Anyone here going through divorce and have children with special needs?

The short version of my story for background. My WH and I both worked up until I got pregnant w/our first child. At that time my stepson was also living with us. WH and I decided I would quit my decent paying job to be a stay at home mom to both kids. So that's what I did. When our son was 9 months old we decided to have another baby. So our two children are only 18 months apart in age.

Both our sons and my stepson have problems. Stepson was dx w/ADHD/ODD but I think he likely has Asperger's instead. Our two sons were both dx with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Our children were dx VERY young (ages 25 months and 11 months) and have been receiving therapy and school services ever since. I drive them to school and therapy since my sons won't take the bus(it's to hard on them). My stepson has since moved out and now lives with his mother in another state.

DDay was 3/1/2004. One of my deal breakers is infidelity. We are in MC and each in IC. BUT I just don't know if I can stay w/someone that cheated on me. It's just hard to change something I've been firm on my whole life. But divorcing WH will change everything for my boys and that's what I'm worried about.

If I left and took the boys (he already said he wouldn't fight me for them) I'd have to go back to work to support them. I'm not opposed to working at all. My problems are what do I do with the boys? Things like daycare for children w/autism? What about getting them to school and therapy since I'm the one that takes them? The fact that WE decided this was how we were to raise the boys and HE made a decision and changed all that. What about their medical expenses? They max out their insurance by April every year. Self paying is outragously expensive.

My WH makes a very good living but I have already looked into child support in my state and it's so little compared to their expenses. Also what about when they turn 18 but are still dependant on me for the rest of their lives? Does child support end when they turn 18 or continue?

Anyone at all out there been through this? I've tried to get answers from other boards as well and have gotten no where. I find it hard to believe I'm the only person in this situation. If anyone can help or point me in the right direction for information, I'd sure appreciate it.

WH and I continue to work on M, but I'm getting my ducks in a row just in case. My boys and their care are my top priority.

Thanks so much!

Yes, it is sick that we are the ones that stayed at home fulltime to take care of our children. Same with me, I stayed at home to take care of my children, and he decided to play the field. So now I am divorced, and recovering from the shoulder surgery that he injured my shoulder. And looking into another shoulder surgery, next month I will know. I worked for my ex full time, with no pay. And he makes very very good money.

I would go through the courts and see what kind of help you can get for your sons as they turn 18. Given the fact that they are diagnosed with autism, should be enough evidence that they will need continuous care through their adult life. And that you did give up a good job to be a mother full time, for it was agreed to by the two of you. He can't just walk away from his committment and leave you with the care and financial state of your boys. He is 1/2 of the boys, and if he is a father, he will do his duty.

Sorry hon, this is terrible, how the wayward spouses treat their betrayed spouse.

Hi Jaded----

I don't know that my child is classified as special needs, but I consider her to be through a life threatening illness that she has had.

The month before, to the day, that my daughter got sick, I found out X was having affair.
We went through her illness not sharing the knowledge of his affair to anyone.
We almost lost our daughter, and yet, he continued his affair.

My daughter will always have needs that go beyond ordinary for most children. She takes medication daily, and will for the rest of her life.

We had relocated to where we live presently.
I had also quit working when we relocated here, for his job.
It was a joint decision that made sense. We did not know anyone to take care of our children, and it was a chance for me to raise them myself.

Now that I'm divorced, I may need to get a job.

Through the divorce. My spouse, though it was never discussed in our marriage, suggested that I get a job to help meet finances.

To me, it's troubling.
My daughter calls me from school at times, with needs.
When she is sick, she needs to be monitored carefully.
We don't have family around to help keep them when they are sick.

At this point, he is once again suggesting that I get a job.
This is the man that I let work all hours to better himself, and move up, only to get slapped in the face with two affairs from work.
I supported him with his job, and here I am.

I don't see how I can work.
I have not worked in 7 years, and anyone well knows, employers have a hard time with absenteeism. You have to prove your self worth for them to know you are worth it to them.
I don't feel I can be dependable.
My children come first.

I'm sure my X wouldn't think of taking the day off to take care of either of our children if they were sick.

