Coming at ya from another lonely hotel room tonight in San Francisco....

I cannot help but put our joint journeys into some perspective here: We are all scattered all about God's World. We have all been exceedingly traumatized by betrayal and divorce, etc. And yet here we all stand...a band of God's dear children, holding onto each other's hands lest any of us fall down and lose our way!!!

Isn't that a precious thought?!?!?

Finally, do you all realize the Company we are in??? Many, many years ago, according to Holy Scripture, 1/3rd of all of God's Angels chose against Him in Divorce! They had had an emotional affair with Lucifer, once the crowning cherub of all Heaven! And off they went, breaking the heart of not only their Creator God, but also the other 2/3rds of their once cherished Angel friends!!

Folks, we are in awesome Company in this quest for healing and recovery! God & His holy Angels will NOT let us down!!! They will all fight for us. For our healing Skydiver! For our wholeness TW / LL / CD / and everyone else who's come here to MB.

BRING ON THE GARDENS!!!!! WE'RE ALL HEADED BACK TO THE GARDEN OF EDEN ONE OF THESE DAYS ANYWAY!!! YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

High Flight

High Flight!

Wow what a revelational heavenly truth and perspective. I never thought of it that way? So true so true. I am blown away!

Divinely AWESOME!

AMEN!

GLORY BE!

I am beginning to understand the bigger picture- Of course it's all about the great cosmic divorce. Hence, God's grief and broken heart! We really are His. Amazing Grace, our cups are so full!

Though we all be scattered, bruised and battered for now. Never forgotten, but soon to be gathered with Him in the clouds!

The tests, choices, lessons and the final destination.

Blessings for sharing! I am deeply touched and I feel so much better!

PS,(And no more scotch for you to-night!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry for hogging the board here-- but I have a most zanny idea.

I actually feel inspired to say with all our post recovery pain and feelings of general isolation, and our longings to be able to connect in persons on a deeper fellowship level.

I wonder if we could conduct on line cyber dinner party right here? Though the miles seperate us all, our Savior holds all ever so near closely to his precious heart.

We could plan a dinner party in several weeks time and plan to meet at mutually suitable time, more or less.

In fact we could brain storm what we would serve, actually post our favorite recipes here on line, to share with one another, plan a entire menu, music, desert, bev, and have grace said on line. Things we are all greatful for.

In real time once decided what our menu is and who's bringing what. Each party actually purchases the actual foods and prepares the exact same thing for that day-- Saturday night. If budget is a concern what ever could be brought on side. Pretend.

Once prepared we can bring our dinner plates, set them next to our computers and chit chat about our experinces going to the market, actual preparation, tastes. Or encourage one another to actually set thier dining room table in a lovely formal setting way.

Yes, we have survived anarchy and now on wards to civility.


And/Or we could prepare the same menu, sort of a pot luck to include, one or two or three extra persons we might know in our area and simply drop off an extra meal to that person in exchange.

We could even discuss the reactions of doing something like that. Sort of a surprise. No left overs allowed.

In some respects we have expended enormous amount of engeries on our xh,xw, stbx and the devastating impact they have had on our lives. We have certainly needed to do so.

However, here we all are at the ground zero stage of rebuilding our lives and share deep common wounds that few in our own circles, worlds or communities truly understand unless those persons have gone through this harsh path.

Perhaps it's time to re-claim and refocus those energies into our own healing and get to know ourselves even better.

We could even host a theme event called our "garden party" or "post blues, we are getting better" or what ever like "good bye blues" "movin on".

Anyone and everyone on the board invited. Can be informal, formal, casual ooops affair, I said that trigger word.

Maybe that word "affair" could be replaced in our minds & transformed to mean something more civil for the good. Really the word is to mean a light hearted meaningful gathering.

Not the depraved unsavory side we have so harsly experinced. Turning what was intended for harm but turning things for the good.

As I brain storm, we could in advance send one another post cards if the occasion warrants.

Always nice touch to receive a card from somewhere's else. Or we could plan dinner and movie.

Discuss some great video, each to see if we could rent it, watch it and discuss it. Think we could all use some good comedy about now!

We could even plan a garden and help each person with ideas about their own environment for next spring or what ever.

