My husband of more than 15 years just told me he had been unfaithful to me a several times during the 90`s while he was on travel; at least two of those times with hookers! Disgusting!! I told him so clearly before we were married that if he ever cheated, that it would be certain divorce. We have two children together, 9 and 11. I want to teach them that a woman does not have to take this. Others are telling me to work it out and not file yet. I just can`t see how I could ever let him touch me again let alone stay married to him. Men have got to learn what cheating does. Has anyone been faced with this? About to file!

If you want to teach him a lesson he will never forget, then divorce him.

If you want to do what is best for your marriage, your children, your husband and yourself, the answer is not quite so clear.

Look at the big picture of your marriage. Will it be easier on you, your children and your husband to work to rebuild the marriage? Or will it be easier on all to end the marriage?

Teaching him a lesson, IMHO, is not as important as how to protect the family and its members.

fireball - You are on the wrong forum. You need to be in general questions. Yes it is very upsetting to learn this, but it is no reason for divorce.

Stick with us and we will help you through this. Many of us thought that an A would be the end of the marriage. But that is not always true.

Fireball ,
I'm sure you're mad and hurt, and that's why you jumped to this forum. What were the circumstances that he told you about his affairs? What led up to this conversation? Does your H want a divorce, or to work on the marriage? Do you feel "locked in" to divorce because you threatened it previously? A little history would help with more insightful responses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Fireball said: I want to teach them (children) that a woman does not have to take this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not teach your children about forgiveness instead? Forgiving may accomplish several goals -healing your marriage, giving you peace, AND showing your children that a wife can work together with her husband to create a strong and lasting marriage that can overcome (e.g., not take) things of this nature.

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Fireball,

I agree with everyone,. (but I can be that way sometimes)

You need to think about what it is that you want. Do you want to set an example of him for your children and all men?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Men have got to learn what cheating does</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is best for your children?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We have two children together, 9 and 11. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jumping right into the divorce forum may not be your best choice. You need to take time for yourself and do some learning as to what is going on.

There are lots of people here that have survided affairs and found themselves in a relationship better than they ever dreamed.
How to Survive Infidelity

Most importantly, it will be a big help for others to give you advice if they new what it was that brought this on.

What is your history with H ?

What kind of problems have you had in the last 15 years?

What brought it up that he confessed this to you? This is an important one because it gives an idea of his intentions.

He has been a good husband and a good father. That is why this has just floored me. I had no idea he would go so low. But, I can`t ever see how this ever could be fixed. He wants to go to counselling. He keeps begging forgiveness and says he went through some kind of "male" crisis; blah, blah. Yes, of course he wants to stay married, but he is not the one who was betrayed!! Would it really be better for the kids if we stayed together in the same house but never talked or were close anymore?

I know it's very painful but him telling you is being truthful and getting it in the open and in the past. No one in this day and age has not experienced this betrayal. Best advice I have is don't harp about it. Tell him counceling is needed for you both and then do it! I've also heard of the betrayed suggesting some type of punishment but once the betrayer has done the sentence leave it in the past (try your very best to leave it in the past)

Hang on to your marriage. If he was a good father and husband, he can be one again.

People make mistakes, and yes this was a huge one. Most WS's don't go out purposely to betray their spouse. They get ensnared in an emotional relationship and then cross the line.

I know you are terribly shocked and hurt, but stick with us for awhile, and your feelings may change.

First thing I would do is go TOGETHER for AIDS tests, having HIM explain to the Doctor why you need them.

If he's not man enough to do that, you'll know how hard he's willing to work on the marriage. If not -- file the papers.

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: Elan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Would it really be better for the kids if we stayed together in the same house but never talked or were close anymore? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, this is not good for the kids, but it is also not the only choice.

You are angry and feel you have a right to be angry. You do have options. Once you calm down, you can consider your options.

There are a great many resources on this site to help you heal. Use them. And get yourself a counselor for the emotional toll of dealing with this revelation.

