Hello,<p>I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through a similiar situation as what I am right now.<p>My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and for the last year or so, she has stated that; "She is not happy." " Doesn't want to be married." etc.<p>She states that she wants to be able to go out and have fun with her friends, but everytime she does so, she thinks I am upset.<p>Well I do get upset when she doesn't call home to let me know that she is ok, and I am very insecure with myself. To the point that my mind wanders and I think she out cheating or doing something.<p>She says this is one of the reasons she is not happy, because I am "up in her business." While I see it as just being concerned. She is everything to me, and I am more then happy to be at home with our 2 kids, but expect some kind of attention given from her.<p>She states that she does not like to take me along with her when she is out, because I get very jealous and silent, to where she has to field questions from co-workers and friends on "what's wrong with him".<p>Sorry I am rambling. What I would like to know is if this is something most women go through at one point in time?<p>She has asked me to sleep in the spare bedroom to "give her, her space" for a little while. I am so scared that we will never be reconciled, and I will lose her and my sons.<p>She comes from a very sheltered and trouble life from 12-20 years old, and we were married when I got her out of the situation. She feels that she has gone from one bad situation right into a relationship that is expected to last.<p>Hope someone can help, this is killing me!

What concerns me the most is your wife's exclusion of you from her social life. You alluded to her being out late and not calling -- this is unacceptable behavior, not just because it is inconsiderate, but (MOST IMPORTANTLY) because it obviously hurts your feelings! I think you have to consider the possibility that your wife is having an affair. Have you thought of checking out the Infidelity forum?<p>Whether she is having an affair or not, your relationship appears to be suffering and will only continue to weaken until you take some action. Maybe you can suggest that she fill out an Emotional Needs Questionnaire?

Thanks for the response. Her words for why she don't like me to be with her when she goes out is because I get very emotional when we do. If we are around her friends (most of whom she works with), I clam up at times. Meaning that when I am there I there bascially to be with her, I interact with anybody that comes to me, or pipe into conversations. But she says more often then not I go into "an attitude" to where she is always answering what is wrong with me to other people.<p>
I've asked repeated if an Affair has/had happened, and she says that she takes our wedding vows very seriously and would not do that, thought she has been propositioned by people she waits on (she's a bartender, works nights, I work days.) And I honestly believe her in that. My mind races and I get all worked up about the fear of her cheating, but in the back of my mind really think she wouldn't do it. Besides alot of the people that she hangs out with after work are related to me, (nieces and nephews) so I know they would not keep that from me.<p>
A little bit of history on her, she was sexually abused by her step father from the ages of 12-20 in which she had a child at 18, The child lives with her mom and stepfather. When she tried to date her step father would wreck a potential relationship as soon as it started. I was the first person to stand up to him, and eventually got her out of that situation. But she says she went from that to me and my attitudes.<p>
She says I love her too much and that is my problem. I do love her very much, and she is everything in the world to me, and that is what she says smothers her. She doesn't have a chance to have fun without the constant worry that I am at home with kids, with my mind racing and getting mad.<p>
She says right now, all she needs is her space, and that I need to give her that so she can "get things straightened out." and if I can not handle backing away, "Then we will need to think of something else" Which I usually take as me moving out.<p>
On a side note, yesterday was her birthday and of course with all the problems and my begging and pleading made it less the spectacular for the first half of the day. We had planned on going out with friends, (from her work), but I told her that maybe I needed to stay home to allow her not to worry about something blowing up during the time out. She called to tell me she was on her way home, and when she came home, she laid in the spare bedroom with me for a little while, in which she told me a couple times that she loved me very much. So I am holding onto that as a good sign. When I left for work this morning, I kissed her on the cheek while she slept (as I do every morning), she said "Love you, call me later, be careful).<p>
Maybe I am overacting and giving her the space she request is the right thing to do for our marriage right now. She already knows that she will never find a person as good as I am with the kids, and with love towards her, but she just needs a little time.<p>
I would love to hear from women that have/are going through the same thing in their lives, maybe just as re-assurance that what she is saying is honest. She says she doesn't want a divorce, she loves me, doesn't want our boys growing up in a broken marriage, that I need to get myself some friends, not cling on so tightly, and she has said "We will get through this, I just need some time for myself."<p>
Help?

