Hello,
I've just learned that keeping my WH cereal cheating a secrect is rely helping him out. I see it so clearly now. I dont know how to go about it the best way. Should I tell him first that I'm going to tell everyone or don't tell him & do it. Either way, he is going to be FURRIOUS W/ me. Especially for telling the kids. He is very adamant a/b them not knowing. They do know that at one time he was unfaithful to me. None of his family & most of his friends are aware. They might suspected something and he told me that he was thinking a/b telling his younger sister. ( He doesn't get along w/ his older sister.) But that has been months ago. We have been sep. for 1 yr. & 7 months. Our divorce will be final in weeks.(I filed. Didn't want to, but had no choice) I gave him my word that I wouldn't tell the kids when we frist decided to break up. Every time I mention a/b telling the kids anything, I see fear come over him. He rely does love them (just not their mother) and doesn't want them to hate him. (mainly our oldest ones : 18 & 16.) They are close and protective of me. My 18yr S doesn't have a realationship w/ his dad @ all. He says he doesn't want his family & friends to know b/c he is embarrassed to be divorced. (I think also b/c I kicked him out.) Also he has no idea that I have his "girlfriends" phone#. I think they are broken up.( see my thread " feel so used" if need more info on that.) Finally, I'm a/b to write a plan B letter and cut off all contact. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

(((rejected1)))

I'm curious, what positive impact will telling everyone have upon you, your STBX, and your children's lives?

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</small>

Hello losthusband,
Thanks so much for your question. I have to be honest, I realy had to search myself ( or shall I say my motives) to answer your question. Here is what I found: When I read the part about Plan A, Plan A & being a doormat in the new comers section, I saw how I was doing some things wrong according to it. I feel by telling my chilren and his family that I am respecting myself. I have been living a lie in front of everyone for the past year & 7 mon. I HATE lies. I think it will take the load & pressure off me. I feel If they know, then I can ask for support to end the A & maybe help us, or @ least him. Because I have been afraid of upsetting him in this and other areas, he has emotionaly abused me. I'm tired of him thinking that I am getting by w/o this hurting me. And frankly, I want his main A to stop! This might help.
As far as my husband, I think this will, like it was stated, "break the shroud of secrecy and protection" I've been helping him maintain & he will finally have the opprotunity to take responsiblity for what he is doing. My husband has a challenge w/ sexual lust. How can it be helped if it is not confronted, & even covered up. I feel I've been a "co-dependent" or something for him. Even if we never get back together, I want the best for him. I to see him happy & healthy. This is a start.
For my kids, I feel this will give them the "gift of honesty". Like I stated before, I hate lies and I have taught them (even punished them) not to lie. Yet, they have seen Mommy "pretend" that she & daddy are still together in front of his family @ all the holidays & family functions. They Know daddy isn't home any more but don't know why. It has effected them. Even my oldest son who is't close to him. I think they will respect me for trusting them and tell them the truth.
Just so you know, I don't want to tell all the gorey details or make him out to be the bad guy. I just want the truth to be known and whatever that can be fixed, to be fixed. I just want boundaries to be set and my self respect back. Hope that helps and I'm open to your response. P.S. Sorry I took so long to answer. I've been real busy w/ the kids. I though w/ them on vacation I would have less to do. NOT!!!! Take care. R1.

(((Rejected1)))

I’m going to ramble a little bit and hopefully there will be some thinking points in there somewhere. 1st off, I was a adult/child of divorce. My parents started having serious problems while I was in the home and divorced when I was around 23. I knew everything from my Mom. Due to that “one-sided” knowledge, 11 years later I still don’t have a meaningful relationship with my father. As a matter of fact we spent about 6 years not talking at all. Our relationship today is friendly to say the most. But because of the situation both of us have said and done many damaging things. I know my father loves me and I love him but a road block was surely placed in the way.

As for my kids, I’ve never lied to them and do believe in age appropriate openness. And no I have not told them of their mom’s affair. After looking through my marriage I can see that the affair was only a piece of the puzzle that lead to the eventual divorce. And I saw that many of those puzzle pieces had my name on them as well. One thing I will say is that kids are smart and they will figure things out without outside prejudices. If one of my girls came and asked me straight out if their mom had an affair, I would not lie but I would give an age appropriate answer. I would probably also take the time to go through some of my short comings as well. I don’t feel this is enabling my X, but do feel that it allows my girls to see a full picture instead of a one sided picture.

I’m just saying in my experience that I don’t find it necessary to tell the world. If there were positive results for my children that would result I’d rent an airplane and have it written in the sky, but I can’t see any positives that are not rooted in selfishness.

Just my couple cent’s worth….

