Hi everyone,

I am reading some input on "foglifting." I love to see that in many cases the fog does lift before it's too late. And I love to see that so many of us tried to hang in there so we could begin the rebuilding of our marriages.

But I'm more curious about what will happen if the fog does lift after the marriage is broken and divorced. In my case my STBX has shown absolutely no remorse. He is dragging out the D and extremely hostile and angry toward me. I am trying to move on. I want to move on. It's been unbelievable to me the incredible amount of hurt that is ongoing. I just think that if he would get his head out of his rear and just be civil, we could actually be friends. I wasn't the one who had multiple affairs, I just want to move forward based upon his lack of remorse and hurtful ways.

So you guys are saying that the fog WILL lift, eventually. Is this pretty much across the board or am I going to be left with the one person who will continue to make my life a living hell b/c we are bound by children?

It has been ashtonishing to me the number of people who have complimented me on how I am handling myself through this (A lot of thanks to MB!!) And they comment to me and to him that he is crazy for not trying to work things out.

I think I would feel a little better just knowing that he took some ownership in his part of this failed marriage. I shouldn't wait and hope for it, but I just don't want to have any ill feelings between us, even if we can't be together.

Listen to the lyrics. Warning ... get a tissue box.

For some WS who has other unresolve emotional issues beside A, sadly, they might not have the coping skill to get out from their fog.

-rh-

If/when the fog does lift, it doesn't mean the person will own up to their behaviour in any way whatsoever...just be forwarned. They will very likely find themselves in a place they didn't intend to be and more than likely make excuses to defend their stupid mistake.

In my case, my x-H's fog did lift somewhat (he was a recovered alcoholic and is still drinking) after the divorce was started, and he is very sorry for what happened. He wishes it would have never happened.

However, he is still living with OW and loves her and still loves me and acts like he's still my husband sometimes! Oh well......

He wishes (and he's only said this once, but I know it's what he really wishes) he could have her AND me. How ridiculous!!

So even if the fog does lift, don't expect the person to be the same. The "fog" isn't just something that comes and then goes; once it comes, it changes the person for good, at least from what I can tell. Then it may or may not go.

And, for what it's worth, had he been remorseful and totally disengaged from the OW at the time the fog lifted, I would probably have considered reconcilliation. But he didn't.

After my x's marriage to the om broke up(he went back to his x), she wrote me an apology letter, but it was still pretty much all about her. SHe know understood the pain I went thru, she wasn't coming back to me. It was anything but a heartfelt apology. I never really accepted it.

Late last year I saw she was coming out of the fog and was about half way back the person I knew and was married to. But she recently met someone, and the fog seems to be taking over again. Maybe I am just crazy, but she has enough time without the kids to be dating then, not when she has them.

I was cleaning out phone messages tonite and there was on to our d, that said, "you are coming over for a few days, but I have plans tonite!" So d didn't go over.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: RWD ]</small>