I have been doing the no contact, fairly well, but not 100%. This is what has been told to me by my ex many times. Ex will ask me why I am doing this? Why the no contact he asks? He has called me mean and vindictive many times. I no longer feel I need to answer the question. For the answer has been told before.

I do not wish to get a PPO. And I did find out he was here at my house when I was at school this last Thursday evening. He answered yes, to being here. Which I was grateful for the truth.

Please tell me why I am doing the no contact? I would like to hear that I am a good person, not mean and not a vindictive woman.

The Harleys advocate the no contact, when there are situations needing to embrace the no contact. Just wanting to know from my friends here that I am not a mean and vindictive woman. Or am I? I don't want to be this way and I do pray for peace and tranquility in my family.

Praying for peace in this family. Praying for love and acceptance in this family.

This week busy with exams.

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 08:05 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Faith-

I'm going through exactly the same thing right this minute. X hass been trying to getmme into a "one-on-one meeting with him and I hear the very same comments...why are you so cruel? Why are you being so vindicitive? Are you that miserable in your life that you have to punish me in this way? etc. and so on.

What I can share with you is my thoughts based on my own journey. X is starting to miss my company. Even though he chose to 'start his life with her' and hates me and wants nothing to do with me, he STILL has some type of attachment to the contact. He views my NC as a punishment to him for his choices.

In FACT, the NC is the only way that I can keep sane. When I'm in contact, I start having the doubts and fears start replaying in my head. It keeps me hurting and keeps me stuck. By having NC, I can emotitonally detach from his "drama" and start to feel and think in a rational manner. I become less reactive to his "fog" and more focused on ME and my plans for my life.

The fact that your H is troubled by Plan-B means that he isn't over you. It IS a good sign if you're still wanting a reconciliation. He simply needs to get to the point where he realizes that this is for real. When he gets there, if the loss of you has a greater emotional risk than the gain of OW,he will likely want to contact you to discuss the issue. I am teetering on the edge of this right now and it could go either way.

for the first time in over three years, I received a note from X telling me that he missed what we had. Yes, it couold bea manipulation to just get tme to talk...or it could be a door opening...

delicate stuff...

I hope I helped you

1st - he is not my husband, he is a ex since June of 2003.

Laura - I had to instill the no contact because he used my home as his home. Yes, I feel he has zero or very little respect for me. Which did not allow me to think clearly, did not allow me to have a safe place. Yes, sometimes I feel like I should give in (wavering that fine line). I need to stick to the course of action, when words are thrown at me I feel more sensitive and don't like confrontation. I feel weak at those times. And I don't want to go back to being walked over. I am a good woman with great abilities and compassion. That is why I ask this ?. During our marriage, I agreed to many of his ideas, I didn't want to rock the boat. Which I realize now, that I was not allowed to voice my opinion. I am a conflict avoider and it has caused me much distress. When I grew up as a child, I was a conflict avoider. Mostly with my mother, which I found the path to avoid confrontation with her. Part of what I am feeling now with the ex.

Laura - yes the Bible mentions something of that order, that a double-minded person is not stable. I will ask my pastor about this. Stress causes one to think unclearly, and to become self absorbed. I set the boundaries, cause he used my home as his home. He came into the house and watched TV as if it were his home. I didn't feel safe in my home. Not knowing when he was coming over, not knowing when I was gone if he was going to be here. In the beginning, I asked for him to call to get permission to come over, which he really got down hard and heavy on me with that one. Stating that he was not going to call. Was not going to ask permission. That this was his house as well as the kids house. I let it be for awhile, and then I just didn't feel I had a safe zone. I felt violated, no respect, and he was walking over me. The biggest issue, is NO RESPECT. A simple request, to call, and he couldn't give me that decency, the respect, the simple call of pushing buttons on a phone and asking if it would be okay. I was losing my safe zone. I was losing the ability to concentrate. Which I believe is validated by many here on MB.

GWK = Yes, I have heard the same, that I am punishing him for his actions. That I am mean, vindictive. Which is not at all the way I feel. I feel I need this for my safety, and moving on with my life. It seems he doesn't understand. I hear you when you say this is the only way you can keep sane, the same here. Things are much nicer when there is no contact, and I do feel like my home is safer. He continues on the path that he likes the way he is. Which I hope he is truly happy with the way he is.

Just trying to figure this all out.

IMO - your "no contact" is nothing more than a manipulation technique. It is all about you trying to get "the respect" you want from your ex. If you want to do "no contact", you need to do "no contact."

You do not even have any minor children that would require ANY contact so "no contact" should be fairly easy.

Also, I really don't think it is a big deal if he came over as long as you weren't there. You have much bigger battles to fight in your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Harleys advocate the no contact, when there are situations needing to embrace the no contact. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you correct? I really don't remember reading about issues and techniques for divorced couples on this site.

NC is primarily for those in Plan B.