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Thanks LH once again for your thoughtful input. Sorry I've taken so long to get back to you & I don't have time now! But I will sometime over the weekend. Take care!!!!!!
R1

Hey LH,

Finally getting back to you. I too had to deal w/ my parents separation as an adult/child. My mom did, and still to this day, bashes him & never tells her part either. I hate it and don't do it. I think I might have gone the extreme and have not said anything. Yes, I was going to tell them my sort comings too. I tried a few months back to get my WH, (us together), To tell the kids whats going on, but he refused. My 8 yr. old D had asked me a question & I told her she would have to ask her dad. She started to cry & said, "I do, but he always tells me to ask you."

After reading your post, I've decided not to tell the kids for now. I want to though, & eventually will.

You know, the hardest thing I've been dealing w/ (besides all the A's) is the fact that he wouldn't & still won't get any kind of help. I know I did many things wrong through out our relatoinship, but I think our marrage, and our family is worth one try. When I read HNHN I cried for a whole week. I finally understood the things he had been telling me for years. It broke my heart to know that I had caused him so much pain when I though I was the only one suffering. I also was amazed at how he knew how I felt. I was so ready to do the program. I thought I had finally found a way to make my H happy. I showed him the book and told him I was willing to do EVERYTHING he told the wife to do. I siad he would read it, but nothing. I tried some other things but still nothing. Next thing I know, I'm prgnant ( which I did just to please him) & he tells me he wants to separate permanantly, not divorce. He starts to tell me how he realy feels a/b me. He only told me a/b the one night stands b/c I kelp having medical problems that pointed to it. But in my spirit, I knew he was emotionally & sexualy involved w/ someone.

Anyway, sorry for going on. I realy don't have anyone I can talk to a/b this. I am going to tell his family though. I can't take being around them and acting ("lying") that we are together. Not one more time! so, that leads me to my origial question. Do I tell him that I'am going to do so, or not. If I leave it to him,he won't.

Thanks again for all your input. I wish u & yours the very best!

correction: He said he would read the book, but nothing. Sorry, I'm realy sleepy!!!!!!

(((R1)))

I pray the weekend found you well. Have you written your Plan B letter?

As far as telling the family, that's one that I can't comprehend because I never had a good relationship with my in-laws. I've only seen them once for a couple hours in the 3 years since the divorce.

I guess if I were in a situation where I had a relationship with them and felt the need to justify the situation in some way then I would do it without "totally" bashing my mate (may not even have to mention the affair for them to realize what is happening), afterall that may put them on the defensive and hender what relationship you have left with them.

Would I tell my X. Provided I had a good relationship with the in-laws and conversed with them regularly then I probably wouldn't. But again, I would tell the in-laws in such a way that it would allow them to explore the situation and form their own opinion.

Not having to deal with that part of the equasion, my opinions are just that. As you can see, I'm real big in allowing people to make their own opinions/judgements with the opportunity to gather their own information. Many times I find that they really just don't want to know and have the ability to twist and turn information that is offered against what they want to think.

It's a tough situation and please know you and your family are in my prayers.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Hey LH,
Thanks once and again for the great words of wisdom. And no, I haven't done the letter yet. I have to be honest, I've been putting it off. My situation is very different from the norm. I don't see how I can have totally no contact w/ him @ the moment. But, I will write, post, & let you judge it.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I did have a wonderful weekend. I actualy got some time for myself and cashed in on some gift card I received Christmas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> When sxtb came over to visit the kids, I was all dolled up in my new gear. He asked me if I was going out on a date. I told him, "When you start telling a/b your dates, I'll tell you mine." I know, LB. I said it w/ a smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The funnies you posted are great. I realy enjoyed all of them. Bye 4 now.
R1

Hey LH,
Thanks once and again for the great words of wisdom. And no, I haven't done the letter yet. I have to be honest, I've been putting it off. My situation is very different from the norm. I don't see how I can have totally no contact w/ him @ the moment. But, I will write, post, & let you judge it.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I did have a wonderful weekend. I actualy got some time for myself and cashed in on some gift card I received Christmas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> When sxtb came over to visit the kids, I was all dolled up in my new gear. He asked me if I was going out on a date. I told him, "When you start telling a/b your dates, I'll tell you mine." I know, LB. I said it w/ a smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The funnies you posted are great. I realy enjoyed all of them. Bye 4 now.
R1

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rejected1:
<strong>"When you start telling a/b your dates, I'll tell you mine." I know, LB. I said it w/ a smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How kewl is that? I can post jokes but life is awesome and funny. I had a funny one similar to that but it was a little to personal to post.

Have a great weekend and remember to take some time for yourself.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers