Comments on letter to WH regarding separation agreement. Note: WH will be receiving a large sum of money from his father's estate. We were going to use it to pay off our mortgage and not have any debt. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. This is so sad this is happening.

Dear WH,

I found the Separation Agreement on the internet and thought it was the perfect form that we could agree on in order to avoid seeing an attorney. If and when I do go see an attorney, it won’t be for a Separation because it would be a waste of money.

Here are some questions I would ask that you think about before you decide how you want to handle this.

#1. Do you think it is fair for our marriage to end with me having debt and you not having debt? I worked so hard for 2 years to get us out of debt. I also supported you while you were making career changes and earned significantly less than you did the year before. I am going to end up with a mortgage unless I rent and I imagine that you will buy a house and pay cash. That doesn't seem fair to me.

#2. Do you think it is fair for me to have a mortgage and have to purchase additional household furnishings? I know you want some of the household furnishings. If that happens, not only do I have to get a mortgage, I will also have to buy furniture. That doesn't seem fair to me.

#3. Why should mom be in debt and dad be debt-free?
We aren’t this way while married. I already have to go back to work full-time just to earn a decent living and the children have to go back to full-time daycare. That is not a minimal change in their lifestyle when they have had their mommy home with them 4 days a week since January. Your dad was my father-in-law for 10 years and I got to know him very well. He liked me and talked to me all the time, probably as much or more than he talked to you. He would not have wanted this to be happening to our marriage.

I think we should end our marriage with equal debt and equal property. There is a statement in the Separation Agreement that the children should experience minimal changes in their lifestyle, if at all possible. It is possible, with the money you are receiving from your father's estate, that we can both provide the children with equal living arrangements and standards of living. I think it is in the best interest of the children to do so.

Please give these concerns some serious thought.
Thank you.

Sincerely,
BS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ?Moving On?:
<strong> Comments on letter to WH regarding separation agreement. Note: WH will be receiving a large sum of money from his father's estate. We were going to use it to pay off our mortgage and not have any debt. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. This is so sad this is happening.

Dear WH,

I found the Separation Agreement on the internet and thought it was the perfect form that we could agree on in order to avoid seeing an attorney. If and when I do go see an attorney, it won’t be for a Separation because it would be a waste of money.

Here are some questions I would ask that you think about before you decide how you want to handle this.

#1. Do you think it is fair for our marriage to end with me having debt and you not having debt? I worked so hard for 2 years to get us out of debt. I also supported you while you were making career changes and earned significantly less than you did the year before. I am going to end up with a mortgage unless I rent and I imagine that you will buy a house and pay cash. That doesn't seem fair to me.

#2. Do you think it is fair for me to have a mortgage and have to purchase additional household furnishings? I know you want some of the household furnishings. If that happens, not only do I have to get a mortgage, I will also have to buy furniture. That doesn't seem fair to me.

#3. Why should mom be in debt and dad be debt-free?
We aren’t this way while married. I already have to go back to work full-time just to earn a decent living and the children have to go back to full-time daycare. That is not a minimal change in their lifestyle when they have had their mommy home with them 4 days a week since January. Your dad was my father-in-law for 10 years and I got to know him very well. He liked me and talked to me all the time, probably as much or more than he talked to you. He would not have wanted this to be happening to our marriage.

I think we should end our marriage with equal debt and equal property. There is a statement in the Separation Agreement that the children should experience minimal changes in their lifestyle, if at all possible. It is possible, with the money you are receiving from your father's estate, that we can both provide the children with equal living arrangements and standards of living. I think it is in the best interest of the children to do so.

Please give these concerns some serious thought.
Thank you.

Sincerely,
BS </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hmmmm...... my separation agreement had nothing to do with divorce.
My wife and I agreed to spend 3 months apart, then move back in together.

Moving on,

Don't take any of my comments personaly. I am just going to try to pick this apart for you as If I were WH.

Hopefully I can offer something worthwhile.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> #1. Do you think it is fair for our marriage to end with me having debt and you not having debt? I worked so hard for 2 years to get us out of debt. I also supported you while you were making career changes and earned significantly less than you did the year before. I am going to end up with a mortgage unless I rent and I imagine that you will buy a house and pay cash. That doesn't seem fair to me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One thing that I learned a long time ago is to not ask a person what they think when you want them to agree with you. You realy need to tell them, in a sense what they think.

