I just discovered that the supposed calling card that my wife bought so she could call her mother from work has been used to call the OM this whole month. I confronted her that I have the info and she simply hung up on me! Called back , son answered and she said she was busy..I told him to tell her to get on the phone or now. she got on and said she would call me back. Has yet to do so. Just last month I had called the OM and emphatically told him to stay away from my family. What to do? I am so pissed off. Thanks goodness I am on Wellbutrin. I once again thought we were on track towardfs recovery, she even initaited relations yesterdayb morning, and I come to find out she called the OM the day before and after. She has been telling me I am so handsome and she loves me etc. I feel like a fool. I feel like running away, but cannot abandone the children. Help me please...Plan B in thesame house? how do I do that? cannot afford to set up residences in two places? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Do you have a counselor? If so, call them now to set up an appointment.
Yes, people can Plan B in the same house.
Many people live like roommates in the house for many years.
Reread the Lovebusters and other items on the website to prepare for when you see her tonight.

There is nothing you can do right now other than to deal with your own feelings.

HO,
{{{{{{{HO}}}}}}}

I think you could live separately in the house. But that’s not Plan B, and that situation is not likely to bring your wife back to you. It will give you time to prepare financially and emotionally for divorce. But so far, that’s not what you seem to want.

What led you to believe you were headed for recovery? SF? From what I understand of your situation SF is not withheld even when she’s been in contact with OM. And I thought you said you weren’t going to sleep with her any more. Was I mistaken?

So what else changed?

Let’s think about options here.
In house separation – what would this look like? How would this affect the children?
Plan B with drastic financial sacrifices – you leave or she leaves, or you both leave and move to cheaper accommodations.
A Controlled Separation as designed by Lee Raffel. (Get her book Should I Stay or Should I Go? How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage.)
Maintaining the status quo

I’d like to toss out a suggestion. Instead of assuming that you are on the road to recovery, assume that she’s still in contact with all OM. Assume that she’s having EAs until proven otherwise, and don’t bother to snoop any more.

I’d also suggest that for the time being you give her as little information as possible. So when you talk to her, simply say you know she’s lied and that she’s still involved with OM. And that you are considering the options for dealing with this intolerable situation.

And don’t say another word to her on the subject for a while. And don’t be alone in a room with her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HumbleOne:
<strong> I just discovered that the supposed calling card that my wife bought so she could call her mother from work has been used to call the OM this whole month. I confronted her that I have the info and she simply hung up on me! Called back , son answered and she said she was busy..I told him to tell her to get on the phone or now. she got on and said she would call me back. Has yet to do so. Just last month I had called the OM and emphatically told him to stay away from my family. What to do? I am so pissed off. Thanks goodness I am on Wellbutrin. I once again thought we were on track towardfs recovery, she even initaited relations yesterdayb morning, and I come to find out she called the OM the day before and after. She has been telling me I am so handsome and she loves me etc. I feel like a fool. I feel like running away, but cannot abandone the children. Help me please...Plan B in thesame house? how do I do that? cannot afford to set up residences in two places? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so very sorry this is going on for you.

Does OM have a spouse? If so, have you blown the whistle with them? Now is the time to "let the sunshine in".

I'm in favor of what Greengables is saying.

Also, recognize there are going to be setbacks in this war to save your family. Just expect them, OK?

Work on yourself. Your reactions. Your refusing to take her "bait". Keep the LB gone!

God be with you,
High Flight

Thank you for the replys,
GG, I assumed we were on the road to recovery as she told me she made some mistakes and deeply regrets those and she was sorry. Yes then came SF shortly. I guess I opened myself up again for heartbreak. I love her so much I have bent over backwards to make things work. I am Sooooooooo devastated. I did tell her on the phone I have all the times she called him and for how long. How can a woman tell her husband how hndsome he is and whisper I love you so much during lovemaking , turn around and call the Om the next day? Is she playing me for a sugar daddy, someone to meet her financial needs and domestic support (which I now do 97% of the household duties while she sleeps to get ready for third shift so she can call her boyfriend?) I flat out asked her how come she broke the agreement of NC? She said she called him to find out if there was any medical concerns regarding the boy twin. I answered then that call should have been made with my knowledge Can we say honesty? Then I asked her why there were over an hours woth of call to him throughout the month? She said he was concerned about the bot and wanted to be kept up to date on the situtation. I say BS? That does not fly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She then went on to say they were just Bs'ing. and Said Look I amnot kissing him...I am not sleeping with him? Like that is supposed to make me feel better. Before I hung up I told her that doesnt she realize what a piece of work this guy is , not paying child support ( I never demanded it as she agreed to keep him out of our lives if I would raise the twins), but if he was such a person of high moral values then he would have fought for his right to raise and see his children. No..let some other man do it ans let him deal with all the stress and issues regarding raising the kids, then just pop up some day and say oh by the way I am your real father? I asked the wife if she was planning some sort of rodezvous with him later after she has gotten what she wants from me? There is absolutely NO trust left right now and I am heartbroken and angry at myself to think she was genuine. How could a woman do this? I get up try agian and she knocks me down. I don't know how to deal with going home tonight? Any suggestions, GG I will try not to be in the same room as her alone.. Do not really want to get into any discussions either as I am afraid I will say something I really do not mean at the moment. I just cannot think straight. How do I deal with her? Plus, earlier this morning before I uncovered the phone calls she was all nice saying hi sweety etc. Makes my stomach turn thinking about it. I mean how do people who adopt children that have no acess to the Bio parents medical history deal with surgeries etc? She thinks I am soooo stupid, but I consider myself a fairly intellegent man. I just want to loved wholeheartedly, not told lies to make me think so. What do I do tonight?

