I'm not sure if I'm at the right place. I've had an EMA, I haven't had contact with the OW in over a week. I really don't feel like I want to stay married but can't take the guilt I'm feeling. I feel if I stay in my marriage I'm staying out of guilt. My W and I have read several books and she has been getting help for another web site. I really don't feel like I want to go on in this marriage. Can some give advice or if I'm not in the right place can someone direct me to the righ place.

In a list, 1, 2, 3 - why don't you want to stay married?

In a list it's a little hard but I'll try.

1. 3 years ago I expressed to my W that I was not satisfied with how our marriage was heading. We were to people just living together.
2. she just blew it off at being caught up in life and nothing changed.
3. 2 years ago I sat her down and MADE IT VERY CLEAR to her I was tired of us not having time alone, we hadn’t been out in over 7 years, we never talked about anything other the our 3 kids, he had no more friends cause she kept telling them we couldn’t go over due to being too busy with the kids.
4. My EMA started about 1.5 years ago and DDay #1 was in early Jan and #2 was last week. She want to change now. WHY NOW? WHY NOT WHEN I WANTED TO 3 YEARS AGO?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. 3 years ago I expressed to my W that I was not satisfied with how our marriage was heading. We were to people just living together.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What did YOU do about it to change things?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2. she just blew it off at being caught up in life and nothing changed.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, what did YOU do about it to change things?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 3. 2 years ago I sat her down and MADE IT VERY CLEAR to her I was tired of us not having time alone, we hadn’t been out in over 7 years, we never talked about anything other the our 3 kids, he had no more friends cause she kept telling them we couldn’t go over due to being too busy with the kids.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And what did YOU do about this to change things?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4. My EMA started about 1.5 years ago and DDay #1 was in early Jan and #2 was last week. She want to change now. WHY NOW? WHY NOT WHEN I WANTED TO 3 YEARS AGO? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why NOW? Because it appears that is what you did for 1, 2 and 3.

Marriage is NOT easy. Marriage is probably the HARDEST thing to work on when you have kids, financial responsibilities, job, life, bills, you name it.

What was it that this EMA gave you that you didn't get from your wife?

Have you told your WIFE what you have been telling the OW?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mikecay:
<strong> She wants to change now. WHY NOW? WHY NOT WHEN I WANTED TO 3 YEARS AGO? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I can help answer that:

She wants to change now, because now she believes what you were saying about needing things to change.

Why didn't she "get it" 3 years ago? I don't really know why. I just know the same thing happened to us. I TRIED to tell my xH that things were horrible.....that we weren't "connecting" - and that we weren't living a life as a loving, emotionally connected couple. I didn't use those words, obviously, since I couldn't really pinpoint what our issues were. I didn't know about EN's. I didn't know what a happily M'd couple was supposed to look like!

He used to complain that there wasn't enough s#x. DUH!! If I didn't feel "connected" to him, fer shure there wasn't gonna be any!! But he didn't "get it" any more than I did, we couldn't fix what we couldn't understand was broken. And I stayed emotionally closed off from him that way for all that time, rarely having time for s#x, and not talking to him about what else was wrong, either. He hadn't "heard" me, so why try saying it anymore? We stayed that way for about 6 years..........each of us just sort of "going through the motions" of a M.

Then, one day, along came someone who made him an offer he couldn't refuse.......(althought *I* was the one who should have had an A!)
I'm sure ow made him feel "connected" - and while I truly don't believe it was about the s#x (for reasons I'll not explain here, I just don't believe there was a lot of it in that relationship), I DO believe she made him feel "manly," and "needed" and all the rest. Met his EN's. All the things I DIDN"T GET.

Now, your W realizes what you were trying to say. She realizes that you were truly D-O-N-E with the way the relationship was. People really DO have to be pushed to change things, sometimes.

This is really the crux of what you are asking. "Why now?" Mike, the reason "why now" is b/c before this, she didn't really know you were serious and would take such an earthshaking step. Now that she knows, and sees that what she has done is not going to keep you home, but the M really is "broken" - she herself may also now be "broken" and willing to do whatever it takes to fix it.

Your A rocked your W's world. It turned everything she ever knew or thought about you totally up-side-down. Unfortunately, not in a good, constructive way.

Mike, wwhat you are feeling now is "normal." You have withdrawn (emotionally) from this M. As far as you are concerned, it IS "too little, too late." The good news is: THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE TRUE!! You can have the love, the passion, the emotions and the connectivity back!

