Thought this might be a good topic for some of us oldies out there. How do you NOT engage in their (ex's) manipulations? How do you handle being a parent, yet not be drawn into their games?

At the beginning...when my STBX threatened me on the phone and tried to pull me in, I would pick up the phone AFTER the answering machine picked up. He *thought* that our whole conversation was recorded and would swear at me. I would respond, "If you don't have anything that you would be ashamed of saying on a tape, why would it bother you?" Took the wind outta his sails.

Just a tip....

I set the rules about our communication from day one. We would ONLY discuss the children and we would only communicate by e-mail. At first he would try to get me to respond with little barbs or by saying something derogatory about OW's husband, my friend, but when I never once responded, he stopped trying. I decided once he left me, he lost the power to control anything about our relationship and he lost the right to communicate with me about anything except the children. It protected me and brought me to closure much quicker. Another trick that I used was to answer his suggestions about the children or parenting time with "I'll check with my lawyer and have him get in touch with you." I used that in other situations too...."I'll run that by my accountant" or "I'll ask the kids' family counselor what they think about that idea." Me and my panel of experts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I can't imagine talking to my ex now about anything personal or referring to our past relationship, and that is exactly how I like it!

Put everything in writing.EVERYTHING.

X manipulates the young adult children and tells them things I communicated by turning them inside out and making me out to be a liar etc..... Written communication at least provided evidence that mom was not distorting facts and truth, and kids could not even deal with this. Is mom or dad providing facts (...about a kid, not adult stuff).

Now, 5 years later I e-mail X kids issues, and cc the e-mail to all the kids. I address all issues especially where he gives mixed messages, playing good guy/victim to kid and then screwing kid over in his need to continue his conflict with me.

Amazing how the double talk and lies in this respect are finally making an impact on the most vulnerable kids who have bought his package of lies and been so damaged in the past. I simply want to break this cycle and dysfunctional pattern where kids are alienated not only from me, but more importantly from each other.

After 5 years it is time for X and his wife to move on with their lives and allow the children to do so as well.
I only get drawn back into his game playing when this crud is going on and it is brought into my home by real chaos in a kids life that has required massive and critical interventions. Time for X to stop the chaos, but that is his choice, just trying to get kids to not allow their lives to be turned upside down...over and over again, due to their father's agenda and their need not to be discrded...again and again.

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: amnow.ok ]</small>

I know I'm extremely lucky. My XW married the OM, but I do have primary custody of my D and the XW pays me a little child support. (enough to cover her portion of the shared expenses of D...all I wanted)

Still, I layed down the "law" on day one. I said something to this effect "I'm no longer getting anything good out of this relationship so I'm damn sure I'm not taking any bad. If you (attack me, can't remember exact)...I'm just going to hang up."

I only had to hang up a few times and she got the point.

Never fight with them, but just stand your ground and always keep focused on what's best for the kids. I am always nice though not engaging as to not validate what she has done. The meanest I can be now is to be nice so that when her fantasyworld collapses ... I've been all along, a nice guy who would never have done to her what she did to me and our daughter.

The only way to win is not to play. Be the rock.

Remember, weak people will hurt you. Beware the weak.

I just instilled the no contact a few weeks ago, and X has been doing pretty good. He has failed a few times, but we all make mistakes. It has been so much more peaceful here, and I am moving along. Before, there were triggers, and words that he would inflict on me. He would yell, and I just got yelled at 2 days ago. I met the X at the post office to mail an old tax return, cause I was going to file separately if he didn't send it in. And he yelled at me about claiming all the kids on this years tax return. I took my papers that I had brought to show him, and put them in my manilla folder and walked out to my vehicle. I am not going to play the game.

It is hard to accept that we used to love each other, and do so many things for each other. And now I am scared when I am in his presence of what he is going to say are do. But no contact is of essence to everyone going through separation, divorce. I do wish that I had instilled the no contact the day of divorce. It would of been so much easier the last 9 months. No more games, as we move along, we become more aware of their manipulation.

Good advice, just state what needs to be stated, and leave it at that. One they don't really care what is going on in your life. Hard to accept, but the truth. And two, they don't need to know anymore. They are not your spouse.

I like the statement, that I will check with my lawyer. And that I will check with my accountant. How about I will check with my financial advisor. Or I will check with my pastor. God knows that one.

I agree, what is best for the children, is of utmost importance now. They are the ones that are hurting the most severely. For a family has been shattered, and family is not a word anymore, that is a unit. So I agree, and the no contact has been very good for my kids. Less, arguing, and things are much more peaceful here.

It is hard, to be on the defense, especially when a new manipulation comes out. Just have to be aware that this may happen, and reaction is important for both people.

***bump**
for those oldies to add the great ideas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />