I found out that my husband was having an affair. He attacked me and he viewed the whole issue as my problem. At first I accepted the guilty and I did every thing to adjust to the way he wanted me to be. He left the lady in question and then he met with another lady and I found out about it all. I am really angry but as a christian I have battled with leaving him because of what Jesus said that it is because of the hardness of man's heart that he granted divorce but in realty he is against it. I am really hurting I have tried on many occasion to forgive and move on but I am finding it difficult. I think I need help. Can anyone help. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 07:08 AM: Message edited by: Beingthere ]</small>

There is one thing I have learned, and that is that the WS wants you to believe it is all about forgiveness. Then the focus is on you. The Lord does not want you to tolerate infidelity. My recommendation is to get him into a program of recovery. Then the focus is on him and what he is going to do.

"Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you." The Lord forgives those with a firm purpose of amendment. What is he doing to show you that firm purpose of amendment?

Don't underestimate the hurt he has given you. Don't allow you to guilt him into thinking this is your problem.

I can empathize...My ex was also a serial adulteror. I lived through the pain, anger and hell that an affair throws at you...only to listen to my ex tell me how it was all my fault. He would cry and ask for forgiveness...but there was no true remorse....and what I have learned over this experience is that you may or may not have contributed to his affairs. However, it was entirely his choice to actually have an affair(s).

Actions speak so much louder than words. An adulteror will do a lot to make you feel like the guilty person that caused them to behave in an immoral way---but don't accept that. A person who is truely remorseful will ask for your forgiveness in both words and actions. They won't just want to sweep it under the rug. They will treat you lovingly and demonstrate their commitment and love to you. If they don't do that....then they are truely not sorry for what they have done.

In my case, my ex did it over and over and over again. It was heartbreaking...and there was no excuse for his behavior. I wish now that I had seen how he behaved after each affair. It was short-term remorse....and then he wanted to just forget about it and go on like nothing had happened. When a marriage is broken from the heartache of infidelity...there has to be more than just forgetting about it and moving on with you lives. For it to work, to people have to want it and work for a happy marriage. The problems just won't go away...you have to develop a new marriage based on new principles that are discussed and lived. I wish I had understood that earlier...it would have saved me from 14 years of pure hell. Good luck and my thoughts and prayers will be with you. Pat

Thanks for your support and words of encouragement. I am so frighten. I spoke to my sisters and some friends and I know I am going to loose some of them. Most of them feel I should try and give it a go. I am just too exhausted and I just need the strenght to get through this.

Go ahead and give it a go. The key here is that infidelity is intolerable. It is not up to you to change your husband's behavior. It is up to him to change. You can forgive but not tolerate.

M&M and Cherished,
That is wonderful advice.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A person who is truely remorseful will ask for your forgiveness in both words and actions. They won't just want to sweep it under the rug. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH wanted to sweep it under the rug, bury his head in the sand, etc.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They will treat you lovingly and demonstrate their commitment and love to you. If they don't do that....then they are truely not sorry for what they have done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When they do it again, this surely shows that they are not showing their commitment and love to you.
How do you know when to give up? When to move on?
How many times do you let them do this to you and trust that they won't do it again?
It's a very scary process to try to forgive and trust again and maybe get hurt again.