But it's hard work. It's usually too hard, and most couples who try to do it on their own don't succeed.

Are you willing to WANT to save your M? Do you want to do it for the sake of keeping the children in a stable two-parent home? Can you put in the hard work and give your M a fighting chance to be everything it was meant to be (and probably never was), but didn't know how?

THIS PLACE CAN HELP! The Harley's can help. Is there any way you can phone in for a counseling session with one of them? The link to do that is at the top of this page........it's well worth it.

If not, at least order and read Surviving an Affair, written by Willard Harley. He is the founder of this site, and the one who originally had all the info to make the discovery that partners in M's have EN's, and without having them met, one or both partners will eventually withdraw from the M and stray.

Please give yourself a chance to fix what is broken. Please give your W a chance to show you she is willing to be the loving W you once loved her for. Please give your children a chance at a stable, loving home w/2 parents they love, instead of shuffling back and forth between two homes, and countless other "strangers" in their lives.

Please start reading the Concepts pages, linked at the top. It will all start to make sense.
Help your family heal, Mike.

God Bless,

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

When the first dday occurred, early Jan/04 we read his needs her needs and Surviving and Affaire. We started doing the EN questionnaire but it was never went anywhere. We kind of floundered. My wife’s idea of resolving a problem is “Ignore it long enough and it’ll go away” I understand all the purpose of finding our EN’s. My wife has never been the one too show a lot of affection in front of the kids. Before the kids were born we always sat on the couch holding each other, talking and often one thing would lead to another and welllll you know. After the kids were born that all changed. I know I know, s#x on the couch is not a good thing with kids around but all signs of affection basically stopped. I realized at that point that in the 7 years we were dating, before getting married, I spent a lot of time at her house and I’ve never seen her parents kiss or hug. &#61516;. About 4 years ago they started sleep in separate beds. I told my wife 3 years ago, when I starting bring all this up, they only way I’ll EVER sleep in another bed is if I move out. I’m mad and really don’t feel like and can try anymore. I was more than will a few years back. I feel like my problems were being ignored, again “ignore it long enough and it’ll go away”.

In reply to elen above

I agree, I have not been treating my wife as I have the OW in the past while. Mind you I did treat my wife the way I treat the OW now. When the kids came it seemed that all y efforts for effection were shot down. they were seen only as a sign to have s#x, yes I know what you're going to say next "Is I haven't met some of her basic needs then all signs of affection, holding and kissing my only seem like me trying to want one thing" it wasn't always the case. May times my signs of effection were shot down cause the kids were around.

I'm sure if I meet her needs then she'll start falling in love with me again but I don't feel if she meets mine I'll fall in love with her. If that is the case, and from what I've been reading, I would fall in love with any woman who meets those need and I don't thinks it's posible to fall in love with just anyone who meets those needs.

I get it, Mike. I really do.....

You're in a tough spot. It seems like it can't get fixed now. Like it's too late. Believe me, it's NOT too late.

Here's another book to try. It's very small, and an easy read, so it might help. The Five Love Languages........helps to identify each other's "love language" - what ways to act that say "I love you" to your mate. Obviously, your W wasn't "hearing" I Love You with cuddling, etc.

Could you possibly seek out counseling from the Harleys? They CAN help you both. Can't you try just a few more months? For your children's sake?

God Bless,

Hi Mike -- The Five Languages of Love is an excellent book. Share it with your wife.

Sounds to me (correct me if I'm wrong) that before the marriage you had intimacy. When you start having a family it's pretty hard to have that same intimacy. There are the kids -- there is also the fact that being with the kids is an exhausting job. You cuddling up to her on the couch, just to *cuddle* could be a clear sign to her that you just want to go all the way instead of just cuddling. You know, there were some nights that all I wanted, was just the cuddle, but if I gave in for just that cuddle, my ex thought it was the green light to put his hands down my pants and fondle me -- therefore I just totally turned myself off from ANY of his advances (just a female's perspective).

Have you actually sat down with her and talked to her about all of this? Have you sat down and said, "You know honey, before we had the kids, we could sit down on the couch and cuddle. Now, since we've had the kids, you don't even want me to touch you. Why is that? What can I do to help us get back that intimacy we had BEFORE the kids? I can't read your mind and I really want to know what's happened?

Communication is the basis of all good relationships. What are you telling this other woman that is so different than what you are telling your wife? What is this other woman saying that turns you on and doesn't make you want to run back to your wife?