I am sorry I have to be here in this forum. You are all great company, but honestly I would rather be waking up next to her, having coffee together, walking together; sharing our daily life; but this time around with more depth than ever and total honesty. This is what I still long for even after a year divorced and 22 months in crisis.

But I continue to wait for the most difficult type of all people; a person who refuses to initiate or respond to anything. From time to time, I try to communicate with her; not in a pressureful way, but with honesty, patience, empathy and even a touch of humor. But she just gives nothing back. She just busies herself with work, spends a bare minimum amount of time in our children`s lives, and does not seem to care about anyone but herself.

But now I have reached the point which many of us must surely come to. I have to know what her true intentions are for the future. It must seem odd to all of you that I keep waiting for this woman after all this time, but I just had not figured out any other way. Now though, something has changed and I just must know.

Just recently on our one year divorce "anniversary", I sent her the following sincere message where I asked from her a direction. You see, she has never entirely discounted reconcilation. She has always considered it possible. But now, my waiting is over. The message I sent read:

"One year ago, I opened up an envelope which declared our marriage void. If you are certain that you will never want a future for us, please tell me and I promise you!, I will completely cease pursuing you and begin a new path. If however, you are still uncertain about what you want, plese tell me this also and I will continue to wait in faith. Think of all the years ahead. Aren`t we worth a second try?"

After nearly one week, I have received nothing back, absolutely nothing!! And I doubt I ever will receíve anything. She will just delay and delay until the whole meaning will be lost. The fact is that she does not know what she wants. But why? I have never known a more confused, indecisive, procrastinator in all my life. But, my message could not be clearer. I am asking her to make a decision; to either try again for us, or free me for good. The problem remains that she herself is chasing a "non-committer". The man she is pursuing refuses to make a decision with her and therefore she refuses to make a decision with me. Nasty triangle.

I have been sticking it out though for a reason other than my Love for her. We also have two children and I sincerely believe a reconciliation would be best for them.

Has anyone experienced this kind of frustraing non-communicative person? For 22 months, I have been Standing Patiently in front of a brick wall.

Do I re-send the message to her? Or do I take her non-response as an "I don`t know" response; which means that I just continue to wait? Maybe her silence means more than I think it does; or then maybe she just does no understand the gravity of my question, or then maybe then she just does not care.

Trying to Stand Patiently, but failing

Man, YOU HAVE GOT TO MOVE ON! She does not love you if she is not responding. Do you want to be her safety net forever?

I think it is OVER and you need to ignore her, no contact with her except about the kids and get on and live your own life WITHOUT HER.

Others will say differently and you deserve to have all opinions, but how long ya gonna wait? She is GONE, man GONE outta your life. please get that thought in your head.

You are precious, take your life and live it without her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingPatiently:
<strong> I am sorry I have to be here in this forum. You are all great company, but honestly I would rather be waking up next to her, having coffee together, walking together; sharing our daily life; but this time around with more depth than ever and total honesty. This is what I still long for even after a year divorced and 22 months in crisis.

But I continue to wait for the most difficult type of all people; a person who refuses to initiate or respond to anything. From time to time, I try to communicate with her; not in a pressureful way, but with honesty, patience, empathy and even a touch of humor. But she just gives nothing back. She just busies herself with work, spends a bare minimum amount of time in our children`s lives, and does not seem to care about anyone but herself.

But now I have reached the point which many of us must surely come to. I have to know what her true intentions are for the future. It must seem odd to all of you that I keep waiting for this woman after all this time, but I just had not figured out any other way. Now though, something has changed and I just must know.

Just recently on our one year divorce "anniversary", I sent her the following sincere message where I asked from her a direction. You see, she has never entirely discounted reconcilation. She has always considered it possible. But now, my waiting is over. The message I sent read:

"One year ago, I opened up an envelope which declared our marriage void. If you are certain that you will never want a future for us, please tell me and I promise you!, I will completely cease pursuing you and begin a new path. If however, you are still uncertain about what you want, plese tell me this also and I will continue to wait in faith. Think of all the years ahead. Aren`t we worth a second try?"

