Hello everyone-

As many of you know, I went through custody mediation just two weeks ago. When all was said and done, my XH got a lot of what he requested, time with the kids. His overnight time increased by 10% plus non overnight summer time visitation doubled. I thought this was more than fair considering my XH is a recovering alcoholic who has quite the lengthy court record, including two stints in jail in the past year and a half, one of them less than a year ago. In addition to this he works shift work, making him unavailable to do 50/50 as he was seeking. He basically got his time increased to 30% overnights. The problem for him is that the increased time didn't reduce his child support and I know that is the reason he filed in the first place. So now he is stuck getting basically what he asked for, but with no monetary relief to show for it.

Anyway, although not thrilled with the outcome, I looked at it, figured it to be safe for the kids and realistic in terms of time. We both were to call the mediator and fine tune the agreement. I called her and found that I was the first to call. I found it ironic that the man who had pushed to get this to mediation in a hurry is now dragging his feet.

Today I went to pick up my youngest daughter from him and he approached me asking if I was willing to talk to him and rehash our agreement. I played dumb and asked him what meant and he said, "Although I hate to spend thousands of dollars and drag the kids through court, let's face it the mediator was totally unfair to me and the arrangement does nothing for me." I told him that if it made him feel any better I felt she was unfair to me. Of course he blew this off. Rather than start an argument by saying I had no interest in meeting him I told him to put his ideas in writing for me. He said he thought meeting in person was better to which I replied I wanted to see something in writing first. He said he'd think about it.

I have been told by many not to negotiate with him because it will never be enough for him and that is so true. He told the mediator he thought she was unfair and she told him based on her experience, the agreement we had worked up was better than anything he'd see in court. She told him even without his criminal record that due to his work schedule he would never achieve 50/50 like he wanted and would probably get less than we had agreed upon. Still here we are two weeks later and he's looking to re-negotiate. I know full well he doesn't have the money to go to court. I do. I have a spotless record, he doesn't. He has an addiction issue, I don't. I could go on and on. His view of the facts is so screwed up and then he has the OW standing by his side supporting his every move which even furthers his screwed up sense of reality.

I guess I am just venting, but I would really appreciate any suggestions on how to handle him. I have gotten really good at turning the deaf ear, but I have to wonder when he'll get the hint. Nothing is ever enough for him. How do I get him to face reality?

Thanks for listening.

Take care and God bless!
K

I would not negotiate with him anymore. You already said it, nothing will make him happy. Many years ago I took the alcohoic father of my kids to court and he ended up with only supervised visitation. Of course he never showed up for it.

Thanks believer for reiterating what I know to be true. I went through another round of doing the "right" thing and being fair today only to be told by XH that I am unfair and selfish when I didn't fulfill another request. The idea of having to do this for another 15 years until our youngest child turns 18 can really be overwhelming at times.

Thanks again for your response.

Take care and God bless!
K

Very similar to my X and our mediation.
It looks like he wants more time with kids just to reduce CS. Do you want to bet that Xs as ours will be decreasin their visitation by time passing by?

We had 7 sessions and it was painful...
X is also kind of person that nothing is god enough (re: payings), plus the mediator obviously was on his side.. My X knows to speak so nicely, would trick much more clever guy than the mediator was... Can you imagine - the two of them would not allow me ta talk more than 2 min.! and all I said the mediator changed to suit X's requests! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
E.g., I asked for the clause that X cannot consume any alcohol during visitation (drinking problems) and the mediator wrote - ME and him shouldn't drink!
And I never drink and told him so...
And other things - I was so frustrated...

Anyway, I stopped mediation and gave everything to my lawyer. X does not want to spend money on that either, not to mention the court, and we are now almost done finalizing Agreement... 'cause I said - 'I compromised as much as I could, if you don't agree with that, we'll have to go to the court'.
(I gave him more money from house sale proceeds just to 'buy him' - the clause of not consuming alcohol while with our boy to stay...)

I told him that from now on we will WRITE emails to each other re: the major issues (that way we cannot fight...) and if one of us doesn't agree, go directly to the lawyer, no mediation (he'd trick anyone... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I think only the law can force these kind of people to respect some decisions/agreements...

Btw, I went to the mediator after all and asked him if it's true he was not neutral or it's just my 'paranoia'...
He admitted!!!
At least he was honest at the end.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

No mediaton for me anymore...

