After 13 years together and 10 years of marriage, I told W that that I can no longer live with her emotional roller coaster. I asked her to leave after a couple of weeks of her binge drinking with single girlfriends. Now she is staying at a friends condo and says she's getting an apartment with her 23 and 21 year old sons, who are currently still living in our house with me and our 8 year old son. We've never taken any formal approach to maintaining/building our marriage. I found marriage builders while searching the web looking for some divorce support. After reading much of the info on this site, I have come to realize how little effort I/we have put into OUR relationship. So, I recommended this site to W and have told her that I would like to try counseling in combination with an enthusiastic attempt to re-build our marriage. She says that she needs some time to sort out herself but I'm afraid that being apart will add to the emotional separation. There have never been any infidelity issues in our marriage, but she does tend to be somewhat impulsive and I fear that someone for her to lean on may come along. It's only been 8 days now, and our 8 year old has been dealing with it all suprisingly well, because he "knows" that she is going to come back. The issues have piled up so high over the last 13 years and I've come to realize that most of my behavior has been the result of (and has in turn fostered in my wife) a lot of resentment. I think that the basic foundations that Dr. Harley presents could work wonders for our relationship. Now I just have to figure out how to implement the concepts, with W leaning (or running) towards "formal" separation. How do I welcome her back into our home without pushing her away???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I welcome her back into our home without pushing her away??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has to want to come back. You cannot convince her to come back in any other way than by showing her the best person that you can be.

You need to make yourself desireable to her so she wants to come back.

The only way that you can do that is to continue reading and learning and work on becoming a better person for yourself.

Thank You WishIWereHome,

I do understand that W must make her own concience decision to return home. I am having a tough time dealing with it all, but I know that I must do everything I can to be the best me that I can. I have admitted that the level of resentment that has built up in me and I am trying to resolve these issues. For the last 13 Years, I have worked my butt off to provide a good home for my family. I have always worked full time, done at least 80 percent of the shopping and laundry, and 100 percent of the cooking, house cleaning, yard work, vehicle repair, important paperwork such as insurance and income taxes, and just about anything else you can think of. I have been a very active father to our 8 year old. W has done a great job working as a bartender and waitress, but around the home, she has consistently decreased her contributions over the last 10 years. She has gone through spurts where she tries really hard, but then she lapses back in to varied states of depression. I always thought that I was a supportive husband and until 10 days ago, W always referred to me as her best friend. I understand that her frequent lapsing into unproductive states for long periods of time (six, eight, ten weeks) made me feel like I had to do more and more to keep our heads above water, and that made me continuously more resentful. My behavior, which was never malicious or cruel, but was confrontational and probably condescending, pushed W away to the point where we are today.

HOWEVER,
I don't understand how she can distance herself from our relationship and OUR 8 year old son, while leaving HER 21 and 23 year old sons living in the house with me, and think that she's going to grow emotionally and spiritually. Maybe its just the space that she needs, and I've told her that I understand and respect those needs. I just hope that the amount of space that she needs doesn't prevent her from seeing that the love that we share(d) can grow again, with alot of hard work.

She says "I love you, but I'm not in LOVE with you anymore, and therefore the relationship is over". That line alone has turned this kind, compassionate, hard working guy into a crying baby, who's not sure he can face the world each day. But I've got to be an excellent example for our 8 year old, so I pull my self together, dry my eyes off, and get down to being the best Dad I can be.


A LARGE storm has arrived in my life. I intend to act with dignity, thought, compassion, and good will. My behavior and actions will be geared toward bringing out the best in those humans that I interact with.

Thanks for listening,

Just a guy

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: justaguyinct ]</small>

Just a guy,

I know how you feel. I was there 6 months ago. I can tell you that as you work on yourself you will start to see that things can be better and will be. It does get easier with time.

I sugest you read all you can here about Plan A. Learn all you can about meeting EN's and avoiding LB's. MAke a better person out of yourself.

A good plan A is the best way for you to avoid pushing her further away.

You do not want to be a needy "Crying baby" in her eyes. You need to be a strong, self confident individual that is going to make it through this.

WIWH