, but those feelings have also mellowed. That is also what you have probably witnessed with the OW's X and their sitting together etc. I would bet that if you pulled any of them aside you would find that they aren't nearly as chummy as they appear to be, but do it for the sake of the kids.

There is no crystal ball here telling you how long it will take for you to feel better, but as you move on in your new life you will feel better and what your Xh and the OW do will effect you less and less. For the time being however it really stinks! Trust in the fact that you are not alone and that your feelings are natural. You are doing a great job of being a mom and that is what is important.

I wish you all the best.

Take care and God bless!
K

Oh Nellie, you are right.

If society would act different, I think it would make a difference.
I don't think either of them, (they work together) are treated goofy from their co-workers.
I'm not there, so I really can't say, but from what I have heard, that seems to be the case.

S.R.--

Wow! She comes alone. That takes guts! That's what I mean by no shame. They hold their heads up like they're so right, when they have caused so much pain.
You could be right, maybe it is all arrogance.
One thing my X always was about himself was, PROUD.
Talk about someone being totally comfortable in their skin, that was him! Still is.

I will take on your response that maybe the for of them are not so chummy! Maybe it is all a show.
I do feel like adulterers belong together. May they never have one ounce of trust in their lovefest!

Thank you both for your thoughts.
It's helpful to me!

K.

Karona-

First of all I find it interesting we share the same initial. Second I find myself wondering how old your kids are.

Anyway, I thought of you this morning as my XH and OW came to pick up our youngest two children. The older two were at other activities. We met them outside as the girls wanted to splash in the puddles. It was nice as normally they come right in the house. I actually have to lock it because otherwise they give a quick warning knock and barge right in. Yes, I have asked them not to do it and they abide for it for a while and then we go right back to where we started from.

Anyway, as they took the kids she did most of the talking as I realize she always does. My XH just kind of sits there. I thought about it for a while after they left. In my situation I don't know how I would ever avoid her, she is always there. Like I said before, even when he isn't. It is a bit bizarre, but I attribute it to her age and wanting to prove her devotion to him and the kids. She is 11 years younger than my XH and in her first serious relationship. They met when she had just turned 20 and have been together 3 1/2 years. My XH can't drive as he has lost his license to multiple DUI's so she has to bring him everywhere. If I drop the kids off at their house she comes out with him to get them. It's like she's afraid of what might conspire if she's not there.

Do I think she is bold? Absolutely! Arrogant? Right on! Ignorant? Without a doubt! But the deep down truth of it is she is in love and totally clueless. She firmly believes that they were meant to be and that our marriage was already over. She truly believes that this time will be different for him, in spite of everything he has already put her through. So I guess in her frame of mind I see why she is doing the things she is doing.

He on the other hand, lies as easily as he breathes, knows the marriage wasn't over, knows he was a cake eater for quite some time, knows things aren't any different, knows he is setting the stage to duplicate some of our life together with her, etc, etc. In my case I think it probably is easier to deal with her than him.

Would I prefer to never see them? Absolutely, but life is not that fair. I have thankfully reached a point of indifference to them as long as they don't mess with me to where their screwed up life has ceased to matter to me. Of course they are never content to leave things well enough alone, but all in all I have moved on and left them in my dust. I in no way shape or form wish for my former life with my XH and it makes things easier.

I think I am lucky in the fact that his drinking problem left our lives so chaotic, that when the dust of the A and our divorce settled I found myself lucky to be free of a very self destructive path. Had he been a loving husband and father I would most likely have had a harder time with everything that they have done to me and the process of letting go. This to me is an overwhelming thought as I had a very hard time and put in a very valiant effort to save my marriage, messed up or not.

Like I told you before, hang in there. You've already survived the A and the divorce, you will survive this too.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi StillReeling--

It is something that we share the same initial!

You asked about my daughters ages, they are 13 and 9.
The girls have been through so much, and they are the sweetest two girls. I Love Them both, with all that I am.

You mentioned your X and OW coming in to your home. That is amazing to me.
We moved in to a rental home, from our family home in October.
It amazes me, that my X thinks he is welcome in this house.
He will come in, like he belongs. Of course, he thinks he half owns it, because he pays child support/alimony.
Like I said, he is proud!
His mother (my x MIL) came two weeks ago. Had to come inspect the house.
That killed me.
She never said it was nice, just wanted to be nibby.
She stands behind his adultery 100%, loves his adulterous woman 100%. Tells me, I need to love him, forgive him, and be his friend.
Sorry, too soon for that!

I have so much anger still for what he has done.

Just this weekend. The girls spent a few hours with him. My oldest daughter said, she finally told him that she forgives him. Now mind you, he said, that was nice, STILL has not said SORRY for doing this, or that he has done wrong.
My younger D says, I do too, but, I don't understand why you left dad?
He says, (talk about lying as easy as breathing)
your mom and I had some differences, and we thought getting divorced would be the best.
UUGGGHHHHH!
Ummm, yeah, having an affair for two years, and a previous affair, and not willing to give up this woman, yeah, we have differences. I couldn't believe this is what he told her.
Not to mention, that my daughter has known full well what the problem was. I'm starting to think she is blocking that whole ugly time from her memory.
Anyway, what a loser.