After nearly one week, I have received nothing back, absolutely nothing!! And I doubt I ever will receíve anything. She will just delay and delay until the whole meaning will be lost. The fact is that she does not know what she wants. But why? I have never known a more confused, indecisive, procrastinator in all my life. But, my message could not be clearer. I am asking her to make a decision; to either try again for us, or free me for good. The problem remains that she herself is chasing a "non-committer". The man she is pursuing refuses to make a decision with her and therefore she refuses to make a decision with me. Nasty triangle.

I have been sticking it out though for a reason other than my Love for her. We also have two children and I sincerely believe a reconciliation would be best for them.

Has anyone experienced this kind of frustraing non-communicative person? For 22 months, I have been Standing Patiently in front of a brick wall.

Do I re-send the message to her? Or do I take her non-response as an "I don`t know" response; which means that I just continue to wait? Maybe her silence means more than I think it does; or then maybe she just does no understand the gravity of my question, or then maybe then she just does not care.

Trying to Stand Patiently, but failing </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel for you, dude. I honestly do. You're in my prayers.
Whatever you pray to, please pray for me, in return. I've only been separated for 2 1/2 months... and I can't ever see myself giving up on this.
Sometimes, it feels like there's no point to even being here, doesn't it? But, rest assured... we are stronger than the average man.
It takes a lot of heart to be able to do what we're doing. And, that's the true measure of a man...

Remember these quotes... they are words to live by:
"They didn't teach you how to win, they taught you how not to lose. You've got to risk losing... you've got to risk everything!" -Searching For Bobby Fisher
"Life without pain isn't real." - Macross Plus
"You've got to be persistent in order to get anything out of life!" - Gundam Wing
"What one man can do, another can do!" - The Edge (watch this movie!!)
"It's not the net result of one's life that matters... it's the day-to-day experiences." - Final Fantasy 3 (yes... I just quoted a video game... silence... you'd need to play it to understand...)

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingPatiently:
<strong> I am sorry I have to be here in this forum. You are all great company, but honestly I would rather be waking up next to her, having coffee together, walking together; sharing our daily life; but this time around with more depth than ever and total honesty. This is what I still long for even after a year divorced and 22 months in crisis.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, yeah.... I forgot to ask....

Who left who? And, why?

Hi Guys,
I'm living the same scenario. Been to court once with temporary orders. We are both in counseling seperatly. She will not answer if she is going to go through with the divorce. Keeps saying it's not final until the judge signs it. I have come to the realization that our spouses are afraid to let go of us entirely. Don't burn the bridges so to speak. As my counselor told me at the last session we had, "you have to learn to read between the lines". This is a very difficult thing to do as the interpatation of these gray thoughts can be dangerous. The point of all this is that if you still have feelings for your spouse you have to become a person of two minds. First and most importantly you must move on with your life. Take care of yourself and your children. Live as though your marriage is over. This is something you have to truely accept in your mind and heart in order for it to change you at all. This is very serious business and very difficult to acheive. I know as I have been living this scenario for the last couple of months. Then always keep a space in your heart for the person who was so much a part of you for so long. Please remember that in most cases this person as you knew them no longer exists. If they did we wouldn't be here. It's a matter of starting a whole new relationship. Learning a new way to relate to the person now residing in your spouses body. Remember, you can't change them. You have to change. You either can learn to love and relate to this new person or you can't. They also must make that decesion for themselves about us. We all want answers to our questions about our futures. Unfortunatly the future is uncertain and we can only work towards our goals with no guaranties.

I know there are times it hurts and the "Why ?" is the word that burns in our minds. Tears flow and the prayers continue asking for strength and guidance. I hear over and over "Let go and Let God". This is the only plan that will work and give us peace. It is also the most difficult thing you ever do in your life. You will try and fail many times before you get it right. I have and I will, but eventually I will get it right. The death of a relationship is one of lifes most devastating experiences. But as with all things new life will arise from the ashes.

I wish us all peace on our journey. It's a long rough road but there is no other path for us to take.

David A

I am going to respectfully disagree with Baba on this one. Her not responding at this point is NOT a clear indication that "she doesn't love you."

