I had to leave my H & home almost 2 wks. ago. We've had our problems over the past 5yr., he had been very verbally abusive & on some occasions he would punch holes in walls, trash contents on counters, throw things,ect. But I always said that he would never touch or hurt me physically. That would be the last straw. Well, I can no longer say that. It was ugly, it was scary. He threw me around quite a bit, locked me in bdroom, ripped phone out of wall The brusies are healing, but my heart is not.
I know I can never go back to that house. And right now I feel nothing for H. So I should get a divorce & get it overw/ right? Well, Im the forever hopeful type and I think....what if he gets help? What if i could love him again. I dont think I could ever feel safe w/him again.
My 3 children are having such a hard time w/ this. They arnt saying thats what it is, but they are so angry. Sometimes w/ me, other time w/ each other.
The reality of what happened hasnt set in to my H yet. He just doenst get it. But he is in counseling and he admits he has a problem.
So what about a legal seperation. Give it a yr or so and see if he can really change?
Im not so sure Im capable of making such a decsion right now. Its all I can do to get thru the day and cope w/ the kids emotions & I dont really get time for mine.
Any advice would be appreciated

I didn't go that route. I just took being separated as long as I could before I filed (2.5 years) and it took another year to get divorced. At least, I think that's how long it was. GOod grief, I don't even remember how long I've been divorced. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

One advantage of legal separation is that you retain your insurance benefits if you are on his insurance. That was part of the reason I held out as long as I could.

Let's see....s was 2.5 when his dad left. He was almost 6 when divorce was final. 3.5 years. I was right. And, thanks to COBRA, I had insurance another 3 years.

I guess maybe a didnt word the subject of the post correctly.
Its more then just the legal seperation or divorce issue.....Im hurting, my kids are hurting and I dont know how to handle all this?

Im the one w/ bruises and my kids are feeling sorry for daddy. It breaks my heart to see them cry for their dad. I spend so much energy coping w/ the kids (and I dont regrett it), i dont have time to cope w/ my own emotions.

I don't know how old your children are but I got my girls and myself into "family" counseling when they were 6, 9, & 11. It was a great experience for all of us. Plus the counselor gave me some tools to help the kids through future events.

With that in the works the time to work through your own emotions are limited, basically when the kids aren't around. Do you have someone who can watch them for a couple hours while you take a drive or go for a walk in the evening?

I would also recommend atleast getting a consultation with an atty as soon as you can to find out your rights.

Best of luck. Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

My children are 4, 10, 13. My 10 yr. is very much like his father. Very angry, negative, & has started punching things. He also relates to his father better than me. Since the seperation he has been very mean, nasty, & hateful to me & the other kids. He doesnt want to live here, he wants to go home. I have been very adimant about teling him "no" you will stay here w/ me. But I changed my mind yesterday. He is causing so much pain to everyone else because he wants to go home. I just broke down & said "go call your dad" And dad was here in 15 min. to pick him up. It broke my heart to see him go. He didnt even tell me good-bye. I dont expect him to stay there very long& I feel I was doing more damage to him & our relationship by keeping him here. So I pray that his eyes will be opened (right now he feels sorry for dad,...im the bad guy) and he will want to come home where he belongs with me.
But it still hurts like heck!!!!
I will be calling his counsler this morning to get him back into see her.
I knew this was gonna be hard on everyone, just didnt know how hard.

It does sound like everyone needs counseling.
Is there a woman's crisis center in your area?
They typically offer free counseling, and are particularly focused on abusive situations.
Safety first! Even if that means dealing with an angry child.

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 08:46 AM: Message edited by: newly ]</small>

For me, the legal separation was the END of my pain and anxiety. It may not be the same for you.

In my state (NY), the only real route to a divorce is to have a legal separation in effect for a full year. That legal document then becomes the grounds for divorce if either party requests such at the end of the year. In effect, to me anyway, the divorce occurs with the signing of the separation agreement. Waiting out the year is like a formality.

In our case, my W wanted the house, and I did not. That meant she had to come up with the cash to BUY me out of my half of the house. She found a way to do that, so our legal separation set the terms for payment. I then signed the house over to her.

The INSTANT I signed those deed transfer papers and walked out of the damn lawyer office (my W was refinancing the mortgage), I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. And for weeks preceding this, knowing it was coming, I could hardly funtion - my stomach was tied into knots walking into the place that evening.

It's funny, but my wife was right. She wanted "closure" to the whole thing, and wanted me to sign over the house to her. I wanted to hold on, try to keep working at our marriage, and keeping the house in both our names was a big part of that "holding on" process to me. To give that up signalled the true end of the marriage, and I just didn't feel I was ready for that. Somehow, when it was over, I realized I WAS ready for this, and my W was exactly right about us needing closure as part of the healing process.

At least we were able to do this without the "assistance" (read: money grubbing) of lawyers. We came up with the terms ourself, and required a minimal amount of time from the vultures, simply to draft the document and file it with the courts.

It's amazing what you can do together when you put your minds to it, isn't it? It is also quite ironic to me that the ONE time we worked best together in our whole marriage, and we able to make friendly, rational decisions instead of selfish, irrational ones, was during this separating process. It went very smoothly, and while my W did slightly take advantage of the fact that I did not want lawyers involved, and she low-balled me on the dollar figure, the peace of mind I now feel was worth whatever amount I may have given up. In the end, a contentious divorce is nothing but a lose-lose situation, and I suppose I should feel very lucky that we were able to avoid that. She does have a daughter (from her first marriage) to care for, and I'm probably too nice of a guy for my own good sometimes, but I certainly don't feel I got walked all over in this. I will have enough cash in a year to go elsewhere, buy a house, and be quite happy I am sure. Having a dream is the key to happiness, that's what I've discovered in all of this. My old dream died, and I grieved over it terribly, but I have a new dream now, and that is what gives me new hope and inspiration for the future. Everyone needs a dream to work towards.

I'm not sure how the laws work in your state, so my experience may not help you much, but I thought I'd offer it anyway. Best wishes.