High Flight---was wondering how you are doing? Now that the divorce is final, are you handling it ok? Do you feel any sense of closure or does the pain still linger?

TW

Hi High Flight,

Welcome to our side of the forum.

I can share whatever you'd like me to share. It does seem to me, however, that in functional practise... I'm pretty much over the ramifications of my divorce/marriage. It's been nearly seven years. I've processed most of it out of my system.

I find that only when I look back, especially if someone tries to "blame" me for my divorce do I feel the pain of the divorce again. "Blame" feels like someone is pinning "the problem" on me... thus "pinning me" to the problem. Not to comfortable a position.

I'm pretty much over my marriage/divorce.

But let me know how you would like participation here.

I apologize... posts were 3 pages long, I'm a new joiner, and I didn't read them all.

From what I read, I wondered how much your job is contributing to relationship issues. We women need a lot of time with our men to feel and to continue feeling connected to them. That's just the way we are wired. OTR drivers have a challenging job in that respect. I wonder how being a pilot pulls you away from hearth, and home, and wife? It could be so simple as a time thing. The minute we feel "Undernourished" regarding time and attention... all the other little things seem to be "the problem" because we women become so much more sensitive when we are feeling emotionally unloved... and time with us and the spouse's schedule really, really makes the difference in that respect.

Maybe it's not specific things that you are doing when you are around... although maybe that's all your WW, even trying to be honest, can put her finger on. Maybe at the root is how women are wired to need love in the form of time and attention (other than FOO issues that are outside all of our control).

Let me know what you'd like me to tell you about my own processing. I'd be glad to support you in yours. I try to be a good listener.

Thanks!

Laura

TW & LL ~ Both thank you for the time to write. I'm on a layover tonight in NYC. Storms are rumbling away outside....

How I'm doing? It's up and down. WW's gotten extremely depressed. She's in her new house. She's bought all sorts of things. Yet she tries to still call me daily to "check in" and see how I am and where I am, etc. Well, last week she couldn't reach me for about 4 days. I took some vacation to bike / hike and decompress. It turned out my mobile phone & pager didn't work well in the remote place I was. So she was pretty freaked by the time we talked.

Today, she calls early this AM & was talking about how she thinks of suicide from time to time. She sobbed & is so depressed.

I got her to promise she'll see her Dr & get on anti-d's THIS WEEK. She wanted me to pray with her tonight on the phone....

I think on one hand she can hardly let go of the relationship. She said, she's just "F*&$ed up her life so bad she doesn't see how she can go on". I simply let her vent, then said, "None of us can mess up our lives so badly that God cannot fix them if we ask Him to".

My quandry right now is how available to be for her in her current depression and crisis?

I also need to move to a place of more personal safety and psychological well-being for me. This isn't in being jerked around still more by her "come close -- go away" behavior.

Has my career contributed? Not the away time according to her. Actually I'm fortunate. I'm only overnight typically 1 - 2 nights per week. Most of my trips are day trips, out and back the same day. I fly an average of 3-4 days per week. Not often on the weekends. Maybe 6-8 weekends a year. Pretty cushy schedule.

Thanks again everyone for the words and help. I need it right now.

High Flight

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong> HighFlight, so sorry that your marriage is ending in divorce. Did you receive the D papers? Praying that you will experience huge portions of God's strength and healing as you step into a new dimension of life. This may give you more closure and the ability to move forward. Will you have reason to see your WW after divorce goes through? Does WW have contact with your boys?

I read your "two things to move out of pain" and I do agree that sharing with others is helpful. It just takes too much sharing to get anywhere and my problem is that I never feel like anyone really cares to listen so it is hard for me to sort it all out at times. My greatest friends or counselors are books and they seem to help me sort through things. I try not to burden my real friends with all my misery. I am now looking for the book you suggested "Crazy Time...."

I plan on praying, fasting and spending the day with God on Sunday. Really need his direction on some major issues

Hope you are doing ok?

TW </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And TW, how are the "major issues" coming along for you?