Hi, sorry that you are hurting. I have a very simila situation and so really feel for you. Since my situation began I have read a great deal and something I discoverd may help you. Please follow the logic as it is a littel difficult to relay to you in this form, here goes.<p>It goes without saying that your wifes EN have not been met. Dr Hartley methods set out clearly how to begin addressing this issue. However, I think before that can happen you need to create an environment at home whihc will be conducive.<p>First of all you MUST appear happy with the situation. I know this sounds ridiculous but all the while you seem unhappy that will be the focus of her thoughts and it will drive her further away. She will fell guilty, pressured and feelings are barriers to positve communication.<p>Try to steer away from heavy conversation and keepp things simple and happy. make the home environment soemwhere ahe can relax and feel happy to be. At the momenet she probably sees a cloud hanging over your home and it adds to the pressure.<p>Some time ago I was feeling like yourself. I had been to collect my wifes father from hospital, it took four hours and when I returned my wife left in moments to visit a friend. Not even a thank you. I was annoyed and angry. Normally when she came home I would have wanted to talk about it and let her know I was upset.<p>However I had been reading about the effect of being positive of laughter and some of the things have written about above. So when she came home, veyr late, I had been making myself laugh (sounds daft but if you do this with conviction something in your mind is folled into believing you are actually happy for a while) and when she came into the bedroom I was actually laughing about something (something her father had said). <p>I was non-chalent and said 'hi, how was your evening (genuine interest), she replied and I pursued wiith genuuine interest 'how was ... etc'<p>I never once even intimated I was unhappy with her going out or the lack of thaks etc. and that night we chatted about all kinds of thing when we had not spoken properly for months and months. It really worked. <p>Since that time I have really tired to make home life happy and friendly and I have tried very hard to address the EM she lets me know about.<p>My marriage is still on the edge of collapse, but she has moved form being where your wife is 'I want to separate' @I have no feelings in my heart for you' 'I don't love you' etc to 'I am not throwing you out of the bedroom' I happily moved into my sons, I'm back now. She also says 'I know you are a wondeful person and a great father' 'I know this is not your fault' etc<p>Most importantly she has at least been honest about her feelings. Very, very painful but it is an honest start.<p>Last night I went out with her and some of her work coleagues, who suspect htings are not good between us. I was determined to be absolutely at ease and to enjoy myself with them. We had a really good time together. The evening was only spoilt hwne I made the terrible mistske of trying to get somthing more out of the situation and I tried to have a slightly heavier converstion. Big mistake, but it re-enforced what I have been saying.<p>Slowly re-build the bridge of communication and take as much pressure as you can out of the situation. I know how hard that is but it really is essential that you stop pushing her away.<p>Hope this is of some kind of help.<p>AlanR<p>keep heavy

Hurting in Georgia.<p>Sorry about the rough format of my reply. I am at work and had to be quick, also I sent without checking.<p>Having sent before I was ready it occurred to me that I did not indicate where the ideas came from, some of them are the beliefs of a chap called Homer McDonald who has written a book called 'Stop Your Divorce'. Type this into the command line as all one word and you can see for yourself. I suggest you do this and read it carefully. I found it very helpful. If successful you can then start putting Dr Hartleys principles into place. (The book can be downloaded so you can get access in minutes and make start staright away.)<p>AlanR.

I was the same way with my husband for three years. I wanted to be left alone, be able to do what I wanted to and didn't care if we were ever together or not. That is until...<p>he left me for someone else. That's what it took for me to realize how self-absorbed and callous I had acted toward the one person I had decided to love for the rest of my life. <p>I'm not saying leave them. What I'm saying is that they are being self-absorbed as well and are definitely wandering around in a fog. I think marriage counseling is called for.