Arrrrgh.

Seems as though I have been learning self control for about 3 years now....

First I get a wierd phone call from xh saying that son's preschool desperately needed me to be a volunteer at the spring fling festival this saturday afternoon. He said he was coming b/c he had to give me the check for this month and wanted to see his son. Also asked if he could have half of the school pictures and I was kind and agreed. We have no contact unless it is about son or finances btw.

I get 2nd call from him as son and I are running errands sat. morning before the fair and he again reminds me and says they need me there.

We get there and the place isn't exactly packed. Sure it's fun with a moonbounce and everything, but it's a no-big-deal. It's an enrollment fair for son's school and they have maybe five other little kid games and again...no big deal. So I walk in and there is a small table where they are selling tickets for the bounce and the kid games. I informed them that I'd be volunteering in a bit and might do the face painting as I can really do that well. Then I asked them how much is each ticket and approx. how many tickets per game for a child to play them. So I purchase 8 bucks of tickets for my son. I hand the woman on the left at the table a 20. She is smiling and looking at me wierdly...

VERY WIERDLY.

I am standing there and my son is standing directly behind me acting wierd too. Then son says, "there's ms. FV mommy". I look around and say "where". He asks me "where's my daddy?". I say I don't know. He asks me if he's going to give his pictures to his daddy and I say "we can give your pictures to your daddy when you see him ok?". Then son says..."THERE'S FV MOMMY AND SHE'S RIGHT THERE".

The woman smiling and looking strangely at me is FV. Meanwhile she hasn't given me any tickets and we've been standing there quite a while.

She gives me a snide sort of look behind her smile and I look at her and reply to my son "I REALLY DON'T CARE". "Can you please give us our tickets as they need me out there to volunteer and I think you owe me twelve dollars change". She again smiling with that snide look on her face hands me the tickets and 12 bucks and says "here you go Peachy". I smile and we walk off. Son does not go over to her and she is basically non-existant to us at the fair.

About an hour later she walked away back to her exact same suv as mine alone and left.

It was funny. I didn't even recognize her. Seems not only she's gained weight after the baby but she has lots of freckles all over her face and arms and that she must wear alot of makeup to hide them as I've never seen her face to face before. Not that freckles are bad mind you, just that she has to go to alot of trouble to cover them up. And honestly, I was expecting to meet a woman worthy of being a model. She didn't look quite like a model would in my mind. And for once, I was having a good hair day and my makeup on.

We had fun and left and went to lunch. Son asks me at lunch why she was there. I didn't have an answer for him. Her son does not go to school there.

What I deduce is that she's getting mad b/c I had to meet x last week and visit a school with him and she may be getting suspicious about another woman as I fully know my x is seeing monkeyho on the sly. I think she's figuring it out but doesn't know who the OW is. Oh well. The lot of being the OW and now being suspicious is hers. She probably got mad at x saying he was coming to fair to see his son and hearing how he asked me to volunteer that they argued or something and she stormed off to school to "PRETEND TO BE THE GOOD STEPMUM" and position herself directly at the ticket counter so she'd have to have a face to face wtih me to get some sick sort of satisfaction at it. Plus I think she wanted to hand me the monthly check and it would be degrading to me. Trust me, there was no good will in that visit of her to my son's school fair.

All it did was make her look bad and my son saw it. She got her reaction all right. And it was not what she was wanting from it.

I left my son's school pictures in his teacher's desk with a note to give to his dad on wednesday.

Instead of a confrontation as FV was wanting, I decided to make her a " non-entity" and make the fair for my son's fun and we had a blast with me painting faces. I did not engage her on any level at all after that. As I left, I found the check addressed in her handwriting to "Ms. Jethro-Peachy" on the envelope and it was in my son's parent info box. She definitely had other plans to do something very poor in front of my child there but it didn't work.

As despicable as my xh is, I know without a doubt he wouldn't set me up to volunteer along with FV. It was a desperate attempt by a woman to "letitimize" herself and her newfound status as a wife and attempt to belittle or hurt the former wife by forcing a confrontation with her.

Lesson here?

