I'm writing this wondering if anyone out there has some thoughts on this subject, either from experience or observation.

My situation in brief... We've been married 15 yrs. and have three daughters. My husband has been unfaithful in the past and has moved out twice before. He now claims to be totally faithful and wants to make our marriage work.

Sounds good but actions can indicate otherwise. He travels a great deal with his business so I can't really know if he is being faithful. He is not interested in me physically, although he says he still finds me very attractive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

As long as life goes his way, (no confrontations or expections from me) he can be very decent to live with. But it has to be life on his terms. He is also a good provider and a great father to our daughters. But he can be unkind and non-supportive towards me.

So, I'm left with a decision to make. To continue with our marriage "as is" or end it. I'm having a very difficult time accepting either option. One of my biggest concerns is for my daughters. I can't help feel they're better off with us together in a stable environment, even though the situation is less than desirable. But I could be wrong. Anyone else in this scenario or with thoughts on the matter?? Thanks for any input.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: Leah2be ]</small>

Leah2be,
I have often felt this way. That WH and I are just roommates more than marriage partners. I always felt like our marriage was "good" and he treats me "good" but not great. Then I found out about all the affairs. Let me tell you, I don't think you should settle and if things are this way, they are this way for a reason and you are probably blind to what is really going on like I was. I think I remember seeing an article here on MB regarding this subject. Try to find it and read it. My husband wasn't really interested in me physically either. Well, there is typically a reason for that. Don't be blind and don't settle for less. I'm not saying to divorce, I'm just saying try to find out what is really going on. Get into counseling together if you can.
Good Luck.

Hi Leah2be,

I'm in a very similar situation too.Married 13 years,2 daugthers,WH is a good father BUT do I continue in a Plan B approach or let him go and live wherever he wants and be done with him.My love bank has been in the negative for a long time and the difference for me is WH says he doesn't want to work on the marriage but then another day he says he thinks there is a chance for us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ugh.

Anyway,I am slowly filling out Legal Separation or Divorce papers from my Mediator and I am going to ask my WH to start filling them out too and see where it goes.I know I can never fully trust my WH again.He has gone above and beyond being hurtful,secretive and self centered,prolonging this long distance pathetic A.

He would have to be at home and making a herculean effort to repair things but alas,he is not even living at home,he is living with a another guy,his boss,because where he now works is too far for him to commute and I am done moving forever.We just moved into out dreamhouse a year and a half ago and I am not going to follow him around,from job to job,anymore.

Your WH is never going to develop feelings for you(despite your attractiveness) until he puts forth the time and effort,otherwise you are going to be like to ships passing in the day/night.Unless that sounds good to you,then you are "settling".

I am getting closer and closer to just letting my WH go.He is offering me nothing but financial support right now and even I have the kids 90-95% of the time now that he is living away(he comes home each or every other weekend).
I don't speak to him so there is no friendship there,even though I don't consider him a friend right now,he blew that too.

Anyway,I take it one day at a time.It's a tough choice.Sometimes making a list of pro's and con's help's you to see how the scales are balanced.In my case,the scales are tipped way over,NOT in favor of staying with my WH at this time.

O

Thanks Moving On and Octobergirl,

It sounds as if our stories all share some similarities. Moving On you wrote to not be blind. I'm doing my best to keep both eyes wide open. Actually, in the past I had them too open. I was hyper-vigilant and I about drove myself and my husband crazy. There is only so much you can do when chasing down the truth. After awhile I think you do what you can but then you have to let it go. I pray often that God would reveal truth to me. He has in the past and I'm trusting Him to do that again.

Octobergirl,I'm sorry that you're in the situation that you are in. My husband was in the back and forth mode when he was involved with the OW. But since being supposedly faithful he keeps saying he wants the marriage to work. Now I almost feel it would be easier if he didn't. Then the decision would be made.

Funny creatures we are... I fought so hard to make the marriage work when he didn't want it. Now he supposedly does want it and I'm ready to throw in the towel. I guess thats all for good reasons as this has been a long process.

MOVING ON and OCTOBERGIRL I hope your situations improve and that there is happiness for you both in the future. Thanks for writing and God bless!

Leah2be,
You are right now that I think about it. I say don't be blind - but when I quit worrying about what WH was doing and who he was with, I had so much peace in my life. I realized that I can't control him and he is going to have to find out for himself what he his doing and has done. He is finding that out right now, in a major depression, no OW and no BS. Like Octobergirl said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am getting closer and closer to just letting my WH go"...and..."I don't consider him a friend right now,he blew that too.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and like you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Funny creatures we are... I fought so hard to make the marriage work when he didn't want it. Now he supposedly does want it and I'm ready to throw in the towel. I guess thats all for good reasons as this has been a long process.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I don't know what to do now that he is reconsidering. I know that I have to set boundaries and I am not letting him back into my life without major changes from him. One thing I thought of today since he was diagnosed with severe depression yesterday is that you have to love yourself before you can love others.

Moving On,

You are right to think carefully before having him move back home. I would do it differently now then I did before. I wish I had thought more carefully about boundaries and such before having him move back home. You have the advantage right now in that he is going to want to do all he can to come back home. This is a great opportunity for negotiations. I hope you can work things out and that some positive changes can take place in your marriage - changes that last.

If he is suffering from depression, this might be the catalyst he needs to make some positive changes. I will pray that good could come from all you are both going through.

Leah2be,
Thank you for the prayers. We need them. He is being nice and respectful to me and it is nice for a change but I have to protect myself. He has done nothing but damage for the past 10 yrs and he really has to know what he wants and to leave infidelity, whether emotional or physical, in his past and completely change before I can ever accept him back into my life. I don't know if he can do it. He is getting in to see the psychologist next week so hopefully something will come of that. Whether we stay together or not, I hope he gets the help he needs. I feel pity for him right now. Even if he wants this or I want this, it is a sad situation because of our two babies that may have to grow up in a broken home. I will do my best to make it good for them and if that means being friends with thier father I will. We have always thought we maybe we would make better friends than lovers....we'll see.

Hi Moving On,

I'm glad your husband is being kind and respectful. I know how much it can hurt when it isn't that way.

You seem to have a nice, positive perspective and attitude. I think that is great! I want to be able to have a respectful, decent relationship with my husband whether or not we stay married. I think this is really important when you share children together.

I know it's challenging with two young babies at home. I found it did get easier with my girls as they grew older. They are schoolage now and I'm enjoying them more and more. Because my husband is gone the majority of the time, they are primarily my responsibility. It was very draining when I had three young ones under four.

So keep looking up! You seem to be doing a great job of balancing openess for reconciliation with some good strong boundaries! Stay strong.

why waste your time? i don't mean to be presumtuous, but i am sure he's got a life out there and i am sure you don't. this is the best set up for him. he loves it this way. no, i am getting out. let him be somebody else's room mate. i am not a room mate unless you are someone i know and are female.

Glenda94, Who are you speaking to? All of us? I guess we are at this site for a reason, it is called Marriage Builders not Marriage Destroyers. We have hopes or have had hopes to save and repair our marriage. Yes, sometimes we all feel like you do. One day we want to work things out and the next we don't. We are almost just as confused as the WS but not quite. Do you know that whatever problems you have in your marriage you will most likely take into your next marriage or next relationship? Just because the marriage ends it does not mean that the problems do and most of us that have kids with our WS will have to deal with WS for the next 17 years anyway. I know where you are coming from but there is no reason to live in hatred when you will have to deal with this person forever anyway. If we didn't have kids, I probably would have been gone already. I am to the point that I am starting to not have any fond feelings for him anyway. He is losing my love, he has almost burnt the bridge down, but I have to be sure for the sake of my children. I don't want to do them harm.

Read "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". Sooner or later, the roomate situation could turn abusive. And ask yourself if you would want your daughters in this sort of a M. IF not, file for legal separation and be open to reconciliation. You don't have a M.

CHERISHED,

Thanks for the book recomendation. I'll have to read it. Of course, I want so much more for my daughters. There is much thought and prayer that goes into this decision. Thanks again.