I'm trying to understand all of this.

I feel/think I'm being fair in my offer to settle our divorce. I offered a fair split of assets and debts essentially 50/50 across the board and asked to see our YD 40% of the time.

Actually back in November, I suggested that if she wanted a D that we go see a mediator, split it up, have a lawyer draw up what we agreed to, and go to the court to file it as our divorce.

I said I would rather give you the money than to pay lawyers.

So what does she do? File for divorce.

So I offer essentially the same terms after answering the petition for divorce.

So what do I get today? The questions asking for the last three years worth of financial data etc.

Most of this was in the settlement offer, a listing of assets and debts etc.

I offered C/S as if she had sole custody and asked for our YD for about 40% of the time.

I asked her about it tonight, asked her what she wanted, and she didn't want to talk about it, she said that is what lawyers were for.

I just don't understand this at all. I'm not trying to cheat her out of anything, and she has taken this adversarial approach.

So we are going to spend thousands of dollars for lawyers to probably get very close to what I offered. I tried to make an offer that I felt was fair, plus I'd really rather give money to her than to our lawyers.

Actually, I'd rather not divorce at all.

I really don't understand the anger and her reluctance to just tell me what she wants. If it's close to what I opened with, we can be done with this.

She takes my asking her what she wants as if I think she is wrong. I'm trying not to be mad, but this is just eating me up right now. It just seems all during our marriage she has felt slighted by me, and I have always felt I was being fair. She said things tonight like I always did what I wanted.

My head and heart are both so torn up right now. I wish God would just enter both of our hearts and fix the hurts and show us how to love each other the way husband and wife are supposed to love one another.

I'm so frustrated because she will not let me love her and has put up this wall.

I'm so frustrated that so many women here write about wanting husbands back that seem so abusive, and my problems are basically being insensitive. I'm thinker married to a feeler. I'm trying to understand her feelings and she is just "resolved" as she put it tonight.

Please pray for God to work a miracle. My heart is so broken, and I want a chance to love her like God asks us to. I want both of our hearts softened. If there is something God wants me to change, I pray that it is obvious to me.

I pray that her hurts are healed and that her heart is softened to my attempts to love her in the way God wants us to love.

It doesn't have to be this way, and I don't understand why it is. I know Gdd is working, I just can't always see it, and I often lose hope, and my faith is shakey.

If God hates divorce so much, then why does it seem that He is not stopping this one?

If I am to blame, then show my fault, and show me how to fix it.

show me!

Tony

Tony,

I could cut and paste 90 % of your post into one of my own. I know exactly how you feel and am looking for the same answers as you.

No filing yet and actually did see a mediator that was a waste of time. We are already looking for a new one.

However, looking at the reality of things, there are a few recomendations that I was given that I will pass on to you.

1. Go see a laywer before you accomadate her in any way. You may not want to but in the end you may wish you had.

2. It was mentioned to me once that, with a good lawyer, your legal fees can possibly be deducted from her SS or Alimony if it is a D that you don't want and are being forced into.

Sounds cold and I havn't been able to bring myself to the point of either but, Again, in the end I will probably find myself wishing I had or glad I did.

Perhaps when she sees you taking these steps, she will reconsider your efforts to be fair and civil.

WIWH

Java,

I've been following your "progress" over in Prayer Requests, and I'm truly sorry to see it has come to this.

I have "been here, done this" - so I totally relate.

You asked "Why?"
I believe the answer is in this statement you made:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>She takes my asking her what she wants as if I think she is wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my opinion only, of course, but here's what I think:
I think she DOES believe you always (OK, maybe not always, but a lot of the time) thought SHE was wrong, and only you knew what was the right thing..... Maybe in her mind, you trivialized her opinions. Now, by filing, and "doing the divorce thing" HER WAY, it gives her a sense of empowerment.
Just spewing ideas, here, OK? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She said things tonight like I always did what I wanted.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
OK, this is what I'm saying.......she feels like she was trivialized, unimportant in the M. NOW? Now she is in control of all this, and there is not a damn thing you can do to stop it! See? Empowerment.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please pray for God to work a miracle. My heart is so broken, and I want a chance to love her like God asks us to.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
Listen, my brother. I have been doing this for about 3 years myself....."loving my S like God asks me to....."
It's hard. He's "gone." Been gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
But in the meantime, I am learning to behave like Christ wants me to, requires me to.

Here's what I have learned about myself: IF MY SPOUSE WERE HOME RIGHT NOW, I'D HAVE A HARD TIME GROWING IN THE LORD AS I AM. See, I'd be trying to "impress" him, "show" him my growth, etc. But by him NOT being here, I'm free to spend extra time thinking about what Jesus requires from me, free to do ONLY those things He wants me to, instead of things intended to support a spouse......things that will come "naturally" once I've grown enough (and only God will know when that will be).

I'm not sure I'm making myself clear. I hope I am.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If God hates divorce so much, then why does it seem that He is not stopping this one?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
Yeah, well, I asked this one, too. Here's what I have come to believe.....God DELIGHTS in working His miracles. In raising dead things to life, to show His power.....the miracle is yet to come, my friend.

Java, I believe God has allowed our divorce in order to let the "old" M die, so that He can raise up a new, healthy one. He will show Himself faithful. He will show that He is able. HE WILL DO IT THIS WAY IN ORDER TO BE SURE WE ALL KNOW IT WAS GOD WHO DID THIS, AND NOT SOMETHING WE ACCOMPLISHED.

Java, this only came to me after I "gave up" any thoughts I had that God HAD TO "save" our M, not allow the div. to go through. My H wanted it SOOOOO bad.....but all it was was a "piece of paper." Didn't change our vows, our covenant w/God! Never will. Only death of one of us will void that covenant. I am confident now of that fact. Our div. decree is only a piece of paper. Truth be told, I never even looked at it when it arrived in the mail. I just put it away somewhere. I don't even really know where that paper is now. Don't care. It's irrelevant in God's Kingdom.

I hope you can get to that place where you KNOW that God is not in this, so DON'T SWEAT IT!

God bless,

Lupolady,

I think you are spot on, regarding how she feels.

Often is the state of affairs between thinkers and feelers. I focused on the facts (still do at times) and she is focused on the feelings.

This is frustrating for me because it seems to me that it doesn't matter what I'm trying to do, all that matters are her feelings.

So via my lawyer, I've made an offer that seems fair. She doesn't want me to have YD other than every other weekend.

I understand this is spiritual warfare. So my spirit needs support right now.

Tony

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaSansContour:
<strong> I understand this is spiritual warfare. So my spirit needs support right now.

Tony </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU GOT IT, BRO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember, it's EASTER week-end. If we believe God raised His Son Jesus Christ from the dead, why are we having so much trouble believing He can resurrect our "dead" M's?????

IF the Div. goes through, it's just a piece of paper signed by an "earthly" judge, and has NO validation in Heaven.

God Bless, and have a blessed, RESURRECTION DAY this Sunday.

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

It is so terribly hard but I understand what you are driving at...i am just having a hard time healing spiritually as i am in limbo, which is the thing that is frustrating me the most.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaSansContour:
<strong> I understand this is spiritual warfare. So my spirit needs support right now.

Tony </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU GOT IT, BRO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember, it's EASTER week-end. If we believe God raised His Son Jesus Christ from the dead, why are we having so much trouble believing He can resurrect our "dead" M's?????

IF the Div. goes through, it's just a piece of paper signed by an "earthly" judge, and has NO validation in Heaven.

God Bless, and have a blessed, RESURRECTION DAY this Sunday. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not trying to mix metaphors here, but I had this strange Déjà Vu feeling tonight. It's like I've lived or had dreams about this before.

Part of me wishes I could remember how the dream goes. Part of me is wishing this is all a bad dream and I could wake up and tell my W I love her, and that I have a lot to do to be a better husband.

I'm really torn because I really see that much of the problem is squarely on her shoulders. If she doesn't have the backbone to just tell me what she wants, to tell me how or why or what she didn't like about the settlement offer, then it is her that has a problem.

But she isn't talking, she is litigating.

I don't see this as being empowered, I see this as hiding. If she were empowered, then she would have the confidence to stand up to me if she thought I was wrong or unfair, instead of having someone else argue for her.

Well, I've gotta pickup the house a bit, my sister, her husband and kids, and my grandmother are coming tomorrow for Easter.

Thanks,

Tony

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She takes my asking her what she wants as if I think she is wrong. I'm trying not to be mad, but this is just eating me up right now. It just seems all during our marriage she has felt slighted by me, and I have always felt I was being fair. She said things tonight like I always did what I wanted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) her perception is that a lawyer will take care of you, more power than she has. .

2) if she is the manipulative type, and you are unmanipulative, then she has no perceived power, and she has had some in the past over people, family, etc, so you are "too powerful" against her.

3) Why? because she is playing mind games with herself, mental masterbation, and in the end, she is just not whom you thought she was, and possibly, you are now older and wiser to accept that you can't make people love you or can't make anyone do something they don't want to do, unless you believe in slavery. . .

4) its highly doubtful that any ONE incident caused this problem. . . and its highly unlikely that any one incident is going to solve your problem. . .

5) just learn to identify and ignore, not take personally, immature attempts at hurt to manipulate, and emotional manipulation attempts. .
you won't be able to change the source no matter what you try. . .

practice acceptance of random future uncertainties that turn out not as you forecasted. . .

wiftty

You know, don't you, that when you aren't the person wanting the divorce, there is no such thing as fair?

And lots of WSs who force us down this path are manipulative people. Maybe we should let them all get together and let them kill each other off! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />