Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on these boards. I hope you can help me make sense of these feelings. I am 22 years old (23 in August) and H is 27. We will have been married 4 years this October 28th. We have one daughter. I am working and in college right now. My H and I both work in warehouses, although not the same companies.

For the last two years H and I have been having a lot of issues. He has begun talking a lot about religious issues. I am religious myself, but this new zeal for righteousness of his has really gone beyond what I can accept. He is determined that I conform to his new lifestyle.

He also refuses to allow me any personal time for myself and becomes extremely volatile and accuses me of family abandonment anytime I try to be alone. I am hardly ever apart from this man. He says I do not need friends other than him. He hates my mother. He hates my friends. He is an equal opportunist because anyone spends time with me is a threat to his dominance.

He is a poor lover. I know that seems a cheap shot and I admit that. However, he always satisfies himself and then acts indignant and claims that I should be satisfied because he is. I am so disgusted by this self serving nature he has that I will not sleep in the same bedroom with him.

I loved him. I am not in love with him anymore. Last week I came home and he blew up at me in the garage because he could not wait for me to come into the house. I had worked all day and all I wanted to do was go upstairs and change and see our daughter. He began guilting me for being late, etc.. It was during this latest tirade that I felt...nothing. Normally, I would feel guilty. I am an internalizer by nature and when he starts in on me I feel overwhelmed. I looked at him with his narrowed eyes and his finger pointing at me and I thought, I do NOT have to take this anymore. I am a grown woman, this man is not my father, if he loved me, he would not scream at me daily.

I was so shocked by my lack of response. And to be honest he was, too. He is so used to tears, backing down, etc that he was thrown off. He won't say that, but I know that is what disconcerted him. He needs my submission to feel good about himself. I looked at him and I told him that because he refuses to attend counseling and because he refuses to work on any issues in our marriage I refuse to be belittled.

Since this last argument I have been thinking seriously of a seperation. I am not in love with him. For years when I would think of myself without him I would feel so panicked, so lost. Now, I am at peace. I would rather be alone with my daughter than his personal emotional punching bag. I would say I would like to work this out, but the accumulated hurts of four years make me hesitant to consider this. He has over the years, made very short attempts to reform. He only attempts to keep me from leaving.

I know I am rambling, but any advice for those of you who have been there? I am so tired. I am so empty. I just want peace. I cannot leave for another year until I finish my degree because I cannot afford to support myself and my daughter. I would not deny him the right to see her because despite his attitude towards me, he loves her and is a great father. I feel somewhat disgusted with myself for staying in the marriage until I am financially stable, but I feel justified in wanting the best possible start for my daughter and myself.

I just don't know what to do.

Beyond Caring

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: BeyondCaring ]</small>

Beyond,

I want to welcome you to MB. You have found a good place with lots of friendly helpful people. Stories are similiar that's for sure.

I am not sure you are at the right forum however, you will find more response over on the General QuestionII board or the Just found out board. It doesn't sound like there is a third party in this as yet, be careful you are very vunerable and ripe for an unscrupoulis (sp) person to take advantage of.

Sounds like some lights might have turned on for you through your H last tirade. That is good!!! You do not deserve to be treated the way he was treating you, setting boundaries for yourself is important. I am sure your H is not going to like that, be careful!!!

Read everything that there is to read on this site, there is so much good information. You may not feel like trying on the marriage right now and that might be ok, however you may regret later not having tried. Read the materials here, work on a plan A for yourself, make the changes for you and see if your H does not come around.

God's Blessings to you!! Pray it's a powerful thing!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are in a marriage with an abusive man. I am too but mine is not as bad currently as yours sounds. Here's a great book I recommend. Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft This guy works with abusive men. THey are real hard to treat

THe marriage buildrs principles hear are great. THEy have helped me survive. But they do not work too well with abusers and Dr. Harley evidently mentions somewhere on the site from what someone else said that the abuse has to stop for the MB principles to work. That sounds right to me becasuse if I do these MB principles religiously my H is real happy but I am miserable after a while because he just takes advantage of me more. A normal man wants to give more back when you meet his emotional needs. An abuser just takes more. But you can use the MB principles when you need to get him calmed down and stuff. It seems to help in that way. But reallly for these type guys it seems to be a stop gap until they can really get help or you can escape.

I undrstand why you want to stay until your degree is done. A word of advice. If you end up feeling there is no hope and you must leave, keep your mouth shut and try to go along as best you can. I find it so very hard but it makes my life so much esier when I do that

Be real careful if you leave becasue that is when it can be the most dangerous.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BeyondCaring:
<strong> Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on these boards. I hope you can help me make sense of these feelings. I am 22 years old (23 in August) and H is 27. We will have been married 4 years this October 28th. We have one daughter. I am working and in college right now. My H and I both work in warehouses, although not the same companies.