High Flight

Boy High Flight,

I think I'll just listen. I think God is your Pilot and you stay in close communication with Him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can say that I had those, "Go away now wait a minute" feelings as I experienced panic and aversion to a relationship... and really, truly loved someone after my divorce. It was like being tossed around by huge waves. It took time for the waters of my soul to quiet and calm. I'm sorry the love was shipwrecked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What was your wife's schedule like? Did your schedules give you time together?


God bless,

Laura

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by laura_lee:
<strong> Boy High Flight,

I think I'll just listen. I think God is your Pilot and you stay in close communication with Him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can say that I had those, "Go away now wait a minute" feelings as I experienced panic and aversion to a relationship... and really, truly loved someone after my divorce. It was like being tossed around by huge waves. It took time for the waters of my soul to quiet and calm. I'm sorry the love was shipwrecked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What was your wife's schedule like? Did your schedules give you time together?


God bless,

Laura </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Laura,

Schedules initially did. Then she got heavily involved with a major work project that took her away long hours (her choice) for about 15 mos. It was classic. That's when/where she met up with her affair mate. He was a chronic affair waiting to happen as a traveling consultant.

How about you? This is a support group for all who join. What are you needing right now? How is Laura really doing? What's your future looking like?

God be near to you.

~ High Flight

Hi High Flight,

Schedules. Somehow I thought that was key. It sounds like it wasn't so much your schedule as it was your XW's. It's such a simple thing. I wish you two could re-prioritize. I do always want happy endings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for my life, well, I guess I can fill you in on a little and let you decide what you'd like to "feedback" or support.

I recently had another date with someone new. He was a very nice guy... recently divorced... and, well, I think we will be friends.

I was like Flygirl. It was "love at first sight" the first time I saw my XH. I knew, in my being, beyond any shadow of doubt... that I would marry him. But it wasn't a love that reached deep into my being. It was like being programmed by my FOO. I can really relate to what I hear Flygirl saying. Whether or not we really are a parallel there, though, I will leave for her to decide relative her own life circumstances. Who am I to interpret? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So I had this inward "don't do it!" gnawing at my core being... and I allowed myself to marry him, instead, as outside pressure conformed me to it's will.

The marriage didn't work. If I could have "made it work"... I would have. The end result scripture I felt in my heart was, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain that build it."

Which is why, I suppose, I am not one to tell Flygirl that she should try and try and try and try to build her marriage, her house, if in fact, perhaps, her labor is in vain. So I just listen.

Then, after my divorce, my eyes... lit upon another.

Love at first sight... again... but from a completely different source on the inside of me. This was a deep inner working... the real inner me... my inner being... and the inner voice ALL agreed. I struggled with the hurt part of my soul that had been damaged, beyond all repair I thought to myself, through so dark and haunting a marriage... and such a burned out state in which it's loss left me.

So I had huge dichotomous waves of "Go away!"... "No, wait a minute".... as the love in my inner being fought against the residual pain I had experienced in my prior relationship.

And, now, the waves seem for the most part to have gone away.

And, now, we have nothing to say and don't see one another so much as in passing.

My future?

My future is so bright I gotta wear shades! lol. It is God who has given me a future and a hope. So I look to the sun and walk on.

How am I doing? I am doing the best that I can. I've built a happy life for myself and want to be there to support others in their walks, and rides, into the sunset. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, there's some talk and some chat - and I'll let you tell me what you think I need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Laura

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

High Flight----I ordered Crazy Time....waiting for it to come in at local bookstore.

Wow---what your WW is doing is shear torture. I know cause my WH has done it alot. I think in my situation that we were married so long that we both can't disconnect very easily. My WH does not know what he wants. He knows he is hanging himself by not making changes for the health of our mariage but he seems to relish his "freedom" for now. It seems that women who cheat are impacted more emotionally cause we women cannot compartmentalize (put in neat sections) things like men can. All blends together....our feelings. You may need to draw some boundaries with your WW. Support and direct her to get help. You cannot fix her.....you are too emotionally involved.

I never got to fast and prayer but am planning to this coming Sunday. Last month was truly a real low time for me. I could not overcome the emotional pain of the past and a few present situations. My son not calling to tell me he moved was a real significant contribution to my feeling so unimportant. Then when I tried to explain my feelings, he got very angry and said some hurtful things. Which, by the way, is one of my ongoing problems. I try to express my feelings to those I love and my feelings are always negated or create agitation. Seems to be the dysfunction in our families of origin (mine and my kids). No one discusses what hurts. I hate it so much cause it robs of real communication and caring.

I finally went forward last week at church and had the elders pray for me for emotional healing. This was real hard. I have so much trouble asking for help. My biggest struggle has been feeling sooooooo alone and insignificant. Well things have gotten a little better but I have this dull aching aloneness. I figure if I died, I could be dead for 3 days before anyone would know it. No one that prayed with me has even asked how I am doing.

I have been reading a great book which was written for men....it is Wild at Heart by J. Eldredge. It is about the 3 desires that men and women have. I saw some of myself in this book. It validated how I feel and it confirmed for me that God has made me a certain way. I highly recommend this book to men cause it's realness is refreshing. It is written by a Christian.

One of the questions that alludes me lately: Does man and women need each other to be complete? I have heard some on these boards say that they are complete and do not need a man/woman to make them complete. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL. God made us for each other just as he made us to have friends and family. I do not feel complete at all. Am I emotionally sick cause I feel this way?

Still trying to start the paperwork for divorce but am haunted with what if it could be this way or what if this will change. I do not have the ability to let this marriage go at this point and that is ticking me off big time.

Well is that enough----I am sure that there is more but those are the major points. Boy, do I feel needy. YUK!!!!!!!!!!

TW

Hey tossed wave,

I responded to your profundity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now, on a practical level, I have prayed for you... and I am contacting you to ask, "How are you doing"... because you matter... to God and to me.

What power in the Spirit, tw, to overcome... may it infuse your being... and lift you up above the tossed waves... and set your feet upon the Rock. May God hide you in His secret pavilion... among the clefts of the Rock... where there is peace, perfect peace... perfect healing... perfect restoration... perfect quietness and stillness of soul... in the midst of the storm that rages.

Love in Christ,

Laura Lee

tw,

Bear with me, tw, because I am a "prophet"... prophetic office holder. I can tell you what is happening in the spiritual... plane.

Angels, very large angels, have been dispatched and have been sent to the midst of your situation. They have come to stop the wind that has been tossing at your soul. Things are changing and will continue to change.

Laura

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong> High Flight----I ordered Crazy Time....waiting for it to come in at local bookstore.

Wow---what your WW is doing is shear torture. I know cause my WH has done it alot. I think in my situation that we were married so long that we both can't disconnect very easily. My WH does not know what he wants. He knows he is hanging himself by not making changes for the health of our mariage but he seems to relish his "freedom" for now. It seems that women who cheat are impacted more emotionally cause we women cannot compartmentalize (put in neat sections) things like men can. All blends together....our feelings. You may need to draw some boundaries with your WW. Support and direct her to get help. You cannot fix her.....you are too emotionally involved.

I never got to fast and prayer but am planning to this coming Sunday. Last month was truly a real low time for me. I could not overcome the emotional pain of the past and a few present situations. My son not calling to tell me he moved was a real significant contribution to my feeling so unimportant. Then when I tried to explain my feelings, he got very angry and said some hurtful things. Which, by the way, is one of my ongoing problems. I try to express my feelings to those I love and my feelings are always negated or create agitation. Seems to be the dysfunction in our families of origin (mine and my kids). No one discusses what hurts. I hate it so much cause it robs of real communication and caring.

I finally went forward last week at church and had the elders pray for me for emotional healing. This was real hard. I have so much trouble asking for help. My biggest struggle has been feeling sooooooo alone and insignificant. Well things have gotten a little better but I have this dull aching aloneness. I figure if I died, I could be dead for 3 days before anyone would know it. No one that prayed with me has even asked how I am doing.

I have been reading a great book which was written for men....it is Wild at Heart by J. Eldredge. It is about the 3 desires that men and women have. I saw some of myself in this book. It validated how I feel and it confirmed for me that God has made me a certain way. I highly recommend this book to men cause it's realness is refreshing. It is written by a Christian.

One of the questions that alludes me lately: Does man and women need each other to be complete? I have heard some on these boards say that they are complete and do not need a man/woman to make them complete. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL. God made us for each other just as he made us to have friends and family. I do not feel complete at all. Am I emotionally sick cause I feel this way?

Still trying to start the paperwork for divorce but am haunted with what if it could be this way or what if this will change. I do not have the ability to let this marriage go at this point and that is ticking me off big time.

Well is that enough----I am sure that there is more but those are the major points. Boy, do I feel needy. YUK!!!!!!!!!!

TW </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tossed Wave ~

First, I'm glad you're getting the book. It will help.

Second, yes the emotional divorce / disconnection is the hardest part of all.

Third, I'm beginning to sense that indeed I'm going to have to draw up "boundaries" for my Ex W. She doesn't know how. I agree with you and thank you for validating this from a 3rd person perspective.

Fourth, God Himself said, "it is not good for man(kind) to be alone"! Therefore, we are indeed made for relationships, primary being the marriage institution created by God in Eden. So don't allow God's enemy Satan to get you off track here in a false guilt trip. It's just that we need God to put our marriages together or they won't work.

Fifth, my dear Tossed...in the famous words of Dr. Phil, "how's this working for you?" I.E., your quest for wholeness and peace and happiness to date? Doesn't sound so good. And you've been stuck on the same page for a very long time. It's time you free yourself from the paralysis of analysis, and DO SOMETHING!! Draw up effective and healthy boundaries for yourself...with the Holy Spirit's guidance of course.

Finally, it's OK to feel needy! But needy of whom? Needy of what? These are the real questions to ask and answer.

End point: I'm very very sorry that the elders & others have not followed through with visible signs of caring. Often God's church is superficial at best in helping the walking wounded. Just know that you have friends right here who truly care. I'm your prayer partner and brother in Jesus, OK?

High Flight

Cheer up, tw, I'm just kidding. We're "priests, prophets, and kings" in Christ.

When we pray, God moves. Prayer changes things.

Laura

Laura and HF---thanks for being there. It really feels good knowing that!!!! I do know you understand and there is such energy in that, too.

I am too tired to comment tonight but will reread your thoughts this weekend. Most of the depression has lifted but I have something eating away at my soul which only God can bring to the surface and extract. The Great Healer is the only One to fix our damaged souls. I know this struggle has a purpose. I know I will be healthier cause I am healthier today than I was yesterday or last week or last month or last year. The infidelity/divorce is bringing new things for me to discover and learn. I wish soon that I could coast a little through life and be the giver of help instead of the receiver.

While waiting for Crazy Time, I am reading Women Who Love Too Much and it is definitely bringing some of my pain to the surface. PTL>>>>>> Exposing the pain eventually minimizes it. It also clarifies the way to get away from it.

I will be praying for you both, too.

TW

tw,

I am just so FULL of divine love and ENERGY... that it's about RIDICULOUS!!!

I think God called me back on this board and used my physical lack of energy to do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I feel like a megaton generator of God's grace, love, and power... my heart just feels like it's a megaton generator. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I met someone who had cancer, just whooped all over the place... and I just picked her up (spiritually speaking) and started infusing her with this ENERGY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She's healed. She's restored. Her whole life turned around. She's on top!!!

And it just jumps out of me all over the place!!

Oh my lands!!

Made another friend... same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing...

I'm praying for you guys. It's just incredible.

Once I laid hands on this guy and prayed for him... he was in ICU... had had a serious heart attack. Looked all ashen and stuff.

Laid hands on him, prayed for him.... got done... just said a few words calmly... he was like, "Whoa!" "Felt like DYNAMITE exploded." "I was afraid to open my eyes, Laura!" He told me he thought he exploded, blew up, and hit the ceiling or something. lol

Man, I got it going on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Out of ICU the next day. Looked better than I'd seen him look in years. Healed!!

I'm loosing this mega divine love and energy on y'all. And it isn't draining my battery... I am so juiced it's ridiculous!! lol

Oh man. Start telling me about the miracles. They always happen.

Laura

Yeah, I don't really like being on the computer, usually. Haven't been on the computer for months.

I've very much enjoyed touching base with fellow Christians, especially.

I really want to pray for you.

It's just incredible the power, really, that comes through. It's like it gets pulled on and generated in proportion to what people need... and I feel like a "conduit" sometimes. It's just amazing what I feel as an intercessor and encourager someetimes.

I kind of want to pull away from the computer. Wasn't all that strong physically and slowed down my normal schedule for a while... and that kind of made me available to be more sedentary.

I just really want to spend the time in prayer for you guys because it is sooooooooo, sooooooo powerful.

God bless you guys,

Laura

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong> Laura and HF---thanks for being there. It really feels good knowing that!!!! I do know you understand and there is such energy in that, too.

I am too tired to comment tonight but will reread your thoughts this weekend. Most of the depression has lifted but I have something eating away at my soul which only God can bring to the surface and extract. The Great Healer is the only One to fix our damaged souls. I know this struggle has a purpose. I know I will be healthier cause I am healthier today than I was yesterday or last week or last month or last year. The infidelity/divorce is bringing new things for me to discover and learn. I wish soon that I could coast a little through life and be the giver of help instead of the receiver.

While waiting for Crazy Time, I am reading Women Who Love Too Much and it is definitely bringing some of my pain to the surface. PTL>>>>>> Exposing the pain eventually minimizes it. It also clarifies the way to get away from it.

I will be praying for you both, too.

TW </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tossed ~ I'm picking up on something here I want to follow up on for you. Tired. Depressed. Now I'm not your "Mom" hehehe, but I'm really into healthful living cause it gives incredible stamina and depression prevention.

So, here are 4 simple questions to ask yourself.

1) Are you getting enough rest? Americans are by & large sleep deprived. We need 7-9 hrs a night without exception. Best sleep is before midnight. When do you go to bed?

2) Do you drink enough pure water? You need a good 8 glasses a day for your body "engine" to function correctly. Think of it as energy fuel -- I'm not kidding.

3) Do you walk every day? 30 minutes minimum of moderate pace will create seratonin (depression medicine) especially if in the sunlight.

4) Obviously, the most important is a consistent prayer life. Talk with God. I get out of bed on my knees each morning. I end with Him each night, and speak with Him many times in between.

You may already be doing all of the above, but dear Tossed, if not you can revolutionize your life with these simple healthy practises.

Consider anti-depression herbs (Sam-E; St. Johns Wort) as well.

May the God of all comfort be beside you today,
High Flight

HF---thanks for the "mommy" advise. I understand the value of taking care of myself since I was very ill 10 years ago with burn out and food allergies. I walk, swim and use an exercise bike but unfortunately, I am over 50 and when I usually get on these boards, it is at night. My energy is gone for the day by then.....

I find that I get depressed for a reason. I have seen God use depression in my life as an engine light is used on a car. He is just letting me know something needs to be worked on. I do not stay chronically depressed and it is not a chemical imbalance but it does keep me from enjoying life which is unlike me. I can get excited watching grass grow.

I am amazed at how God is speaking to me through the book Women Who Love Too Much.... It is like a megaphone right now speaking reality to me. Basically, it is saying that if I am not giving my all to a sick person (most of my close relationships were alcoholic) then I feel unneeded and unable to live. It is saying so many more things but I am seeing how I have been obsessed with my WH and his emotional unavailability to me. I always figured if I could love him more and do more for him, he would eventually love me back. HE CANNOT DO THAT---he is an alcoholic. This book is just what the Doctor ordered. It will be my catalyst for the next step in my life----I KNOW it!!!

Anyway--I had a wonderful day, today. Had lunch with a friend who is a Christian counselor and we spent the whole afternoon at a beautiful historic site just sitting in the grass, talking and sharing our lives.

How are you doing? Anything different with your WW? How is she doing? You never speak about your sons.....how are they? Who do they stay with when you go on flights?

Laura----your must have the gift of healing. So glad that God used you in that way with those people. thanks for the prayers.

TW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong> HF---thanks for the "mommy" advise. I understand the value of taking care of myself since I was very ill 10 years ago with burn out and food allergies. I walk, swim and use an exercise bike but unfortunately, I am over 50 and when I usually get on these boards, it is at night. My energy is gone for the day by then.....

I find that I get depressed for a reason. I have seen God use depression in my life as an engine light is used on a car. He is just letting me know something needs to be worked on. I do not stay chronically depressed and it is not a chemical imbalance but it does keep me from enjoying life which is unlike me. I can get excited watching grass grow.

I am amazed at how God is speaking to me through the book Women Who Love Too Much.... It is like a megaphone right now speaking reality to me. Basically, it is saying that if I am not giving my all to a sick person (most of my close relationships were alcoholic) then I feel unneeded and unable to live. It is saying so many more things but I am seeing how I have been obsessed with my WH and his emotional unavailability to me. I always figured if I could love him more and do more for him, he would eventually love me back. HE CANNOT DO THAT---he is an alcoholic. This book is just what the Doctor ordered. It will be my catalyst for the next step in my life----I KNOW it!!!

Anyway--I had a wonderful day, today. Had lunch with a friend who is a Christian counselor and we spent the whole afternoon at a beautiful historic site just sitting in the grass, talking and sharing our lives.

How are you doing? Anything different with your WW? How is she doing? You never speak about your sons.....how are they? Who do they stay with when you go on flights?

Laura----your must have the gift of healing. So glad that God used you in that way with those people. thanks for the prayers.

TW </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good to hear you're in a "better place" TW. My Ex-W is sick with pneumonia. She's barely coping with life. I feel very sad for her, but there's not much I can do. I'm torn with trying to distance myself after the divorce, vs being compassionate & helping which is my normal nature.

High Flight

Hi HighFlight,

Sorry to hear that your XW, or STBXW?, is ill. You are, I can tell, a very giving, actively-caring, and compassionate soul. You take care of yourself, now, too, OK? Even as you care for others. I have been praying for you.

A good friend of mine has this saying of harmony and balance, "Take care of yourself and walk in love".

Remember what Dr. Harley says?... about the balance of giver and taker?

Well, if we so take care of ourselves that we don't walk in love... that's not the right harmony and balance.

If we so "walk in love" that we don't take care of ourselves... that's not the right harmony and balance.

But when we have an internal POJA between take care of yourself and walk in love... that's the right harmony and balance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So you take care of you, HighFlight! Even as you walk in love.

You're a blessing to me,

Laura

HF---I can relate to what you are experiencing. My WH was just admitted to the hospital last Saturday for a broken leg. He has been a paraplegic for over 20 yrs(from drunk driving accident) so a broken leg is a little more complicated for him than for an able bodied person. Well all my giving, caring, obsessive ways kicked in. I was "ready" to go the extra, extra, extra mile to help him. I started with the obsession that he needed me. Well, I went to the hospital for a visit and did not even get to talk to him hardly. All his buddies were there and our son. I was drained when I finally left. Then my son called at midnight to tell me his dad was having surgery and I lost about 4 hours of sleep worrying(have lost so much sleep cause of WH) BUT the book I am reading helped me so much and it's timing can only be God working.

Because I do not live to fix, help and make WH's life easier, I decided not to be involved any more. I do not need to be pulled into something I do not have to cause of a sense of wanting to be needed. I also felt so much conflict as to what my part was in all this----do I help him as I did in the past---do I let my son carry the burden of decision making and whatever to assist his dad? It really stirred up turmoil in me. I realized that he had his own network of help and concerned people and if there was things to do, let OW do them......It is his choice to have a GF and I cannot protect my son from exposure to her. I really wanted to do that. so all in all, I feel like I am getting free-er and free-er everyday cause I am realizing how I sickly let my WH's problems be mine to solve.

Sorry to hear that you are being pulled into places you should not have to go. Your WW has made some detrimental choices to her emotional, spiritual and physical health and there are consequences to what we do. Try not to "protect" her from suffering the needed consequences of her actions. She may need to bottom out and you do not want to circumvent the lessons to be learned.
Does she have family to help her? Where is OM?

Will be praying for you cause I know the conflict and struggle you are feeling.....

TW