Hi everyone I had been with my WH for 20 yrs, married 10 we have two children 10 and 6. WH left after I discovered his A of all of 2 weeks and moved in with OW after another two weeks, they are still together. It has been six months of h£$$l as most of you will know. I did Plan A then went onto Plan B but without sending a PBL, I did not get the opportunity to. I have had to come out of Plan B because my FIL died so I have been in contact with WH for the last 2 weeks. I thought I did not have any feelings towards my WH and was doing okay but guess what I have and now I am not doing okay.

I had a conversation with WH yesterday which I did not plan on doing and basically he told me he has never loved me, I know a classic line and that he sees me as a friend. OW and WH just clicked and they want the same things out of life he told me. He told me that he was not happy with me and it was him not me, another classic line, and that he was looking for more and OW can give him this of course he cant tell me what. He says that he will be with the OW always alothough he is not planning on marrying her or haveing children yet. OW is desperate to have children but WH does not want anymore. When I asked him so you will have children with OW then if she is desperate for them he said not necessarily he cant answer this question either.

I guess I am posting on this board now because I cannot wait for someone who is not going to be there at the end of the day. I am the one who is getting hurt.

With regards to the children I have had to relent and let them go and stay at their house because they wanted to see their dad and if they are happy at their house, they should go. I have been kocked down on this one and I do agree that they should not learn from WH sordid affair. But it was making them unhappy not being able to stay with their dad and I was looking the ogre for stopping them.

I am moving on now without WH and I know I will be okay but I seem to have WH words of yeserday going round and round in my head I cant seem to stop them, any suggestions on how and when I will get better and over all of this.

Hello FI,

I do not know how long it will take you to feel better and get over this... we all have our own timing. BUT things will get better. Are you doing anything practical to give yourself a break from thinking too much... you can use any healthy distractions you can find! treat yourself to a coffe in a coffee shop, go to the gym, visit friends etc...
As for your children, I understand your sacrifice and you must be hurting so badly to have to leave them stay at their house. I have a question... Was that your house too? and if your H is the one who betrayed the family, maybe you should move back in and ask HIM to leave. I have chilrden ( 2 Boys) who were the same age as yours when I asked my ex to leave. I asked him to leave because what my boys needed was as much normalcy as possible in that time of chaos...I WAS NOT GOING TO LEAVE WHEN THINGS HAD CLEARLY FALLEN APART BECAUSE OF HIM. Right now, chances are that it's not their dad your kids want to be with, they just want to stay surrounded with the things they have known and are familiar to them... they need to be in their home, regardless of who is living there. They need to hang on to as much as possible of the world they know. Do this with intent: you want to be with your kids and you should be... then take your place, go to your house, kick him out and if he doesn't leave, stand your ground... your children need a balanced mother more than they need a wayward dad.

I really feel for you, and I will pray for your situation... I am not a marriage at all costs person... I believe there do exist situations where marriages have to end... especially when one's spirit is being threatenned... God cares for you and your well-being just as much as the next persons'... you will not be abandonned...

Peace be with you,
Odyssey

I am in the family home and do not intend to leave it. Sorry when I said their house I meant WH and OW's.

I see more of friends and family than I ever did and I am looking after myself and the children. This is something that Plan B has helped me do. I just fell off and need to get back onto it and then start to move on.

It just hurts so much to hear those horrible words that WH has said <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and to feel that I have wasted 20yrs of my life with him.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I know God hasn't intentially placed me in this position and knows what is best for me. All I can do myself is pray and wait for the next chapter in my life.

Hey,

Your right God hasn't intentionally placed you here, there, or anywhere. Life has! I truly believe that God is one of Grace, not of destruction, misery and despair.

I know it hurts to hear what you heard from your WH, but you know what? You haven't wasted 20 years of your life unless you want to. Through this whole thing, you have gained a wealth of strength, you have discovered things about yourself, about others and about human nature which you will share with your children along the way. You have known what it is to love deeply, you have gained the type of wisdom which only comes from, struggle, despair and personal survival. I could go on, bu the point is... those 20 years have not been waisted!!!
Take one moment at a time, nothing will be resolved today, don't try to figure it all out at once, and know that others are there to walk with you thru this whole ordeal...

May the peace of Christ be with you,

Odyssey

feelingit,

I havent posted in a while. I went throught this last year. The first time I let my kids stay in OW house was so hard. I do know now it was the right thing to do. The kids need that time with their dad. I have been married 20 years. I too wondered if I had wasted my life. Then I look at my kids and know they were created in love. Hold on to that. I'm now starting a new life. Everyone said it would get better,and it has. I still have bad days but not as offten. The best I can tell you is to do whats right rather than whats easy. After all it is our self we need to live with.

Kathy

Odyssey. I just cried again reading your post. I love my children dearly and would not change that aspect of my life at all. I dont think I would change anything about the 20yrs either. I just feel hurt, let down and betrayed by the one person I thought would never do it. He was and proberbly still is a serial cheater (6 times he left and this is the third A that I know of) I took him back time after time and the last time was horrible and he promised me he would never hurt me like that again but here we are again. This is why I think I have let myself down and wasted this time.

KP that you for your comments regarding the children I am doing this for them and it does hurt like mad but I have to sacrifice my feelings in order for them to be happy. I know deep down things will be easier and life will be restored in my household once more.

Hey,
I can certainly understand you in the context of your WH's multiple affairs and your sense of having wasted your time. Probably your youth as well. I can understand AND relate and I am here to tell you that if divorce is where you are at I fully support you and not blindly either. I was where you are now, except the circumstances were a little different. I am separated for over a year and flying Mach3 to divorce, embracing the freedom from a debasing situation and much despair. I'm here to tell you that life is not so bad "on the other side"... it just takes time to get there. I am happy and healed and know despite everything that my core of my being has not been destroyed, it has been renewed, restored, transformed... I am whole. I am not writing about me for no reason at all... I know for a fact that where you are a now, is so dark, seems so hopeless, you may not be able to imagine your life without your spouse right now... one day you may and will find that life and love await you even though it may not be in the context of your marriage... I promise!

AND... Remember... you are not alone in all of this!!!

God bless you and his love comfort you,
Odyssey