I am 27, married for two years, no kid. Last month, I got a restraining order against my husband and filed for a divorce. It had been a series of verbal and physical abuse and on Sunday night, February 22nd, my husband tried to push me out of the house. It was raining very hard outside. I ran toward the living room. He followed me, kept pushing me and I felt. He said he wanted me to get an accident on the highway and die. He said he wanted to burn the house so that I wouldn't get anything. He said he wanted half of my clothes to burn them. I couldn't reach the phone to call the police because the phone was in the corner behind him and I was afraid he would hit me if I tried to reach the phone.
I got a RO later in the week. It was a temporary. On Monday next week, March 29th, we will have to go to the court. The judge will hear and decide the case.
My H already filed a response denying everything.
Since I didn't call the police, there was no police report. ( I did go to the police station the next day to report the incident to a police officer ) There was no witness. ( I wish the wall could talk ) I will have to prove my case in this situation. Actually, my lawyer will talk and he has a lawyer, too.
Here is things I think I would ask my lawyer to consider:
1. Prove that my H is a liar. He has falsified legal document before. I just found out that when he refinanced our house, he put under his name: un unmarried man. I have all the refinance document to prove that.
2. Prove that my H has a short tempter. I have his own email sending to me saying that it is one of the reason that demised our relationship.
3. In his own statement to the court, he said that that night, we had an argument and he wanted me to leave. He said he gently guided me to the door ( WOW). I could point out that I never wanted to leave. It was raining and I have no where to go and I want to stay at my home. He wanted me to leave, so he pushed me ( which is what happened).
If you were a judge, would these argument convince you?
By the way, he was the one who wanted the divorce. I checked the phone bill and actually called all the women that he had been calling without my knowledge. I also checked the internet history in our computer and just found out just my H visited and logged in a dating homepage to find dates.
For the divorce, he wanted the house, not sharing anything with me. It is under his name but we purchased it only two weeks before we got married and we paid for it from our joint checking account since then. I personally wrote most of the mortgage payment check and the property tax check. I asked him many times to add my name into the title and he tried to avoid it. We live in state of California, where I believe the community asset law applies.
I feel numb now, I just lost my marriage. The worst alreaddy happened, but now all these court dates and lawyers, and arguments just put me in a weird emotion, like I am a different person. I am myself a sweet and caring person. I just don't want all these negative emotion with a person I once loved. I want to forgive and go back to being me. My family said that I can forgive other stuff, like money, the house, cheating, but I am not allowed to forgive him for endanger me because it is my safety that is at stake. I know they're right. I know I did the right thing by getting a RO and filed for a divorce. I just feel very very strange, very not me when I have to keep up with this fight. Anybody in a same situation?

Hi - even if you can't "prove" your story, the judge probably gives you the benefit of any doubt, since that's the least risk of him/her making a wrong decision. There are no custody implications, which makes it easier for a judge to uphold the RO. That is, you are not keeping your husband from seeing his kids.

Your lawyer knows best, but I think the email, and the falsified legal financing document, will be helpful. On top of that, it sounds like you are telling the truth, and assuming that's the case, the judge will probably see that. Just don't get caught lying yourself, even in something "little".

This was your first post. If you read the other material on the site, you saw that MB is all about restoring marriages, which is what you talked about towards the end. But, in cases of physical abuse, even the MB principles call for total separation. This agrees with what your family is saying.

Good luck on Monday. But I think you need some professional counseling, either through MB or locally, so that you do not get sucked back into his world. This is not an isolated case of abuse, but a pattern that includes continual lies and deception. You have a short-term marriage and no kids. The best thing is to get out ASAP.

I think the judge will allow a RO especially if both of you have agreed to divorce. My H is in an anger management group (broke my arm two years ago when we were arguing about a woman whom he in fact was having an affair with) and part of the treatment is an ongoing support group. The guys who come in always downplay what they did (ie gently guided wife to door) and blame the wife. My guess is that it will be clear as day to the judge that he is an abuser.

At least in Minnesota, your H can deny the allegations but accept the RO. This is a civil, not a criminal matter. OW finally issued a harassment order against me, and that's what I did.