Plan B is designed to make the WS rethink their position.

It's not really for the divorced.

I don't do a complete NC b/c it's not really something that's an option. I have to occasionally, and not often mind you, discuss parenting issues with x and there are unresolved financial issues. Other than those few times, there isn't any need for contact.

It's NOT about imposing a rule on somebody else (ie..You cannot have contact with me anymore unless you treat me with respect). It's about how you diffuse bad behavior. If somebody treats you with disrespect, end the conversation. Try to walk away.

Diminished contact is more of a reality. And you need to get on with your life and start over on your own. Diminished contact will do it. Practice healthy boundaries in YOUR life and they will have to respect those boundaries you have placed.

Instead of announcing to the whole family your decision to do NC (which WOULD sound like being manipulative to get what you want), I'd stand up for what I accept as good and fair behavior and treatment and if they cross the boundaries you've placed for yourself, then I'd not engage them anymore until it stops.

One day trust me...you'll wake up and it will be clear to you as it was to me. You will literally have blinders on with regards to what or who the x is doing. You'll see them as a chore to deal with as I do now. I feel about talking to my x as I feel about making a dentist appointment. Dread. But something that I have to do sometimes.

Just work on you and get a good therapist. Exercise when you feel like it, immerse yourself in schoolwork and house and family. There's plenty of things to do to lose focus on the x and his life.

Peachy - it is sad that marriages divide, and then the two people who loved each other think of the other as a chore to talk to. Is this what God wants? For us to see our ex spouses as a chore, is this to mean that our spouse as a person has no meaning to us?

This is where I am still confused. Time will help me with this situation, just as the no contact, has helped. But this man that I chose, is not the man that I married in the 70's. I do know who he is now, is not the man I said yes to, and gave my soul, my heart, and chose this man to have children with.

One day, I hope to beable to have a conversation with the ex. But not for now. For there is no civil conversation between us. Things are too tender yet, and the cut is starting to heal. The blood has stopped dripping, and clotting is starting to form. Just the surrounding area is so tender to the touch. So it is best right now to put loving protection to the wound. Keep myself sane.

Maybe you are way ahead of myself moving ahead. I have had a lot to deal with. The lies and deceit are the same like you had to deal with. I am still dealing with the physical abuse, chronic pain. And upcoming surgery. Just wanting my life to move ahead, and get a secure job and continue making new friends. My church is having activities, and I have signed up for 2 of them so far. Since school is almost over with, till fall, I decided to sign up for the events at church.

Yes, divorce is ugly, and the ones who hurt the most are my children. Even though they are older, this has destroyed them, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The betrayal is worse than being told you have cancer. I believe that 100%.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong> The betrayal is worse than being told you have cancer. I believe that 100%. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a cancer survivor and a BS, I concur.

Tony

Tony - God bless you in your survival of cancer. The christian program I was listening to today, has a seminar in my area, for next Friday. A comprehensive discussion on the congnitive behavior towards surviving cancer. And he is also going to talk about the foods you should eat to help your body keep the cancer cells low.

I have already signed up for another seminar that Friday evening. But I did put a call into the Radio Station, to see if the program is going to be taped. Will be notified. The speaker is moving on to another state after this seminar.

The speaker gave a little intro on the Radio station, and it really sounds interesting. Just can't be in two places at the same time.

Yes, my body is healing from this persay cancer that was inflicted on me. But I am a survivor, and I will get through this. Just tough when you have a ex who is so aggressive and unthoughtful. And he really doesn't show any care about what happens to me.

Tony, you being a man, how would you feel if your ex were to take you to court, for medical bills that are not paid. That the judge ordered. That the ex caused injury to me and I had to have surgery from the injury. What would your feelings be, for ex hasn't paid any of the bills, and the divorce is going to be 1 year old in June. When I ask ex about the bills, it is the same statement, he is working on it. He stated to me that if I do this that there will be more tension. Yeah, if I don't coooperate with him. He has had way over the amount of time the judge ordered. And he hasn't even made a payment plan or anything of that sort with the medical people.

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:02 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Ok laure lee let's talk boundries.
Is it ok for parent to be disrespectful to the other parent in front of their children, you notice I said their children not her's, not his, but their children. I expect to treat my ex fairly when dealing with our kids, such as giving their mom hugs, not making my kids walk ahead of me so they won't be near their mom, letting mom take time to have a decent goodbye.
My instense today, it was their mom's weekend with the kids, but we had two soccer games with them as parents, the first one went alright, the second one went alright, until it was over.
My ex and my kids were leaving they were ahead of me, my 10 year old who had just played her 1st game in 5 years was beside me and I was walking with her and talking to her about the game. My ex who was in front of me by about 30 feet, when she turned around and loudly blurtted out "I DON'T WANT YOU BEHIND ME", She then made the kids run up to her and she made a point to walk the long way around to her car with them.
I felt like saying that is no way to treat me, especially in front of the kids, but I didn't say a thing. It shocked me what she had said, me and my kids had been having a good time at the game. Why must she show such insensitivity to their father? How do they feel seeing this?
My kids are in so many activitie, activities that I usually take them to, that there needs to be communication, but it is a lot of guessing.
I know she would not like me to exist, but is a reason for such a boundry, especially when kids are involved.

Ok laure lee let's talk boundries.
Is it ok for parent to be disrespectful to the other parent in front of their children, you notice I said their children not her's, not his, but their children. I expect to treat my ex fairly when dealing with our kids, such as giving their mom hugs, not making my kids walk ahead of me so they won't be near their mom, letting mom take time to have a decent goodbye.
My instense today, it was their mom's weekend with the kids, but we had two soccer games with them as parents, the first one went alright, the second one went alright, until it was over.
My ex and my kids were leaving they were ahead of me, my 10 year old who had just played her 1st game in 5 years was beside me and I was walking with her and talking to her about the game. My ex who was in front of me by about 30 feet, when she turned around and loudly blurtted out "I DON'T WANT YOU BEHIND ME", She then made the kids run up to her and she made a point to walk the long way around to her car with them.
I felt like saying that is no way to treat me, especially in front of the kids, but I didn't say a thing. It shocked me what she had said, me and my kids had been having a good time at the game. Why must she show such insensitivity to their father? How do they feel seeing this?
My kids are in so many activitie, activities that I usually take them to, that there needs to be communication, but it is a lot of guessing.
I know she would not like me to exist, but is a reason for such a boundry, especially when kids are involved.

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

laura-lee - boundaries, boundaries. I just want to live a normal life. You want to hear what is new hear. I am financially going down. Ex, suggested to me the day before yesterday, and I told him I don't want to hear about it, and hung up. He wants me to claim bankruptcy. I didn't want to hear the words, and then I had a few days to think about it. I have many medical bills, ordered by the judge for ex to pay. I realize that ex is not concerned about me at all, only what is good for him so he wants me to claim bankruptcy and get him off the hook. Ex has bad credit, and is screwed for many years to come for his bad credit. He wants me to claim bankruptcy and ruin my credit for his flawlessness of not paying the medical bills ordered by the judge. There was no concern in his voice, only what was good for him. I am down, and hurting physically and mentally. I am fighting for my life, where he makes very good money. Flies to Arizona to be with his other woman, just was there about 4 weeks ago and going again shortly. Flys the kids around the country. Busy presents for my kids, and gives them to them in front of me. I can't afford this stuff. He knows it, and has no concern for my feelings. I feed 5 people here, and he only has to feed himself. And won't help feed the kids living with me. Has never offered on his own, and never suggested it. Cause it is all about him.

Sorry I am down today, and just want to sit in the tub. Life is a ***** and then you die.

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Life is a B and then you die and rise again! I will show this to my MIL. She is the one that tells me her version frequently.

I know I will make it. IN time!! Just seems like there is continuous motions by ex to get me down and out. This was one of them, the bankruptcy. Seeing through the drapery, that this was not about what is best for me, but what is best for him.

I did tell the one doctor that the judge ordered the ex to pay. He didn't seem to care. The lawyer is not a bankruptcy lawyer. I did have common sense to not get involved with one of them. This lawyer is out to help women who have been displaced. She has a copy of the divorce decree. And I finally have all the medical bills.

I still wonder why the ex treats me like he does. Just wondering why he hates me so much. Just wondering why he throws stones at me frequently. I chose this man to marry, to have children with, cause I loved this man, and admired this man. I trusted this man. Now, I am just a dart board to throw darts at. And to kick off the wall and crash to the ground. Hard to take emotionally.

Hopefully, I will beable to stay in this house till next year. Sell this place and move into something that is small, and simple. I do have plans to move ahead and maybe have a business on the side. Looking into possibilities. There are grants for women like me, who want to prove themselves.

Laundry, I have so much laundry to do. My daughter and son moved home from their apartment. This place is such a mess. Laundry piled high. They are responsible for the laundry, or taking it to the laundromat.

Just needing to get things put out to garage sale, and getting this place in order. Just so much stuff they brought home and it is all over. I am going to make a suggestion, to put things in the horse trailer, the dressing area. It will be dry there, and critters cannot get into that area. Daughter wants to sell many items. For this is the big change in her life to find her job and place of residence.

Better get going. I have to get ready for church. We have bible study at 9am. Needing to get the animals done, for they need to potty outside.

I apologize in advance -- for I didn't read all the posts:

Did you change the locks? And if he entered with changed locks, why didn't you call the police? Changed locks, he IS your ex, it's called break and enter.

I apologize in advance -- for I didn't read all the posts:

Did you change the locks? And if he entered with changed locks, why didn't you call the police? Changed locks, he IS your ex, it's called break and enter.

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>