Maybe send a seed packet of something, anything like flower, veg, herbs from their area. Perhaps, we could collaborate on planting a herb garden for our kitchens.

Theme perhaps could be " Happiness is truly found in one's own back yard. If you know what I mean!

Or we could celebrate someone up coming birthday or pay tribute to someones annv, so be it. These are just a few ideas that have come to me--

Another thought that comes to mind- Dinner and each briefly sharing about thier own testimony if comfortable. Theme how God found us?

Albeit something so simple like pasta night where we share our favorite sauces and talk about dreams, things we would like to accomplish. Support that person with getting going on their dreams or hobby.

Group theme of each of us researching something about that persons ideal hobby and contributing some information to that person.

Group project of called " love thy neighbor" sharing some info about a special person in their community and what could be done to show them the love of Christ in a small way.

Group project theme could be so simple for us we could all learn to bake bread or inspire one another to spend some time to bake a loaf of bread.

Maybe, the project could include sharing information about where they live, features, highlights about the general location.

Perhaps, going to a website about that area and learning more about the geograghy, culture, etc. Learning edventure.

We could pick on area at a time and do a virtual tour thing asking that person questions.

Getting our minds shifted to dwell on all things that are true, honest, just, of good report and lovely.

Group project sharing a particular bible study series growth track.

I am sure if we were to put our collective heads together as wonderfully as we do in a spirit of fun, cooperation. We could have a blast with all our unused creative energies, generate a dream team.

Everyone's comments appreciated and if everyone thinks I have gone off my rails please let me know that too.

After writing this all down, I feel all good and warm. Connection, can take such multi forms of dimensions.

Would be nice as a goal for one day or short block of time we didn't allow any thoughts, memories, or hurt enter or intrude a healing time just for us.

Since our x's are in another black hole of space we don't have marriages to rebuild per se but we do have lives to rebuild in a good healthy way.

I heard a inspiring quote from the Winston Churchill that gave me a chuckle:

"If your going through hell, keeep going".

Smiles,

Sky Diver----your little community of mom's friends sounds so delightful to escape to. Just the simple things of life to enjoy. May God bless you with these special people.

You have such a delightful imagination. Your virtual parties are so full of visual delights. I am so un-visual but I would be game to try some type of get together. I know others have done that on these boards----The Kingdom of Cadelon (sp?) is one of them. I don't have too much time to spend on computer and am tired at the end of day when I get time on the computer that I don't know how much I could contribute.

Thanks for your prayers. This has been a rough week. There was some real moments of discovery of hard earned freedom from the unsafe M I was in but also conflicting feelings of compassion and anger at the same time. MY STBX had surgery on his shoulder. Being a paraplegic, he is now unable to care for himself. He uses his arms and shoulders to get around. All his care was on my son and my son got real stressed out. Also my mom was all worried about my STBX and how he could not be left alone. In anger, I told my mom to call the OW and let her help him. I did step in to help and give relief to my son. I was involved in some real caregiving to this man that I am trying so hard to disconnect with. I stayed over night on Monday at my former house so that my son could go home and spend time with his wife. Staying in that house was so hard. STBX was very grateful for my help and did not really want me to help. I told my spouse he did not need to be indebted to me for anything that I was helping out for my son's sake. I then spent Tues night talking to God and crying myself to sleep. God did help----He eased my pain and confusion.

I discovered that I never want to go back to life with STBX as it is. It all felt so painfully familiar. I also discovered that I could help STBX without wanting him to change or love me. I helped him cause I believe as a Christian that we are to help others. I do not know whose fault it was that he had no care set up before surgery to anticipate this but in the future my son and I will be a large part of planning his post surgeries. Then stupid me was concerned that he had not eaten all day today so I called after work to see if he wanted something to eat and he said "OW just stopped by and he was eating but thanks for calling." Then he told me all about his update on the home health aide that is coming tomorrow. I am DONE----Someone else (besides my son) can take care of him now.

I want to learn from these frustrating situations so that is what I have prayed God will give me. I am so proud of my son and I did not hestitate to tell him. He did a superb job of caring for his dad. God says to Honor your Father and your Mother and I know God is a smilin on this one.

