Hi
I suspect my husband having an affair, for his strange behavior, lately, and spending extra-time with his cooworker, that makes even worse, on a volonteering basis. I found strange phone-calls, numbers in his cell, including his ex's number, that he denied, and acused me of being crazy and imagining things.
What is my next step? He is agressive, abusive, and in denial. I am afraid for myself.
How do i proove it, when he is lying to me?
maybe, I am imagining things, but he is late home, lately. Today he came back 5 hour later than he was suppose to. I even doubt that he was all the time teaching English. His lesson is up to an hour.
He is denying it all. When i start asking him about issues, he becomes agressive.
Today, when he came back home, he started first being agressive, asking me if i am going to stay here, and things like that.
I am very sad. I am really thinking of leaving him, even i am an immigrant, and it has been especially hard not having anyone, and not even knowing all legal things. One day, i want to help other women immigrants who are in the same abuseive relationships. And he knows that I am weak, financially and not on my both feet( since he broke my knee, already), and we have a police before intervening him beating me.

Do you have any advices?
He refuses counseling, claiming that i need to get counseled. I would do it, but together. I feel as OK person, depressive a bit, but he has beein torturing me for while now. He is bad for my self-esteem, telling me that i am a pig so on, being very verbally abussive, and as I said-ocasionally he hits me, or put me in a corner possition, where i feel helpless.
I really need help and counseling. I do not want to see him in a jail, especially he is a teacher of a stress reduction techniques, but my young life of 28 is being very treatened here. Do you know more about female immigrants being in abusive relationships? is there anyone i could talk to?
I feel really awfull, he was supossed to "protect me", and now i have to protect myself from him.

Peace
l.

Lena,

Sounds like a difficult situation. Did I understand correctly, your H teaches stress reduction techniques?

Remember, your life is very valuable, so take the steps you need to get out and seek protection. You cannot even begin to consider the relationship or your H until you are safe and the abuse from him has stopped.

Seems to me you have the right instinct here, that you are afraid, so flee to safety.

Tony

lena - I would call First STep. They are a group for battered and abused wives. They will help you with all your needs. Even give you a place to stay without your husband knowing where you are. If he already has a police report, you won't have to worry about getting the help you need.

Flee, get away from this man. He is going to hurt you and now is the time to go.

As far as him having an affair, don't worry about that now, get out of the house now. These men become so enraged with their euphoria of sex with the other woman. He is not going to look out for you. He is not going to look at you with thoughtfulness, he is only looking at you with hate, that you are interfering with his life. Believe me, I know. My XH did the same thing, he looked at me with hate, and told me and the kids to leave and his OW alone. He would of killed me if his eyes could of killed. Leave HON, Leave now. Get out of that house and call First Step. They will actually have the police or someone pick you up if you have no transportation. Go through the phone book and look them up in your area. Or call the police and they will come get you and they have #'s for agencies like First Step or some other agency. I know in my county, First STep is in my police department. But there are other agencies in other counties.

I was so upset about his relationship with this other woman that I threatened to call her and he broke my arm. He was blaming me for the affair and so it was easier for him to be abusive as a result!

Call a local shelter. If he is in fact having an affair, I think your danger of abuse is even greater.

I too had to leave my H b/c of his abuse.

I lived in 2 different women's shelters for over one month, with 3 young boys (at the time, the twins weren't even 2 yrs old, and the older boy was 3 1/2 yrs old). That was in late 2002... we were in a shelter over Christmas actually.

The counsellors there explained that most women need to have trial separations before they are truly ready to leave their abusive partner. Some women can leave on the first try (I have been successful that way), while others may take 20 or more. And of course, others still, stay with their abusers. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Look in your local telephone books, and find numbers for women's shelters. They can help you to create a plan of action. This includes gathering important documents (birth certificates, social security #/s, etc, as well as photo copying some of your H's income stubs, other documentation, etc).

I read through all of your other posts, and it breaks my heart to read what you're going through.

My stbxH is a porn addict too. He has has multiple A's throughout our M, and always made me feel like I was going crazy. He would tell me things, then later say he never said that. He would deny obvious proof of his abuse and infidelity too.

The hardest part is the actual leaving of your husband. It honestly gets easier after you leave him. Your life is in danger as long as you stay. Get out. Now.

You mentioned a credit card debt that your H is hanging over your head, and that's what is making you stay? Who's name is it in? If it's a joint card, the amount owed could be split between the two of you in court. If he's the primary cardholder, it could be all of his debt.

Your credit rating is of little concern right now. Please don't let your H make you think you need him. It's not true. HE is the one who needs YOU. That is VERY typical of an abuser. They need someone to control. If you're not there, they are forced to deal with their own demons... all the more reason to be in a shelter.

Shelters have the means to get you out of the town you are in. Did you know that? You don't have to stay where you are. They offer community start up packages which include getting on geared to income housing, FREE legal representation, resources for jobs, furniture, housing, counselling (legal and emotional), etc.

Please update when you can, so we can know you're okay and have a plan in place.

