Hmm. It seems to me that a lot of different ideas are getting mixed up in this thread.

There is a difference between needing time to heal, and needing space because of one's personal makeup. Healing is (or should be) a temporary matter, but it cannot really be rushed. When one has been burned, so that raw nerves are exposed, a touch that would ordinarily have been welcomed becomes painful instead. Associations are too fresh and intense, and one is always on guard against being hurt - or causing hurt. That kind of emotional tension cannot be sustained.

But some people simply need more private time and personal space than others, and I believe the amount of space required can also vary greatly from one relationship to another. (There are some people I am quite fond of whom I nevertheless find it exhausting to be around for any length of time. My ex-wife, on the other hand, was someone who I could spend nearly all my time with and not feel drained.)

This, in my opinion, is just one factor of many that should be considered when evaluating a potential mate. As lucky7 suggested, "Don't settle for anything less than the best for you." (emphasis added)

I know quite a few wonderful and attractive single women for whom I have very high respect. I have had many crushes on many girls and women over the years. But it is not enough for me to admire and respect a woman. It is not enough for me to feel attracted to her. I must also believe that we are compatible in our values, lifestyle, passions, goals, and personalities. I must believe that we are complementary in synergistic ways, so that we can inspire and revitalize each other, and together be more than we are separately, even as we retain profound appreciation for each other as individuals.

That kind of match is a very rare thing. Far more rare than just meeting someone of high character who might be attracted to me. I believe that for attraction to be deep and lasting enough to sustain a marriage, it should be based on those other less-apparently-romantic considerations, so that I fall in love over and over again based on ever deeper discoveries about the real person, the whole person - not an idealized fantasy.

I like living with myself, and I don't feel a need to be in a romantic relationship. If I can't have it all - if I can't give it all - then I won't have any of it. I'll do just fine on my own.

But, God help me, I want it all.

Thanks Gnome--

You said that all so well.

I understand what you are saying, completely!!

I do wonder though, is there really that such person for each of us.
Someone who makes your heart jump, forver, and that you keep falling in love over, and over again?

I have heard about that, and have certainly seen it on TV, but is there someone like that for everyone???
And if there is, is it possible we would meet them in our lifetime?

I believe this guy would never hurt me. He is totally crazy about me.
As for me, I don't know what I'm missing with him.
And that is the part that makes me feel guilty.

I did express that maybe I should take some time apart from him.
It really hurt him.
I of course backed off then.

I do enjoy his company, and we get along great. We have fun and laugh, and enjoy many of the same interests.
As far as forever, I'm not seeing that deep fall in love over and over thing.
Not at this point in my life anyway.
But, maybe that is where I'm at in my life too.
Maybe I would find fault anywhere, for fear that it wouldn't last forever.

That is the part of ME that I have to find.

Thanks again,
K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Karona:
<strong>I do wonder though, is there really that such person for each of us.
Someone who makes your heart jump, forver, and that you keep falling in love over, and over again?

I have heard about that, and have certainly seen it on TV, but is there someone like that for everyone???
And if there is, is it possible we would meet them in our lifetime?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Obviously, what's on TV should not be taken too seriously, but...these are good questions, and similar to ones I have wrestled with.

I have never believed in the "soulmate" idea that there is one perfect person out there somewhere for me. I believe that love is at least as much as about making a choice as it is about feeling chemistry, and I suspect that if a match is good on an objective level, the chemistry will come if we let it. (That, after all, is a fairly fundamental principle of Harley's concepts.)

Personally, I am extremely picky. In all the time before and during my marriage, I met only one woman whom I believed would be a suitable. Over the years of our marriage I had many opportunities to consider and refine my ideas of what a good match would be for me; and as the difficulties in our marriage grew, it helped immensely that I never found reason to doubt that my wife and I were incredibly well matched. (Despite everything that happened, I still believe that no one could have been a better husband for her than I was.) Just watching her be herself was enough to put significant deposits in my "love bank", so that despite behavior which I believe would have alienated most men long ago, I never stopped being "in love" with her.

After she divorced me, I thought the chances of meeting someone else was virtually nil. Especially since I didn't see how I could possibly marry someone who might come off unfavorably in any comparison with my ex-wife. Marriage is hard, and if I couldn't commit to it wholeheartedly, I had better not commit to it at all.

Imagine how surprised I was when, several months after my ex-wife got her divorce, I met a young lady who was everything I could imagine wanting, and far more. It shocked me to the core, especially since I was by no means "over" my ex-wife. I have spent a year trying to convince myself that she is not perfect for me, and I have failed utterly. There are just two snags... First, she is fifteen years younger than me. Second, she is not interested in being anything other than friends.

If I didn't have faith that God loves me and knows what He is doing, I don't see how I could take the situation as anything other than a cruel joke. As it is, I struggle with questions about whether it is foolish to hope that my friend may change her mind some day, or whether there could be yet a third potential match out there. If God wants me to meet her, I have no doubt that I will, but...there are only a few billion women in the world.

But at least I know two things now. (1) I need to keep my eyes open. (2) There's no way I will "settle for less".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I believe this guy would never hurt me. He is totally crazy about me.
As for me, I don't know what I'm missing with him.
And that is the part that makes me feel guilty.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The young lady I mentioned...there is no way I would ever hurt her (intentionally). I am totally crazy about her. I don't know what she is missing with me. And I do not want her to settle for less" if that's what developing a relationship with me would mean. I want what's best for her.

If that means she needs to take more time to figure out what she really wants, fine. If that means some other guy is better for her, then so be it. But I would hate for her to feel guilty about not reciprocating my attraction.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I did express that maybe I should take some time apart from him.
It really hurt him.
I of course backed off then.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not going to pretend that I am not frustrated with the situation I am in. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not disappointed. But those feelings are my responsibility to deal with, and I do not want my lady friend trying to usurp that responsibility.

My friend has been honest with me. She told me quite bluntly that she did not foresee ever marrying me. She has established some specific boundaries on my interactions with her. And I am grateful to her for all that. It shows that she has the courage not to "lead me on" - which would only have spared my immediate feelings at the cost of greater pain down the road. And it shows respect for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I do enjoy his company, and we get along great. We have fun and laugh, and enjoy many of the same interests.
As far as forever, I'm not seeing that deep fall in love over and over thing.
Not at this point in my life anyway.
But, maybe that is where I'm at in my life too.
Maybe I would find fault anywhere, for fear that it wouldn't last forever.

That is the part of ME that I have to find.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. Don't let the circumstances push you or rush you.

Gnome,


Most interesting, again!

Thanks for the input!

This guy I'm mentioning is 7 yrs younger than me.
He always claims he was born late, as he enjoys the same time frame of my life.

He has been married before, now divorced 6 years, and never had children.

I feel you GnomeDePlume. Good comments. I have been divorced a year. Never thought I would meet someone else when I was going through the pain. Last September I met the woman that I was for sure I was going to marry one day. She is a widow. Had been for 8 months when we met. We dated for 6 months and it was wonderful. Went to the Caribbean together over Christmas. Then around the anniversary of her husbands death, we hit a wall. Never an argument between us, but she still had a bunch of grief holed up inside her and it came out. 3 weeks ago she tells me she doesn't want to date right now. Crushed me...still crushing me...Im walking wounded right now. Fortunately I have a remarkable faith in God that he will get me through it, but I am about as depressed as a man can get right now. Far worse than it was with my ex wife. I can only hope I can find this kind of love again or that my special lady snaps out of her funk and comes back to me...Love stinks

Don't give up on her Lucky7,
she may just be having a hard time.

If your relationship was that special, I believe she will remember that.

Divorce and death I'm sure are very different, but maybe some parts are the same. Maybe she is feeling betrayal for going out, hard to say.

Keep the faith! And do things for yourself so you don't feel the pain as much.
Go to dinner with friends, work out, whatever it is that brings you enjoyment.

I respect you though, for stepping back from her.
I wish (I think) that the guy I'm dating would do the same.
I may find out if he did, that I would be lost without him in my life.

Take care of yourself. I wish you happiness.

K

Thanks Karona for the words of encouragement. I certainly haven't given up on her in my heart, but I am having to be real with myself though. I may never have her back in my life. Only God knows. I haven't called her in a week nor has she called me. She never initiates contact anymore. Very hard on me. Do you really think that she will remember our times together, our trip to Cancun, and how special it was. I can only hope so.

Lucky7,

I think we have to be real with ourselves, or we set ourselves up.
But, yes, I do think she will remember the good times.
I have no idea what she is going through, but it could be guilt. She could be feeling guilty that she is enjoying life right now. Hard to say.

I think she does think of you too.
If she is as great as you say she is, I believe you are also in her heart, but maybe its just an ackward time for her right now.

You are right, only God knows the plans he has for all of us.

Keep your faith.

K

The weekend thing is funny. My doctor is on call one week a month, the rest of the time his partners handle the oncall emergencies.

Have you visited his house? Do you know where he lives?

Hey, be careful.

Justin

Dr and I have talked. Similar to Gnome's situation I am spending time ( a little time - not much) with someone who is holding me at arm's length. Dr. says he sees long term potential but I need a good year of being away from my husband before he will even consider getting serious with me. Fortunately for yay4me I am about 3/4 of the way through that year he thinks I need - so we will see if he and his (excuse) reason for not getting serious (when he has admitted to a deep attraction on all levels) are still around in a few months.

His house - yes. In fact I am selling it for him. He mentioned not liking the location because of his commute to the office, so being the sales gal I am, I offered to handle that problem and he said okay. I am going to his house to list it in 2 weeks. He knows that I may have to show with no notice and he is fine with that. He was more concerned about having to hang his clothes up instead of the usual draping them across the chair when he gets in.