No surprise. He didn't get what he wanted.
My X said almost the same thing as you wrote below.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told the mediator he thought she was unfair and she told him based on her experience, the agreement we had worked up was better than anything he'd see in court. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mediator's suggestion was X got 6 nights of 14 and he refused. After a long, drawn out fight and psychological evaluations, X got 5 nights of 14 and the girls call crying for mom on his nights. (and yes they are safe) I say the right things, but the novelty of dad acting like the involved father has worn off. Big time.

Mediators admit that the are trying to facilitate negotiation. Each party must give to get, so everyone feels like a win-win or a lose-lose situation.

Regarding the other poster's alcohol consumption comment. This was a great idea on Mediator's part. It was intended to make X feel all things were equal. so you don't drink anyway. This statement means nothing to you then. Why does this upset you. You got what you wanted, right?

Thanks everyone. Yesterday's incident of playing fair and getting burned firmly implanted in my head that there is no negotiating with him. His taker has taken control of him long ago and we are beyond negotiating. Even when he gets exactly what he wants it's not good enough. He is very smooth, but so far the courts have seen through his act. I pray everyday that this will continue.

I do believe his threats of court are just that. I think he thinks I am so afraid to go to court that I will give in to his demands, think again. If he does decide to take it to court, my gloves are off and all the facts the mediator ignored will be presented. She even told him they would. She told him straight out that she was not even considering his criminal record, but it court they would. He is so clueless. It is irritating to think of all the money that will be wasted, but if it has to be so be it.

As for the alcohol consumption. During mediation my concerns about his drinking were raised. He countered that he was just unlucky and I should talk. At that point the mediator asked him if I was an alcoholic. He said definately not. She then asked him if I had any troubles with the law due to my drinking. He said no. She then asked if he was concerned in any way that the safety and well being of our children was in jeopardy due to my drinking. At this he said he would like to say yes, but the truth was no. At this point she went on to say that she thought he should drop the arguement. For the record, I have a casual drink or two from time to time, but that's it and he knows it. Anway, the whole idea was dropped, or so I thought, until I got the agreement and the last provision in it is that my XH is to consume no alcohol in the 24 hours prior to visitation or the visitation won't take place. Needless to say my XH feels this is unfair too. Kind of weird for someone who is recovering and vows never to drink again.

So alas the saga continues, but I am holding firm to my beliefs and sticking to guns. If we are headed to court, I am ready.

Thanks for your insights and support.

Take care and God bless!

PS - Newly, I'd love to take part in your little get together, but it's a bit far from Wisconsin! Have fun!

Why???

'All things' are NOT equal!

1. - X'll have 14% time with our son; 86% - me!

MOREOVER

2. - He had/has/will have drinking problem, I nevar had/have/will have!
What that clause would picture me like???
It is insult! False accusation/assumption!!!
Yes, it pictures Him, but it's the FACT, and I'd LOVE he quits drinking and remove that clause!

That was the only way to make sure my son won't see his father drinking, moreover be in danger of impair judgments caused by alcohol consumation..... !

As for me, my son will never see me drinking... not only for I could spend the rest of my life without a drop of alcohol, but simply because it is not way I want to raise him.....


(Btw, that clause stays there... X knows I won't give it up and accepted it...)

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still reeling:
<strong>I do believe his threats of court are just that. I think he thinks I am so afraid to go to court that I will give in to his demands, think again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">X knows me well enough... If I strongly believe in what I should do to protect my child, I'd go to the end - take a loan if it takes and be paying it off for the rest of my life - to fight for things I feel I have to...
So, I'm ready for the court...
I'd collect all evidence, and if the court thinks I'm not right - well, than I'd have to accept it... But not before that!


Well, he accepted... at least no worry about that part...


Good luck!

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

Belonging-

I'm glad your XH accepted. Although my XH still tries to manipulte me, he also knows that I will fight tooth and nail to protect our children, I always have. He also knows that I have family and monetary support to fight him, which he doesn't. Like you, if I lost in court I would have to accept it, but I am hoping it won't come to that. In some ways I would prefer to go to court and take my chances, but feel right now the mediation agreement leaves the kids out of it so am willing to take it.

Good luck!

Take care and God bless!
K

Thank you!

Yes, he accepted!
+ my name was removed from that clause, of course!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't worry - just follow your (Mom's) instincts and everything will be just fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God bless your kids & you too!