Karen

p.s. My maternal grandmother's name was Lena. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She was of Ukranien descent. I never met her, as she died before I was born. But I've always had a fondness of that name because of her.

thank you for all your advices, and all are the same-get out.
I am trembling every day. I am going today at my fathers, to talk to him, about eventually staying at his place, where i stayed before, when husb. trew me out or had been very dangerous. He knew where i was, for he was calling there, but still he uses the case to tell me that who know where i really was. he has been acusing me lately of having an affair, when i think he covers his. He changed his profession, and spending more time with his female coorworker, telling me..."it is for our best".
We have a card debt, he is a cardholder. I think it would be fair that i pay just for my own debts, on my name, and not for his because he would keep things anyway.
He would even keep a computer that we have our hobbi together, before he decided to change a profession, that was really like turning a back to me and our plans we have already mad for the future.
Even though It is "his" computer, I was working on it, as we promissed to each other, as soon as he stoped travelling for a money, we'll completely deducate our lives for our hobbi, multimedia and music.
We had just a verbal promiss to each other, did not sign any contracts. So, while he was travelling I completely finished our projects, that are actually all my work, and now he is giving it all up.
Also as you said, he feels that I am not powerfull, he would like me to be like someone who is not just a couple of years in US, but to be fully emancipated.
I have a lot of immigration issues, too, and am very dependable of him, for he was before promissing me we'll do our art together, and now he is making his life separate from mine. I am starting a new job, soon, and i will travell 4 hours daily, and more. If he did not decide to go "separate" ways, I am sure we would make our art projects possible, and live from that.
This way, I feel betrayed, completely, i put in all my knowledge, and before our marriage we both broth many instruments, now still valuable, and invested into computer systems, the best the latest.
So, suddenly, one day, he comes home and tells me that we are putting our art on the side, for he is making a new non profit foundation.
I feel desperate. Do i have a right on my music, and art to take it with myself, even though it is his computer.
Also, it is not fair to control me for being less powerfull than emancipated women that grown up here. Must probably he is just seeing his rich volonteer cooworker, and comparing me to her. She is rich, and travelling a lot. I found also interesting that my future husb's traveel schedulle is the same as her.
But, i still do not have any proofs, though now my eyes and ears are completelly opened, but he also knows that, and he is now attacking me first when he arrives home. For our 3 years anniversary, we went to a park, and cup of cofee. He takes his cooworker to a "bussiness" coffee, too, after treir volonteering job.
For our anniversary, he later on becomed very hostile and abusive, again, about a small thing, a way i inserted a CD in a computer. That is definitelly not a reason. As you sai, he is covering himself, and there must be a bigger reason, and that is the feeling that i am interfearing his life. He probably want's to feel more free, and he does not allow me the same. I do not have a male friends with whom i go on coffee. I think that is not fair.
It seems to me that he started living more free(whatever that means), and he is keeping me for a money issues, also i have some inhereted appartment, in Europe, and lately he has been pushing me a lot to sell it. He wants to pay all our debt with that money, so we are OK... Are we?
Today, he is again with his cooworker(she never mentions me). before her, I was always invited to participate in His teaching courses. This was the first tima, that i was not.
Also he is going to a work an hour earlier, and comming back 5 hours later.
I think, i have all the answers.
I am so sad...I am going to my father's.


Peace
l.

Still sounds rough. I'm going to put on my cold technical hat and say the computer is not the art.

If you have a few hundred dollars, you can get a hard disk for the computer that attached via the USB port.

Depending on the kind of art you are talking about, you may be able to copy this to a removeable hard drive and take that with you.

The art is what is valuable, not the computer, so when you do decide to leave, try to get copies of it before you go.

You didn't go into details, so I don't know the kinda media you have on that computer.

If the files are less that 800MB, you could burn the files to CD-Recordables, but that takes a lot longer.

Ok, enough of the techno-geek stuff. I really do feel for you and your situation. Just remember that you are valuable. Even if he doesn't see your value, it is important that you continue to see it in yourself.

Tony

I don’t know where you live or where you’re originally from. But here, we have an agency for Hispanic immigrants. They could help with some legal issues.

Please contact a shelter quietly. Get information and get out. You need to be very careful right now because this is the most dangerous time in abusive relationships. Do you know how to clear the history and the navigation bar? The place where you type a web site? Make sure you do that and make sure you go into the temporary files and delete all the MB files.

I don’t want your husband to find you on this board.

If your name is as it shows, change the screen name. Go to My Profile and change it to something else. A little misdirection in this tread wouldn’t hurt. Like saying you live in one region of the country when you live in another. I’m going to delete this advice after you post and I know you’ve read it.

Also, there’s an 800 number for battered women.

Do check back in later. Through the library computers if necessary. I end up worrying about women in your situation when I don’t hear from them again.

I think you are in danger of being killed. We just had the issue of my thinking he was having an affair. If he is also accusing you of having an affair, I think that things could get very ugly.

Please don't worry about finances or immigration issues. Go to a shelter. Even if you are deported, it is better than being dead.

I'm worried about you, too. I almost cried reading your story. I'm in an abusive relationship as well, mostly verbal, although it has been physical. Follow the advice you've been given, and leave. Your life is worth so much more than your worrying over his cheating. It's beyond that now. If you are literally fearing for your life, you HAVE to leave. No questions. I wish you the best.