How many out there feel they have lost everything, that are heart broken, that are having a hard time going on from day to day.
I know there are many, who say it gets better with time, that have been thru it, and are better for it.
But how many are right now in the middle of broken-heartedness, in despair, of disbelief to what happened of "MY LIFE"
I want to hear from you, because I feel this way.
How many feel that their divorce has destroyed or nearly destroyed them?
The wishing that their family, their spouse were
all together as a family.
How many wonder how their spouse can feel happy with their family broken apart, kids going here, going there.
How many of you are the jilted spouse, the victim of a wayward spouses actions.
When the wayward spouse went wayward and kept on going?
How many pray for a chance to reconcile, when really there is no chance?
I am one of those.
Friends say I'm better off....funny I don't feel
better off, I just feel off.
When I see my former spouse with the man she left me for with my family (kids), I feel nauseous, I feel like crying, I feel lost.
When we were married, we were joined as one.
17 years later we were ripped apart, and all the good parts of me went with her, my spirit, my laughter, my confidence, my love.
I feel like an empty shell.
Does anyone else feel like me?
I almost should say, I don't even feel anymore.
Why is it someone you trusted, you loved, you told all your secrets to, could turn on you?
Could try to destroy, to get you out of the way of her new relationship, her new life?
Even though it has been a year now, it still feels like yesterday. I never even got a chance to say goodbye.
Are there any other empty shellers-how do I go oners here.
Just let me know I'm not so alone.

lifeless, mindless, spiritless...

The iron will that everyone around me swore would never break, is shattered to pieces.
I have friends who have left me during this time, because they relied on my strength... when it left me, so did they.

The worst part about this is that I can see the struggle in her. The two paths that lay before her pulling with equal force... all she can do is stand there, frozen in her own fear, while I waste away, waiting for her to choose.

<small>[ April 23, 2004, 04:59 AM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

rufustfirefly,

I am deeply sorry for the pain you are feeling at the moment. I know it well. I know it intimately. You've defined it quite succinctly. I too know about fair-weathered friends who are there in your moments of strength but who oddly disappear when you are in need.

I guess that's why boards like this are so popular.

rufustfirefly, short of the description of your situation which you gave in your post, I know nothing of your story. I can, however, feel your pain (to coin a cliche). I understand it.

There are no easy answers. No quick fix. No band-aid solutions. The best advice I could give (which I don't often take myself) is to surround yourself with people who are supportive, whether they be family or friends or new friends. New friends are no less important than "old" friends just because they were not around during the breakdown of your marriage. Often times, they bring a new fresh perspective to the sitatuion, or if nothing else, they serve as a distraction since they don't know all the gory details.

Try to keep as close to your children as possible. I understand the challenges of non-custodial parenting, but do make the time to see your children, and spend some quality time with them. In spiteof what you might see, they need you right now. They are just as lost and confused as you are. Their friends are treating them "oddly" too. As their dad, you can take some of that sting away...and perhaps they will do the same for you.

I can only tell you that things do get better over time. I imagine that's not what you want to hear ... it doesn't help right now, does it. But it is the truth.

I have a tendency to hibernate or close the windows, draw the shades and lock the doors when I'm feeling as you are. It's one of my coping mechanisms. But it's not a healthy one. I have to force myself, many times, to get out there and live life. This after five years since the dissolution of my first marriage. (A quickie disastrous second divorce made things that much worse.)

I really have no advice to offer. I just wanted you to know there are those of us who have been where you are.

Brothers,

I feel for you as I've said many of the same things. My WW left taking all the good things about her, running from the problems in our home.

She took her love and affection, and our children and left the house, stuff and bills here for me to take care of.

She gives her love to another man now, and tells me how I should be happy to see our daughter every other weekend, and how she doesn't like when our daughter stays with me on Sunday night so I'm the one who takes her to pre-school on Monday.

I take solace in the fact that I'm not the demon she paints me to be, and I still hold out hope that she discovers that she cannot run from herself.

While I'm not a perfect man, and I'm a man of strong logic, reason, and not very compassionate, I'm also a man of integrity and honor, and have been very hurt by this breach of trust.

I have to listen to her say that this marriage was a mistake, should never have happened, that God wants her to be happy, so it's ok with God for her to seek a divorce, etc.

All the while, all I say is that I don't believe the marriage is hopeless, I own my faults and have admitted the ones I know about to her, and to God, and have asked both her and God to respectfully share with me their vision of a successful relationship.

From her, I just get anger and hurt, and yes I know she hurts. This confuses me because I know in my heart I NEVER tried to hurt her, yet she is hurting and blames me. I accept the responsibility for not being very sensitive and I am ANGRY that she has broken her vows, filed for divorce, controls when I can see or talk to our daughter.

I resent the fact that under our state law, infidelity does not matter in a divorce, custody or support hearing. The only thing that matters are dollars and cents.

I resent that because I make 4-5x what she makes that the court can award me with her legal fees for a divorce I don't even want. So while I cannot make her stay in a marriage she doesn't want to be a part of, she can, "make" me pay for a divorce that I don't want.

I have said to her that she should ask the OM for the money she needs to divorce instead of seeking that money from me. Ditto for alimony.

Yet, I still want to reconcile.

So yes, I do understand this jumble of feelings.

Tony

Rustfirefly - I have those days - and yet I have the house - I have the children... I just don't have him...And to tell you the truth I couldn't imagine - being betrayed and loosing the kids, the house and have everything taken over by the OW - To put it plainly that s*cks.... I mean it is bad enough just being replaced as the wife... But to have to have your children live somewhere else - well I say you are all doing remarkable jobs... You are still hanging on and being the father that your children need...and deserve....I don't think that there is anything wrong with wondering why it all happened but I guess there has to come a point of acceptance - and I think that happens in stages...I mean you didn't ask to be replaced... But someday -- you will find happiness... and you will adjust to the situation...The sad part is I don't think that we will ever have the reasons why - that many of us really search for... You are definately not alone.... I am divorced 1 year and 7 months and I still have these days - but again I also have better days more than I used to...So remember for every bad day you have there are two more better ones just around the corner....