You also should take the emphasis off of what you did and how hard you worked

I'm sure you know that it isn't fair for our marriage to end without us both having an equal start. We worked so hard to get to where we are and this is going to be a big step back for me while you are able to continue foward.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">#2. Do you think it is fair for me to have a mortgage and have to purchase additional household furnishings? I know you want some of the household furnishings. If that happens, not only do I have to get a mortgage, I will also have to buy furniture. That doesn't seem fair to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again. Don't ask what he thinks and back off of the "I's"

I'm sure you don't want to leave me struggling with a mortgage or the added expense to replace household furnishings that you are entitled to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> #3. Why should mom be in debt and dad be debt-free?
We aren’t this way while married. I already have to go back to work full-time just to earn a decent living and the children have to go back to full-time daycare. That is not a minimal change in their lifestyle when they have had their mommy home with them 4 days a week since January. Your dad was my father-in-law for 10 years and I got to know him very well. He liked me and talked to me all the time, probably as much or more than he talked to you. He would not have wanted this to be happening to our marriage.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This first line should go all togethet. Stay away from comparing yourself to him. And definately don't compete with him over relationship with his dad.

Without the added debt of a mortgage,I may not have to go back to work full-time and the children,rather than have to go back to full-time daycare, can continue the lifestyle they have become acustom to. I'm sure your father would be proud to see you take care of your family and his grandchildren.

OK so I didn't just pick it apart, I re-wrote it in my own words. Just trying to keep things less selfish sounding and putting a little more emphasis on him understanding without you telling him.

Hope you get something out of this.

WIWH

Actually, after thinking about it a little, Maybe you're coming on to hard at the start.

I would just stick with something like this.

Dear WH,

I found the Separation Agreement on the internet and thought it would be a good start for us to start coming to an agreement on how we will handle things.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Just open the negotiations. You can work on the details later.

WIWH

In my state inheritances are not joint property and if kept in a separate account are the sole property of the individual.

This means that if H gets the inheritance and opens his own account, you would have no rights to any of the money.
If, however, he pays off the house, or puts the money in a joint account, it becomes a joint asset.

In a divorce, things get emotional, and noone thinks things are fair. The law is cut and dry on the inheritance issue. So don't be pushy, but hope he puts the money in a joint account.

I would STRONGLY suggest seeing an attorney, even if only for 1 hour, to get some advice about laws in your state. Especially as it relates to the inheritance. this is the time to get a lawyer involved, before money starts disappearing. Later, after the money is gone, will be too late.
Also, I agree with a comment above about just suggesting that he look at the seperation agreement that you found off the internet, and ask him what he suggests. You might be surprised. Right now you are assuming that he wants to "take the money and run" but he may still have an ounce of integrity left, and may want to do something to provide for you and the kids. By asking him to make his own suggestions first, you can see what his intent is (preferablly in writing!!) and go from there. When he gets to the point where he actually starts writing stuff down, he may want to give you more than you realize.
I was like you in the beginning, assumed that my WH was going to try to stick me with all the debt, take half of the assets, and live happily ever after. Turns out he did not want any of the furniture, and was willing to take on most of the debt becuase he was feeling so guilty. he didn't show it on the outside, but inside he knew that what he did was wrong. In fact, at the time he kept saying that the break up of our marriage was all MY fault. that if I had just been a better wife, he would not have been forced to have an affair (more than 1 actually), and he would not have left. He never showed any remorse - and still hasn't. But, when I asked him to give me, in wirting, a list of what he wanted in the divorce, he was actually more than fair.
In reading your above comments, I have to tell you what my WH's response would be - he would give me that same tired line that "life isn't fair, after all if you had been a better wife I would not have left, and none of this would have happened"
And guess what? That line of crap used to send me to my room sobbing for hours. It doesn't anymore. I see it for the crap that it is. you will too.
Borrow $200.00 and see an attorney while you still can.

Well Jeez....I wish I would have held off on giving him this letter until I had read some of your great comments. I am so impatient!

Newly,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If, however, he pays off the house, or puts the money in a joint account, it becomes a joint asset.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are no more joint accounts open. Those were closed soon after he moved out and opened his own account.

WIWH, great comments! Can I hire you to right my letters for me from now on? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WOF5,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would STRONGLY suggest seeing an attorney, even if only for 1 hour, to get some advice about laws in your state. Especially as it relates to the inheritance. this is the time to get a lawyer involved, before money starts disappearing. Later, after the money is gone, will be too late. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've already seen one and know a little, like newly stated the money he gets is not joint property, esp if he puts it in his own acct which he will because there are no more jt accts open. The money hasn't even been rec'vd yet. Don't know when it's coming. A month or two?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, I agree with a comment above about just suggesting that he look at the seperation agreement that you found off the internet, and ask him what he suggests. You might be surprised. Right now you are assuming that he wants to "take the money and run" but he may still have an ounce of integrity left, and may want to do something to provide for you and the kids. By asking him to make his own suggestions first, you can see what his intent is (preferablly in writing!!) and go from there. When he gets to the point where he actually starts writing stuff down, he may want to give you more than you realize. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, since I've already given him the letter, is it too late now? What should I do or say?

Jarod_Wynde,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> hmmmm...... my separation agreement had nothing to do with divorce.
My wife and I agreed to spend 3 months apart, then move back in together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We had no agreement like this. It was more like, he is leaving and doesn't know if he will ever come back, doesn't know if he loves me, doesn't know if he wants to be married to me. I don't know that I have a choice in the matter when it is so one-sided. Wish I did.

It occurs to me that I jumped in with my own advice on the assumption that you are not trying to work on the marriage. If you are trying to work on the marriage still, then my advice may be way off base.
My WH made it clear since day 1 that he was not coming back ever. So I asked him to give me a list, in writing, of what he wanted. For the first 2 months he insisted that we did not need a lawyer, that would be too expensive, we would jsut write it up, sign it, and file on our own. So I asked him for his ideas in writing. i explained to him that I was just too emotional to talk to him in person, and needed him to send it to me. I can still remember the pain I felt when I first opened the envelope. That was my first indication that he was not comeing back. So be prepared for the shock.
Perhaps, at this point, you could say (in an email if that is how you generally communicate)
"WH, could you please put together a list of what you would like to have written up in the agreement so I could take a look at it?"
One last note - I remember the pain like it was yesterday. But today I am SO MUCH BETTER. I am stronger, healthier, than I have been in years. I am happy again. My kids are happy. WH is not happy at this point, and I have only pity for him. I pray that you are coming to that same point in your life as well.

WOF5,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It occurs to me that I jumped in with my own advice on the assumption that you are not trying to work on the marriage. If you are trying to work on the marriage still, then my advice may be way off base. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was trying, but he is not and I can see from his actions that he doesn't want to work on the marriage so I am calling it quits. Your advice was good and you read me right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Perhaps, at this point, you could say (in an email if that is how you generally communicate)"WH, could you please put together a list of what you would like to have written up in the agreement so I could take a look at it?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He will not respond to any of my emails even if it is just about the kids so today I deleted his email address from my computer. I won't remember it so it will be harder to contact him that way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One last note - I remember the pain like it was yesterday. But today I am SO MUCH BETTER. I am stronger, healthier, than I have been in years. I am happy again. My kids are happy. WH is not happy at this point, and I have only pity for him. I pray that you are coming to that same point in your life as well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too. I can't wait till the day when I can look back on this and feel pity for him and what he gave up for nothing.

I think he is going to give me half of the money. I know he doesnt' have too but it is in the best interest of the children. I talked to him about how mommy and daddy will be able to have equal standards of living (both can have decent houses, etc). He asked me what I would do with the money. I said I wasn't going to spend it or blow it. I would probably use a large portion of it for a down payment on a house so I can have a cheaper house payment and I would start a college fund for both kids with some of it. If he gives me half, I will be so blessed, lucky. I told him he has been cheating on me our entire relationship and when is he going to do the RIGHT THING? I think he will do it. Let's hope.