TW

Sky Diver---forget to comment on your health issues. Wow can I relate. I have underactive thyroid problems, too. Stress does so much damage to the endrocine system. I also have seen a holistic doc and God used him to save my lfe. I also have food allergies which comprised my immune system. I have low energy but am healthier than I have ever been.

Glad the doc is getting to the root of your problems. I will pray for your health to improve so that you can be all that you were made to be.

TW

HighFlight,

Hi. How are you?

Flying would seem to have it's attachment challenges. Do you have bonds with the flight crews - copilots so that you are "working" with people you know pretty well when you fly? Are a small pool of people "rotating"?

Do you call people when you are in a different city to maintain contact with people you know?

Just wondering how it works.

At my work, I work with the same small group of people every day.

I am just going to begin a volleyball league on Monday nights playing on the same team with my 3 sisters. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So I'll have that more regular, weekly, contact of hanging out with my 3 sisters.

My best friend and I talk on the phone about every night.

I want to stop by to see my parents (and my grandmother in the nursing home) more.

I see, or talk to, my children about every day.

All in all, I've "built" a lot of structure into my life of maintaining the same bonds.

To me, it helps to "stabilize" me by having outside attachments that are stable - especially when feeling like "jello" as far as stability on the inside. (Like just after I got divorced.)

I feel like my life, and me on the inside, are stable enough to date.

I've greatly healed from my divorce.

How are you?

How are you structuring your life in relationships with a support group (in addition to us here - and thanks! great idea! we love you!)??

Have a great day!

Fly high!


skydiver,

I'm very near Grand Rapids. I'm not familiar with where your location would be in Canada. How far would it be driving from Grand Rapids? How many miles? How many hours?

I'm pretty busy.

I have to make sure that I monitor what is coming into my life vs. how I am building my life up to make sure I stay strong.

I'd counsel you to do the same - and to put up boundaries and to pull back to a safe distance from those things that hammer at you to break down your walls in which your beautiful garden grows!! (Stress-indicators, stress-producers, stress-sources... be aware of them and monitor what you can effectively do to manage contact with them and to pull back away from their "waves".) Then, of course, increase everything in your life that builds up your wall of protection that is positive built in God's grace and strength - not a "negative" wall - if you know what I mean - but rather, in the positive, a hedge of protection!

I don't have much time to be on the computer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But I'll give you my e-mail address. I would very much like it if you would e-mail to me your address and phone number. I will e-mail back to you my address and phone number. There are some things I could drop in the mail to you that cannot be e-mailed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And I have no idea what it would cost to give you a call - but I want to call you so that we can speak to one another. It's strengthening, I think, to hear the voice of a friend - even more than to see my words in type. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

laura_lee_2@yahoo.com

I want you to get well SOON!! Right away!! Right now!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm not on the computer much - but IM through yahoo allows conversation - dinner party type chatter. I've IM'd with one person - never IM'd with a group.

I can help to be part of your strengthening side as you stand against the stress that is trying to attack you... and strengthen that group venture of a wall in your garden - a hedge of protection.

I'd like to take your hand in friendship to stand with you "against the foe".


Tossed Wave,

Wow. You've really done a lot for the STBXH. You're a great person.

Not too many OW's would try to steal away a paraplegic - or stick with him after he was stricken with the illness.

What is her story?

Me

I'm learning as I go. Dating different people. I can feel where my own "hedge of protection" is weak and how stress can come through weak areas. I figure that by making a practice of trying to walk it out - and pulling back when I see I'm being "buffeted" and experiencing anxiety - I'll be strengthened through dating and practise to have healthy relationships.

That's where I'm at. Stretching, growing, getting stronger in my dating walk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Haven't finished editing my book yet.

My daughter is getting married, tentatively - pending lining up church and reception facility - November 27.

Her fiance is a wonderful boy - very stable - at 20 years old has $20,000 in the bank that he has earned.

They bought a really cute affordable little home on 2.3 acres in my hometown.

Nicole will move into the home, tentatively, mid-October - become settled, etc. - they'll get married, honeymoon - and then live there together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't believe she and this man will ever be divorced. I believe each is marrying the "right person" - half the battle.

Talk to you guys later...

Love you each and all...