I have been separated from my WH for almost 3 years.........we have been div'd for 22 months. The exact time frames are listed in my sig line.
Let me add that he is also a conflict-avoider who never dealt with difficult things, just ran away from them..........this is the part that struck me as being similar to what you are dealing with. I personally don't think you are going to get an "answer" to your letter, or a definite direction, b/c IF your WS is like mine, and AVOIDS unpleasant thoughts/actions and hope those bad things just "go away" on their own, then it's just easier to ignore your questions.

This is what I was dealing with during the entire 3 years of mediation, lawyers, div dealings, etc. He just let the lawyers handle it, and don't face it, or think about it.

In fact, I asked him once (on the day I was served), "Do you think we might one day be able to talk about reconciliation? Is this (div. summons) really what you want right now?" his answer to me was, (Quoting almost VERBATIM here:)," Well, you see, I um, I was just, I mean, er, I just didn't, we weren't, well, you know, I just wanted, umm, I mean, I guess I just........" etc.............
See the point? THEY REALLY DON"T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT, OR WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!! It won't do any good to ask them what they might do in the future. They are so fog-bound.

Fast forward to the end of last month: he called me to tell me the ow he has been living w/had died. Since then, we are talking more and more. I always prayed for reconciliation, believing God for it.

Now, in His own way, and in His time, it appears to be on the horizon (I don't know that for certain, but it seems like the lines of communication are finally opening).

Before this, during the last 3 years, he was very distant, and seemed "happy" with the little life they had created. Now, in an instant, it has ended, and he finds himself having to deal with the fall-out of what he left behind with NO safety net.

I'm still confused.......you say you're "standing patiently........" but it doesn't appear that you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What exactly does "Standing Patiently" mean to you?

IMHO, yes, you just continue to wait, patiently if that's how you feel "led."

God Bless,

Standing patiently

I too have/are experiencing that, except my inability to communicate with her has more thicker walls, legal walls.
See 1 year ago to get me pushed out of our house, she initiated a restraining order on me.
Try and communicate with someone like that, and you'll find yourself up in jail. (like I did)
You would think that after being with someone 17 years, with 2 small children, their would be some opportunity to talk.
Let me tell you, she didn't want to talk.
Of course the restraining order served a purpose for her, the opportunity to introduce her new boyfriend to my kids.
See....she had been seeing someone at her work, for how long, I don't know....and she seemed to be lying to both him and me.
She was telling him or at least acting like we were already seperated. So how awkward it would have been to bring him over and me be there....thus the restraining order....it made me not around, not able to be around my house, her work, or call her.
I never went back to my house after being served, I couldn't.
Since then, within one week of my children having their father ripped away from them, she had her new boyfriend there. (how could she do that)
The last few months we were together she was a different person completely, maybe this because she had started her new secret life with him.
I look back and it is so obvious now that she was seeing someone.
She would tell me, she needed her space, she didn't want to be married anymore, she was done, that she had given and given and now it was her time to live, it was going to be all about her now.
She even got a personized plate that reads
"ALL ME"..........ON HER CAR
So I guess if I would have taken the hints to give her a divorce I wouldn't have then been labeled as an abuser....as it says in the restraining order....It is so obvious why she got that....to move me out....(anybody else had that done to them?)
So now I still pray for my family, I just don't see how she can live splittling up our kids the way they are. Splitting everyother weekend, the vacations, the holidays........is this what she really wanted/wants, I know I don't, and my kids don't.
I have not dated anyone even though the divorce has been final for 6 months or so.
Its funny as soon as she served me, she said she considered herself divorced except the legal part. I was never able to call, see, talk to her. Going from being able to tell a person anything, to not being able to tell them anything at all.
We went to mediation 1 time before the divorce,
and she would not even acknowedge that I was there, nothing to say.
I have heard the fog theory and she knew about it too.
The one thing she said after leaving the mediation I heard say to the mediator as she walked by me......"I guess I'm in a fog"....did she say that for my benefit?
I read the 25 signs your spouse is cheating on you 2 weeks too late I guess.
She scored a perfect score.
Some of the last stuff she said to me while we were together is, she had been miserable for 17 years and know it was my time to be miserable.
Is she getting off on punishing me.
You see, everyday my kids are dropped off at my house, it is not just her, but her and her boyfriend, he is with her all the time.
So it just rips a little more of me away each time I see her.

In limbo