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maw64 Offline OP
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Ok so why is it that - just when I think that everything is going along and starting to look up - bam again - I am hit right back to where I started... Why is it that everything in my life seems to hit every damn detour or snag.... It is never ending.. Yet he is out on his own with his girlfriend, enjoying his freedom - happy - having a wonderful life - and my life is basically still pretty much in the gutter...??? Why is it that I cannot get myself happy - and that everytime I turn around there is another snag - and I tend to start feeling like crap again.... ugggggggg - I have got to tell you I have had about enough.. This week I had to have surgery - my ex called me on Thursday night acting all concerned - and I assumed that he was trying to be politically correct in calling but didn't really give a crap - so I basically said why are you calling?? And he swore and hung up on me - now fast forward this week - I have it done and does he ask me - or either of my kids if I am alright - nope - ?? Not at all - so now I am mad that I was correct in my assumption that he didn't really give two craps that is why he never asked how I made out... So why or why do I let him bother me - I mean basically he is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't as far as I am concerned - but why do I let myself get back into this dreary - crap - letting myself think that it matters one iota what he thinks either way..... Does anyone have an answer to my questions??? Or how to make it stop and go away???

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Oh can I empathise.....hang in there....I think it just goes with the territory. Basically, in my case, I have to continually remind myself of what a jerk he is....because at times there is a little glimpse of what he used to mean to me....but it is history. Hard to deal with.

Wish I could be there to give you a hug!!! Is everything going ok physically?

Try not to let him get to you. I think those of us who are betrayed--especially after a long relationship--keep a small hope that someday they will come to their senses and realize what they have done---but it just is not going to happen. And when there is a major occasion in our lives, you can't help but be disappointed--because it is so difficult to let it go.

Take care of yourself. Pat

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or how to make it stop and go away??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only you can stop this thinking. Reframe it.
Maybe he did care.

It helps to think of the X's as a stranger. Use common courtesy when dealing with them as you would someone you just met.

Don't read too much into his statements/questions.
Reframe your thinking!

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Is it possible that he genuinely was concerned/interested in what was going on ~ but because you shut him down before, he opted not to risk getting shut down a second time after?

Maw, the only person that can fix your life - or ruin it - is you. So, if you don't like the way you're feeling, then change it. Start laying out a plan on how to better your life, your outlook. I recently had to do that myself, actually. I started with revamping my spiritual life, then my cultural life, and then my social life. It kind of sent my life into a different direction.. but, I think it'll be ok!

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With my x and the xIL's, I too feel like there is NOTHING they can do that will be right. What I've realized is that I have all of this anger towards them because I loved them all so. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I find that the anger detaches me from them. I NEED that detachment, b/c of all of the hurt and pain THEIR choices have inflicted upon my life, and the lives of my boys.

It hurts because I cared so deeply for them, and obviously still do at some level. For me, what helps is NC.

Karen

p.s. I hope you're healing well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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MAW,
One thing I learned in counseling is that the stages of divorce are like a slippery slope. You reach one level only to have to your feet slip out from under you and you slide back down.

The key is to get back up, dust yourself off and start climbing again. Keep climbing until your reach that solid ground! Don't get "stuck" in that low place!

I too having been feeling low. I think I have been a little depressed. Part of it started in Feb, the 4 yr anniversary of my divorce. Another part has been my g/f and I have been spending less time together. Part of it was due to her working on our weekends together and part was due to our kids having something going on at the same time.

And as I posted below, my x is seeing someone and is starting to pull the same old tricks. Today she dropped our son off at 5:00 and didn't feed him.

On the upside, my kids are getting older and are pretty self sufficient and not as dependent on me as I want them to be. As soon as my d passes her drivers test, next week, they will need me even less.