Laura

Laura_lee, I am not a good person just a sucker. I am an obsessive rescuer. As a matter of fact this song was running through my mind this past week---"I am Mighty Mouse and I have come to save the day" Honestly, I helped out for my son and there also was a health danger for STBX. I have real guilt and remorse over the fact that my son has greater burden now that his parents are divorcing. That makes me so angry that our dysfunction effects him. He is the only one of our kids that lives in the area so the other son is attentive but unavailable physically. However, I do not regret what I just did this past week.

Not too many OW's would try to steal away a paraplegic - or stick with him after he was stricken with the illness. What is her story?

OW is 29 years old (born the same day as our younger son) and I have asked myself this question endlessly. There is no answer. Who can understand the desires and inclincations of the human heart/soul. My STBX is a charming and kind person who is easy going and remember she is not living in the reality of a relationship with an alcoholic, diabled man. They both live in their own homes and their relationship seems to have obstacles ---Go figure. He mentioned something about his family being one of the obstacles in his dealings with OW. They must have the ideal situation, though.....never having to deal with each other's crap.

Warning----I am really struggling with a bundle of feelings right now. Don't know how to get them sorted out.
I am angry at the OW junk coming into my life again---I am angry at the fact that she goes to "my" house----I am angry that I don't have what I want (marriage, family life, fianancial stability etc)----I am angry that my kids have to suffer. But I seem to have discovered one thing-I blame STBX for my loneliness, my lack of friendships, my aloneness. I really need to discover why I am projecting that on him. I was lonelier when I lived with him.

The combination of things this past week is really bringing something to the surface and something you said in the last post is pointing to something, I think, that is significant. I just read a book, SAFE PEOPLE, also I am taking a Interpersonal Communications course and the current chapters I am reading are all on relationships (friendships and romantic ones). The emphasis on these two books is how important people are in our lives, how to find safe relationships and why we have deficits in relating to others healthfully. You explained that you have 3 sisters, you talk to your kids everyday, and your talk to your best friend everyday. I sometimes wonder if I died if anyone would know it for 3 days. I do not have daily interaction with a loved one ---only coworkers. That is my major struggle right now. I do alot of things---volunteer, lots of casual friendships, wide range of interests but deep, connected relationshps are missing in my life.
It was brought out in the book, SAFE PEOPLE, that when we are lonely, we tend to get involved in doing things as opposed to relational experiences. So lots of activity is not the key but having connecting, relational encounters with others is how we satisfy our relational needs. I am forging new territories just as we all are, and it is difficult to see the way through the haze. I also do not see any others in my world who really want meaninful relationships. Every one seems to want to live to themselves and on the surface of life. Everyone seems to be running to and fro involved in endless, meaningless activity. I always felt that busyness was the biggest tool of Satan to keep people "hungry" and grabbing for "junk food" all the time.

I am trying to continue to see where I fall short of being a Safe Person also. I do struggle endlessly with feeling insignificant but it may be partly my own fault.

Laura---how is the dating coming? Do you find it rewarding relationally or confusing because of past hurt. You have alot of people in your life and you are lucky.

High Flight--you have a special challenge with your job situation. What are you seeing as important in relating to others and getting support? Be careful, cause men deny their relational needs and can go on indefinitely not knowing they are empty for relationship.

It is important to realize, too, that another mate is not the total answer to relationship health. I feel very satisfied when I have daily interaction with people I care about and have activities with people I connect with. It is just not daily or regular. One other struggle is that my best friend died in 1999 so that void is always before me.

Well thanks for "listening"---I have said enough but also feel some relief from the pressure of unresolved conflict. Thanks for understanding

TW

Hi tw,

your post really makes me ponder.

My best friend and I both agree that our mutual friendship has strengthened BOTH of us in ways that would have been much more of a struggle on our own.

I became my best friend's friend by simply listening to her. She really pulled a lot upon me at the beginning. I was just really there for her.

Then, as she began to heal... slowly... slowly... slowly... she began to be there for me.

Now... it's an even-steven friendship.

Now she's being that listening friend to ME... as I begin to date more. She's been divorced as long as me... but has dated more.

Where I was strong and she was weaker and less experienced... she really gained a benefit from me being there.

Strangely enough - now she's there for me in this, my area of weakness and lack of experience.

OK... dating.

NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT!!!!

Would I want ANYONE I was seeing to KNOW that I experience... anxiety about "dating"?

uh-uh.

I refuse to walk in it. I "discipline" myself should I see anxiety beginning to manifest in my behavior.

Then I do what I need to do to increase self-care... reduce the pull or demand for me... and hold things in balance.

I carefully monitor the effect upon me of the level social stimuli with the opposite sex... and change dynamics that prove to induce stress.

Like I said, I practise that dynamic of making sure I stay on top... by becoming aware of what I am doing - what exposure to weak spots I am allowing - the level of stress it is causing... and I adjust my behavior and my boundaries accordingly.

Hope that makes sense.

tw... here's my advice. Read "The Rules".

If you asked me, I'd say that you are constantly in the position of "pursuing" the STBXH (maybe were throughout your relationship, too)... trying... trying... TRYING!!!... to get him (and maybe others) to love you.

It would wipe a person out.

It would escalate to such degree...

that pursuit isn't quite... enough...

one must UP THE ANTE.... and PURSUE!!!!... to the point...

that one must RESCUE!!!... like MIGHTY MOUSE... in pursuit mode.

*************************************************

That's the dynamic I see.

Wanna play by "The Rules"???

You never, never get hurt when you play by the rules. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

*************************************************

I have 2 men, right now, pursuing me.

There's internet. There's dating (some people are married - never mind - cause I just deal with single people) phone lines.

One "advertises"... men respond... the chase is on... and one just walks it out.

I think "The Rules" would save you from all harm... and if you would practise "The Rules"... you'd have healthy relationships.

Personally, dating is just "practise" for me.

I'm practising my boundary lines and my skills in having healthy relationships.

If a relationship becomes "something"... fine... but, personally, it's all about me practising what it takes to have a mutually rewarding relationship with another human being.

I'm in training. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, you have a great day!!

Laura

Laura--your words have hit on something that I think is very important for me to realize. Let me think about it some and let the Lord reveal to me its truth and I will let you know what I have discovered.

Dating----and practicing. Your dating strategy makes a lot of sense. I am curious, though. Do you date unbelievers? I really want to date but I don't think I am ready plus I am still married so I know I cannot yet....

I will look into "The Rules". thanks for the reading tip.

Your assessment of me PURSUING was really perceptive. That was my whole married life and funny thing, I just commented about that on another thread. It was so funny today cause I was sitting on the floor with my guinea pigs. They are so timid and fearful that they do not come to you----you have to snatch them up. the thought came to me that even my encounter with my pets is sick. They run from me and I have to catch them to get any cuddling time. EGADS---

Self-awareness is baffling at times and freedom to love is so illusive for me. But thank God, I am learning.

TW

Blessings Cysters-- Laura Lee and TW--

Wanted to jump on post yesterday but have deeply processing your wonderful posts and processing my deep trauma wave wounds with this up coming sudden wedding of my daughter. I have accumulated a great deal of nervous enegry.

So please excuse me if I am all over the place and scattered. My head is very spacey, and parts of my heart is in quiet mess state of despair. Then I bounce back to normal.

Congratulations Laura on your daughter up coming wedding! How old is your daughter? This young man seems so wonderfully mature. I was greatly encouraged by your healing and confidance.

I am fretting over my daughter repeating my pattern. She is engaged to also a wonderful young man. But I am so unprepared in every which way. Just divorced here in June. My wounds are so raw.

In between helping my daughter with her wedding plans in three weeks, am in a take charge no nonscence mode of cleaning my house and figuring out why my car refuses to start.

My daughter fiance has been so wonderful to help me,remove the muffler, and recharge my battery, but we are both losing our patience as in a few hours it's dead again.

Last week the muffler on my car decided to dislodge itself on the road without falling off, my brakes suddenly have gone, and now my car won't start. Everything happens all at once.

On the up side. First of all thaaannnnnnnnkyou so much for all the committed prayers, concerns and love! Here's my progress report...

Every day I am feeling so much better and stronger. My fragilty is leaving and my strength and engery levels are returning.

I feel almost back to my old self again almost overnight.

From barely being able to lift a box, my energy levels are filling up and noticable in these last several days. I have been able to lift and hauled 50 Lbs bags of apples, onions, and sacks of potatoes into my basement pantry.

My mother and her friend were absolutely stunned as they were trying to unload her car from all the goodies from the farmer market.

I told myself mind over matter, and suddenly surge of power went with it and grabbed these giant sacks with force.

My muscles are getting stronger. I was so happy that I had the strength, engergy and zip to cook up a storm of mile high spinach florentine lasgana, giant pot of beef stew, whipped up my kids favorite clogg your arterities delux potatoe casseroles, stocked the freezer.

Made a giantantic pot full of herbal tea, with cinnamon sticks, slices of fresh ginger, peppercorns, cloves, carrdamons pods. This tea is an absolutely wonder of goodness, comfort, cleansing and healing.

Cleaned and stocked my frig. I had great opera music on and it was wonderful to get lost in the music.

Washed my outside living rooms windows, washed and waxed my kitchen floor, washed all my tile mirrors in the dining room, washed down my entire bathroon, cleaned and organized all my kitchen cupboards.

Yesterday, managed to grit my teeth, as my enegry is coming and going in waves. I scooped up all the dog doo, mowed the entire back yard, washed and cleaned the interior of my car.

In fact I was awake at 5: 00 am yesterday, had terrific surge of energy , took my 2 dogs for a good 1 1/2 walk at 6:30 am, watched a beautiful sunrise, praised God as we walked !

Yeah, God is so wonderful.

My Medical/Holix doctor is awesome he has me on the right thyroid meds, the descicated kind with t3 hormone, calibrated at the right dose, b12 shots that I adminster to myself every second day, and all the vitamins are obviously kicking in.

Am forcing myself to eat mini snacks throughout the day. Partly my problem is that I am seldom hungry and quite content to eat once a day.

Next need to wash all my dining and living room floors, and take a good walk.

As Arnie Swartzenagger says" I"LL be Back"!

I have so much to share and I am going to need everyone to pull my mind and heart back to normal.

Huggs and kisses!

I'm reading all this wonderful insight and personal stories as to how our great God is leading in our lives.

I'm preaching this weekend at our church on the Law of God. I wanted to try out my "Punch Line" on you guys, cause it figures into our sharing here too. Here it is:

YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO HEAR GOD SAY NO...BEFORE GOD IS ABLE TO GIVE YOU A "YES"!

I think many of us here are learning the importance of "NO". Boundaries. Lines. Limits. Appropriateness. "The Rules".

God's Rules are NOT happiness limiters, they are the limits of where happiness ends and misery begins!!

When you step outside of God's Rules, THAT'S where the trouble starts! God knows this, cause He made us. So like the loving awesome Father He is, He shared with us these boundary lines where happiness ends and sin & misery begins.

What do y'all think?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> High Flight

HighFlight---God is leading our lives. That is truly something to rejoice in.

My opinion--- I never have been able to relate to God saying NO. I feel that we say NO to each other. I feel that we have to say NO to ourselves. God lays out the parameters but he doesn't say NO. God says CHOOSE. No to me is just a blind command. God gives us reasoning power and he says "here is the problem, now choose."

This is a tough thought for me right now. I need to give this some more thought---too tired right now to formulate my thoughts. Will try again. Praying that God helps you to rightly divide his Word and to nourish others with it.

TW

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: tossedwave ]</small>

HighFlight,
I need your prayers and insights tonight. I lost my baby today. I was bleeding and they did a sonogram and couldn't find a heartbeat. My baby had tiny little arms and legs and you could tell his head. Tonight I am feeling so empty inside. I know God took my baby for a reason, perhaps he wasn't healthy, but I am struggling. I am wondering why me?? I've lived thru the A, the STD's testing, being told I wasnt' lovable, the terrible words, and the beginning of the D. All the while I took strength from God and my two children. I wanted this baby more than anything. I felt that with my two children any thing could happen to me and I would be fine. I couldn't even tell my WH. I had his mom do it. I know he will feel relief and all I am feeling is a pain so deep. I have never hurt like this. I can't take much more. Why is God testing me?
Please help me understand. I am so lost. I'm struggling tonight.

Coolduck---God is not doing anything to harm you. We live in world that is marred by death, disease, sin, pain. God loves you immensely and he sent Jesus to prove it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you have a Crisis Pregnancy Support Center in your area? Look up CareNet.org on the web. They have great support groups for women who are suffering from the loss of a child from abortion or miscarriage. YOU NEED SUPPORT. You are handling more than you can handle alone.

I will pray for you----I will pray that God will give you hope. The pain will not last forever. It will heal. God will help.....

TW

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Coolduck}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Dear, dear heart. I am sending you trillions of hugs and am praying for you. I am in deep streaming tears and crying along side you.

I am deeply, deeply, deeply, sorry for this unexpected loss of your precious baby, for you and your other children.

My heart aches for you in your sorrow for your suffering under this terrible time of strain.

In my own way I can glimmer back to my memories of almost losing my daughter at 10 days old. I sat in a hospital ward with her having a raging fever for 8 days not knowing what was wrong with her or if she was to be with me anylonger or during her short time, she be escorted back to everlasting glory.

Never the less, every day she lived in my womb, it was a special comfort and blessing. I didn't know how long it would last, or if I would be able to deliver full term.

When we ran into complications later on. I can vividly remember feeling so terribly empty, hollow, stunned, helpless-in sorrow accepted destiny doors which ever way they were to swing. Heaven or earth for my beloved daughter.

There truly are no words, expressions, to even begin to descibe on earth, the deep silent agony of what a mother feels in her broken heart and her empty breast.

It hurts so much but I knew in my broken shattered heart that this was truly God child and His perfect will be done. I found so much comfort in learning-

HE too, gave and lost his only Son. He promises that as we share with Him in suffering we will also share in HIS GLORY!

I developed rheumatic fever and doctors found out I was unexpectedly pregnant advised I abort my child to save my life or be would seriously handicapped. I could not go through with it. My marriage was absolute disaster.A woman body can endure so much.

You poor dear you have been through so much! Where are you now? Are you in hospital? Please let me know?

TW is so right you need support care asap. Simply too, much to forbear on your own. Do you have family near you? You need so much comfort and compassion.

There is nothing you have done to bring this on. You are not unlovable or a failure. You are a beautiful woman, wonderful mother and a great wife. You are not to blame, or unworthy. Your emotions right at this moment might be a tidal wave suggesting otherwise.

Please, please let me know how you are today, where you are and what I could do?

GOD LOVES YOU VERY MUCH, YOUR CHILD AND YOUR OTHER CHILDREN VERY MUCH.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by coolduck:
<strong> HighFlight,
I need your prayers and insights tonight. I lost my baby today. ... I've lived thru the A, the STD's testing, being told I wasnt' lovable, the terrible words, and the beginning of the D. ...I can't take much more. Why is God testing me?
Please help me understand. I am so lost. I'm struggling tonight. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do indeed have my prayers - I am at a real loss for words of wisdom, and can only offer words of love and support, I'm afraid. Try to hang in there - and know that everyone on this list will be pulling for you. I know, sometimes the faceless, voiceless folks out there in the ether are hard to connect with when what we need is physical hugs. Just pretent they are all coming your way anyway, and feel the squeeze.

Dear coolduck,

I very rarely get the chance to read, let alone post, but something led me here today. I know EXACTLY how you feel because this happened to me, at just about the same place in the recovery of my first marriage. I won't bore you with the details, just know they pretty much mirror yours.

Your baby is safe in the arms of God now, and as I write this I am welled up with tears myself... and I'm at work on a public computer... AND... my miscarriage happened nearly 15 years ago besides... I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

The pain is fresh right now... it will lesson... but your precious baby will always be somewhere in your heart and mind... and THAT'S OKAY. Life is precious, and I too believe that God allows things like this to happen for reasons unknown.

God bless you... and your precious wee one... both of you (and your children) are in my prayers as well.

Thank you all so much. I felt all your hugs and support. I am so scattered and in a deep fog please bear with me tonight.

First I am not in the hospital. They let me pass the baby on my own. It was the most emotionally painful experience that I have ever had. I guess I was too numb to even realize it was coming. I was totally alone.

