Where do I even begin w/out typing 10 pages? We've been married for 10 years (3 kids - 8, 6, 4) and I'm active-duty military. I've basically been a rotten husband (and person) from day one and she's finally had enough. W/out getting into the gory details, I've been a liar and a cheat and I've managed to destroy any trust and crediblity that she may have ever felt towards me - to say nothing of affection and intimacy. She plans on filing for legal separation tomorrow but has agreed that we can live under the same roof until the military moves us again in 14 months. (She has 1 year left to complete her bachelor's and hasn't worked in 8 years.)

We've been here before and everything that I'm saying now is exactly the same things I've said in the past. The difference is that this time, I have sincerely removed my head from deep w/in my rear. I've admitted to myself that I've been a real jerk and need help to change, I've resolved w/in myself to do whatever I have to in order to change (for my sake, even if this does end,) I've rededicated my life at church, have begun talking w/a psychologist about my "issues" and have been trying like mad to show her that this time really is different. She says that no matter if I became the next Pope, it's too late. She can never allow herself to trust or love me again, even if she wanted to - which she adamantly proclaims that she does not.

Am I reading into her willingness to still live under the same roof? Is this just her angry and hurt heart saying these things? Dare I hold out hope that I can prove myself in the time that she's allowing? Maybe it's just me desperately searching, but I'm hungry for hope, no how small or insignificant.....

If you really want to change ,then do it. Do it like your last breath. Show her by your actions. Bring flowers. Make dinner. Go for a walk, take the kids. Show her show her show her. Talk to her. Maybe a letter stating how you are going to change, but do it. You have 14 months to get straight, have her learn to love you again. If it doesnt work, then you are to blame, but at least you tried. Read the site again. Let her have her anger with you, you deserve it. Dont fight back. Admit and accept it and validate her feelings of no trust. She might turn around for you. If she does, You have a special one, and dont even think of screwing it up again. Be honest with your counselors so they can help you get better and be a better dad and husband.

Do you dare hope? Why not. I've tried living without hope, and I've tried living with (seemingly) futile hope, and frankly I'll take the hope every time.

I'm sure your wife is saying exactly what she means, and that's how she really feels, but...stranger things have happened, and you'll never know whether you've got a chance unless you try. But I do not think it would be wise to expect your wife to change her mind.

Try looking at it this way...

Do you love your wife? I mean do you really love her? Then you now have 14 months to show her. Forget about trying to win her back, because if you take that approach you're only probably just going to sabotage yourself. Instead, rejoice in every opportunity you have to do or say something loving, while respecting whatever boundaries she puts in place for her own protection.

HI Ethan,
First of all, as long as you have breath in your body, there is hope.

My husband was a jerk for 22 yers, very emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive. I am a slow learner I guess because it took me over 20 years to realize I wasn't getting up tomorrow and he would be changed.

Once I told him I was filing for divorce, and (believe me I had gotten over all the hurt and anger by this point because I wanted to be strong enough to carry on without him) we talked for the first time in a long while. The end of the conversation was him telling me that I just need to see things the right way instead of from my perspective. I told him that is why this is never going to work. It was just before Christmas in 2002. The kids and I decorated the house while he sat crying and miserable. Sadly to say none of us cared anymore by this time if he was miserable or not. To make a very long story shorter, he asked me that night what he could do to be able to stay. I had been in counseling for a while by myself (because he refused to go) I gave him some very tough ultimatems that were not fair in the least, because nobody is perfect, but at this point I felt I had nothing to loose because I was over it and ready to live my life without the control and abuse.
We went to the counselor together, one of the stipulations, and I agreed to give him the chance, not to repair and fix the marriage, but to start over. I told him I was over the hurts of the past andwould never bring them up again if he never did those things again. We would let it go and start clean. He had a hard time the first month , fearful that he could not livwe up to it. Keep in mind I didn't demand he do much of anything, I did demand that he never scream in anyone face again, hit anyone again, not say demeaning things to any of us again and no more lies. At this point it went from me hoping things would turn around to him hoping things would turn around.

Jump ahead from dec. 2002 to present---He has been a model husband/father. I am not sure what all to contribute it to but I suspect the medication for depression (him), the chance to start clean, him seeking God's will as the head of the family, and will and determination to change. He had a lot to prove and overcome and he did it and continues to do it daily. It shows me that he wanted something bad enough to humble himself beyond belief to obtain it. The first feeling that returned to me, for him, was respect. I think he likes himself better now and he is truely a changed person.

I alwasy tried to change and do things better or differently the 20 years of bad marriage thinking it had to be me that was screwing things up. I'm sure it was both of us, but the freedom comes when no matter which wasy the tables turn, we can live with it and be ok.

I love him and have a beautiful marriage and he has a great relationship with our kids too. But if he went back to being what he was tomorrow, I would go on without him. As much as I love him, I love myself too and I deserve to have a good life as much as the next person. I wouldn't want that to happen, but if it did, I will survive.

There is so much freedom in being strong enough to go on with or without what we want. I really think this strength makes us a better partner and chances of things working are improved rather than weakened by it. It is never selfish to take care of yourself. It keeps the pitty-party away.

This hasn't been an easy time as far as circumstance, we have had many major obstacles to overcome in this time of starting over, but they did not have to do with our relationship.

I've learned that we have to heal ourself and not hold the person responsible that caused the pain. It is our responsibility to remove ourself from a relationship if it continues to bring us down and cause pain. Somtimes that is the only way the other person relizes what they are loosing and wake up. I did not give him these choices so he would change. I really was finished. Truthfully, I didn't think he would be able to "pull it off" but he did and I believe it will continue. Please take this time to work on yourself and become a stronger person, if she doesn't decide to stay, you will survive. You have time on your side. Don't give up hope!

This is my quote I came up with---
You'll never reach your destination, no matter how fast you travel, if your on the wrong track.

Free

Hey Ethan...Well I was in the same spot as your Wife is. My husband treated me poorly for our marriage (only about 2 years) There was no cheating but we had our own problems.
Finally after much pleading from me for US to get some help and his continuing to ignore my requests I left. I divorced him. I was gone for a year and in that year he was doing the pleading. He attended anger managment classes and counsiling on his own. He cried to me to come back. His cries went unhead because I was MAD. I finally felt the power that I felt I didn't have before since he ignored me. That anger lasted a while...It needed to run it's course.
What finally made me come back was when I received my divorce papers in the mail. It hit me hard. I realized I didn't want to be without him...I wasn't angry anymore. I had my time to deal and cope with everything. I saw his efforts...I saw him cry. I saw him hurt..but most importantly I saw him understand where I was coming from. He could see that I wasn't full of sh*t...I meant what I said. I wasn't going to allow someone to treat me poorly anymore. He realized how much I meant to him and what's important in a realtionship. Communication, patience, love, respect to name a few.
I think your wife will be angry for a while..and it sounds like it's rightfully so. You are going to need to listen to her and please don't make excuses when she tells you how you hurt her. Please just own up to your mistakes.
If she feels like it's not going to happen than I am sorry. That's just how is has to be...I really hope for both of your and your family's sake you can work it out. It might take a while so be ready for a long haul if that's what it takes....she's worth it. She stood by you for a while now it's your turn to stand by her.
Another thing...give her her space..bugging her and begging her isn't what she needs. Just show her how much you've learned and how sorry you are. Be there when she wants you to be. I don't think it's too late...It is too bad that it took this to make you realize. My husband was the same way...We are getting married again soon. So I guess it can happen! Good luck sweetie!

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: DMS ]</small>

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 02:21 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>