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Hey guys thanks for the responses they made me feel better... I guess that once you think you are off of the rollercoaster finally after divorce but I guess maybe the afterlife is just a different kind of ride...
MiserynMissouri - Oh I know you can relate - and my god it bites doesn't it.... I am ok physically I had to have a biopsy but havent' heard anything back - so no news to me is good news...
Newly - Reframe my thinking - well the thing is that I do absolutely wonderful if I do not have to hear his voice at all - and I mean at all.. But then like today my friend looked at me and she knew that I had spoken to him - she could just tell by my face - and to me this is getting really old - I know that I am the one in the driver seat - but where I am going is not the problem it is getting to that happy place .... uggg..
The Calypso - I would truly like to think that he truly cared but I don't think so ... and I know that I am the only one that can make me happy... And I feel like I get there and then bam - back in that rutt... Back feeling bad - and I am just so tired of it....
Topie25 - I guess you are right - it is because I did care so much and being thrown away like a piece of trash is tough to swallow - I mean I know in reality he probably isn't as happy as he lets on - but it is just that I know that I am unhappy... you know....
RWD - Feeling low does suck... And my girls are 11 and 14 and they are pretty self suffcient they don't need me as much - except as that taxi service... This is actually the first time this year this weekend that my youngest is sleeping over on Friday with him and my oldest is going bowling with them on Saturday - And I am ok with them all being together - I truly want them to have a relationship with him.. Just obviously I cannot have any kind of communication with him what so ever... And I know that I am the only one that can heal myself - but my god is my life ever gonna turn around for good...I long for the day that I can be one of those posters that says how wonderful my life is now.... A few years later.. Actually I wish for the day when we can all say that....

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Here are several things that helped me out when I suffered from depression when my marriage first started to fall apart (amazingly enough, I've been MUCH happier since our decision to divorce, but I had let a lot of this slide some, so I have thrown myself back to task):


1. I started exercising - the endorphin thing is real and very, very wonderful! I now have a gym membership, a treadmill, do yoga/pilates, spin, salsa dancing and *blush* belly dancing.. it's SO fun! I feel good about myself while working out and have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

2. I really made a plan of things to do including things I loved, or wanted to excel at - for me, that was mostly involved with the arts ~ reading, writing, music. Now, I still work on those things, but have added cooking, gardening,and sports into the mix. Those are things I enjoy and many of them are things I can enjoy with my girls, which makes it not only relaxing, but a bonding experience!

3. I made time for recreational friendship activities... for awhile, this was out of kilter, but it's getting back on track now. I play EQ with my friends 3 or 4 times a week because I enjoy it and I can talk while doing something (gotta love that); I make a point to go out with friends twice a month. Tomorrow night it's bowling with the guys, in two weeks it might be movies with the girls.. just kinda depends.

4. I picked three areas of myself I wanted to improve upon and take 15 minutes a day to study/work towards improving those areas. Mine are personal, but I can say those 15 minutes really start adding up.

Mainly though, I did this then, and I do this now: Every day I find a reason greater than myself to try to excel during the day. It may be your Higher Power, it may be your children, it may be your friends, it may be a sense of duty.. but whatever it is, it's something to meditate on when you start to feel yourself wane. I have found that I have a great source of strength from that reason, when I focus on it.

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The Calypso - OK so I guess it is all about me then right??? I just saw the girlfriend at Walmart then boom ex calls and he is at Walmart shopping for Easter for my girls - OK now I dont' care about him - it is just the simple fact that I have to see it - I have to live next door to it - and I cannot teach myself how to not let it get to me... Like my sister says is he worth it - nope he isn't but jeez - I cannot get my freaking heart and head to accept that.. Why should he get to have everything he wanted when I get nothing.. Though I even know in the long run that I am going to be the happier person - that he probably isn't as happy as it seems to me - I know all of this - yet I guess I don't have the discipline to let myself - think only about myself - to better myself - to rise above all of this crap and get out of my self inflicted self pity... Jeez - and it really truly drives me nuts.... Totally absolutely.... It is really true that I do wonderful and then bam it hits me like I hit a brick wall and they are right in front of me - and frankly I just want to run them over.... Maybe excercising and doing stuff for me is the answer - I will really try to concentrate on me... But with me being the sole caretaker of my children my time is pretty slim to none of alone time or time to do something for myself.. ugggg.. I think I just need to go to sleep and try to forget that tonite ever set me off....

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I know this is totally inappropriate...but I am smiling...because I have a twin out there. There has been so many times in the last month or so that I would have "loved to run them over".

I also know that life is not what it appears to be for them....but it is still hard to deal with ...sends me into a tail spin also at times.

I think the rollar coaster ride is probably never over, the highs and lows just smooth out a little.

I have a friend whose ex married a young thing after 26 years of marriage. He actually has started a new family with this bimbo. My friend remarried 2 1/2 years ago. She still can get teary eyed at times with issues involving her kids and their family. It is a hurt, I think that is always there--even if you are happily married again (which she is). She has had both of her kids get married and one graduated from college in the last year. Her new H's children are also getting married this year. They have both invited their ex's and their OPs to their house and showers and luncheons and such....and they seem to be getting through it. Feelings are still involved tho---but it gives me hope that eventually I too will be able to at least tolerate them near me. Right now...it makes me sick.

Hang in there....we will make it...because we are great and we deserve it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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MiserynMissouri - smile away - I know what it feels like to actually like the fact that someone understands what you are going through...I have had a rotten night because I knnow that she slept over his house last night instead of Saturday because it is Easter - and the funny thing is I don't care but I do - I cannot seem to get that visual out of my head - and as for all of us being nice together -- I somehow cannot imagine that - we were friends before any of this - and I really think that as long as she continues to live next door to me - I am not gonna be friends anytime soon - what I wouldnt' do for her to just move away even if it means they moved in together - just have her go away - my ex is funny - he won't bring her around my kids because he says he is respecting my wishes - joke huh??? Plus he says they will never get married because then his kids would never talk to him - well what is all of this then - just torture for the exwife - ?? I am going to start praying on a daily basis - that I do not hit these ruts in the road - because well frankly I am not a fan of them and no one can understand why I put myself through this - me included I might add - I mean if I was to make a list of his good vs. bad qualities there would be no comparison - this is one man that I would never go with - with a ten foot pole now if I had just met him - so Iguess it is all about hurt and rejection - and I for one am pretty much through with it - Now someone convince my head and heart of that - PLEASE...

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I got in those ruts too -- and at times, still do -- but to a different extent.

I really had to self-reflect on why it was I was feeling the way I was. I'm sorry you had to go through the surgery yourself. It must have been really scarey (I'm doing the same myself this week, but have a great girlfriend that's doing the driving and looking after me). Since my sis tried to do herself in, the whole family is focused on her ( I haven't even mentioned it to them since it was booked 6 months ago) -- still, scarey all the same.

As for the ex -- and calling. I know exactly what you mean. My ex couldn'e even be bothered to *care* when we were married. It's kinda a farce that their *concern* appears now. Sorry, but I'd feel the same way if my ex called.

I think it's a matter of wanting what we never had. It *appears* that the ex is happy. Has a new g/f, house, cars, holidays etc. that he never attempted to have when we were married for 20 years. The kids came last (they still do). I highly doubt that his 20 years of ingrained habits changed overnight -- and I highly doubt his *life* is all that dreamy. When our daughter comes home, she says her dad and g/f screamed at eachother all weekend in their bedroom. Yep, sounds like *bliss* to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It will hurt -- forever I'm thinking (been 5 years for me...and probably about 10 last years of our marriage where he really didn't care). I was missing and mourning what I never had. Now at least I have what I wanted. Friends who care for me and respect me. Time to do what I want to do without someone criticising me. My children around me unconditionally, appreciating the fact that I have a real relationship with them rather than a *bought* one.

Some days are harder than others (most though are pretty terrific!) And those bad days....I come here and get picked up by all you guys who point me in the right direction (gotta love that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) There will come a day when you will look back and go "The pain was worth it." (I know, hard to believe). I look back and wonder why I stayed in such an abusive marriage all those years. I was so afraid to say anything or do anything without his permission. I'm this wonderful person that keep shrinking away until there was nothing.

Hang in there! There ARE things you can do and I can do to make those crappy days fewer and fewer! Thanks Calypso for some great ideas. What's EQ anyways? (think I have to look that one up on the net!) I started the dinner club thing, which is fabulous! And yes...sometimes wallowing is good for a person -- as long as you can pick yourself up again, dust yourself off and continue your journey -- cause the view from the top is absolutely awesome!

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Elan - well thank you for the support - Alot of my problem I think stems from the fact that this betrayal and divorce and everything for me came right out of left field.. I mean I pretty much spent my whole entire marriage kissing his butt and that would be where I got lost - who I am ?? What I like?? It was always - waiting around for him to decide what to do -? Waiting around for him to come home?? Everything was about him - of course he never saw it that way - after the fact - I think even my kids noticed it - because it seems to me that they actually don't even miss that he is gone and they are geniunely happier about the relationship that the three of us have... I know one day I am gonna wake up and be happier.. and probably thank him - because someday I am going to be appreciated and loved like I was always intended to be.. But in the meantime - my self esteem - well no self esteem is really in bad shape - I was going to a therapist for a long time - then he left - then the office didn't take my new insurance and I haven't been able to find one - I really think maybe I need a new one... I would love to be on the top ... And I am sorry to hear about your surgery - I actually have friends and family dont' get me wrong - they were actually more nervous than me - but still it sometimes sucks when everyone has that special someone they can depend on - and I am that third wheel - I guess I am just in feel bad for me mode.... And I am getting out of it today -if it kills me.....

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Self-esteem? What's that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Kidding! I know what you mean. I remember kissing my ex's butt all the time too -- to the point of losing myself and not even knowing what Elan was all about. She's coming back though! And I'd like to tell you she's mighty fine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I too was in the position where I had to stop the counselling because of a change in jobs and insurance. I did find that the programs they ran at church were wonderful! I took DivorceCare (dealt with a whole load of issues, plus had a group of supportive friends who were going through the same stuff -- and an excellent facilitator that I could bounce ideas off of). The next thing I did was take "Boundaries" based on the book by Drs. Townsend and Cloud. I took it twice in fact. The only investment I had was $20 for the class (12 weeks!) and I also got the workbook (the first class I borrowed a book). It is Christian based, and related to real life. I think a lot of times people hear "Christian" and they automatically think you're going to be Bible thumping and singing "Amen, Amen!" and raising your hands. It's NOTHING like that at all!

I'm a huge reader -- so my library card gets used ALOT. I have my own library of "must haves" and found that reading really helped me examine who I really was and how I could work towards being who I was really meant to be.

Kids still sleeping...I want to head out too..but with Good Friday, it's all peaceful and quiet around here! Good day for reflection! Have a great Easter and I'll see you around!

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Elan - I looked into that divorce care class through a local church - they had it but were not offering it at anytime around me .... uggg - Now I don't know about the Boundaries thing I never heard of it before - I will try to look into that - Because I definately could use a Boundarie class I am thinking.... I am looking into maybe going out tonite - doing something for myself - I hope I am not sure - but I need to get out in the world and meet people - most of my friends are married or with significant others - and then there is me... And like I said sometimes that gets quite depressing - I was reading alot - Learning to Love Again and stuff like that - I think now I need to look into the self esteem issues - maybe I will do a search at my local library this afternoon - very quiet at work.... Happy Easter to you - and let me know how your surgery goes??? Good Luck..

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maw, I read most of your posts - you are a smart woman, you already know 'everything', you just haven't - ACCEPT IT!

Sometimes I feel similar, and although I did let it go, still feel pain when similar things happen...

What helped me a lot is - I kind of FORCED myself to ACCEPT that we were not meant to be, that OW (or someone else) CAN make him happy and I couldn't, that he CAN make someone happy and had not me...
Moreover - he being with her DOES NOT MEAN I'm alone!
I'm alone because it's MY CHOICE not to have fog/fake/unhappy relationship for the time being! unlike his - to be with OW with no (real) love, with similar problems he had with me, and they will be worse than ours if they move in together, I know this for sure!

