This is my first post here, though I've been reading for a couple/few weeks.
I know there's a general no-no about saying some of the things I said in this letter, to be delivered Saturday to my wonderful wife of 3 1/2 years (been together off/on for 8) whose love I have busted in a big way. She moved out Superbowl weekend and I'll probably post my story at a later date. Anyway, I guess I just wanted feedback on this or maybe a "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, DON'T GIVE HER THAT LETTER!!!"
DW,
I think the general advice is not to write these kinds of letters in this type of situation, but I feel a strong need to throw it all out there just so you know. There are two reasons I wasn’t answering the telephone for the first few weeks of our separation. First of all, it’s agonizing to have to talk about all of the “next steps” we have to take in our separation. Things like dividing our stuff, splitting bills, canceling accounts are all too painful of a reality for me. They are so painful that I just decided to try my best to ignore it for as long as I could. At the same time, I thought maybe if I gave you enough space and kept contact to a minimum you might start to miss me. Which I know you do, but I now realize it doesn’t make up for any of the things I have done and not done in our marriage. Not answering the phone had nothing to do with me being mad at you, nothing that has happened since we separated had to do with me being mad at you. I am not mad at you.
Sometimes it is a difficult decision between seeing [SON, 23 months] on a particular weekend or seeing my family. I love my time with [SON], yet sometimes I feel so overcome with guilt, shame, and grief that I need to see family and friends just so that I can have somebody to talk to. It is not a decision to abandon him. I am going to try to do it more often now that I have said all I need to say. It is very important to me that he has his father as much as possible.
Today on the phone, when you told me how sick you’ve been…it crushed me. My biggest fear is that one of us will get sick or hurt and the other won’t be there. Sure, your parents are there, your friends are there, but I’m not. And regardless of whether you think it’s my concern or my business anymore, I feel it is. I don’t know if you say that because you are hurt, or if you really think I don’t care. You are still my wife, and my greatest love, and I can’t just turn it off. Our marriage and marital problems has never been about me not caring, I care very much. I got into several very bad habits and didn’t realize how truly “love-busting” they were. Yes I knew some of the things were hurting you and I tried to stop myself but I just couldn’t. And there were things I said or did that I didn’t even realize until now as being equally hurtful to our marriage. For all of this, I am so ashamed and sorry in ways you cannot imagine. It shouldn't have been that hard to be decent and helpful to someone I love so dearly.
My point is, I’ve been reading for hours and hours and hours (the total would probably measure in weeks) since pretty much the day you two left. It’s really hard to do sometimes because I see the things I’ve done in our relationship (and not done) on all these lists of bad/good features in a relationship. I read about all these things that I did or said, that I’m not supposed to. And I read about all these things that I didn't do or say, that I am supposed to. It’s hard to read and realize how awful I have been as a husband, and even a father. I kept making withdrawals from your “bank” of love, yet I stopped making deposits. Now the account is overdrawn. I can’t possibly know how hurt you are, how “out of love” with me you are, none of that. I only know that it is a lot. I've tried to imagine how hurt I would have to be in order for me to leave...I couldn't even come up with an answer, it is that unimaginable. But I also know now what I should have been doing from the start.
Repairing a marriage that has gone this far downhill is a lot of work, and it’s not my decision to make. I just hope that you will think long and hard, for months if you have to, about how you would like to proceed. In the meantime, I’m still reading and seeing a counselor and getting my own stuff taken care of, and hoping that in a while you might recognize the man you fell in love with. That’s all I can do, it is a lot of hard work but to me it is worth it. You were the greatest wife and still are the greatest mother, even in the hardest times. This is not a “please take me back right now” letter. If you ever want to see a counselor together, at least it would give us an idea of how far apart we have grown, or if it is even possible to salvage things. And it would give us an opportunity to talk about things we can’t talk about alone. Money is no object on this, and it never should have been. A person can’t put a price on family. At the very least you may consider seeing a counselor on your own. It could help a great deal with some of the angst and depression you've been feeling. I want you to be able to realize that you are the funny, strong, intelligent, loving, beautiful woman I have loved all these years, not the worthless piece of garbage I made you feel like. You can call our insurance company and I'm sure you could see someone for a $15 copay per session. I'll continue to pray for your happiness, health and healing.