As far as alimony and child support. I came out pretty well, and have not had to get a job up to this point.
I agree with Faith. I would stress to your attorney your needs, and situation. Make sure you and your children are taken care of.

I wish you the best.
K

Thanks for the replies. I am trying to get as much info as I can w/o an attorney. I have no money to pay for one, and no credit cards either. So getting advice from them, I want to make sure I'm really going to make the decision to divorce.

I understand what you're saying Karona especially about illness and who's going to watch them if I'm working and WH is no where around. My kids get so sick every winter. They don't miss days of school they miss up to a week or more. And one gets sick and the next week it's the other one! How can I possibly hold a job AND take care of sick children? Also you mentioned alimony. I've only been married 6+ years and we live in a community property state. I don't think they'll give me anything. I've done the child support calculator for our state and the amounts are just horrible. There is no way, even with me working and making exaclty what I did over 4 years ago (not likely!) that I could cover all their expenses, even with his child support. I'll likely have to work two jobs but who's going to watch my boys at night??? When do I get to spend time with them? Etc.... I am a HUGE part of their therapy. I work with them at home and have had many hours of training to provide them with the type of therapy/education they need. What will happen to them when I won't be able to put in those hours with them anymore? How much regression are they going to go through? UGH! This all just blows (sorry). WH isn't going to help with anything other than his child support. Outside of that, nothing! And that's fine by me. I really don't want him near them since he's absent minded and has put their lives at risk in the past.

I'm going to keep digging for stuff on the net. Nothing I've found so far gives me a good feeling that leaving is even an option for me if I want my boys to succeed and keep getting the therapy they need. I'm just very angry at him for chosing this life for all of us.

Jaded,

I feel for you, and the position you seem to be in.

I'm wondering though,
does you H have insurance right now that covers the boys expenses for their care and therapy?
If so, most likely, he will still cover them.
That is how it worked in my case. My X covers my daughters medical.

I know how important it is for children with Autism to keep their lives as they know it. It would be awful to remove you from what they know.
I think that would be a step backward for them, and I feel for you.

I'm not familiar with the community property thing that you mentioned.
I didn't find the calculaters helpful when I was trying to figure this whole mess out.
It wasn't until they calculated my temporary relief, (while waiting for the divorce to go through) did I know what I would be getting.

I was surprised though.
I'm not sure about the lawyers.
My lawyer gave me a dollar amount for alimony, and said, there is little to No room to move.
Well, when it came down to it, that was the furthest from the truth.
My X said he would not pay it, and then my lawyer asked me what I wanted to counter with.
At that time in my life, I wasn't sure if anything in my life made sense. I thought I must have made up what he had said to me.

I had to give up a few hundred a month. It's amazing how this all works, and we were the injured parties in my opinion.

Divorce through lawyers is not cheap.
Mine was a pretty simple case, and it cost 5,700.
I didn't have the funds either.
I had to borrow from my brother. We had a home. When we sold it, I used my share to pay my attorney fees.

I know you are not sure what direction you are headed, and I'm not by any means telling you that is the route to take.
I'm just giving info. since I have been through it recently.

I wish you the best.

K

I have 6 kids, two with mild special needs, and one with special needs that closer to moderate. I was a SAHM for several years before he left.

My H's abandonment has completely destroyed my children's way of life. My kids have to spend way too much time without me (the older ones are old enough to babysit). For someone with special needs kids, or even typical kids if you have more than one or two, single parenting and working is horrible. Just managing the homework that my youngest brings home from her regular classes and special needs therapists is a nightmare.

Alimony is not an option in my state when one is getting child support for more than a couple of kids. The custodial parent typically gets scr**d financially. All the NCP has to do is manage to lose his job, and he never has to pay a significant amount of child support again. My H's income went down by about two thirds but that was fine with the court - he is not required to seek employment comparable to what he used to have because he is "too old" - four whole years older than I am.

Jaded,

I do not have special needs children, but work in special ed at school.

I was a SAHM for close to 20 years worked odd jobs here and there but never a career. Didn't have the skills. Did home daycare for 10 years.

Married to career military for 21 years. I wrote a letter that went with the papers to the judge on how it had been a joint decision that I stay at home and give the kids one stable parent as xH's career made him travel alot. How it was that I supported him and his career and for went one of my own at the time.

I stated to xH and lawyers what the $$$ amount was that I would accept as support and alimony per month, we negotiated and hassled back and forth till I got what it was I was really willing to accept. I got both alimony and child support.

Be very specific with what you want in the divorce papers, list a specific visitation schedule with holidays included, he needs to spend time with his kids and you need the break, list out all medical that you expect him to pay, dental and orthodontics too, how many appointments he will take them to each year. Estimate the monthly expenses if you were to go back to work for the boys care. Could you stay at home and work?

Make sure that you get guardianship papers drawn up on the boys, do it now with this lawyer (one time bill, also drop up your will with who will take responsiblility for the boys and whether child support should continue and where it is your insurance is to go) this allows you to make decisions for them after the age of 18, along ways down the road I know but very important. Special needs kids usually qualify for SSI benefits, check Social Security. In alot of states they are also picked up on state insurance. Schools will provide services and transportation to those services.

Check with the state there are special daycares for kids with special needs, alot of time there is a waiting list though.

I also got xH to pay for my life insurance policy, that is important as if something happens to you where and who do the boys go to and do they pay for their care.

Don't go with the first lawyer that you talk to, write down all of the things that are important for you to have in the divorce and go through the list with each lawyer, interview at least 3, you are going to need a good one that can deal with the special needs of your boys.

I don't mean to be cruel, but has there been any link to your husband and the 3 boys having the problems that they have? It could be used in court if it would come to that. Like I said not being cruel just putting things out there for you to examine.

Am not sure if any of this has helped or not, whatever you do don't lose sight of the boys and what is best for them!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Karona:
<strong> Jaded,

I'm wondering though,
does you H have insurance right now that covers the boys expenses for their care and therapy?
If so, most likely, he will still cover them.
That is how it worked in my case. My X covers my daughters medical.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H does cover them and will continue to do so as long as he's working. However the benefit the boys use maxs out by April of every year. That leaves us to self pay for the remainder.

Daybreak - My H won't be seeing the kids. I'll be moving to another state (3000 miles from here!). If he ever does fly out to see them, it'll only be once a year, if that! I already know what to expect based on how he treats my stepson. He almost never talks to him unless I mention to call him. And hasn't seen him since last summer.

You had an excellent idea to go ahead and get their guardian ship papers done now. Makes sense to do it all at once. Also I had no idea there were daycares specifically for special needs kids. I'll have to look into that. The really bad thing here is that if I move back east, it's a real small town. I'm here in the city now and the programs and benefits for the kids through the school district are much better. I shutter to think what they'll get in the hick town I grew up in!

Also you mentioned SSI benefits. You're right. If I divorce they will qualify. We don't qualify now b/c of H's income level. But w/o that, they'll get it. But I can tell you it's not much at all!

Thank you also for the advice on hiring an attorney. I've never done that before so it's good to know to shop around.

You also asked about a link b/t the boys problems and H. Totally! On H's side of the family there are 14 neices/nephews/his kids total. Out of these 14 kids only 2 do not have special needs! I was NOT aware of this when we decided to start a family. H did not tell me much about the mental health of his family and they live about 2000 miles away so I don't really know them. I do know he has a nephew that is autistic as well (much older than my boys). Plus most have been dx w/ADHD which I think is more likely Asperger's not ADHD. My own H's mom says H has ADD. H read the description for Asperger's for his own son(my stepson) and now thinks that's what he has as well! So this is deeply imbedded in his genes. As for using that against him? If he plays dirty with me and tried to force me to stay out here b/c of the boys, yes I will use that and many other things against him. My H hasn't lived a very "clean" life and is not a stellar father to any of his kids. I have people who I can call upon to back me up if necessary too.

My take on it is that he messed with the wrong perosn. I'm not a good person to deal with when I've been sc*ewed over.