I have a great support system. I have a super counsler. I have the most wonderful friends and my family is within minutes. However evenings are the worst. I put my DD to bed and I wonder thru the house. I used to sit on the couch with my hands on my belly and feel a sense of peace. Now I only feel emptiness. The baby, although a surprise, became a center of my life. I got strong because my DD and new baby needed structure. I realized that I wanted a home filled with love. I had to get my act together I was going to have a new baby to deal with alone. So I said to WH "OW or ME". Couldn't decide- so I said D. I had enough. He asked for more time, but I had already given him 4 chances. All I asked for was the NC letter in my case a phone call. Long story short - wouldn't do it, so I filed. Perhaps I would of given him longer if I wasn't so worried about my new baby and where I was going to be in 9 1/2 months. I have so many doubts now. My baby gave me strength.

WH spent the day with DD and I yesterday and part of the morning today. He doesn't say a whole lot. I wanted him to hold me and tell me how sorry he was. All I got was a shoulder rub and over and over he asked what he could do for me. WH is playing the game that since I filed I must really want the D. I told him that I love him, but I didn't have it in me anymore that I was hoping that before all was done that he would start fighting for me. I have got nothing.

I am feeling so low. I wouldn't be surviving and getting out of bed if it wasn't for my DD. It hurts so much that WH is still lost when I need him the most. I want my baby, I want my H, I want my M and I can't have any of it. I feel lost each time WH leaves. I didn't feel that way when I was pregnant.

I'm scared that I might never get to have another baby. I loved being pregnant and I love being a mom. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I feel this renewed wanting to fight for my H, but he doesn't care to fight for me. I wonder if it is even right. Sometimes I think I am better off without him. I think maybe I am just afraid of losing everything that I hold dear. I hope that it is just hormones and grief and I can think clearly in a few days. I just know that I miss my H. And I feel so lost and empty and sad. I'm not even finding peace in God as I once did.

Coolduck ~ Oh I am just filled with so many tears hearing this news! I have been flying ever so much and hadn't even been able to log on here. I'm extremely sorry for the delay of even a single minute.

Isn't it wonderful to know that when another human being cannot be there for us -- that is NEVER true of our God. "I will NEVER leave you, nor forsake you" -- Jesus Christ!

Let me say that I want to write more to you tonight on this. I'm leaving on another trip today & must get ready. I will be in prayer throughout this entire day even though this happened a few days back.

First, of all people, even being a man, I can empathize. I lost my first child too. A precious little girl I called Sade. Complications during a premature birth. The doctors made many mistakes. She was born beautiful and complete. But brain injured from lack of O2 because of poor medical care. This forced me and her mom to have to make a fateful decision 24 hours later. Pull the plug on her life support. It was about the hardest decision I ever had to make....

Then I had to bury her myself, digging the little grave high in the mountains of NC at a very special place called Craddle of the Forestry. To this day (17 years later) I still love her, think of her, pray about her as I fly high overhead on many of my trips into the Northeast.

So I will share with you from my heart later on. I surely feel your pain - yours is a special pain. You were her mother. She was inside of you.

God is so close to you right now, if you relax you will feel His everlasting arms holding you my dear sister. Lean in close to Him. Go ahead, LEAN in close. Ask Him straight up your questions! Give it to God just as you feel it! He can take it. He's big enough believe me. Just get it all out before Him.

I'll come back to you I promise!

With tears of love,
High Flight

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: High Flight ]</small>

Coolduck, I've got just a couple of minutes before I go to bed. I have to be at the airport at 5:45 AM in the morning. 7 legs tomorrow, so I'll be brief.

Here's what God shared with me for you today:

"I will never leave you, nor forsake you." Jesus

God promises he will never allow us to be tempted nor tried above what we are able to bear, but will with the trial provide a way to escape! 1 Corinthians 10:13

God knows, feels, and understands the exact pain you are in right now! He's been there too. He lost His only Son!!

Right now we see only darkness...but one day soon, the light is coming!! God will reveal all the reasons "WHY"!!!

We're all here for you my dear friend. Be strong! You can get through this. I did, you can too.

(((((Coolduck))))) HUGS!!!

High Flight