i'm sorry for what you are going through and don't have much to say other than relate this chinese proverb

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

prayers to you.

check out ark's post under general questions about calling all BS's. It will make you realize that you are still a worthy person and do not deserve this.

check out ark's post under general questions about calling all BS's. It will make you realize that you are still a worthy person and do not deserve this.

HO, check out this link http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/pages/4/index.htm, which explains why the protection phase won't work to save the marriage if it's done in house.

I'm going to be going into a meeting soon.

HO,
I think she feels love for you. But, she doesn’t demonstrate care for you. I also think she’s self-absorbed and doesn’t understand what’s at risk. She’s not lying to you when she says she loves you and you’re handsome. Unless it’s the ecstasy of sexual excitement talking.

Anyway, if you love her, if you care for her, if you care what happens to your children, if you care what happens to your relationship with your wife, you need to move into a real Plan B now.

Do either of you have friends or relatives nearby? Like within an hour’s drive?

You could write a Plan B letter suggesting she leave. If she doesn’t, you do. But only after you get your attorney to draw up a little agreement in which she acknowledges that you are leaving her, but not abandoning the children nor the property. You might want to have your lawyer throw in something about child visitation.

Look, I didn’t realize until it was too late that by not leaving I was acting in a more harmful selfish way, and hurting my husband more than if I had stayed.

And the monetary cost of Plan B versus divorce versus incarceration versus insanity versus the long-term psychiatric treatment for the kids is miniscule.

Let’s get creative and figure out how to get you out of there, and give your wife the wake up call she’s desperately needed for the last six years!

HO-

A friend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> directed me to your post. I am sorry you are experiencing this pain. One reason the friend directed me to your most recent post is because I suffered similar experiences with phone cards, deception, lies, all while being told that we were working on recovery.

Could I make a request of you? I don't get to spend as much time over here on MB as I once did. I'm much more involved on another board and would encourage you to post your questions and concerns there. I don't mean to give you a run around but I do think this site will also be benefical for you and your marriage, especially if you are willing to put in the work needed to repair the marriage. The site is the forum for SaveYourMarriageCentral:
http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/

Keep in mind that no board can replace the help you can receive from a professional, either from MB staff or the coaches at SYMC.

Good luck. I know your heart is being torn apart.

HoFS

You can ignore my advice since others may have better advice for ya.

Here is how I feel however. She had the OM's twins!!?? WHILE STILL MARRIED TO YOU? And you are stuck raising them and putting up with her??!!

Get a good attorney and put "her and the twins" on the next plane out. Send 'em over to the other man. Dump her like yesterday's garbage man. She is BAAAAAAAD news, I fear. She is still being untruthful and seeing and talking to the OM.

(Next she will come to you and say she is pregnant with triplets from yet another man!)

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

BABA!!!!

Okay, just imagine the twins aren't human, but feline. And suddenly one of their humans ships them off to parts unknown and into the keeping of a strange new human.

Now, would you recommend that?

You wouldn't?

For all intents and purposes, including Child Support, the twins are his.

Personally, I think HO should keep the All the kids and lose the mother. But for some reason, HO loves her. So....

I hear ya, Anne. But SHE is the real "HO", not him!

HO, since I don't know your whole story. How many kids do you hav in total?

HumbleOne &#8211; I know this is long and My heart goes out to you. I really feel your pain. I have responded to you in the past during your ordeal. You are really at a crossroad of decisions, not for the sake of your marriage working out, but for your mental and physical health, the stress of it all. You have now been dragged through the dirt like a low life animal and somewhere you got to put on the brakes and put an end to this madness lest you be destroyed. I&#8217;m Not saying stop plan A or B or whatever you are working on, but you are at a point that you can&#8217;t sit back and do nothing.

What I am saying, is this. I know you love your wife, I know you love your kids. However it takes 2 faithful people to have a (Marriage). I have experienced the multiple times of betrayals and affairs with my exww, chased off OM, etc.. so I know how you feel.

I tried to hang on myself through all the affairs but found it was impossible and emotionally damaging in so much I would have been NO use to no one. It was so bad for me that I couldn&#8217;t emotionally hold a job, now that&#8217;s bad.

I want to recap so you know where I&#8217;m coming from. In previous messages you posted over 2 years ago you said:

1. You have 4 kids, 2 yours and W&#8217;s, 2 (twins) by OM
2. The twins you raised from birth , should now be about 5 years old?
3. Your 2 bio kids don&#8217;t know, twins are by OM
4. The OM is a convict/murder
5. In 2002 you did or sought to get an medical test for STD&#8217;s because you&#8217;re unsure where WW had been.
6. 2002 your WW had postal mail from OM sent to her girlfriends house and you find out. She also closes a PO Box but then starts using calling cards and other things for contact
7. 2004 Currently your WW don&#8217;t think what she did was a big issue as far as New contact with OM, she has no remorse and regret. She breaks no contact agreement.

I &#8216;m not trying to get in your personal business but you asked for help. Like me I tried to gain my WW back during the affairs, but as one hiding place of secret activity was discovered, such as emails, phone calls, going out, receipts, etc&#8230;. she had another, and another, it was a endless cycle. Finally she moved out and took the kids with her because as she said, it was wrong for me to invade her &#8220; Privacy&#8221;. I was all wrong and had no business &#8220; Tracking Her&#8221; as WS&#8217;s say&#8230;.

One of my biggest failures through it all, was that I was getting emotionally injured trying to protect her and my kids from pain and keep my family together yet I was falling apart, trying to run the house 85/15 and not letting my WW take responsibility in the home. Therefore she got disconnected and detached from the home and duties because I tried to help too much because I was innocently trying to be nice to her and be a family man ( I thought), but all that kindness was only making her a weaker and lazy person. Our roles were out of order. However don&#8217;t get this mixed up with Plan A and Plan B it helps.

Then, I was afraid to face a failed Marriage, too concerned about what everybody thought&#8230;.(How could I be a failure?, I can&#8217;t fail, what will my kids think as they get older, this rolled over and over in my head). We all have our part of the failure of the marriage therefore things are never one sided.


This is just my OPINION as above.

It&#8217;s one thing to have OM in your life because you agreed because of the kids and if you had agreed, OM should be paying child support.

It&#8217;s a whole other issue to have OM in your life against your wishes and now WW is writing love letters to him. She is totally out of control. This is not only damaging to you but will also be to your kids. You can&#8217;t plan B somebody while they&#8217;re in contact with OM/OW.

I&#8217;m sure at this point you feel like the twins are yours and you wouldn&#8217;t ever desert them, however don&#8217;t try to protect her from the pain of a collapse marriage and don&#8217;t be afraid of the word &#8220;Divorce&#8221;. She has tried to do this in the past, don&#8217;t be surprised if it comes up again. Have a plan, Have a plan!!! Don&#8217;t sit in denial&#8230;..

I&#8217;m not saying a DV is going to happen but, I was stupid. Exww had a plan months and months ahead and I was just a puppet on her hand with an ink pen strung along &#8220; Oh because I loved her&#8221;, problem? She was in love with somebody else, and wasn&#8217;t slowing down.

Now, I believe in God and I believe in miracles. However our prayers don&#8217;t always happen according to our plans, yet our prayers are answered faithfully.

Until your WW shows some type of action that, she&#8217;s sorry, write a cut off letter to OM with you present and allow you to send it and go to mailbox together, agree to reading marriage materials and workbooks together or seek counseling&#8230;..If all these things don&#8217;t take place you don&#8217;t have nothing to build on and it will be an endless cycle with her and OM.

I hope I don&#8217;t sound negative or faithless but I&#8217;m trying to be real because I&#8217;ve been there. To date exww still don&#8217;t think the (5) affairs where wrong, she tries to turn it around back on me and say &#8220; Oh you just read into the letters all wrong&#8221; . Example: in letters, emails, etc&#8230; they talked how they missed each other, how they were going to make love in sexual positions, etc&#8230;.Oh, that&#8217;s right I&#8217;m a 3rd grader who can&#8217;t read&#8230;..They are a master of manipulation

Anyway don&#8217;t make any hasty decisions by anything I said, but think before you act and get a wisdom support team. This Marriagebuilders site has great material as you know. Hang in there..