I certainly realize that I was messed up to continue in a relationship with an abuser, but I think it has to do with having win-lose thinking, looking on my H as a competitor and not a collaberator. You might want to consider counseling or even looking at negotiation to win-win solutions. And be glad you are ending the M with no children.

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

I so understand you...I was many times in the same or worse situation, and even advuced to 'escape", I am still here, and he is still abuseive and agressive.
I am not able to go, yet I do not think so he will change, either.
I envy you, for your strengh... I am an immigrant, in a very hard situation, dependable, but you did what I maybe needed too. My husband even do not want to get counseling for his angel, and abusive manners. He, manny times trew me out of appartment/snow/rain/cold, without money. then, he would lock the door. I would ocassionally stay at my father's place. Also, i alsways have a ready shoes, and bag with primary things, in the case he gets angry...and that could just happen every moment.
I also found him calling his ex, but he denied all.
He is lately volontering his time, spending time with his female colegue. I even do not trust him, for he is suppose to go working out of town, for my birthday, too.
He denied calling her, and made me like a crazy. He plays games with my mind, he wants me to feel like I messed up. I just know what i saw, and that makes me very afraid of him, even more. Yet, he confuses me with ocasional promisses like we'll work out, we'll be OK, both financially, and emotionally. But, it never happen. recently he also told me of our credit debt, that he has not been teling me the whole amount. I almost fainted. We both have to work very hard for that. I feel like betrayed, and I am serios. thinking of a divorce charged of verbal and phisical abuse. I never told anyone that he was the one who broke my Knee. I was unable to walk for 6 monts, and still now have pain almost every day. he is controlling me.
He wants-Me to go counseling for depresion and attacking him verbaly and putting him down. I never called him names, and he calles me a pig on a daily basis. He is just one terrible man with damaged nerves, and I am 28. I am just screwing up my life.
Why? Why do not i do the same as you do, the very next time he tells me get the f... out, and trew me from my appartment, too out, and lock the door, I should just never come back...And one, one day, I will do it. I really look at you as hero...you represent the voice of those who are still weak and not able to move on.

Peace

l.

I am seeing my lawyer tomorrow morning (Monday the 5th) to see about getting a RO against my stbxH. He was not to have any contact or association with me, either directly or indirectly from bail conditions he was given after being arrested for child porn possession. Those charges are being withdrawn by the crown on April 13th, which means the bail conditions will disappear as well.

In my case, I have 3 young sons to worry about. They have not seen their father since June 14th 2003, but not b/c I have kept them from access. Contrary to that, I have been openly allowing it ONLY if through a specific supervised visitation centre in my neighbourhood.

The boys were protected by the ex's bail conditions, due to the nature of the charges, and could only see him under supervision. On the 13th, that disappears as well.

I had to face my ex in court on March 24th, b/c he had violated those bail conditions last summer, and flipped me his middle finger while driving by me. I was SO NERVOUS to have to see him again. And what made it worse, was that his lawyer was outright calling me a LIAR on the stand! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Your lawyer will guide you with his/her questions to state what happened. Take you time when answering.. ESPECIALLY when being questioned by your H's representative. If you don't know an answer to a question, then say so. It's okay to say you don't remember.

You filed a statement with the police one day after the event occurred. That's GOOD, VERY good. Here in Ontario, we are able to view our statements before going on the stand, to refresh what we said back when it happened. Do you have that opportunity as well? Your lawyer should have a copy of your statement... be sure to ask to see it before trial.

I agree, that yes, you are doing the right thing by getting a D from your H. I left before I was hit... but there were holes in the walls of our home, and unfortunately, our oldest son was hit by him too (that was on the day I left with the boys for a shelter).

This is painful, remembering these events. But at the same time, I'll be going through them again tomorrow with my lawyer.

Take care,
Karen

Lena N.......You should take your husbands advice and go to a counselor. Tell them what you told us here and they will get you help and keep you safe. Submit it to his insurance for payment and just dont go back. If you have any kids with you, take them too. Call a womens shelter, a crisis hot line, anything, but do it today. We are all hero's in our own eyes to have taken a stand against abusers. I know how hard it is, the control, the manipulation, the feeling of need and inability to get by on your own. There is help. Make the call. Start a new thread and let us know what steps you are taking. Take care.