Hi, I am doing much better. I sent the letter to XH to state that he is not allowed in my home. He would not abide to calling me first before because he said he didn't have to, so I had to do this for my peace of mind and my SAFETY. I am moving on, much better now.
I have found myself, more, in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 6 months. I can LAUGH now, and it is actually fun to hear myself LAUGH. I used to be so happy and witty. I am singing songs on the christian station I listen to in my car. Oh what a joy to SING Gods words, (I have a terrible singing voice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). I am doing great in school, did a big project and my presentation Thursday night at school <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .
You all told me to set the boundaries before, many many months before, and I was literally afraid, scared and AFRAID!!! I now realize why I was scared, and am working on not having that over my head. I talked with the counselor and she has me reading a great book, and this has very much helped.
Our whole family is in need of good counseling, and if they want counseling they will have to find it. But if they ask me to help, I will be more than willing to search for a good counselor. NO longer am I going to suggest! I am working on myself now, and finding paths. The kids are really having a hard time, and they do have anger and hostility. They don't like that I have set this no contact with their dad. But they have accepted it and have done VERY WELL! I am proud of their efforts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , and I do thank them. This has been hard for them as well. And I am sure for XH too!
Many issues to deal with still pertaining to the divorce. But they will be addressed in due time.
I have talked to many people in the last 2 weeks. Seems like when one contact has been dropped (MB) for my SAFETY, God presented me with others to talk to. This has been very helpful, and I have found more groups for support. My whole family needs to join a support group. Would be helpful, but they need to want to go, and not be forced. So I am leaving it up to them.
My oldest daughter, is doing much better. There is less conflit here. She no longer wants to do the bathrooms. Fine, I will do them, but she is to do something else in return. I jot down what I want done on paper. For this last job of the bird cage took her 3 days, but it was completed today. I will have to be a little readjusting to time with her. She needs time to heal, she needs time to focus on herself, and she needs time for herself. She is bored, sort of a lonely young woman, and she is now addressing that issue. I am proud that she is getting out and seeking friendship. She is so smart and a very beautiful young woman. She has so much going for her. I know she will succeed in her business. Many people do get side jobs while they are working on their endeavors.
Life is wonderful, and my life is going to be better everyday. The bible I have, has been Gods joy to me. My pastor highly recommended it. And it is like reading a book. Been doing quite a bit of bible reading, with and through friends.
Accomplished quite a bit in the last 2 weeks, and am very PROUD of myself and my kids. I need to give support to my MIL, for she is very depressed. She and I went out to lunch this week, Wednesday. And we talked, and I got her to laugh. We had a great time at lunch, and went shopping to whole foods. A health food store. I bought one item, for I am not able to buy hardly anything there. One day I would like to buy all organic foods, but not in my budget now. Budget is very tight. Oh, yes, I have the elderly lady back to take care of. She is home out of rehab, and doing very well from her stroke. I went to her house and had lunch with her and her daughter from out of state. So that is wonderful, and both her mother and daughter and I hugged. I know they feel very comfortable with me, and I am comfortable with her mother and her daughter. Her daughter and I will talk once a week. Her mother called me a few days ago just to talk, and it was nice. She just wanted to see if I was okay, and I told her, hon, yes, I am doing just fine.
All I can say, is like you all told me over and over, you have to work on yourself. I am, and am finding some paths that are for me. I am sure that I will get on a path that I will get burnt. But that is part of learning. And I still want to protect my children from the burn, but I can't be there for them 24/7. So I am letting them go, and asking what their plans are, and how they are doing. There will be hardships as they grow and find their life. I just want them all to know that I love them so very much, and that God is there for them.
Being a parent is hard, being a parent divorced is really difficult. But you know, this is a turning point to a forward motion that is going to keep moving forward. I have my dreams, always had my dreams that I didn't accomplish. Now I might beable to work towards maybe one of my dreams. Little by little. If I acccomplish more than one, God blessed me.
Just an update. Pray for my family, as they all are in need of Gods help. I love all my kids deep from my heart, And I would give any one of them any part of my body if I could to protect them or help them medically. My 2nd daughter is doing okay with her medical problem. I had her in prayer at my church, and actually 3 other churchs (friends) had her in prayer at their churches. She is moving forward, and I feel she is being guided by the power of God. She has a 90% job acceptance with her degree in Aerospace Engineering. I am so proud and happy for her.
Just many things to read, so much to read. Homework is #1 priority, for I do want to get my degree. Wanted to go back to school for many years, and now I am able to do it with help of the scholarships and CCOP program.
My art class has taken a back seat for now. I enjoy art and enjoy expressing myself. Some of us are more visual to color than others. I talked to my instructor, and she is so understanding. She acknowledged it is just part of the process of putting my priority in school. She is so proud of me and once again, she is a strong christian!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Take care, and I will write once in awhile. God Bless all of you.