I never felt like my husband really cared about me. He never showed the least sign of jealousy. He even said that if I wanted to "try" another man, that all I`d need to do was talk to him about it first; "a la Open Marriage" So this is what I finally did because there was this friend of a friend who started coming on to me. I figured why not? But when I told my husband about my desire, all this garbage just poured out of him. That is what caused his confession. I was faithful to my husband for our entire marriage. I had so many opportunities to cheat, but I never did because I have principles. What he will soon have is no more wife!! By the way, I am now dating this "friend of a friend" and it feels wonderful!

Fireball
In your first post, dated 3/28/04 @ 2:10pm, you said your H "just told you about previous affairs", and not a lot of other details were provided. Over the next 24 hours, you add a few more details, which are helpful. Now in your most recent post barely 24 hours later, you say "By the way, I am now dating this "friend of a friend" and it feels wonderful!"

Sounds like things moved very quickly, or you weren't giving full disclosure when you first posted. I don't know that you would find many who advocate "open marriages" here at MB. Most would agree that type of thinking only hurts the Marriage Building process. What is it exactly you want from us? Validation? The overwhelming majority of us have felt the same betrayal that you said you felt in that initial post; you aren't alone in your hurt. However most of us don't run out and have affairs afterward (even if we considered it). And yes, dating a guy while you're still married would constitute an affair. It would put you in the same place that your husband is in. So what does that teach your children?

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Avondale

Sorry if the timing is a bit haywire. My husband told me he betrayed me about a month ago, and so much has happened since then. But I never was unfaithful to my husband; never! But when he told me what he did, I figure what is the point. I took my ring off and declared myself a free woman. I started dating pretty much right away, and I have found a real honest man who appreciates me. Ok, on paper I am still married, but in my heart, I am single. I have not really told my children anything; only that I have a new friend. I don`t think I need to tell them anything more. They are still quite young.

My husband didn`t think about being married when he screwed around. I wonder if he had his ring on when he was doing it? I even ironed his shirts and packed his suitcase for the trips he went on when he betrayed me.

I don`t know what I want from this forum; maybe just some ears. I also wonder if I ever will find a man I can trust. I didn`t get it with my husband and I really thought I knew him. I took care of myself, kept myself fit and attractive. What for?!

fireball,

First I gotta let you have it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

WOW Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! You cannot justify your actions by blaming your H. An A is an A no matter what. Just because he did it doesn't mean that it is right for you and I'm sure you know that.

Ok... Now...

It sounds to me like you are here for support because you see a D in your future. Nobody is here to judge anyone and going to the infidelity boards may not be right.

This is a tough time for anyone that finds themselves on this road no matter what led them here.

You can still have the ears that you need and whatever support and advice others can provide but I think it is important that you make sure you understand the MB concepts, Give a little more detail of your story(we don't mind reading), but most importantly,

you need to figure out what you want.

Lets face it, you didn't find this site searching for a "How do I get even with my cheating husband" web site. You found a web site to repair a marriage that needs help.

WIWH

WIWH

I was honest with my husband. I told him about my desire for this other man just like we always agreed we would. What he did though was entirely behind my back! There is a huge difference! His kettle is much blacker! I would never have let this guy I`m seeing come on to me if my husband hadn`t "slimed" me. He has got to know there are consequences to cheating. He`s getting what he deserves and being sorry does not change things. I was home taking care of our children and he was off with some whore spending our money half way around the world. I guess what I want is to feel appreciated and respected. He destroyed it!

Fireball,

MARRIAGE BUILDERS....not affair builders.

Yes, you are hurt and angry by what your H told you. BUT 2 wrongs do not make a right. He had affairs and now you're having an affair.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has got to know there are consequences to cheating. He`s getting what he deserves and being sorry does not change things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like you are here hoping to get support to justify your affair. Wrong venue.
Second, you are still in BLAMING mode from your statements above.
The steps of grief are (and:
Denial,Anger,Blame,Acceptance,Recovery
And you can see exactly where you are right now. Unless you begin to heal yourself, you'll be stuck in the Anger/Blame stage. A new relationship will not help you heal, it will just delay healing. Get a counselor.