For the last two years H and I have been having a lot of issues. He has begun talking a lot about religious issues. I am religious myself, but this new zeal for righteousness of his has really gone beyond what I can accept. He is determined that I conform to his new lifestyle.

He also refuses to allow me any personal time for myself and becomes extremely volatile and accuses me of family abandonment anytime I try to be alone. I am hardly ever apart from this man. He says I do not need friends other than him. He hates my mother. He hates my friends. He is an equal opportunist because anyone spends time with me is a threat to his dominance.

He is a poor lover. I know that seems a cheap shot and I admit that. However, he always satisfies himself and then acts indignant and claims that I should be satisfied because he is. I am so disgusted by this self serving nature he has that I will not sleep in the same bedroom with him.

I loved him. I am not in love with him anymore. Last week I came home and he blew up at me in the garage because he could not wait for me to come into the house. I had worked all day and all I wanted to do was go upstairs and change and see our daughter. He began guilting me for being late, etc.. It was during this latest tirade that I felt...nothing. Normally, I would feel guilty. I am an internalizer by nature and when he starts in on me I feel overwhelmed. I looked at him with his narrowed eyes and his finger pointing at me and I thought, I do NOT have to take this anymore. I am a grown woman, this man is not my father, if he loved me, he would not scream at me daily.

I was so shocked by my lack of response. And to be honest he was, too. He is so used to tears, backing down, etc that he was thrown off. He won't say that, but I know that is what disconcerted him. He needs my submission to feel good about himself. I looked at him and I told him that because he refuses to attend counseling and because he refuses to work on any issues in our marriage I refuse to be belittled.

Since this last argument I have been thinking seriously of a seperation. I am not in love with him. For years when I would think of myself without him I would feel so panicked, so lost. Now, I am at peace. I would rather be alone with my daughter than his personal emotional punching bag. I would say I would like to work this out, but the accumulated hurts of four years make me hesitant to consider this. He has over the years, made very short attempts to reform. He only attempts to keep me from leaving.

I know I am rambling, but any advice for those of you who have been there? I am so tired. I am so empty. I just want peace. I cannot leave for another year until I finish my degree because I cannot afford to support myself and my daughter. I would not deny him the right to see her because despite his attitude towards me, he loves her and is a great father. I feel somewhat disgusted with myself for staying in the marriage until I am financially stable, but I feel justified in wanting the best possible start for my daughter and myself.

I just don't know what to do.

Beyond Caring </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Controlling. Such a dangerous-to-define thing. I've been accused of it before... sometimes, unjustly. My attempts at being 'controlling' were, in part, to bring some kind of balance back to the marriage when certain things got out-of-control. Most of time, it was over her excessive alcohol use, or her refusal to talk things out when I was attempting to be reasonable.(punishing a loved one with silence over a simple question is one of the worst things you can do to them)
But, there were times when I did it because I was just plain angry, and out-right wrong. I don't know why I get like that... but, I'm trying to stop... it's working so far.

Anyone can change. Motivate him to seek help any way you can. If you loved him once, there is still hope.

I'm not very wise... but, I know how it feels to be rejected by a woman when I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. It's horrible, painful, and agonizing. I'm working my a** off to try and fix what went wrong before it's too late.
I think you should get yourselves to marriage counselling. There may still be hope. You never know. Nothing to lose, possibly everything to gain.

Another good book is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.
This book gives ways to counter the abuse - that is to try to stop it by setting boundaries.
I know you don't have time for yourself now, but this is when you need it most. Try to get an individual counselor for yourself to work on these issues.
I agree that MB principles don't work with "abusers" but MB principles can help you become a better person to your husband and to others. So read the concepts and try to understand and implement them.
I know I used alot of books on tape from the library because I just couldnt' read books on the topics fast enough.

Good Luck.

daybreak & little girl- I posted a reply to you on General questions.

Jarod- I did love him, but now I regard him with something approaching mild contempt. He is callous, mean, self-centered and thinks of no on other than himself. I know I am in part to blame for this behavior because I do not like conflict and let him bully me for most of our relationship. For the record, I do not smoke or drink. I am home every night as soon as my car can get me there from work. I have given as much as I can and more.

newly- Thanks for the book suggestion. I am so tired of the abuse. it seems like I am not real anymore. I get in my car at work and sit there gripping the steering wheel just wishing for a new life. I don't want to start the car because its the first step back to screamsville. I have tried many times over the years to explain how hurtful, destructive, etc his behavior is. I think I went about it the wrong way. When I say how this hurts me, he becoms defensive and sarcastic. I suppose I need better coping mechanisms.

Today was not so bad. I came home and when he opened the front door he immediately asked me why I was late again. I can see that he is trying to determine just how far he can push me. I did not say much in response, just sort of shrugged it off. I am not going to let him bait me.

One statement to learn:
"You may be right"

Even if you don't agree with what he's said, it makes it sound like you agree.