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maw64 Offline OP
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Ok so up until now I have been hugely lucky about the ex involving the other woman (next door neighbor) with my children - because well he hasn't done it - probably due to the fact that well he doesnt' see the kids very often and two - they don't really know the extent of their three year relationship - mind you we have been divorced a little over a year...and basically their entire relationship has been a secret -- it seems that after dating for 3 years - well now lo and behold they have been supposedly seeing each other since last September (according to their recent story) - OK anyways - the thoughts of this woman near my daughter makes me physically ill... I have the urge to walk up to her door and smack her across the face - and yet she didn't even end up with them... My youngest was with her Dad Sunday night Monday Day and Today - they are on Vacation from school this week... Anyways she comes home today and she says Monday we were gonna go to Six Flags with Neighbor and her two boys - she says I wanted to go to Six Flags but not with her - but Dad told her No anyways because we already had plans and he thought I would be uncomfortable... And she said she was glad that they didn't go... So I said to her - well you know if you don't want to go - then you need to tell your dad that...

And I told her - that while I appreciate the fact that she wants to tell me what happens with her Dad - that I wish she wouldn't tell me stuff about the neighbor OW because it bothers me... But if she really needed to talk about it than that was fine -- but if she is just telling me because she thinks that I should know well I don't want to know... Now I know that I have no control what so ever about who they see when they are with their Dad and this Next door neighbor of mine is now his girlfriend or has been for quite awhile.. But that doesnt' make it not bother me any less.... I just wish that she would move away from next door so I didn't have to be constantly reminded of her... So all of you people wo have to deal with the OW around your kids - How do you do it and not go crazy??? Because believe me I feel like I just might go crazy.... And to think I started with a new therapist today and I thought that I was going to work through my anger - and now this new little situation..... When will it ever end....

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I'm glad to hear you have a therapist. It sounds like a very hard situation to deal with. I didn't have any advice on *you* but wanted to ask, are your children getting any therapy? If not you may want to consider it for their sake. They need someone they can talk to about the OW and their dad. If you can't be that person for them, then you need to provide them w/someone.

Please be good to yourself. Find something that you like to do tonight and have some "me" time.

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Do your girls know how long the A was going on? Do they even know that is what ultimately ended the M in D?

Karen

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maw64 Offline OP
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Jaded One and Topie- yup the girls know that they are going out and they have been for sometime - The difference is that the 14 really doesn't talk to her Dad well - because I think in truth she knew about the affair even before me - and pretty much put two and two together after the fact and she is very angry at her Dad... She has been in therapy for awhile last year but then her therapist got sick and she hasn't wanted to go back... She insists she is fine that her Dad is a liar - but lately she seems to becoming around a little bit more to him... Oh and I am more than willing to talk to my girls about their Dad and his girlfriend - but if it isn't a big issue to them and they are telling me because they think I should know because he is doing something wrong then I don't want them to tell me - understand??? My kids pretty know that she was girlfriend for a long time - though he has been telling my youngest that they were and are still friends -- she pretty much wants to believe him... So she just is sort of going with the flow.. The hard part about the whole thing is that she lives next door - our kids never talk - ever... None of us even look at her - or acknowledge her when she is outside or drives by - and now he is gonna say - OK do you want to spend time with her?? Because we are dating... Listen they are kids but they are not stupid - they know that a couple of years ago we were both married couples and friends and now - we are not friends and we are all divorced -- I mean the two of them my ex and the OW are very selfish - -- I am just not sure that I will ever be ok with her spending time with my kids - ever... Ever - Ever.... And yes I have had a therapist for a long time - I just had to get a new due to insurance changes... Thank you both...

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MAW64

I know where your coming from.
I am faced with seeing the man that helped brake up our marriage everyday.
Every morning my kids are dropped off at my house by them, my ex and him.
It hurts so much knowing that she was seeing him while we were married (they work together SURPRISE?).
I was desperatly trying to save our marriage,and then to find out that he was probably busy sabotaging it everyday at her work.
Now they live together and have established a new life for themselves in my old home.
She got or I gave her everything of our 17 year marriage, I was left with the scraps.
I still have my kids, thats what keeps me going, barely.
I just don't know how she could be happy breaking up our family, how she could only see the kids part of the time (although they stay most nights with her, I am with during the day, and I take them to all school related activities).
I have never talked to the other man, I have wanted to, I should have right off the bat,when this first happened last year, to let him know he was helping to destroy a family.
He was married at the time too, though his was a short marriage, plus he did not have kids.
So he has no idea how feel.
Everyday I see him drive up it just drives me nuts almost to see this, it just makes me sick, that this man stole my family.
Just a thought.

Now I am off to my divorce support group.............topic tonight....depression......

See You Later

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MAW,
I know how you feel. I went thru some of the same things. My d (16)never spoke about the om, in fact she never says too much about anything to me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> !

On the other, my s(13) tells me pretty much everything. om took them swimming at the lake, he took them to Fl, he has a sports car. HE is even doing now with my x's new boyfriend. He took my s flying and let him fly the plane. So now my s wants to fly.

I think part of it feeds into our insecurities that the kids may actually like the op and abandon us. I wished my kids had nothing to do with the op, but there was nothing I could do to stop that.

One of my counselors asked me what kind of life did I want my kids to have around x and her om. I said a normal, carefree, kids life. He told me then I basically must accept the om into my kids life and allow the kids to make their own decisions. If I got the kids to react based on how I feel, then they could lose contact with their mother and could make their life difficult by their acting out and causing problems with their mother and the om and that leading to fighting with their mother and om.

So I just kind of sucked it up, for the most part, and don't show any emotion when my son talks about this new guy. It is especially hard since this guy had nothing to do with the break up of my marriage.

SO I guess I would recommend talking to your counselor about coping skills.

You and I sound like we both have backslid into the pit of despair. I have been struggling the last couple months over things, including my job(the company is turning into a big impersonal corporation), my relationship with my g/f( we had our first semi-fight last weekend and I had flashback to ones I had with my then w. This threw me in that I thought I had improved in this area <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) and I haven't been getting any feeling of appreciation( my s was mad at me last weekend because I wouldn't buy him a $40 athletic ware shirt and when I said I couldn't afford it, he said why did I buy myself a racquetball racket for $35.)

Hope this helps!

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Same situation here...she has been in our faces since the affair began. It is still extremely uncomfortable.

Last winter, I really had the urge to punch her in the face when she was at my son's basketball game. She is just sooooo...smug and so awfully dumb!!!! She has no clue what she and my ex has done to this family. She doesn't care either...and has justified all of her actions. Of course, blames it all on me.

I hate that she is around my kids. I hate that she touches them or is anywhere near them. I don't know if that will ever get better. I don't think my feelings will change much. I don't respect her, I don't like her and she is not what I would want my kids around under the best of conditions. If that makes me bitter...so be it.

Sorry to hear they are living next door to you. How stupid of them. I swear, I think they truely lose their brains.

As far as my ex and his bimbo are concerned...I wish they would move to the moon. I am tired of dealing with the emotions of this whole situation. I am sick of it. I want to move on--but unfortunately, the issues of their relationship keep getting in the way...sounds like you are in the same boat.

I wish I could erase any memory of him. I would be happen to never see her again in my life. I don't hate them anymore--I just want them out of my life and I want them to take their immoral relationship away from my kids. Not too much to ask, do you think?

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maw64 Offline OP
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Rustfirefly.... Wow everyday dropping off your kids - OK I do not have it that bad... I am so sorry.... Yes in my eyes that man did steal your family -- I don't understand in my heart this happens - in my head it happens because our spouses were and are self centered selfish people... I hope that someday you can wake up and say I am much better off... That is my one hope now..... Thanks for your story...

RWD - OK I read your reply and I thought ok he is right I need to suck it up and let my daughter talk to me about this - because if I don't I am acting selfish just like my x.... And you are right I want my kids to have a great life - I just wish that it didn't have to include the lady next door... And appreciation I hear you - what is that ... I am the one that does everything - and yesterday my daughter also came home with the daddy bought me this and this - and this... And I just kept saying ok - that is nice... Thank you very much -- And I hope that you and your girlfriend figure out your little fight and get through it.... And I don't want to be in the backslide pit of despair anymore... Ever again...

Miserynmissouri - you know I remember reading all of your stuff way back - when she came to the baseball games and stuff and my god they are complete idiots aren't they.. And they do not live next door together - only she lives next door if they both did - well I would freak out for sure - I would definately move away.... And speaking of punching in the face I had dreams like that all night long.. And I have been fighting the urge to call and tell him off about keeping her away from my kids - but I am going to go with RWD's advice and I am going to suck it up - and not act selfish like they are... I hope things are getting better for you - How are you doing?

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I am doing ok tonight. Thanks. Some days it just gets crazy around here though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I just got home from my senior's soccer game. They won 10-0....she has been sick all week. But found out today she doesn't have strep or worse yet...mono...yea.

School is starting to wind down...I only have 6 more IEPs to write. That will be such a relief to get that out of the way. My students are presently doing post testing...and so far they have all done well...and that is so exciting.

My life is going ok...I am dating a nice guy- he is so helpful...and he is just a nice person... the kids love him. Just friends tho.

The sad part is my mother is getting worse...and there is no one there with her as she closes out this part of her life. It is so hard not to be able to be there for her. I am hoping she makes it until school gets out...then I am on my way to Albuquerque.

Tonight at my daughter's game, bimbo and Jimbo were there....they sat by themselves, like usual with the opposing team's parents. I sat with the people I have know for years. For the second game in a row...I have been able to forget that they are there and actually have fun with my friends. I guess that is a big step. He has lost so much...and he still doesn't realize it. When I stop and think about it, it makes me sad. If I was in his shoes, I would be devastated. Oh well.

Well enough thread high jacking. Hang in there...I think my best advice is to just live life like you know it should be lived. You are a special person and I am sorry you have had to go through this mess also. Take care Pat

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maw64 Offline OP
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Pat - thread jackaway - my friend.. I am glad you are doing better... You sound better --- like me you have those good days when you can make it through it all - and those other days - when oh my god you have to deal with this??? And believe me I can relate.. I am sorry about your Mom and I hope she hangs on until you get there.... IEP's huh??? I have a daughter that has one - she is 14 - next year she has been accepted to the local vocational school -so we are very excited for her - and she has just made the honor roll all A's and B's for the first time - and yet her father is missing it all.. And you are right I don't know how they can do it.. My ex really has no clue what they do, who there friends are - better yet who they are.. The same daughter is going to her first semiformal on June 4th and her father doesn't even know about it .. I am not gonna tell him that will be up to her - but she bought her dress and it is just so sad..Though I am sure he would just say have a good time and not even show up to see her.. Again his loss... Maybe we should go that root feeling sorry for them really everytime we maybe want to feel sorry for ourselves.. OK I am gonna go with that... And I am glad you are dating a nice guy... Good for you - and you know the best relationships start out as friends... I am thinking about getting out in that dating world - I mean I have been divorced a 1year and 7months and lets face it - he was dating the last two years of our marriage -so.. I am not looking for a serious relationship but something to make me enjoy life a little more.... Good luck with your Mom...And the end of school.... Mimi

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RWD said

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said a normal, carefree, kids life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not think that there is anything "normal" about having a carefree life. When I think of how I want my children raised, "carefree" is not an adjective that would be at the top of my list. Obviously I don't want them burdened with worrying about where their next meal is coming from, but I think it is far more important to have a life characterized by the gradual assumption of responsibility and learning the values of honesty, integrity, etc. I would not want to encourage them to befriend someone of poor moral character.

My kids learned early on that if their animals are hungry and so are they, the animal's needs come first, because they can not feed themselves. They have always led a life that was not carefree - every day there was always something they were responsible for, and it seems to have worked quite well, since my adult children are very responsible.

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maw64 Offline OP
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Nellie - I agree responsibility is a wonderful trait to instill in your child while they are growing up....

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What I ment by carefree, was not having to worry about what they can or cannot say to me or their mother for that matter, not to be worrying about upsetting me and feeling they have to keep secrets. Not having fights with either parent.

I agree with the need for responsibilities.

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RWD - I understand what you meant - and I have been waiting to have the little talk with my daughter about - well you can talk to me about anything - !! Don't worry about my feelings it isn't about me it is about you ..And if something bothers you at school, with a friend, with your dad, something that I do - I always want to be the first to know... So I am planning on having that little talk this weekend.. I am going to explain to her that it sort of just caught me off guard and that I didn't react the way that I liked and I am sorry if I made her uneasy...

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Let me/us know how it goes. This is one area I struggle with with my d, even just general topics. My son always butts in and my d has given up trying to talk when he is around.

I spent a lot of time with my son over their spring break, and almots none with my d, so I need to get something going with her.

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RWD - I will let you know how it goes tomorrow - I am going to talk to her either tonite or tomorrow mornign... But knowing her she will say it is no big deal - but I am going to have a productive talk with the both of them - about feelings and such and why theirs are so important to me - I will let you know...

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I think it is critically important to never pretend that wrong is right, or to pretend that you are ok with something when that is not the case. My children are not afraid to argue with me, and as a matter of fact, several of them seem to enjoy doing so immensely. They are afraid to tell their father that they want more time alone with him, because they are certain he would refuse to see them at all.

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RWD - I had my talk with my daughter and I pretty much told her that I was sorry that I got upset...But that it still hurts me very much and sometimes I react before I think.. I told her that I wanted her to talk to me about anything - because I was her mom and that is what I was for.. And she simply said you won't tell Dad and I said No I would not.. It was between me and her... And I did tell her that if she didn't want to be with the OW than she needed to say that to her Dad - and she said she would... \

Nellie - I agree with you on not telling the kids that something is right when it is definately wrong... My children know that I do not believe what their Dad did to me was right - They also know that I don't believe in any kind of lying at any time...And that sometimes I think their dad might tell them stories... to maybe not hurt their feelings.. But again - I am better off not talking to their Dad and letting them have their relationship with him...But his relationship with them at best is horrible.. For example - my youngest asked to go with her Dad this weekend - and he said no he couldn't - then he went away the whole entire weekend with the OW next door neighbor - now they know this because well she lives next door and hasnt' been home since Friday - Yup in truth it bothers me - but more so to the extent right now - that my kids do not rate any kind of importance with him what so ever... But again - not my problem - and they will know who the true parents are... right?


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