Sounds like you have had some rough times too.
Alchohol can play an ugly role in a marriage. I am a product of that, having had a father with that problem. Needless to say, parents were divorced.
You mentioned, his W being 11 years younger. Sounds very familiar, as so is my X's. I think she is 29, may have just turned 30.

If you don't mind me asking,
How long have you been separated? Divorced?
Have you starting dating?
You seem to be handling your self so well, I was curious.

I will take comfort in what you say, that I may too mellow out over all of this. Can't wait for the day! When I think of it, I have come far, but have far to go!

Thanks for your support.
K

K,
Let me say that I think you are doing extremely well! No doubt you look back on this and be glad you are no longer with the guy. I'd NEVER go back!! Once I was over it and him and felt like "what on earth was I thinking"???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

"Our divorce was final on a Thursday, by the next weekend, he moved into her house."

Geez. He just couldn't wait could he? This is the type of thing that really hurts the Ex spouse and kids.

"I feel it would be so different if he were with someone totally different than the person he had the affair with."

That's just your pride talking. You'll get over that and realize it doesn't matter WHO he's with just so he's not with you!! LOL Believe me, I did. I was GLAD later that he was with her and not me!

"I know in my heart, that I did everything I could, therefore, I know that one day I will be whole again, and better off when I don't have to wonder/worry who my H is chasing."

That was the prevailing thought/feeling that got me to where I am today. Knowing you did all you could means so much years down the road!!

"This man continued his affair. You want to talk about a selfish person, that would be my X.
Our daughter has had a total life change, her father walks away too."

Is your daughter okay now K? Did she heal okay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> This has to be so tough on her considering her age. I read in a later post that she has made up with him. That is wonderful!!! A girl having her father in her life is worth so much to the girl. At least he isn't one of those dad's that really do walk out the door and out of their children's lives altogether. My Ex did that with m daughter for many years. I would call him and encourage him to come see her, but he never would. He didn't see her for about 10 or 11 years. I hated him for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> They've formed a relationship now for which I'm grateful.

"He has them 4 hours one night during the week, and every other weekend."

That's normal visitation. It's not great, but is better than not having him in their lives. Would he see them more often if he were offered the chance?

"It hurts her to see him living with OW.
He has a bad habit, calls OW the same pet name he called me. Pretty sad! Wonder how she would like to know that piece??? "

What an idiot!! The same pet name? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hang in there K. You sound like a strong woman. You're doing great!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Nellie,

"What is best for the kids, in order, would be:

1) The WS and OP not having had the affair to begin with"

Totally agree!

"2) Ending the affair immediately"

Ditto that one!!

"3) The OW at least having the decency to stay away from the child's activities. If that required finding a new team for her child to be on, well so be it - it is one of the consequences of appropriating someone else's husband. "

Can't agree on this one though because that would affect the child. The adults need to be the ones to make concessions and to put up with crap.

"What is best for the children would be for society as a whole to refuse to recognize illicit relationships - if affair partners were to lose every friend, every relative, perhaps their jobs, to become a pariah - perhaps there would be fewer destroyed marriages. "

From what I've seen, I highly doubt it Nellie. Because I don't think that most of them are thinking rationally and therefore this wouldn't matter. At any rate, it will never happen. Most people don't really care about something that doesn't affect them ya know? Like when Clinton was doing all that messing around in the White House...the public really didn't care. What they cared about was his lie to the public.

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: TheFeminineSide ]</small>

Thanks FemSide for your reply, and for your concern for my daughter.
She has a lot of medical issues, and as you stated, such a hard time in her life. She was 11 when her illness happened, she is now 13, and more than doubled her weight. That is the biggest struggle.
She wants to look like the other girls her age, and the poor child struggles daily with her weight.
She will be on medication for the rest of her life, but that is a small price for her life.

I do believe you are right.
I believe that at some point in my future, I will know that I'm better off. I think I always think more of my children in this whole mess. That they would be so much happier with their mother and father together. But, the way that our lives were, it would not have been a happy home if I could never trust this man.

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been divorced?
You seem to be doing well, and am curious.

Thank you for you thoughts. I appreciate everyones honesty.

Sincerely,
K

K,

My heart goes out to you and your precious daughter. Will be sure and include her in my prayers. Try and get her involved in activies and groups where she can do well and shine. That way she'll be less likely to focus on her weight and more on her real self inside and her accomplisments. Being a young girl is so hard without all the other stuff she has had to deal with. I personall think you are doing great considering all the factors involved here! Believe me, I'd never be doing as well as you are. I've been divorced for many years. That is the only reason I see things differently than the ladies going through this stress and change more recently. When we get down the road a ways, we tend to look back and see clearly what we should have done. Ah, sweet hindsight eh?

Sending you prayers and good wishes.