OK, I have to admit that reading these posts is helpful for me, I think. You see, I fell in love with a good married friend of mine (of 28 years)...who also happened to be my wife's best (now ex) friend. Everything came out in the open 2 1/2 years ago. She and I read Harley's book in an effort to figure out what was going on. We could relate to so much of it. We knew we had to end our romantic relationship, which was primarly through letter writing and phone calls. We were deeply in love. <p>My wife of 27 years and I have been involved in weekly couples counseling since then. We have read Harley's book as well. We have also ended all contacts with my friend-"soulmate". (I know, this sounds like a textbook case right from the pages of Harley's books!).<p>Well, thoughout these last 2 1/2 years of marriage "work", it's been mostly exposed hurts and lots of listening. It was also brought to my attention that I may suffer from a "love addiction". I have been drawn to a number of females outside of my marriage over the years. Usually involved great recreational friendships.<p>For 6 months now I have been reading a lot on the topic of love addictions. Most of what I have/am reading is Patrick Carnes work. Am also participating in on-line forums on love addiction. In addition to my weekly couples counseling, I have begun seeing an "addictions therapist" at my HMO. Attendance at a 12-step program is happending too.<p>Alrighty, now here's my dilemma...<p>Much of what I am reading/hearing about love addiction seems to apply to me. AND...just about everything I read in Harley's books and on these forums concerning marriage/affairs seem to apply to me too!<p>Either I am gaining more clarity or I am getting more confused by all this. I can't tell! I want to be doing the right thing. Recovery from the "addiction" part seems so overwhelming and all-encompassing! Healing from the "affair" part seems overbearing as well! At this point I can see personal progress with the addiction. Much more understanding and ah-ha's with it than with the affair survival. I can see myself getting better on a personal level, but any movement within the marriage is slow and painful for me. I wonder how long I can endure everything. Life has not been very enjoyabe for me for a loooooong time.<p>Am I at a conflicting crossroads or is this a common thing to be confronted by both problems at the same time? Can healing for both happen concurrently? Can anyone relate to this phase of development that I am going through? Any perspective? HELP!! Thank you!

JourneyMan - <p>Hello and welcome! You are definitely on a journey, aren't you!? <p>I wanted to suggest that you post this in the recovery area as well as here, in order to get more responses. This topic is not very active. <p>About your situation, I don't have any advice, other than to say it is so important to focus on the personal improvement. As you make progress there, I truly believe that the relationship should improve. Ideally, if you and your W could be following a plan like the Harley's you can both be working toward the goal of improving the marriage. <p>Have you and your W completed the EN questionairres, done counseling together? Where does your W stand in this situation. Post these things in the other forum, and I bet you will be on your way to great feedback. <p>Let me say that I am impressed that you are taking this crisis as an opportunity to work on yourself!! That is what I see as the most difficult/rewarding/marriage enriching work that a WS can do. I honestly believe that if you are taking care of yourself (fixing YOU) your marriage can't help but improve if you have a willing, forgiving partner. <p>I'm glad you came here - keep posting, and good luck to you.<p>B

Thanks B,<p>Right now my main problem is that I am not sure how this forum is organized! How do I decide "where" to post things? Are the categories on the left side of the screen the "topical categories" of the forums?<p>JourneyMan

JourneyMan - Yes, Scroll down to the "recovery" topic and cut and paste your stuff into a new thread. Hope you hang around here for a while. Have you read all the articles and basic concept goodies here?