I wanted to start this new topic to see if I'm the only one out there that is being or getting a divorce from the stress of having any illness.
I'm planning on being a breast cancer survivor...but why does all the marraige builder advise never deal with the issues that arrise from the manifestation of cancer or serious illness...which I feel may have come from a bad marraige that we were not attending too.

My story;

December 2003
...we are having sexual problems...
he tells me that he might be gay...

January 2004
...I find a lump in my breast..

February 2004
...The biopsy is positive..He moves out...after really big fight!

March 2004
I have surgery and receive divorce papers...I get a lawyer..I'm extremely scared!

April 2004
...Surgery went well..margins good not other involvement...I find a lawyer.. Divorce not final yet...we could stop it..but he really wants it... We are scheduled for a retreat just for cancer people for holistic help...

Anyone out there for help/advice?

I don't really have a lot of advice, but our stories are similiar. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had immediate surgery last fall; and the surgery took care of it w/o additional treatment.

The interesting fact is that I became part of a long term study by Duke Hospital (one of the leading treatment centers in the USA). In participating in that, I found out that there is suggestion that stress can cause latent cancers to manifest. In my case, I didn't eat much red meat, never smoked, rarely drank, and worked out at the gym 6 days a week for about the last 5 years. I didn't fit the "usual and expected" criteria for cancer, until we began to discuss recent stressful events in my life. Look at my signature line, and add "death of parent, death of two long-time family pets, son AWOL in army and joins cult, etc." and you get the idea of where my stress level was for the last 2 years.

My H had filed for separation and moved out a year before I was diagnosed, so I cannot comment on how to interact with a spouse. I just know for a long while my self-esteeem, which had gotten better post-separation, took a blow because I now had a scar. Most of that thinking is psychological, of course, and I'm much better about it now. I didn't want H to know about it for a while (stigma of being perceived as less than perfect)and I certainly didn't want him to visit me in the hospital. So I was vague on dates and called him afterwards with the report.

Sorry you're having to deal with medical issues on top of legal ones. My support came from friends at church - the same ones and new ones that stood with me (and continue to do so) during separation. Do you have friends/family nearby?

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

I dont think anyone realy knows whta to do when you throw illness into the mix. I mean even with meeting ENs, how can you meet them when you are very ill?

I became disabled about 2 and 1/2 years after my H ad I met. Before that I was giving a lot to H, helping him raise two very small children and had a great job, paying at least half the bills while we lived in a house titled only to him ( still that way 7 years later). I can see that I was being used. H is a big taker. But hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway, even though I had given a great deal when it was my turn to take he was not really able to give. He allowed me to continue living in the house. My mother provided funds for someone to provide the care I needed (which was basically making me something to eat and checkin on me as I was very weak) and this person also took over my household duties tidying up. My H brought me dinner and took over childcare duties that should have been his to begin with as they are HIS children. I love them but they are still his children. Anyways he saw this as helping ME out.

I could go on but suffice to say there was little financial help, lucklily my mom was there for me. Relatively little help with my newborn and I still had teh bulk of responsiblity for hte other kids. I believe this is the reason he continued to hold on to me, the kids were all used to me and he knows I love them.

Now at this point, they are older and he doent really need the help with him so he has basically kinda pushed me aside and makes me feel like I am not needed now. He is the great daddy , has always done everything for them, I am no longer needed or necessary. I know what he is doing because I have watched his brother do the same to my SIL who is now also being told she was a terrible step mother (but of course he allowed her to raise them to adulthood, does that make sense?). And in additiona he has left he for HER neice. Nice guy.

Anyways, I suspect that if not for the kids my H would have dropped me like a hot potato when I got sick. Illness scares the crap out of takers. It is very unfair after you have given so much. I feel at least I was given a place to live and was allowed to stay with the kids while I was sick. Next time you will be wathcing closely to see if a man you date is a giver or not and if he is not you will pass, as will I

I dont think anyone realy knows whta to do when you throw illness into the mix. I mean even with meeting ENs, how can you meet them when you are very ill?

I became disabled about 2 and 1/2 years after my H ad I met. Before that I was giving a lot to H, helping him raise two very small children and had a great job, paying at least half the bills while we lived in a house titled only to him ( still that way 7 years later). I can see that I was being used. H is a big taker. But hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway, even though I had given a great deal when it was my turn to take he was not really able to give. He allowed me to continue living in the house. My mother provided funds for someone to provide the care I needed (which was basically making me something to eat and checkin on me as I was very weak) and this person also took over my household duties tidying up. My H brought me dinner and took over childcare duties that should have been his to begin with as they are HIS children. I love them but they are still his children. Anyways he saw this as helping ME out.

I could go on but suffice to say there was little financial help, lucklily my mom was there for me. Relatively little help with my newborn and I still had teh bulk of responsiblity for hte other kids. I believe this is the reason he continued to hold on to me, the kids were all used to me and he knows I love them.

Now at this point, they are older and he doent really need the help with him so he has basically kinda pushed me aside and makes me feel like I am not needed now. He is the great daddy , has always done everything for them, I am no longer needed or necessary. I know what he is doing because I have watched his brother do the same to my SIL who is now also being told she was a terrible step mother (but of course he allowed her to raise them to adulthood, does that make sense?). And in additiona he has left he for HER neice. Nice guy.

Anyways, I suspect that if not for the kids my H would have dropped me like a hot potato when I got sick. Illness scares the crap out of takers. It is very unfair after you have given so much. I feel at least I was given a place to live and was allowed to stay with the kids while I was sick. Next time you will be wathcing closely to see if a man you date is a giver or not and if he is not you will pass, as will I

I must add something on a positive note. My H is also a verbally and emotionally abusive man. His first wife warned me but everyone including me thought she was crazy. She is a little off but now I know why she was SO off becasue these guys sill make you nuts. You must detach yourself in order to keep from getting crazy. SO I was also dealing with abuse while I was sick.

I was essentially beign kicked while I was down. I wonder if this is something most men just do instinctively since they tend to be so competitive? I cant imagine I would ever trust a man to be there for me at a time when I was weak or down again. Luckily I have family. I know there are a few out there that could handle it but my experience is that when you are weak they have an almost uncontrollable urge to kick you.

I have been married twice and this was a recurrance of an illness that developed during my first marriage and my first H respopnded to me exactly the same way. When I was down he kicked me, started being very abusive towards me. It must be something about weakness they cant handle. Or maybe older men can deal with it but most men in my age group just cant help but kick you when you are down. I am not sure. I feel certain it is some kind of competitive thing. I do know for sure that even if I escape this and remarry one day I will always and forever hold onto my dear women friends. Besides my family they are the only ones a girl can count on I have come to realize. I hope you have some good female friends.

Sorry this is so long. Whenever, I see the posts about illness I relive a little of the nightmare I have been through. I still cant imagine being mena to someone that is sick but that is the only sie of Husband I have ever seen myself. I would have been better off alone if I had not had children to take care of

Oh wow! My heart TOTALLY goes out to you. I can truly say that I've been there, done that. I AM a breast cancer survivor. I KNOW what illness can do to a marriage, especially one that's in trouble.

My timeline:
March 2003 -- DH and I have big problems. Talk about separation.
Early April 2003 -- Get positive results on breast lump. Have 3 surgeries.
Later April 2003 -- I turn to DH for support -- I'm terrified. Talk of seperation goes away.
May 2003 -- I start chemotherapy. Very hard.
November 2003 -- I start radiation
December 31, 2003 -- LAST radiation! I'm done! I'm a survivor!!!
March 2004 -- DH tells me he thinks we need to separate. He gets an apartment and moves out.
April 2004 -- We begin marital coaching to try to repair all the damage.

My husband was of NO support to me during my battle. It was very hard..... not only did he ignore what I was going through, he also decided that he no longer wanted to make love. I felt totally abandoned. I spent many many nights crying myself to sleep -- sick and terrified. Was the darkest time of my life. When I finished my treatments, it was the beginning of a new year. I decided to make the most of it. Things didn't get magically better over night, but DH did shock me with news he was leaving. I felt abandoned again.

Today, as a matter of fact, we have our first coaching session. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get past all the hurt... but I have to try.

I can so TOTALLY relate to your story. Please... right now, you have to concentrate on YOU. You need to get well. You can do this. You'll be a much stronger person when it's all behind you.

I wish you all the best. Please keep in touch. If you feel like you want some support or just an ear to listen, please feel free to email me at Babydollkisses71@aol.com

Hugs,
Sarah

Thank you everyone that posted....It is really good to know that you all are out there. I do have lots of friends and family that are helping me out. I have alot to be thankful for!!!
I'm finding out that it is very common that the spouse either leaves or just checks out in their minds about the illness. Maybe I've been blessed to lose this bad man from my life. I'm only 46 and have alot of life let me in me. I wonder if there is some sort of check list that I could use to see that I don't end up with the same kind of character; let's see.... maybe some questions like these; Just for a joke!

1. How do you feel about a woman with only one breast? Amazon woman or freak.

2. Ask if they have ever visited someone in the hospital lately..how long and how they feel about it.

3. Ask them if they know what chemo is ....really.

4. Ask them if they tend to like women with hair nor not?

5. I know you all can come up with some more...

LOL for making my day...

TallRose

Oh yeah......... I can add LOTS to that list. Hmmmm... where to begin??

1. Do they have a problem with drains containing bodily fluid hanging from your chest wall? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

2. Will they promise to keep smiling as they help you empty that drain several times a day? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

3. Do they (hopefully) prefer women with a "clean-shaven" private area? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

4. Will they be bothered by the alarm clock going off in the middle of the night to wake you for your anti-nausea meds? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

5. Will they promise not to say "WHO ARE YOU??" when you get out of the shower and they catch a glimpse of you au natural? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

6. Would they mind holding your wig on your head as you style it (as it tends come off). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

7. Will they get a few tatoos to match your radiation tatoos (you know... show of solidarity)? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

8. Would they mind giving up coffee for the next 6 months, as the smell nauseates your delicate tummy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ohhhhhhhh my..... now I find myself lol. I could go on and on and on. Thanks for making me smile today!! You have a great attitude. Laughter is sooooo important!! Keep on laughing!!!

Sarah

Hee Hee Hee,

I haven't laughed that hard in a while!
Thanks!

Those where some goooood ones.

Oh here's another one;

Could you count the hairs falling out of my head I heard that 100 a day is normal?

Did you say you were good looking..great I'm glad because today my eyes are so fuzzy I can't see you.

Is that you honey...honey...oh...that's the dog at the end of the bed...

LoL

Tall Rose