DO NOT BE MOVED BY ANGER NOR LET IT CONTROL YOU. If somebody puts that much energy in doing something negative, use that energy to take it away. Ignore it. If you fuel the fire, the fire gets bigger. If you EXTINGUISH the fire, it is no longer a fire. It's nothing anymore.

Keep this in mind as you deal with OP ok?

Also..want to add that I did not give her any rude smile like she did and my demeanor was exactly the same as before I figured out who she was.

And in no way did I discuss it with son there at the fair and we just had fun and he bounced and played games and watched me paint faces and I painted his arm and his face too.

Just wanted to add that.

You are a class act, all the way, sweetie!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh! and your xH's new ow/W is a real JERK!! He's gonna have his hands full w/FV as time goes on......

Peachy,
A true class act you are and hence your X not being able to put things to rest. OW will always feel inadequate and probably you will be held up to her as an example of a good mother etc...LOL

If your X is like mine, there are a lot of simmilarities in trying to engage you in continued conflict. Too cowardly to confront you as you aer not givin him the responses he desires from you (enragement at his dreadful behviour)hence the OW/new wife wanting to push you to rage. Again you did not allow this to get to you in a manner that allowed the game to continue...BRAVO.

In the latest attempt to engage me in conflict they are continuing to trying to make it as uncomfortable for me to live in my home and do the things I do by mirroring (sort of stalking) my every move. Just heard last week that X's OW/now wife joined the new gym in my building. This is another attempt to force me from doing the things I do and trying to get me to ackowledge their existance on my door step as problematic. I could not care less, not my problem and when or if I bump into her (which has not happened despite them moving to my street last fall) I would not even acknowledge her or show any feelings one way or another. X only wants others to conflict with me for him...talk about the basest passive/aggressive behaviour!

Understanding this behaviour and not allowing it ever to get to me is so rewarding. All the effort in trying to get my reaction will forever consume these 2. NOT MY PROBLEM , nor will I allow it to become mine., as neither should it become yours Peachy. Now when it is about finances or your son, those are the ONLY times when you cannot ignore the behaviour and have to take action. That is about your life and your priorities and interests.

Peachy,

This post by you came a few days too late for me.

I did something 3 days ago that is still eating me up!
Had I read your post sooner, I may have used your knowledge about not being moved by anger, and to use it constructively.

My X conned me into letting him use all tax info for the past year.
I did him a favor, as he would have had to pay if I had not let him use both children for exemptions, and use of itemizing cont.
I would not have benefited at all, as I didn't have enough to even file this past year.

The DEAL was, if I let him use my tax info. he would split the refund.

The State refund comes, and he all the sudden wants to keep it.
Our daughter has medical needs. Mind you, the divorce decree states, that X is responsible solely for medical. All Medical! The end!

He told me, he didn't know what her bills would be for the year, and wanted to keep the refund until the end of the year and then split what was left.
Mind you, his insurance pays pretty well.
I did offer him $100 of it, and told him to put $100 aside. That is $200 to use, of the 15% that he MAY owe at some point.

So,
on Friday, he brings the Fed refund over, and says, it was figured wrong, and we actually got back more. So, I am going to do what I proposed, and keep the State until the end of the year.
He said, the diff. between the Fed. amt. we should have gotten and the new, was only less than 40 if he would have given me the state.
I flipped!
I said NO, you are responsible for this, and you agreed.
He said, I'm keeping it until the end of the year.
Mind you, he is telling me I'm only out less than 40, and he is ahead plus 700!

Needless to say, this is where I lost it.
I threatened to drag the kids in, and did.
SLAP my hands big time, I deserve it.
I'm sick that I did it.
I had no control over it, it just came over me.

I feel that between him, and his woman, they have taken so much from my kids and I.

I had planned a vacation and this was to be spending money.

Anyway, in the end, he gave me the money. But, it was after anger, and tears.

The funnier thing is,
seems as though there was grief in X'x love nest.
His W was very mad that he gave me the money!

Anyway,
I learned a very valuable lesson this weekend. As I was taught, to never bring the children in. I learned it first hand.

