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#769628 04/21/04 09:54 AM
Joined: Mar 2004
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A day that I dreaded but expected has come. My WW has asked me for a separation.To summarize my situation: Our M was okay but very little sex and no passion. W confided with ex-boss (his M was in bad shape too)and they began an EA last Oct. PA began Jan 04 (DDay 3/20/04). W's mom died last Sept and she is in the "life's too short to be unhappy" stage. We have 3 little girls, the youngest is 10 months old with developmental delay and has 5 therapists. We both still live at home. I have been in an excellent plan A for 2 months. We both see IC but no MC.

Anyways, got a letter from her yesterday saying that it has been 3 months since she told me that she was questioning her feelings for me and nothing has changed. She hasn't been able to sleep for a month. She has been in contact with OM the whole time but they have decided to go NC for a while so both can work on their Ms. She tells me how OM met all of her needs and that she wanted him too. She may love the OM.She says that if our M ends, it won't be due to the OM but because she can't get any feelings back for me (NO KIDDING, how can you if you're involved with someone else). She says I deserve someone who feels about me the way I feel about them. She can't believe that I can forgive her (I do, I'm a Christian). She wants I trial separation so that she can "figure things out and see if she misses me". I haven't responded to her yet, she thinks that I will be the one to move out as I have asked her in the past if that's something she wants. However, I did not have the A and I will NOT move out. That's not fair to me or our girls. My Mom/Dad are retired and can give me all the help I need. Money is not a problem.

What do I do here?? How can you "work on the M if you're separated?? Do I consult a lawyer?? Do I insist on MC?? How long should a separation be?? I never thought our problems were so bad that we couldn't work them out. HELP ME PLEASE!

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Next weekend is an MB seminar in California somewhere. Can you get her there? This could be an effective means to get back on track.
And while the cost may sound prohibitive, its far cheaper than divorce, or weekly MC.
Look on the site and find out more about it.
If you can get a sitter, see if you can do some Triage. At a minimum, it may help her understand her EA & PA.

Joined: Mar 2004
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I feel your pain. My XW also cheated on me and when confronted with it, also said that if and when we divorced, it would not be because of the OM, but because I didn't meet her needs. From everything I have read, it is very typical for someone in her shoes to make this claim. They are in complete and utter denial and it is their way of justifying the affair and putting the blame on you. Very sad. But you are correct, as long as there is another man in the picture, there will be no reconciliation. I am also a Christian and was willing to work things out even after I found out about the affair, but I have to tell you, the day she moved out, when I came home that evening, there was such a peace in my house and I felt so relieved that she was gone. It does get better. Have a little pride and do not settle for anything except for the best. If you need anymore advice, please post. My situation was just like yours.

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Man I feel for you from the bottom of my heart. Why? My WW did the same thing. Separated and on Monday she will hand me divorce papers.....

Listen, separation is seldom helpful. But if she insists, there's not much you can do but pray and Plan A her. If she's not responding to Plan A. It's Plan B time!

You need to know the facts...many separations end in divorce.

As one posted, the peace is helpful at getting a life back, so all is not doom and gloom. But it HURTS!

God be near you,
High Flight

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highflight,

Man I feel for you from the bottom of my heart. Why? My WW did the same thing. Separated and on Monday she will hand me divorce papers.....
Is she going to have you served or just hand them to you?
Handing them to you will do nothing unless you sign a waiver of service. (check with a lawyer to be sure, but this is how it works in most cases.)
If you don't agree with divorce, don't sign them.

Joined: Feb 2003
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In Great Pain,
My situation sounds almost exactly like yours except obviously, I am the BS and WH is the WS.
My WH's father died in Nov 03. We have a 10 month old daughter and a 3 yr old son. He told me he didn't know if he loved me on Valentines Day. He admitted EA w/ Coworker on 3/5/04 and moved into his own apt. on 3/6/04. I contacted a lawyer for child support & daycare expenses. WH is not helping with house payment. I changed locks, he only has access to garage. I plan A'd for a few weeks without getting much back from WH. I started plan B on 4/12. I put house up for sale 4/17/04. IMHO, you can't work on the M if you are separated. I think the separation should be as short as possible because the longer it goes on, you will lose your love for her. Trust me, the damage will be done and I am to the point that I don't really want my WH back now. He is in a major depression. I went to file for D on 4/19 but I didn't end up doing it yet. WH found out from OW that he was nothing more than someone that made her feel good about herself. He is depressed by her rejection and that makes me just sick. So now he is starting to realize what he has given up and now what he doesn't have. Anyway, the marriage can't begin to be repaired while she is involved with OM. If you have done excellent plan A for 2 mos. I think it is time for Plan B. Write your letter. Make it short and sweet. If you have any questions, let us know.
Good luck. Plan B will bring you peace. Continue your IC.

Joined: Jun 1999
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IGP,
I too know your pain. I agree for you not to leave the house. My x was still in contact with the om(they worked together) and I told her she could not live here and date, so she moved out. This will be more difficult if your w is having no contact as she states.

My x said the same thing, that they weren't seeing each other(but they would just exchange pleasentries when they did see each other. I found out they were still in regular contact. She even left for a weekend to be alone and figure this out. She later admitted om was to meet her but he didn't show and that's wehn she wanted to work on the marriage.

So I would advise, if she wants out, let her leave. Let her understand she will have to pay for her place to live since this is what will happen when/if you divorce.

It is still early in the "game" so I would keep the Plan A going. Any anger will show her you can't forgive her. Been there done that myself.

Plan A as long as you can.

Hang in!


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