Afer being divorced for 4 years, I'm getting married again.

Is it normal to have doubts about yourself? Not wanting the same thing to happen to the 2nd marriage that happend the first time? First time H cheated on me, for the last time. Plus we grew apart because of communitication issues.

My fiance and I have had terrific communication, in fact, he was H's best friend, too.

I'm doubting myself, wondering if there is some underlying issue that I didn't know was present in my last marriage, that will uncover itself again, in this marriage.

I'm a woman, is there any other woman out there that feels the same way? Had the same doubts?

Or am I just paranoid?

A RECOVERED BROKEN HEART

That would be way too weird for me - I couldn't marry my ex-h's best friend.

Go talk to a therapist, talk to your fiance. Get it out in the open and make sure you get the reassurance you need to marry this guy. If he is going to marry you - he should be willing to sit down and talk to you about this.

I would suggest the same. Talk to your finance about your feelings. And yes, a counselor would be essential for you and your feelings. Did you get counseling during your divorce or after? That is one part of divorce that is essential for both parties, to have good professional counseling. I am in counseling and was with First Step for battered wives. Which was good for the initial treatment that my ex did to me. Now I am in individuial counseling. I would like to see a professional, but I really can't afford it. So I also have a frined that is very good at listening and helping me when I have some bad days.

If you have any ?'s now. Get it out, open on the door and find out what it is. I would put a hold on the marriage, until this was all settled, for marriage or no marriage.

Dear Yay & Faith:

Yes, I did have counseling when I went through the divorce, and yes, my fiance and I have talked about it.

I was just throwing out the ? to see if anyone else felt that way.

I have a couple of divorced female friends and they said it was something that I had to overcome and look at myself and see if there is some issues that I have leftover from the past and see if it's me, my issues, or my fiance.

I did that, and found that it's definetely not my finance, I found it was just me.

Thought it was something that someone else could tell me, yes, that' a part of healing, part of seeing inside yourself and part of the moving on process.

A B H.

It actually sounds rather normal--to wonder if your going to have the same issues arise again--

And I imagine that this man being your ex-h's best friend would add to that fear--wondering how much alike they really are--and would he do that too?

What is different about this relationship from your last one?

Do the two of you communicate better?

Are you able to work through problems and not just talk around them pushing them under the rug?

Does he have any FOO issues that he hasn't dealt with? Do you?

There is a book "The Blended Family" I'd recommend for you to read--as it covers topics that you may not have considered looking at--

Have you considered pre-marriage counseling?

What are your expectations for the marriage?
What are his?

How is his relationship with your ex-h? and yours with your ex-h? is there something there that could that cause conflict in your new marriage?
I guess, I'm asking--do the group of you spend a lot of time together socializing or is he expecting to continue socializing w/ your ex once your married? and how do you think you will handle that?

Do you have kids? If so, how will you handle disciplining the kids? and do you think it might cause problems with your ex-h and your new h--if he disciplines them? and how do you think it might effect your relationship with these men? or even their friendship?

I guess one more thing I'd look at--I noticed your screen name--and I realize it may be an older one--but it implies your still broken hearted---if so--are you looking to marry this man so that you will be in a relationship and not have the hurt anymore?? Are you looking for him to make all your hurts go away?

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Dear Thorned Rose:

Thank you for answering.

In answer to some of your questions. Yes, my fiance and I have great communication. He assures me that he won't cheat on me, like my Ex H did, no there aren't any children on his part, he's never been married before.

We are both older and my children are 31, 26, and 24 with 2 granchildren. All my children think my fiance is great, and accept him as grandpa also.

Our relationship with my X is not that great, my ex and I are friendly, my ex and my fiance's relationship is extremely strained. My ex says very sarcastic remarks in front of my finance, makes it's really uncomfortable...when the ex shows up to the grandchildren's birthdays.

X has an alcohol problem, but thinks everyone else has the problem, not him. That was another issue in our marriage, along with multiple A's.

Most of the time the X won't show up to family gatherings, giving our daughters and son the excuse that, "your mother and _____" will be there."

What is FOO? Couldn't find it on the MB chart.

Any help or advise that you could give me on, is what I'm feelilng normal for someone who is getting married after a long marriage that didn't work out?

I should change my password to a "recovered broken heart".