I am faced with the question of whether to terminate a marriage of almost a year or continue into a relationship where there is no more trust for my wife and there is a past track record of lies and manipulation.

I gave up a well paying career and my life in the south to go way out west to be with my wife. I loved her very much. Although she was very affectionate, she was controlling with money, parenting with my stepson, and would not let me have my say in family decisions. I felt like I was stepchild #2 being ordered and raised to do what she wanted me to do. When I would stand my ground she would be-little me. If that wasn't bad enough, she kept in contact with an ex boyfriend. I forgave her for cheating on me with him while we were still dating. I asked her not to keep contact with him many times but she continued to call him and he continued to call our house during my marriage to my wife. The exboyfriend's alterior motive is obviously to sleep with her again.

I had enough of that!

I was also frustrated becuase I was not able to hold down a dependable job becuase starting over financially was not easy. I lived in a house that her relative owned. We were rent free and I felt powerless as I was not able to support my family due to hard times and her out of control spending habits.

I went back down south by myself. I have had enough! We kept in touch over the phone. She tells me with God's help that she is going to hear me out more and that she will let me be the Godly head of the household as the bible says (I am not being chauvinistic, ladies, I promise.)She will also allow me to handle finances and wants to move down to the south with me.

I am staying with a relative now. I am considering divorce becuase I cannot trust her becuase she recently drove to visit her ex boyfriend at one of her friend's house. She clamis she was trying to tell him she didn't want him anymore. One night, he came into her house and he tried to have sex with her. She told me she did resist but I wonder if she really wants him or not. Also considering divorce becuase I gave up a lot to be with her and she hasn't acted like she appreciated me.

She went to counseling at our church yesterday and was told she should come down to where I am if she can arrange for shelter (my relative cannot support me and my family and I am trying to find good work again so I can get an apartment and send for her and her son) A transitional housing unit might be able to take her in my city right away. She wants to get a greyhound ticket and come down south. I need more time to think. I can't get her to wait for me to get re-established because she feels like God is telling her to go be with me. Yes i still love her and think things could work out but the past track record give me doubts. My relatives think I should seek a divorce becuase she's nothing but trouble and my life was worse since I traveled out west to be with her and becuase I was so unhapy. But I wonder that maybe this time things will be different and she will change. But then again, people don't usually change.

You have good reason not to trust her. She could have send her bf a NC letter or even phoned him to end any further contact. She did not have to drive over to where he was staying. It would seem that this relationship with him was more serious than just friendship. You didn't mention whether this is her second marriage and if so, what led to the divorce. Did this exbf have anything to do with her divorce. What kind of emotional baggage is she carrying. Is she in IC. If not she should be.

my first marriage, her second. She swears that she loves me exclusively and wants to be with me and make me happy. She tells me that God is dealing with her with changing her behavior. I want to believe her and give her the hundreth chance but I can't trust her. Maybe I should swallow my pride and learn to trust her?

yosh:

Write this down on the nearest available piece of paper: I agree with you!!!

answerman:

It sounds like you or your W, or both of you are very young. It doesn't matter all that much if you are, it just might explain some of this self-destructive behavior you've described.

Now, then. What 2 do? The best counselors would NOT suggest divorce - that has 2 be your decision. One thing you might try is 2 be emotionally supportive of your W, while you do research on how 2 survive an affair and get yourself on a secure emotional footing. Don't be 2 ready and willing 2 just take her back. She will have 2 demonstrate an ability 2 be consistently trustworthy and desirous of doing whatever it might take 2 rebuild your marriage. That's not an easy thing for ANYONE 2 do. But if you and she are willing 2 do the hard work it will take, the rewards will be well worth it.

Take things slowly. Watch. Be compassionate but don't set yourself up for another painful experience.

Good coaching or counseling (preferably from one of the Harleys - the originators of this site - or Penny Tupy - trained by the Harleys) will work wonders.

best,
-ol' 2long

answerman:

TRUST has 2 be EARNED. And trust is earned by being TRUSTWORTHY.

Simple, but not necessarily easy.

-2long

her first divorce was becuase it wasn't really serious. It was just a sexual fling becuase she was eighteen and she looked to men to make her happy. She had bad things happen in the past with men in her life. There was bad situtaions that happened to her as a child and I don't want to go into too much detail with this our of respect for her. I knew she had baggage coming into the marriage but she assured me things would be good. I am so sorry this stuff happened to her but it's as if she was using her baggage as excuses for her behavior. Now she says she is wanting to be different but there was so much damage done in the relationship that I wonder if it's even worth it. At the same time I love her like crazy and want it to work. Am I nuts?

Answerman,

No you are not nuts, but confused. Let's think about this 2L gave you some good advice. Permit me to ask you a few questions. You said she wants to be different, but does she have a plan to be different? If not, she won't be.

She wants to wants to overcome the baggage she has from her youth, but does she have a plan to do so? If not, it won't change.

Answerman, I want to lose weight, but it won't happen until I pick a diet and go do it.

Nothing has or will change until she decides to make a change and has a plan for it. It seems that she has some religious convictions. Good! A place to start is with her pastor or a counselor at the church. That is where she should begin to work through what has gone on in her childhood, and now. Until she does something her coming to you will NOT help. She will be away from family (I presume the reason she lived out west as family), she will be alone, and she won't be living with you.

Do you think you would like that situation, she won't. She should NOT come until many things are settled including you getting a job.

Answerman, take one step at a time. First step is get a job. Second step is get a place to live. Third step work with her to get some counseling where she lives. Next, step a NC letter should go to exBF if she is serious. At the same time you should find someone to counsel you as well.

You two have no children. It is likely she cheated on you and certainly is attached to ex some way. It is also clear she has NO idea about relationships and marriage. How is she going to learn that? I would recommend via her church and some reading.

There has to be a plan for each step or my feeling is that you will end up in the same place. Please think about this. There is no rush do this right.

God Bless,

JL