How do you brush off the lies, accusations and the many people who have come to the aid of your opponent (STBX). I hear so much crap, things she thinks I am saying etc. Things she thinks I am doing. Needless to say they are all wrong. I am trying to be the best dad and person I can be without the interference of abusing controller. I know I am right, fighting for the cause,( My kids), just in my decision. Her lawyer tells her things that werent said etc. He twists them. I think it was to anger her and make her bring out the big guns. Look out when she gets mad.....er.

Actions Speak Louder than WORDS.

^^Write that down on a piece of paper -- keep it in your pocket. Remind yourself OFTEN.

It is frustrating yes. But --> lawyers go to school to twist words. They are PAID to do it, and paid well. I always said, "Truth rises to the top like cream". Eventually the truth does come out. It takes time, but the truth does ring loud and clear.

BE the best dad you can be.

I have similar issues with the IL's and friends of their family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Dr.Phil says that he doesn't believe in reality, but instead believes in perception.

The perception of your W is not something that you have any control over. YOU know the truth about your actions and motives for them. If she has a problem in the interpretation, that is HER problem.

Somehow, you need to let it go. "Let go and let God". Easier said than done, I'm finding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Again in my case, I find that my concerns about what others are saying and thinking, irregardless of the TRUTH, has a lot more to do with my self esteem, than with the actual events going on. Does that make sense?

I'm still working on figuring out why it is that I still feel the need for MY side to be heard by these people, who are truly insignificant in my life, and the lives of my sons now. Why am I searching for acceptance by these idiots? Where is that root? How soon can I figure it out so I can let it go? etc.

Karen

I guess that's the point here. She is running around, telling everyone our business. Convincing people we have had BBQ's with that I am no good. Getting others involved as well. Copying letters to me to immediate family members. Gathering witnesses to tell her twisted version in their own words. These people are not out for the truth. Only to side with the only side they have heard. I dont want to tell the world what has happened, and try to get them to show up at court with me to be against her. Should I be at things point? My kids lives are at stake here. The crap she put everyone through should send her to jail. Not just free us. As you know, These witnesses can tel the truth as to what they have seen when I am there. How can they know about when they werent other than her words. I have been the quiet, following, family man at all our gatherings for years. She usually started some crap when she drank too much or ran out of pot. Other than her words, they have nothing. They can overlook the truth, what they saw and not mention it in court (if they get a chance) These people would lie under oath to protect one of their own (pot smokers, also afraid they will be implicated as far as supplying her with it). How will this play out when the time comes? Will they allow her witnesses, Will I have a chance for discovery of these witnesses ahead of time? And what they supposedly know? Sure has changed since she left and said she didnt want anything..just take care of the kids.

OK...I hear you. My ex was the one *running around and telling everyone lies*. Thing is, when it gets to court -- the judge throws it all out. Actions speak louder than words. I had counsellors that came to my aid telling the judge that I was the one taking them and that I was the one working on keeping sanity in the family. The judges threw everything else out of court that was CRAP. (note: I have been in court 42 times with this animal).

Believe me -- do you really want to be *friends* with these people? Do you really *care* about what they think if they are willing to blindly accept these lies? Copying letters to you to her immediate family -- so what? Her family is HER family. She would be telling them the same thing to their faces. Anything YOU write, make sure that you would be more than happy to blare that in the newspapers. Anything YOU write is open to the public eye (meaning---> keep it simple, keep it truthful, keep it focused on parenting and NEVER, EVER bash, belittle, accuse)

Will you have a chance for discovery if these witnesses come forth? YES. I doubt that it will get to that point. Most divorces, adversarial ones, don't even get to the point of trials and having to produce witnesses. Remember -- Actions speak louder than words. A judge will take kindly to a parent who is attending school functions, volunteering in classrooms, taking the children to extracurricular activities, promoting *family* time (i.e. going swimming, playing ball etc.) than a parent going to a neighborhood BBQ where it is most likely that the adults in attendance will be having a brew or two or three or four. Keep your activites focused on your kids. Do things with groups -- ie. local leisure centres where other parents go with their children. Invest in activities with your kids. If anything, the judge will pull the kids in and have a *private* talk with them or appoint a GAL for the kids. Truth rises to the top like cream. The kids will certainly speak up about what really happens in their life. I'll bet they would be more willing to talk about dad being in their classroom or taking them swimming than mom sitting around with her friends drinking beer while they go to some BBQ!

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

any adult can tell when a kid is being brainwashed. you obviously think that these people have never done this before. when the court's guardians start checking into it, i think they will know who's bs'ing who.

like i told my husband, play games but don't hurt my kids. he found out. especially since my daughter is almost of age any way. he just didn;y want to pay another $300 a month for CS. he is so cheap he would rather hurt their mental health. isn't he a great guy? if i could have, i would have done this a lot sooner, but he said he didn't want me to leave, he loved me. i couldn't get rid of his [censored] to save my life.

Ok. No , I dont wish to be friends with these people any more. BUT, What does hurt, is that i adopted a daughter that my wife had when we met, who has sided with her mom. She is the one getting the copies of the nasy letters she is writing. She is an adult now, and has put all the past in a jar on the shelf somewhere. First, I didnt want her involved because I know it would ruin our relationship. Second, She also asked me when she was in high school, and the wife and I were going through the same crap, told me that if we split up, to take her with me. She has somehow forgotten how her mom was, and what the kids are going through.

It's an emotional time.
Take the high road, don't listen to these comments, and don't react - respond if you must, but don't react.
Actions speak louder than words, and the children will decide for themselves at a later time.
Read some of the books on parenting through divorce to help you come up with the right words - for your children. Others don't matter.

Also, for your kids, see if there is a rainbows class in your area.
www.rainbows.org

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She is the one getting the copies of the nasy letters she is writing. She is an adult now, and has put all the past in a jar on the shelf somewhere. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may be on the shelf -- but it's still there!

It takes *TIME* -- what a word. I remember thinking that *TIME* was one of those forbidden four-letter-words! It takes time for these young adults (kids) to see the truth. Stand by. Be supportive. Offer an invitation for coffee or lunch to see how your daughter is doing. If your daughter doesn't accept, that's fine, because that is HER choice. Remember -- like everyone says, take the high road!