I know I was wrong, and have told my children I was.
Shame on me!

Had to share. You did the right thing, wish I would have.

K

Thanks guys. And I firmly believe that their quest for "legitimization" of their new R is what they're after...Ultimate rationalization to me is the acceptance of OP by former H or W.

It haunted me in the early hours of this morning. What in the heck was she doing there? And why? How was it good for my son? It was not. It was not something life-threatening the required for her to be there...it was a small festival for a prekindergarden/daycare for crying out loud.

Gosh I am wondering what she's gonna do next year when my son is in kindergarten? Wanna be room mother next. Honestly it made her look bad imho.

What I don't get is the continued search for conflicts. Why? Who does it benefit? If their new A relationship/marriage is so great...and they're so happy...then leave US ALONE! Why can't they? Answer: they feel that they're either socially unable to find that acceptance they're craving or in the case of my x's OW/W, she's dealing with my being the shadow in the home. A constant reminder I was NOT what my xh probably painted me to be and his interactions as of late trying to get me to meet him and see him and him even asking me to come over to the house for a meeting (financial) with him when SHE WAS NOT HOME kinda spoke volumes.

I honestly believe she's doing her own little whorish version of divorce busting pre-emptavely. If she can force her new status on me then I will back off and start eating a gallon of Haagen Daz a day and quit exercising and shave my head and forego makeup forever then I guess she'd be happy. At least that's what she is probably daydreaming about. Or that I will initiate contact and she can talk to me like she tried to do so last fall when she supposedly "left him" after saying she didn't live there (another lie) and that she wasn't preggers (whale of a lie).

Does anybody understand the psychology involved of somebody being so insecure they'd seek out a confrontation like this? How do you stop the behaviors completely?

That's what I want to know. How can I make this idiot woman get it thru her massively dyed head that I am who I am and I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY POSITION ON THEIR AFFAIR MARRIAGE and I AM 100 PERCENT THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD AND MY SON ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE EITHER.???

How do we make THEM BACK OFF PERMANENTLY?

Also...

Karona, you did the right thing and you should always remember how he dealt with you in regards to future finances...I also know that OW doesn't want my son going to private school like my x and I decided...Would take about six hundred a month outta her "prada" fund. Less shopping money basically. Anything less for me/son is good. Remember you have to deal with him only. I refuse in any way to deal with her btw. She IS NOT A PARENT TO MY CHILD. I don't deal wtih subordinates and that's what she is...sorry, but that's the truth. I deal with him and he deals with me. Makes things I would imagine easier.

And amnowok....I get your words completely! I sure do.

What's with these people amnow ok? Sounds like your x and my x may be related...lol...

Oh...to am now ok...

I can't believe the gym thing either. How low can you go? It's like they want to FORCE us into accepting them so much that they invade our privacy, our space, our family functions so that they can see us have any reaction.

I say keep up what you're doing. Yea, it's a turf war. Just see them as invisible as I do and don't engage on any level unless it is with regards to either kids or finances.

If they get no response, I think one day they'll quit. They will try to find something else they can be "UNIFIED" against instead of us.

I just want to help them on that quest in getting them both outta my life...lol...

Appreciate it Peachy!

I have felt so low, and know I did wrong.

But, as you had said, this bimbo wants the money for herself.
It hurts her for him to give up the money, to none other than his X and his kids.

Funny thing.
Tonight my daughter has an awards ceremony for basketball.
My X actually called me, asked me if I was planning on going, if not he would be glad to take daughter.
As if I would miss seeing her get her trophy!

I'm guessing I must cramp he and his honey's style!

Thanks for responding!
K

Peachy,

X and his woman could not bring themselves to attend the university graduation of one son and graduation of another son from a young adult residence program far away from our home, let alone community events or other invitations because I was attending, which I would have done no matter who else attended...X always told kids who believed this mostly, it was to make it comfortable for me!!!!!

And to make it even more comfortable for me she goes to the same hairdresser, they move 2X to be close to "mommy dearest" etc, etc,,,and now to the same gym...yes right and I believe in the Easter bunny.

