I have a question.

X and I live 50 miles apart (I moved back with the boys to our home town area when we divorced--I'm now 5 minutes from X's parents and sister, 10 miles or less from my family, and I'm 15 minutes from my teaching job rather than the 45 minutes that I used to have to travel from where X and I used to live)

Anyway, X is supposed to get the boys (ages 7 & 8) this weekend, and was getting them a day early because of Spring Break. However, I learned that Tuesday night the boys would have baseball batting practice (tonight) and a scrimmage game (friday night). I told X of it Tuesday night after I found out. I also told him it was very important, especially to the 7 year old who wants to try to play infield this year on a 7 & 8 year old team. X never was for team sports and did not want them playing t-ball when we were together because it was a "waste of money". Anyway, the boys are really excited, and the 8 year old has easily secured an infield position, but the 7 year old is trying hard to get there also--and the coach said he had a chance to play infield some and wanted to try him out at the scrimmage game. So, the 7 year old is ecstatic. Meantime, While X was OKAY about meeting half way (so he wouldn't have to drive the whole way to take them to practice) on Tuesday night when I spoke to him, he changed his mind Wednesday night and told me that was "too much running around with gas prices so high now." (X can afford it, but is too cheap with his $$). I even offered to go further than 1/2 way to pick them up and drop them off those 2 days, and he still seemed irratated about it. (BTW, there is an OW involved, who was involved for the last 3 years of our marriage. She and X are still "seeing each other".)

I've spoken to several friends, and they say that when it is his weekend, he should be keeping them involved with their activities (and right now baseball is the only thing they're involved in--it's the only sport they play except now older boy wants to try football in the fall). My divorced friends say that I shouldn't even have to offer to pick them up and drop them off at a 1/2 way point, that he should take them to their games/practices when he has them--especially since back here he'll be close to his family as well. In fact, I used to drive 45 minutes (past the 1/2 way point I was discussing with him) daily when we were married to my job, and my buddies say he could do this twice this weekend for his boys.

What are his reponsibilities and what should I expect? I've got primary custody (he granted this without even going to court). He gets every other weekend with them. Should I expect him to take them to their activities when he has them, or should I have them miss their games/practices because their Dad has them that weekend?

Thanks for any suggestions!
Drifter's girl

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: drifter'sgirl ]</small>

I'm torn on this one because I can relate to both of you. Quick background on me. I have custody of my two kids ages 16 and 11. My husband has visitation of every other weekend and one night per week with his kids, ages 9 and 10. My ex lives about 30 minutes away, his 45-60 depending on traffic. Both of our decree's state that the parent with the kids are responsible for taking them to and from ALL activities. It doesn't say anything about transportation to and from visitations. I share 50/50 transporation with my ex. If the kids have activities during his weekends he's told of what they are and then he decides if he wants to participate or not. If not (which it always is) the kids either don't go to his house of they go part of the weekend depending on if their activity is Fri or Sunday. His unwillingness to participate in anything with them has caused a very poor relationship between them. Even daughter's soccer that is played by his house is too much for him to take her too. I take her and then bring her to his house afterwards. That way the kids don't have to give up what is important to them because of his lack of involvement. BUT, I also try very hard to NOT schedule things that are on his weekends. As the kids get older it gets harder to follow a strict every other weekend and it's hopeful that both parents can cooperate with each other so that the kids see the ncp as much as possible. Now, my husband use to do all of the driving for his visitation and the kids lived about 30 minutes away. His ex recently re-married and moved about an hour away. My husband see's his kids one night per week besides eow so this greater distance really makes it hard for the short visits. Because his ex was the one that moved further away it was only fair she steps up to the plate and helps with transportation. She now does 50 percent of the driving. But, when his kids have activities during his parenting time he still does 100% of the driving and the distance is one hour like your ex. The thing is, you are the one that moved further from the children's father making his visitation more difficult. I absolutely feel you should do at least 50% of the driving for visitation. If ball is real important to your boys it would be nice if their dad participated. I'm just glad you didn't even move further because then what??? I just hope the two of you can work it out because like I said, it gets more difficult as the kids get older. My husband's children are a stong relationship with their dad because the parents co-parent well.

If this were my kids, I would arrange with the X to have them later...let them do their sports stuff and he can have them on Saturday.

Alternatively you could swap weekends with him, or arrange the next long weekend that would be yours, for him to have them instead.

I had similar problems with my X, but a reasonably worded email to him explaining that I would like to swap weekends because the kids needed to participate in these important events, brought agreement from him.

Good luck....

Jacky

Bonnie has some great ideas.
My distance is 25 miles about 45 minutes.
It also doesn't state driving, so X does all the driving on his 1/3 time.
After driving 100 miles per day for 4 years because he refused, I have no qualms about him continuing to do all the driving.
(Actually his mom does about 1/2 of his driving anyway).

OK back to activities. Our decree states that you can't sign the kids up for anything on the other parent's weekend without their consent.
My girls are in ballet. The teacher is getting divorced and let's them go every other week. They miss alot, but it's first year ballet.

I goaded X into going one day just to see them.
And the recital is on his weekend, so he'll have to take them. After 9 months of practice, even he won't keep them from it.

My kids know that their dad won't take them to stuff like this. They just told me last night he wouldn't take them to rainbows.

When someone comes up with a good solution, please tell me.

You can always trade the weekend with him.

Bonnie has some great ideas.
My distance is 25 miles about 45 minutes.
It also doesn't state driving, so X does all the driving on his 1/3 time.
After driving 100 miles per day for 4 years because he refused, I have no qualms about him continuing to do all the driving.
(Actually his mom does about 1/2 of his driving anyway).

OK back to activities. Our decree states that you can't sign the kids up for anything on the other parent's weekend without their consent.
My girls are in ballet. The teacher is getting divorced and let's them go every other week. They miss alot, but it's first year ballet.

I goaded X into going one day just to see them.
And the recital is on his weekend, so he'll have to take them. After 9 months of practice, even he won't keep them from it.

My kids know that their dad won't take them to stuff like this. They just told me last night he wouldn't take them to rainbows.

When someone comes up with a good solution, please tell me.

You can always trade the weekend with him.