This thread is mainly to point out the positives out of all the negatives.
Why I cry:
-Was told on Fri. that D is wanted by spouse.
-Am being told that I push his "buttons".
-Having to realize the man I love has given up.
-Knowing that with all my pride I begged (several times) this weekend to really give counseling a go.
-Big one: knowing my kids are going to grow up in a divorced home (something never dreamed of).
-Knowing that when I cry in front of DD that that makes her cry.
-Moved to a different state following H job, with no family around, in dream house, kids in dream schools and now being told has felt this way for several years (at times that changes to only around 9 months).
-Thinking God has given me too much to handle.
-After d-day I stuck around believing recovery was at hand.
-Afraid my kids will grow up thinking it is ok to D if "things aren't working out".
-Afraid my kids will feel rejected.
-Seeing all the pain spouse is in.
-Being a SAHM getting a part time job to having to get out "in the real world".

What stops me from crying:
-Even though D was stated on Fri. H is out of indecision area (though not the way I would have liked).
-Realizing that though I may push his "buttons" I have tried often to change. Even asking "What do You did me to do or not do?" and the answer is always "nothing".
-Even though he did not try to make it work (could tell heart wasn't in it). The relationship had many unhealthy aspects.
-I can't think of any positives out of my pleading for a change of mind. Especially when I could see emotions from totally ignoring me to getting upset at me then feeling if I have sunk so low as to plead for love. Knowing that true love can only be given freely.
-Can't see much positive out of my kids growing up in a divorced home. Other than the bickering (more than fighting) will stop.
-Even though I cry I would never give up all this pain if it meant never having my kids.
-Even though we are in a different state from family this place feels like home.
-Realizing God has not given me too much (with help from my sister), that He has given me the tools to deal with this situation.
-Knowing that after d-day I still tried to make it work. That I did all I knew how to do. Went to MC, read the books, tried not to LB so much, etc..
-Putting the future of my kids in God's hands.
-Knowing that spouse loves his kids with all his heart and will earnestly try for that not to happen.
-If spouse can't see all the pain I am in, is this really the person for me.
-Knowing that even though I will have to work, I have the education, knowledge, and love of a career that has great potential.

Those are the reasons that stop me from crying and wallowing in all the pain.

Your pain is for real. I went through the same questions as you, WHY?

There is positive aspects to come. It takes time, and it takes working on you.

Yes, divorce is ugly. And the kids will hurt from this tragedy.

I too was a stay at home mom, and left to fend for myself. I was physically injured by my x. So I have had a long time recooperating. Still on medical.

If you can get a job, and go to school, to improve yourself, that will show the kids that you are a special person. I didn't work, but odd jobs, but have been in school the last year. It was tough to sit in class and wonder why I was here. But I don't wonder anymore.

Your kids will feel the pain for a long time. I have been told by many that they are the ones that will hurt and feel betrayed from a unit now split in two.

Good to see that you see why you cry. What makes you stop. Individual counseling is recommended. And possibly anti-depressants. I am on anti. for over 1 year. Will continue to take them for another year, will see.

Counseling, I would like to get into a professional service, but unable to afford the price. So I go to counseling services.

Sorry to hear you are in these shoes, keep posting here, and many will help you through the hard times. Keeping you in my prayers.

Oh my God in heaven! This is me! I felt everything & did everything you said in your post. Thanks for having the gutts to post that. It touched me. I find peace and comfort in reading my Bible. God has dealt with all we deal with in live. I've been reading alot of old testament and how the Israelits broke their covenant w/ Him, and He called it being unfaithful. In some passages, you can realy hear His broken heart, rage, but still, undying love for them. If I may suggest, (I hope this doesn't offend you) read Malachi:2, 13-16. And if you can, read it in the Amplified Bible. It is powerful, and our God understands!!!!!!

Thank you for your replies. It helps knowing that there are others out there that are feeling or have gone through the same experience.

I was going through IC before MC. Stopped thought working on issues together. Now I know I need to go back for me.

rejected 1 you didn't offend me. I too have found comfort in my Bible. I have read the verses you pointed out in Malachi before. In fact I already had highlighted some of them. I personally have found alot of comfort from Hebrews 11:1-2 and James 2:26. I have a tendency to be too open and at times of being brutally honest.

Going through all this I have learned more about myself (good and bad) then I really wanted too. It is very hard to realize one's own shortcomings.

lost rainbow