And you know that your X didn't learn much and he'll have not the same relationship with her, but even worse, cause you had kids and your efforts were bigger than ow ever might make...

Also, I begun looking at him as just a - poor human being, and a loser in addition (he really lost much more than he's aware of, but will be one day...), and very often I just feel sorry for him (although I have many reasons to feel the same for myself... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), and very often I'd like to help him - to be happy, with her, with anyone, just to help him, 'poor baby'...
Moreover, whenever I look at my son I have to be thankful to God and - my X too...

You probably still deny some feeling for him... maybe you think that way your hurt will be less, or if you admit it (and you know that he's not worth it) you'd feel less worthy yourself... - WRONG!
E.i., this way we don't accept ourselves TOO!
I don't ever want to be with my X (if he doesn't change and he will not), but I still have some love for him... and I accepted it... the way it doesn't hurt... like love for some things you'll never have just for yourselves and it'd be foolish to hate them, 'cause that feeling makes you ... - noble!, hey, you CAN STILL FEEL! (Understand what I mean?)

Yes, I'm still angry but not as before... trying to understand why he did some things and now I do... Not that I didn't contribute to his cheating, but that was his choice and ha HAS the right to chose!! even if it isn't me...
(He wouldn't agree with this, he still keeps saying he wants only me... but doesn't break up with either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ... I told him I understand his wish to have two women but that combination will never work if I'm in it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Also, you need someone in your love life, and still you are alone... Seeing them you don't miss HIM but LOVE, a man to be with you, to share your problems, bed, emotions... I'm sure once you fall in love your X won't hurt you anymore, you won't care what he says or does, with whom he is...

Untill that - accepting your life where it is now and - loving yourself! will lessen this hurt...
Beside letting it go, it's accepting the life after too... and IT IS nice and will be better IF we make it so... WHY wouldn't we? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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Morning Maw64 -- didn't read your post until this morning. Still have to do the Easter Bunny Stuff (yikes.....chocolatttttttte....chocolate!)

Even if you can't get to the Boundaries group -- invest in the book and also the large workbook. Take one chapter a week, read, reflect and then do the chapter in your workbook. It's one of those books that if you put the effort into it, you get rewards! Also -- if it's not at "your" church, don't be afraid to take it at another church. You don't have to be a member of the congregation to take it. You'll also meet some new people!

I can SO relate to feeling like the 5th wheel when you go out. I started a "Dinner Club" that gives me something great to look forward to once a month. It's become quite popular and we have a group of about 30+ people (all because I wanted to go out for dinner somewhere *different* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) There are places you can go and yes, it's hard going by yourself, but you have to start somewhere!

GO with your friends who have significant others. Remember, they too have *single* friends. The best dates can be had by letting your friends know that you would like to *see* someone. Doesn't mean you want to get married, doesn't mean a heavy duty relationship, but you just might find that perfect companion to go to a movie with you once in a while, or do something around the house that men do so well (I get them to do all the sweaty, hammer, plier, destroy, stuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) Men love to help and a lot of single men love to help because it makes them feel wanted. Don't fear asking for help.

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Belonging to Nowhere - You are right I do understand it all I just have not accepted it - couldn't have said it better myself... And probably when I am with someone I will be happier and won't miss him as much - I am thinking you are right maybe I just miss being part of that couple because I don't have anyone and all I can think of is them having each other and I don't think that is fair - plus the fact that she lives next door and I have to look at her everyday...Constant reminders do basically bite... But you are right also about me changing and him being the same "loser" person if you will.... Thank you .. It really helps when I see it in black and white.... Happy Easter...
Elan - my church doesn't really offer anything - I was looking into other churches but still they were not offering the class about divorce in my area... I will check out the Boundaries thing it sounds like something that I truly need... I am starting to feel better...Getting out of the rutt so to speak.. Sometimes I think coming here prolongs my issues - but then other days I read someone else's post and I see how far I have really come - plus I am still waiting to give that - well my life is wonderful post... So again thank you and I will look into the Boundaries thing - and have a Happy Easter....


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