Prepare for it NEVER ending from your X's and his wife's stand point until they get NO REACTION from you about anything....not your son, not finances or anything....if it mirrors my experience. there will always be something until your son is grown or their relationship dies, whichever comes first.

You have to find a way to not let it get to you and just not care or buy into any of this. It does not matter how good or bad you look, it is to try to intimidate you/conflict with you...i.e. them vs you, in their need to feel better about who they are etc and this is what their relationship is built on.......not anything about you actually!

It has been over 5 years since I have been dealing with this nonsensical behaviour, and their need is still to try to "be in my face" The laughing part is that I have never inquired about their wherabouts or asked where they are and what they are doing as a means of avoiding them. I did and do what is good for me as a mother, friend and single woman regardless of them. Never let X and his wife have you change your plans because of their agenda, unless it is good for you and your son.They used to ask my children where I was every day so they could avoid me, but still try to keep me off kilter......so now I am off to the gym to workout, because I want to!!!!!

It takes time and years, but the truth is knowing their pattern of behaviour, it becomes easier not to become emeshed in their need. Onward and forward, with some stumbles along the way, but no need to look back. You are and will always be the only mother to your son.

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: amnow.ok ]</small>

amnow.ok,

Why in the world did you Ex and his W move into your neighborhood? It doesn't sound like the kids are still at home. Are they? Is there any reason for them to be in that area? On the gym thing, at least she doesn't go when you go. Maybe on purpose? Is it the closest gym? It's good you have gotten through all the heartache and crap. Are you dating or remarried yet?

Karona,
Live and learn sweetie. I had to. Made a couple of big mistakes with my kids too.

Peachy,

You must stop letting this woman consume your energy and thoughts!!! I see her going to the festival a bit differently than you. Did you every think that your Ex might have asked her to go? He's all into that looking good stuff. Maybe she went because he thought it was the right thing to do for his son...demented as it is! LOL Did he volunteer you? That's odd that the school let him if he did. They usually don't do that. Did you talk to anyone at the school about volunteering before you got there? You didn't say, was your Ex there? Aren't you glad she didnt' hand you your check from your Ex right there at the both? Geez, that would have been awkward.

Second wives and former wives deal with this stuff all the time. It's these exact things that come between them. The new wife wants to be good to her new H's kids and put out an effort to show caring. The Ex W wants nothing to do with the new W. Sometimes, it's all a bad misunderstanding. I read on secondwivesclub sometimes and they talk about stuff like this, from the other side of the coin. All of you ladies have a good chance of being exactly in those second wife shoes one of these days and having the ExW saying negative things about your efforts toward their children. Be careful what type of karma you bring your way.

TFS

TFS...

I appreciate your thoughts and IF....
1)IF she hadn't contributed actively knowing that my xh was BOTH MARRIED AND A DAD I might acknowledge her..
2)IF she hadn't been positioning herself at a place at the fair where I was NOT forced to interact with her.
3)IF my x had not said it would be HIM there and that HE was going to see my son and finally..
4)IF my hypothesis about OW/W believing that there is NOW ANOTHER OW was NOT RIGHT.

But alas...My ideas are right on as today I got a very wierd email to call my x as soon as I got the message b/c he had "a little good news for me".

I didn't get the message until later today and before I could even read it, he phoned me and I answered, as I only deal with him specifically on certain issues now.

Ironically, he sounded humble and sadder than I've ever heard him before. Very strange. He told me he has become "chummy" with a certain banker who claims to my xh that he'd be glad in 3 mos. to "fix" my credit report (FYI..X DESTROYED MY CREDIT AND I NEARLY WENT BANKRUPT LAST FALL). No mention whatsoever of run in with his OW/W at all. The "old" jethro that I know and have known for the last 2 years would have berated me for being cold and stand offish to her. No mention of it whatsoever.

I also know without a doubt he called ME two times to ask me to be a volunteer. And no, it was NOT a goodwill gesture on behalf of Family Values. Nope. It was so that I'd have to see her wedding ring (actually not what I like with regard to style) and to flaunt her illegitimate position as wife. Trust me...I am NOT wanting to make her out to be this way. She is also a liar and is out for herself and would lie like mad to get anything she wanted for herself. HEnce my phonecall from her to me last September when she swore up and down she left my xh and was NOT preggers and that she DID NOT spend the night in front of my son.

She is not somebody I would like to associate with and thus I do not. I have made the choice and the stand to clearly not condone nor give credence to their affair marriage which I clearly believe will not last. And for that matter, my xh, the way he is now, is not somebody I'd like to be around either.

I believe it's trouble in "paradise" for them now. The reality of instant marriage and add water and mix in baby is probably a reality check in their little affair mode.

Honestly, I really like you TFS...I am in no way OBSESSED with the woman and could care less with whatever she does aside from any negative dealings she may have with my son which would be my business. Her life is hers as it may be and I don't want to and don't deal with her at all. It was SHE who forced herself into my face and if she had been given the opportunity (like should I have reacted to her much more or given her fuel for her little display) she'd have taken great pleasure in handing the check to me.

I've proudly taken my life back and all that happens now is dealing with the financial crap and continued stuff that occasionally flares up from x and his wistress.

Like I said earlier...the lot of being another woman is that you will always look behind your back wondering WHEN is it going to happen to you and IF your new H/BF harbors lingering thoughts of their x or if there's another OW hanging around. There used to be a saying that said if somebody points their finger at you, in reality they have four more pointing back at themselves. I learned this in psychology that most people are suspicious in others of the very same things they are guilty of themselves. That would clearly explain her barging in at my son's fair. If she wants to enroll her son there then fine. She can come to all the mom's clubs meetings she wants to and that's cool. But the teachers only acknolwedge me and even my x as of late only discusses parenting with me as per my wishes on that.

To answer some of the points asked:

One child still at home. 2 working and estranged from me totally and one still at school far from home. Child more angry that they moved into our new 'hood than any discomfort I felt on hearing this.

Ow did not "allow" X ever to communicate to me, and this I did only very infrequently about very very major kids issues only. Evidently she used to "blow up" when she heard that I had contacted him. So she has a huge insecurity issue, especially as I did not play dead and fought to try protect our children from a very new parental role model of sex, drugs, rock and roll ,abandonment and game playing using the kids as pawns by X and her.

Hence a very ugly and high conflict divorce. Now this part is over, X and OW have continued to search to feed this need of theirs to keep the conflict with me alive.For my own sanity, I have had to find a way not to engage, but at the same time not walk away from parenting and supporting those of our children that are still in need and desirious of this from me. Presently desperately trying to walk a tighrope into not engaging in his need for conflict while still holding him financially accountable for support for a special needs young adult child away at school.

Ow living on anti depressants and a bottle of wine a day, and her joining my gym I believe is to deflect her trouble in paradise. She probably hopes to bring chaos into my life and especially to workout at same time as myself. I have no idea nor do I care, which actually only serves to infuriate her. (These 2 thrive on any attention, soI have learnt not to feed them in this manner)
I believe there is a gym in their own condo complex and 1 big one even closer. No coincidence that she joined this gym! Gyms and banks on every street corner here.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: amnow.ok ]</small>

This morning at work got call again from xh. He said he's going out of town for business (maybe OW1) and asks if I could keep our son for 2 more days. FYI..his visitation was to start today. I am short and kind and say no problem.

He then calls back to say that if he can get into town late thursday he'll call to come and get him..

Thus my "chaos in paradise" theory is right.

New conclusions that my sister even concludes 100% with:
1)the OW/W after saturday DOES NOT WANT TO WATCH MY CHILD at all and especially not when xh is not around.
2)there's problems between them as a happy and an in-your-face new W who wants to flaunt her "legitimite" role as that would do. I believe she's angry and there's some huge problems.
3)that the behavior on saturday is reflective of her problems and suspicions.

But I am happy to keep my son even more as I am used to anyway. My family firmly thinks the longer this affair marriage goes on, the more I will have my son and that's great for rethinking custody soon. X was kind and respectful this morning on phone which is still rather wierd for me. But I don't engage other than dealing with issue at hand so that's cool.

Wierd basically.