We have decided to seperate. After 6-7 years of the rollercoaster ride of negitive emotions we've come to the end of workable solutions.

We have 2 young teens and I've been a stay at home mom for the last 16 years. I suffer from terrible major depression, see a counselor and take medicine for it.

STBX attended my last session and it was terrible. He is very defensive and will not take full responsiblity for anything. EA at work, making big decisions financially w/o telling me first. (I take care of the bills, he spends)
When he couldn't wiggle out of the situation in therepy, he attacked me to my counselor saying I have Borderline personality disorder. He clainms one time one of my shrinks hinted at that and he is convinced. I suffer from major depression and have had this diagnosis since age 14. The problem is that he read a book on BPD and he thinks he has to treat me a certain way. The way he treats me is hurtful and disrespectful. It shuts down all communication.

Last night after days of fighting I proposed that I would be going to a homless shelter until I could get on my feet. He didn't like that idea and scared me into staying their would be dangerous people there and I might get beat up, raped or robbed.

I have to get out. I spoke to my counselor and she said he has issues and needs counseling and help with the marriage that unless he is on board I will not be able to overcome my depression even on the meds because he is toxic to me and my recovery the way it is.

My kids are a mess never knowing if we are getting divorced or not. Who is staying and going and who they will live with.

The plan we agreed to last night is that the kids I will move out to a town where his sisters live about 90 miles away. It's a small town and rent is about half of what it is here. My kids have cousins there and my sisters in law are at the moment very supportive of me and very disappointed in their brother. The emotional and past physical abuse bothers them.

They have each opened their homes to me and the kids with out time limits and will help me find a place of my own. One suggests I apply for disability due to my depression and try to go to school. Something that has always been a dream of mine.

I figure the distance will be good as one other time I left for a month STBX borrowed the car and had copies of my apartment keys made and would come in when I was sleeping or gone. I never even knew until I returned to the marriage and he told me. With the distance, it would insure we would have less contact but still close enough that he can see the kids.

Right now we own our home but we are also in the middle of bankruptcy (filing soon) and I'm not sure how this will affect that.

I know since our budget is tight and the subject of money hasnt come up he thinks he won't have to give us any money. In the past he has told me he is not going to support 2 households. That I better go get a minimum wage job and see if I can make it on that.

Me staying home with the kids was the biggest mistake I ever made. (well aside from getting involved with him) When he met me I was a young single mom working and going to college for a degree in computers. By now I would have been able to support myself doing something I like. But instead I'm a 42 yo woman with no job skills, and no recent work history.

He makes just over 70,000 a year and thinks it's unfair for him to contribute to me and the kids. He has said in the past he was my meal ticket.
I found an online calculator for missouri child support and it calculated child support at almost 1100 a month. A friend told me that since I have been a SAHM with his agreement for the last 16 years that he may have to pay spousal support for a time until I can get on my feet. Is this true? And is it bad to ask for this? Another fear is that the kids and I all have medical problems and need health care and medicine each month. I was told he would have to keep the insurance on the kids and may have to keep it on me too. Is this true? I'm very worried about having to go with out my medicine.

So far he has agreed to everything and said it's for the best but I'm afraid to bring the issue of money up for fear things will get nasty again but with out his help I don't know how else to leave.

Another strange thing I was wondering about is a question he asked me while discussing the seperation. He asked if we are going to be living as married or not. I thought he was asking if he could see other women. I told him that if seeing other women was something he felt he wanted to to do then he should and that would give us the answer as to wheather or not we should go from seperation to divorce. He got kind of frustrated wiuth me and rephrased his question asking if *I* was going to be seeing other men. I told him that the thought had not even entered my mind and it hasn't. That is the last thing I need or want right now. The thought of another relationship makes me want to throw up. I think I could be content to be alone the rest of my life after this hell I have lived. I told him no.

Then last night he asked if he can sleep in our bed and I told him to do what hew wanted. He asked if I would sleep in there too for old times sake. We watched tv a few minutes and then ubrubptly put the moves on for sex. Afterwards he said he thinks we should still do that after we are seperated. WHAT does that mean?? I know what it means but why?? I don't get it.
Is this a normal part of breaking up? Anyone else have this sex thing happen just before a seperation?

Strange, I haven't been awake but a couple hours and already I'm exhausted just from thinking about all of this and how I'm going to manage it.

Any advice, comments or suggestions would be really appreciated.

He's angling for a big, wide beam on top of the fence, so he can sit there comfortably. He doesn't want you to date, he doesn't want to support you, and wants to have sex as though you had a real marriage.

Sound good to you?

ummm, sounds good for him but not for me.

Is this game playing on his part you think?

Big time game playing.
There is nothing wrong with getting spousal support. You are the classic reason why spousal support was creted. You stayed home, took care of things, thus allowing him to go out and pursue a career. You were counting on retirement, with him, someday. Don't let him walk away without taking care of you, and your future.

Please make sure he takes care of you and kids financially. It is his obligation and he makes enough money to do so. Check with an attorney. Mine told me not to go a month without getting financial support because if a judge sees that they will think you must not have needed it. I think you will at the minimum get temporary alimony until you get situated and a job. Unsure about the insurance though. Good luck and hang in there. Don't give him Sex. He's just using you for that.

I feel like I'm on a GD rollercoaster that won't even slow down enough for me to jump off!!!

I called and left messages at the schools for the special ed teachers to call me to discuss options and changing schools.

Called and requested the BK papers to get that rolling.

Called CSEA, The bar asso. and legal aid.

THEN in walks FIL!!!!! Small talk and I HAVE to get things done. He asks what's up so I tell him we're splitting up. So I have to listen to the talk about how much we have invested yada yada. Like I don't KNOW that already!! Finally he shuts up realizing he may be talking to his sons future enemy.

Now get this! STBX walks in from his counseling and gives me a hug and says how're you doing. I look at him strange and say fine. I gave the coffee to his dad and went to my room. He then walks in and tells me he needs to talk to me. I said I'm NOT fighting with you. He goes on to say that he wants to talk more when his dad leaves but that right now he needs to tell me that he thinks we are making big decisions in haste and he now realizes that he does need help and has been wrong and has a lot to make up for. That he was wrong to bring up the BPD and will never mention it again. I told him it didnt matter if he did or not that as long as he believes it he will continue to treat me like **** and I'm done taking **** from anyone. He said he's not a doctor and his counselor helped him to see how what he was doing was hurting me and our marriage and he doesn't think I have it. Whatever.

He went on to say that he wants to do the marriage builders program and go to marriage counseling along as well as individual counseling and he is begging me not to move out. He said he knows he has put me through the wringer and once I've made up my mind about something it's hard for me to change it but he wants me to give him the 6 weeks until school is out to make a decision about moving after I see that he is sincere. He even went so far as to say he'd pay for me to go to school.

I just shook my head in frustration. Why why why??? I hate this. I feel like a friggen yo yo. Leave stay leave stay........

I told him I will think about what he has to say but right now I'm going with my plan. He was disappointed but I can't help it. I want off this ride.
If he is that commited to getting help then he can do it weather I'm here or not. I just don't have much trust left anymore and definatly out of patients.

So, I'm off for the weekend to search for a place and get some peace. Keep your fingers crossed for me! And thanks for the vent!

Hope you all have a good weekend!