Hello all... I just filed divorce papers two weeks ago. I am feeling very hurt by my STBX. He is a minipulator, controller, and abuser (verbally and sexually).

After reading many posts by other people here, I am learning that a lot of the things he said are trademark for men like him. It hurts because the things he said that sounded loving and sincere, apparently were just said as ways to try to get back in. I can't help but question if ANY of it was EVER real. Did he really ever love me? Does he even know what "love" means? When he says he will do "whatever it takes", what does that actually mean?... he doesn't mean give me the space I need... he doesn't mean he will seek professional help... he doesn't mean he won't continue to try to hurt and minipulate me.

Knowing all this... Why do I still love him? Why do I still wish I could see him, even though I know he will just hurt me? Why do I still want him to change? Why am I not hating him? Why am I not angry? Why can't I stop thinking about him every minute of every day? But... at the same time, why do I want to vomit when I see his picture? Why does my stomach tie in knots when the caller ID shows his name?

Sorry to be so depressing. I am depressed. I hate this. Why was I so dumb in the first place to even be with him? Why was I even dumber to stay after I realized what he was like? I just don't understand.

Sorry to be such a downer. I just had to get this off my chest.