Hey everyone,
I'm new here. I came seeking some advice about my husband and what I have come to realize must be an addiction. <p>My H and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6, and have a 4 month old daughter. While dating in college, my H smoked a great deal of marijuiana (daily basis). I wasn't into it myself, but it didn't bother me that he was doing it then. When he graduated from college and got a job, I assumed he had quit. He just stopped doing it around me, so I really didn't think he was smoking it anymore. I found out one day, by showing up at his home without calling first, that he was still smoking. I told him that I was surprised that he was, and that I figured that since he was out of school and working that it wasn't exactly the "thing" to do anymore. Too many risks. Saving for future, could lose job, get arrested, etc. I also told him I wasn't really keen on him smoking because I felt it was something people with low self-esteem do. I didn't figure him for that type of person. He said I was right, wouldn't do it anymore...etc.<p>6 months ago, (towards the end of my pregnancy) I was cleaning out my H's pockets to put his clothes in the laundry and came across a bag with pot and paraphenalia. I confronted H. Told him that I wasn't as concerned about his smoking pot as I was his lying to me about it. (I had asked him on a few occassions why his eyes were red *had no idea he was smoking though* and he'd lied about the reason). He was upset, and swore he'd never do it again. I think he was afraid I was going to leave him. <p>Since then, I haven't been able to trust him with anything. (I don't question him all the time though because I know it will just cause fights). I have nightmares that he's cheating on me (sex drive has been lacking lately since having child), and I'm constantly checking his eyes out. I hate feeling this way. I love him. If he wants to smoke pot, I certainly wouldn't relish the idea, but I'd so rather him do that than lie to me or hide things from me.<p>How can I deal with this situation? How can I make myself trust him again? How can I get him to help me trust him again? <p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!

Manny, does he seem impaired when he smokes? Some people can't handle it, others live perfectly normal lives smoking every day. Is he employed? Is his energy level OK? <p>I'm asking these questions for a reason. Many people "self-medicate" emotional problems using marijuana. Some people do it for years. Some people never stop. Some people can use it the way others might have a beer at the end of the day.<p>The issue here is not the smoking pot, though your concerns about legalities, etc., are not unwarranted. The issue is the deceit. And yet, men especially, do not take kindly to being told what to do, especially those who tend to be rebellious anyway. When you told him you didn't want him to do it, you set the stage for his deceit.<p>You have to decide what is more important to you: to delude yourself that he's not getting high, or to deal with the fact that he does, and at least get some honesty in your marriage. <p>What you do will depend on whether it impairs him. Obviously it can't impair him that much or else you would have noticed it. Believe me. I can't touch the stuff, because I'll end up lying on the floor praying for the room to stop spinning. Others like it.<p>If he smokes, and he gets his stuff from a safe source, what does it mean at worst? It means an extra expense. Can he afford it? Does he cut back on some other "leisure time" activity, like buying CD's or something like that? Is he in a field where he can get jobs where they don't do pre-employment drug-testing? Is he willing at least to not smoke in front of your child?<p>My suggestion to you would be this: Drop the War On Drugs rhetoric. Many people smoke pot for years without going for harder stuff. Tobacco is the real gateway drug, and it's perfectly legal. Try to shoot for moderation rather than prohibition, if you can. Get a spirit of compromise into it. Look at the bigger picture. If he's not impaired, focus instead on the safety issues.<p>I would guess that you are quite young. Over time, he may outgrow it, he may cut down, he may just decide it's an adolescent affectation and he's had enough.<p>Bringing it out into the open and trying to find some common ground is your best bet, if you want to stay with him. I hope this helps.

Dazed and Confused,<p>Thank you for your reply.<p>I agree with much of what you said. I may have been misunderstood in my earlier post. I do not really have a huge issue with my husband smoking pot. I never really made a big deal out of it. I just objectively asked him why he wanted to smoke it, and told him that I thought it was useless myself. (I'm much like you...the floor spinning and praying for it to stop). Although I'm not all for drugs, I've done my own experimenting.<p>My husband is 30 yo. I'm 26. I did feel that at this point the smoking wouldn't be an issue anymore. I felt it was something you did in college...but that it would end after that.<p>As for the trust issue. That's one I don't know how to deal with. I did talk to my H openly about his use when I first found out about it 6 months ago. I told him then that I would rather him smoke than hide it from me and be deceitful. He told me he didn't want to use anymore, and would quit. I told him that wasn't what I was asking of him, but if he felt he could quit, then go for it. I told him I would support him in any way I could. I TOTALLY surprised myself with this reaction. I really don't know how I was so calm. I cried only because he had lied to me. I begged him to be honest in the future. Tell me if he wants to smoke. I wouldn't judge him. I'd let him do it so long as it didn't pose any serious risk (i.e. in a car, in the house, around the baby, while at work). <p>Luckily, my H does not work in a field that performs routine drug testing. He is a professional. <p>My issue is really how do I deal with his lying? It's been 6 months now, and I've turned into a paranoid moron. I have not done this yet, however I have had the most compelling urge to search his car, through his things, turn the house upside down to find out if he's still smoking. He's had red eyes a few times since, but he also has allergies and therefore I can't ever tell. His personality is hardly effected. He's absentminded anyway.<p>So...can you help me now that you know where I really stand? Help me to stop driving myself nuts wondering if he's still lying. If he could lie about smoking pot, would he lie about anything else?<p>Another thing you mentioned...that people smoke as an emotional outlet. I addressed that when I spoke to him also. Asked him if there was some reason why he chose to pick it back up? Have I not been there for him? Is he stressed with work, baby, yada yada yada. I'm worried there's more to it, and he won't tell me. I don't know why!! How can I get him to open up, and I need to know why he won't open up to me of all people. I'm the person that EVERYONE opens up to! <p>Thanks for any input you can offer!

See www.health24.co.za and click on cybershrink<p>He answers your questions sufficiently and quickly<p>Carol

Manny,
I have experienced the same issue you have, with added problems. I am 35yo and now have 3 children from 21mo to 5 yrs old. My H too smoked a lot of pot when we met 11 yrs ago and I assumed he quit after we were married(b/c I never saw him do it anymore). Now, 9+ yrs into our marriage, I have found out that he has been doing it all along, as well as drinking excessively(this I knew)and began doing coke, checking out porn sites daily, etc. Basically his behavior has worsened over time. We are now separated. He has never treated me with respect or honesty or genuine caring. I loved him, though, and let it continue. After counseling and broken promises, I do not want to be married anymore, even he says he will change. Too late for me. I strongly suggest for your sake and your baby's, that you seek marriage counceling to deal w/ this before it becomes worse. Maybe he won't go as far as my H did, but from experience, I don't wish this on anyone. Please urge him to be honest!!! J

CarolBo - thank you for the link. I will try that out.<p>mrssenyah - My H has always treated me with respect. He helps out around the house, is a fabulous cook (usually handles dinner despite his often working overtime) and wakes up with the baby in the morning in order to help me out so I can get ready for work also. He really is a great person.<p>He says he smokes because it helps him see his "list of things to do" and to be able to focus on doing one thing at a time rather than being overwhelmed with all the things he has to do. He's somewhat hyperactive so I can see how this would help. Not that I agree with his use of it, but I understand where he is coming from.<p>What I was really concerned with was his lying to me about still using. I know that he is aware that I don't like him using it, so I assume that is the reason why he hid it from me...but what has consumed me, is the fear that he will do something else that he thinks I don't like and will hide it as well. I'm just a very honest and open person. I communicate like crazy. I'm not used to being lied to. This is new to me. And the fact that my H would be the one to do it has thrown me for a loop.<p>I am terribly sorry for your lost relationship. I sincerely hope that my situation with my H does not eventually become what you have described. I also hope that you and your H can find some reconciliation. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and it is very sad when it doesn't work out that way. Forgiveness and mercy are hard to come by after years of hurting I would imagine. <p>Thank you very much for your reply. I will make sure let my H know that he can be honest with me without the screaming and yelling that normally accompanies wrong-doing. (Doesn't it sound like we're talking about children?) I really thought I would be dealing with these issues with our kids, not my H!<p>Thanks again.
Manny

Manny.. A word of advice.. Users.. addicts.. and ma I say someone who uses everyday is an addict.. are master liers and manipulaters.. Please please get handle on this now.. if it means digging and setting some boundores do it.. it will not get any easier. I disagree with the choose your battles..people who smoke reefer well into adulthood need the drug to keep emotions at bay.. My H used for years and years.. until I dug in .. I was critisized for everything.. I was never good enough ect.. he was incredibly moody when he didnt have it and I cant tell you the number of times he wasted more time and energy on trying to get the stuff.. time and energy he should have spent withhis kids or working on our marriage..
I have deep trust issues with my H.. he knows it and believe me.. the pot seems not like the easy one..
Dig in.. demand change.. it iwll only get worse as the demans of parenting continue to rise.. you need a father and H who is 100 %.. period of comment..
Good luck

Manny, it sounds like your husband and I are a lot alike in respect to being a "great person." I also help out with family matters and do a lot of the cooking. I spend most of my free time with my family. Unfortunately "pot smokers" have been lumped into the same catagory as that of addicts and substance abusers. Which means they are uncaring and selfish people who are only looking for their next high. I am not that person and I assume your husband is not either.<p>Obviously, the reason your husband has hidden his use of marijuana is due mainly in part to your not liking it. He does not want to upset you everytime he wants to smoke. I used to hide my smoking too. I knew my wife, at that time, disapproved of people using marijuana, so I did it in secret. (BTW, she was well aware of my use prior to marriage) What a way to live! I finally decided to come clean with her and we had some pretty deep conversations regarding my use. In the end, though, she accepted my use and has ever since. I didn't like hiding my use from her and it felt great that I didn't need to hide it from her anymore. I don't smoke everyday (nor do I have a desire to)by the way.<p>I don't think that simply because your husband lied to you about his use that he will lie about other things. To say that you can't trust him now with other issues is hard for me to fathom. Don't let his cover-up cause you to stress that he is covering up an affair. The two are completely separate from each other. You should be looking at other problems in your marriage as a starting point. Are you two meeting each others ENs? I noticed that you said his sex drive has decreased since your baby was born. Is this your first child? If so, maybe he is afraid of hurting you or is not comfortable yet with the fact that the two of you have a baby. Babies have been known to interfere with my sex drive/life. I, on the other hand, get sexually aroused when I have been smoking. So if anything, our sex life has increased.<p>I do have some questions about your husband's use. Does he smoke daily? During what part of the day does he smoke? Where does he smoke? Are his friends/associates aware of his smoking? Is he mean spirited after he smokes? Can he function mentally and physically after he smokes? I would be interested in knowing the answers to the above questions to see how much we are alike.

Whoa.<p>A lot of ground to cover.<p>First of all, Manny, you are making giant leaps where there are none.<p>Men lie. Women lie. People lie. Sometimes we lie because we know what we're doing is wrong. Sometimes we lie because we want to avoid confrontation. Usually men lie for the latter reason. Your H wants to get high. You've told him you don't think it's a good idea. He doesn't want confrontation. So he lies. You SAID you won't judge, but you already did...the first time. <p>Is that fair? No. But that's where it is.<p>How do you trust? You choose to. You say, "I will trust." Because what choice do you have? Continue to be a paranoid nut? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] And what good does that do? Worry keeps you busy but accomplishes nothing. It gives you the illusion of control where there is none. And believe me, he knows what you're doing. If you don't mind him getting high, why go snooping? Is it about him getting high, or something else? Ask yourself about this. You are setting up a self-fulfilling prophesy: "If I have the name I might as well play the game."<p>This is not about your H getting high. It's about something else. I don't know what. Think about it.<p>You said:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He says he smokes because it helps him see his "list of things to do" and to be able to focus on doing one thing at a time rather than being overwhelmed with all the things he has to do. He's somewhat hyperactive so I can see how this would help. Not that I agree with his use of it, but I understand where he is coming from.
<hr></blockquote><p>This is not as ludicrous as it sounds. Different people have different reactions to drugs. Some people focus fine on pot, others, like you and me, are worthless. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] However, if he has a touch of ADHD, some prescribed medication might serve him better, with less risk. Would he be open to an evaluation?<p>I disagree strongly with 631 that you can categorize everyone who uses every day as an addict. That means everyone who has a beer at the end of the day is an addict. Now cigarette smokers, those are addicts. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] There are very few people who can "handle their drugs", but there are some. Whether your H is one is something only you and he know. And he is NOT automatically assured to "go on to harder stuff." That is a MYTH.<p>Manny, there is something else going on in your marriage that I can't identify. It may be triggered by your changing roles from just a couple into a family. I suggest you look inside yourself and see what's there. If you can afford counseling, get some. Sometimes what we think we're anxious about isn't the problem at all.

Well I disagree Strongly with you.. Lets get one thing straight.. POt.. weed reefer. cannibus.. whatever youwant to call it is ILLEGAL>>
I can only assume that you.. have not lived with an active user.. or maybe you have.. or maybe you smoke pot and are just pertraying that you couldnt handle it..
You have told this girl to look inside of her.. to what her problem is, or what her issue might be..
We quite frankly.. maybe she wants a home MINUS drugs.. doesnt sound too much to ask,,
and YES>>>>>> people who Use everyday.. an illegal drug.. are addicts.. just because they are not on the corner does ot mean they are not using it to manage their responses.. their emotionsor whatever skelitan is in their closet..
You see I can say this emphatically.. because I have lived with someone who said I was off my rocker.. I had not right to ask him to stop.. that he had no problems.. they where all mine.. taking my kids with him to get weed.. having a supplier call our home to help bail him our of jail..hiding in the basement. well it just does not seem like normal adult fatherlike behavior .. do you think so???
in addition to be obsessive /cpmplusive when he didnt have it.. sleep .. never want to get up... only want to live that party life.. well.. it just doesnt sit right after 2 kids and a brand new big mortgage.. What I have found is.. these type of people are never happy.. alwasy has to be bigger.. better more more more.. to fill the void that exists with in the,, even you the spouse.. are picked and put down at will.. you after all are just another high.. a possesion of sorts...
I do believe you had good intentions here tryong to tell manny to look deeper.. and what is a little pot going to hurt.. yes i agree look deeper.. into why your H is still using when he has a baby.. and a family now.. why is he dragging that along.. Must need it for something.. as you said to be.. one cannot generalize.. just clump all pot users into one lump.. and then you went as far as to talk about smoking and drinking.. which I said nothing about.. but im usre you felt it would prove a point.. the fact is Alcohol and smokes.. are legal.. yes.. people who drink every day.. a beer. well it is their choice.. does not put a whole family at risk of buying the stuff.. does not need to hidden.. ect.. so you see.. there really is no comparison.
this is after all a public forum and the fact the manny felt she needed to seek advice says .. it is not sitting right with her.. just it does ot sit right with alot of people..

631, I am sorry that you have experienced the pain that results from living with a substance abuser. I am very well aware that there are plenty of people, indeed, I would say MOST people, who cannot handle drugs, and those should stay away. I can't handle liquor either; the only time I drink is when there's a Caribbean beach in front of me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't get into the legality/illegality of cannabis in evaluating whether it is evil or not, because we have a highly addictive drug in our society, that is REALLY a gateway drug, that is more difficult to kick than heroin or cocaine, and not only can you buy this drug at your local 7-11, but the government subsidizes it.<p>That drug is tobacco. My mother is a tobacco addict. She had lung cancer and still smokes. My H is a tobacco addict.<p>However, that said, you do have a valid point in the risks one takes in obtaining the stuff. Obviously your H took some serious risks that he should not have taken given that he is a father. Once you have children, what you want no longer matters; the children's needs should come first.<p>Manny's H is also a father, and yes, this is a consideration. It's something neither of them thought of before having children.<p>However, what I see in Manny's posts is that she KNEW that her H was a pot smoker, and either she thought she could change him or she led him to believe that it didn't bother her when it did. Either way, she wasn't honest with him.<p>And now he's not being honest with her.<p>I think it's very dangerous to give people advice based solely on our own experiences, particularly when our own experiences are painful. We filter everything through our own pain. I understand your concerns and your viewpoint, 631, even though I don't agree with all of it, and even though I do not accept your experiences as universal.<p>My own opinion is that Manny's H is probably somewhat immature. Name me one male who isn't. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] But he's already shown that if she makes a demand that he quit, he'll just sneak. And it's the sneaking that bothers her more than the pot smoking. <p>So what are you suggesting she do? Leave him? Demand that he quit? What good will that do?<p>I'd be willing to bet that if some of these other issues were resolved, her H would be more willing to give up the wacky tabacky.

jsg,<p>I'd like to respond to your post, and when I have more time I will. First, and while I have this moment, I want to respond to Dazed and Confused, and then to 631.<p>Dazed and Confused,<p>There is nothing more obnoxious than two people carrying on about a person they know nothing about and making presumptions that they cannot make, all the while talking about a person who can read their rhetoric and just get more and more frustrated with their lack of understanding. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] No offense, I know it is all well-intended rhetoric. Just frustrating. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please don't make assumptions (and state them as fact) regarding my H and I and what we did or did not think about before bringing a child into this world. We both thought long and hard. We just didn't think long and hard together. I wasn't aware of his smoking until child was well underway. He didn't decide to start smoking again until child was also well underway. Bad decision, and bad timing, but also probably the reason he started back. Little stressful thinking of having a family. I don't know. <p>I did not, nor do I intend to, nor do I want to change my H. I want to understand him better. I want to help if he needs it. <p>My H has a history of addiction. He came from a family of addicts (alcohol primarily). He fears becoming an alcoholic because he is genetically predisposed to the disease. When he picks something up, whatever it may be; smoking, BC Powder for headaches, etc., it becomes a habit he finds hard to break. It scares him. It scares me. <p>He quit smoking pot for a while. Not because I asked him to, but because he genuinely realized it had become another addiction. Like most addicts, he was lulled into believing he had quit, therefore he didn't have a problem with it. When it was reintroduced to him in June of 2001, he thought, sure, I can smoke today. No biggie. Well he was wrong...it started that cycle again. He felt ashamed for doing it himself, therefore, he lied to me about it. This is what he has told me. I believe this. <p>What I have a hard time with is the ease with which he lied. It seemed to come very naturally, and that has sent up red flags. I have talked to him openly about his use. He knows that I will not, do not, and have not judged him for using. I was honest with my concerns with his smoking, and told him that I had no use for the drug myself. It didn't allow me to function at my best, and in emergencies (which do arise from time to time) I like to be prepared. When he expressed his desire to quit, I only asked what I could do to help. Did I act surprised when I found out he was smoking again when he was out of college (before 6/01) yes, I had acted surprised. I did tell him then that I didn't think he'd be smoking anymore considering he was out of school. I probably expressed my opinion of that choice by my tone of voice. I didn't call him a loser, and tell him that if he continued I'd have to leave him. I just told him I was surprised. I thought only people with low self-esteem smoked. I was younger then, and realize that I didn't handle that correctly, but we weren't married yet either. I have never forbid my H to do anything. I doubt I ever will. I know the appeal of forbidden fruit.<p>Anyway...not that you needed or asked for all of that information. My H and I have discussed this situation. I told him that maybe he had ADHD and that was why he felt he needed the pot to get his "task list" complete. I felt I could relate to him in that way because I was diagnosed with it myself years ago, although I don't take anything for it. <p>He told me he was interested in talking to a psychologist about his anxiety (yes being a new father freaked him out). He said that he was afraid of taking ritilin or other such drugs because with his track record, he might abuse. I told him to express that to the psychologist and the two of them may be able to work it out. I would be there for him whatever he chose to do. <p>Finally, I don't have a War on Drugs with my dear H. My compulsion to check through all of his things looking for signs of use stems from the cunning way in which he hid his use for months, not the actual use itself. I want to make sure I don't have my head in the sand. I just feel a bit blind-sighted right now, and have been since I discovered he was using and hiding it from me. If I found out he was using again, I would be completely distraught that he didn't believe in me enough to know that I will accept him as he is, but I want to at least know WHO I am dealing with. I can't deal with hiding things. <p>I don't think it is unusual for me (nor do I think it represents some other underlying problem in our marriage) that I am concerned with his lying and hiding his use. My H and I are best friends, and we usually share most everything with one another. I was surprised that something this "big" would be hidden from me. He knows me well enough to know I wouldn't leave him, and I wouldn't do anything to stop him from doing what he wants to do, unless it will kill him. I just want to be a participant in the decision. Or at least know about the decision.<p>I hope this makes sense. I'm amazed it has been this hard to explain.<p>[ February 14, 2002: Message edited by: Manny ]</p>

Manny, keep in mind that you did not provide all this information right off the bat.<p>Go back and read your first post. In your first post you indicated that a) your H functions fine, b) you really don't mind the pot smoking, it's the lying; and c) you wanted to get him to stop lying.<p>That's what I had to work with at the time.<p>You're right; one should never make assumptions about people one doesn't know, and so I didn't. But you must admit, you have provided information in your last post that is new, and casts a different light on things.<p>Drug use in a person with a family history of addiction is a far different matter than someone who just likes to get high. That IS a red flag, and you're right to be concerned.<p>See? I don't see things in black and white. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When a spouse lies, it's a difficult thing to deal with. But snooping and sneaking just makes the person lie even more. You are making a good start by opening the lines of communication in a nonjudgmental way that makes it safe to confide in you. That's all I was suggesting.