Hi
This is my first time in a forum. God bless you all. I need some type of advice. My husband just told me it's over and he wants a divorce. He is constantly in forums and instant messaging. I have been trusting in God that things will change but I do not know what to do if I get served with divorce papers. He does not want to speak to me and when he does he is very angry.Help please. annie

Dear Annie,
I am so sorry that this has happened to you! Can you give some details as to what led up to this? God bless you, I am praying for you.

Hi levite:

I'm sorry you have to be here........but considering your present circumstances, it's the best place you can be.

What is your H (husband) using as his reason for "it" being "over?" Is he having an A (affair)?

What you are describing happened to me. Only H never even told me.......I just came home from work one day, and he wasn't here.........there was a note on the TV, and div. papers in the mailbox! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I had NO clue previous to that. Found out later that he was involved w/another woman.

Yes, we went through w/the div. It was a hellish time. BUT, this site was immensely helpful in keeping me sane, and the good thing is that it DID bring me closer to God......we had both drifted away. I will NEVER do that again!

As for H, as you can see in my sig line, H was with OW (other woman) till March 1, when she died suddenly. He is now trying to "mourn, then figure out" what the rest of his life will be like. I think I KNOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I believe God is bringing him HOME!! But he doesn't want to know that yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sooooo, my advice to you is to start reading! Read everything you can on this site.....click on the links above to the Concepts pages. LEarn about Plan A, Plan B, etc. YOu need a PLAN to bring you and H closer again. Read advice from some of the sage "old-timers" - be careful WHOSE advice you take, tho. There are people all along the spectrum here. I always make it a practice to listen more intently to those who have been here a pretty long time (They KNOW what they're talking about!! They've gone through it!!)

This will be hard work, but without a plan, you will only end up despising each other and you will LB (Love Bust) him right out of your life permanently!

P.S. You can read and learn all about Love Busters in the Concepts above.

BTW - Go over to the Prayer Requests forum where we all pray for each other, and restoration of our Marriages. Also, check out these sites:
http://www.restoreministries.net/ and http://rejoiceministries.org/

These are 2 web sites where their marriages were broken apart, but GOD brought them back together for HIS GLORY!

Hang in there, sweetie. We are all here to help each other get through one of the toughest situations anyone can ever go through.

God Bless,

Annie,

Sorry to hear this but you are in a very good place here. I strongly suspect that he is involved with someone else. The behavior you cited is very common in an affair-whether emotional or physical.

If you get served with papers, honey, you will do what everyone else does...live through it even though it may be really hard sometimes. But we're always here to talk and help however we can.

I agree with Maria, we really need more info to be able to give much good info back to you.

Annie
I want to echo what everyone else said - this is the absolute BEST place you can be at this point in your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You Said: He is constantly in forums and instant messaging </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, that's a very good indicator of at least an emotional affair.

More details would help us support you. How old are you and your husband? Do you have kids? How long have you been married? Any major life crises (major surgery, death of immediate family, loss of job, etc.)?

gby
finally,

I had a lot of trouble getting here don't know what happen. Anyway, I send a response. I think it was under post not sure. I am so sick that I am not thinking straight. If you can not find it please let me know. Sorry!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

gby,

sorry, but I don't know where my reply went.

Here I go again:

Thank you for replying.
I have been married 18 years. Have 3 wonderful children two girls and a boy. I am 39 years old and so is my husband. The only difference is He looks older than me and I am not trying to be vain.
He had an affair 8 years ago. I found out reading his emails. He was having and emotional affair with a so called lady pastor in another state. Her husband was away in the army and she had all these different boyfriends on the internet and who knows what else but who cares. Anyway, in one of the emails I read it said that he had an affair with someone at his job. It was a messy summer. Finally, God placed it in my heart to forgive him.
He has changed a lot over the past two years. He stop going to church. One month ago he stop talking to me and told me it is over he wants a divorce. I am trusting in God for a miracle.
Two months ago God used the pastor to speak to me and reading "Elijah"by Chuck Swindoll this month I was ministered again with the same verse.
One month ago my pastor put me to preach at my church for a fasting retreat. I am not a preacher and do not like preaching but wanting to be obedient to God I did preached. It was on Exodus 14:14. " I will fight for you and you should hold your peace". I know why I had to preach now. God has been my peace!!!

It is very dark right know.
He does not want to go for counseling and never did. He said he went to counseling a couple of months back but he did not want me know then he told me with a very angry voice. For how long I do not know. He is spendig more and more time in the computer. He changes his clothes which he never did when he came home makes sure his hair looks good and exactly around 12 midnight he puts on his web cam and goes to yahoo Instant messaging which he never had before. I have a feelling he is speaking to someone from yahoo because in his forum there was someone he was speaking to from yahoo. I asked him who is this lady emailing you? Is it the same lady you were speaking to on the forum. He was upset and changed all the passswords in his sight and email and told his friends on the forum that I was jealous of this lady. Is he talking with her I do not know. He is a webmaster and a great hacker. I do not know if he will be reading this message. I do not care. He made his own bed. He is a very bitter and angry person right know.

I am going to see a counselor this week.

I really need to make a decision. I really need God's continued guidance in my life. I want to continure being ( at least trying to be)the woman in Prov. 31.
It is very strange because I have being sick since monday and he has made me tea and called me from work to see how I am doing.By the way he stop calling me from work a long time ago.

He says he still loves me. I am willing to make the marriage work but he has shut down (no counseling,no talking about us because there is no us, etc.) Waiting in God.

I am not an expert with computers. I learned a lot 8 years ago when I did my investigation on my own by the way. I really do not have much time to spend on the computer with work, the kids, and most important God. If I go to the computer when my husband is at home he is like an addict without his drugs. when are you getting off the computer?? pacing back and forth. so if it takes me a while to response he is on and I can't get to the computer.

Thank you for all the support and the sites.

waiting for your response. Please keep me in prayer.

gby
annie

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: levite ]</small>

AL LETTER TO MY WIFE & ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE OF PAIN :

Very disorganized... i simply wrote ...

Annie (Levite),

Being that I can’t even talk to you as you may claim anything and send me unjustly to jail, I have no other recourse but to write to you. Maybe in hope that once and for all, you understand things, even if it is for the last time and if you don’t care… I can feel, that at least, I said my peace and TRIED to make you understand.

My pain and my anguish for the past few months and specially these last 3 days is the most I have ever felt in our entire marriage… I have been treated like a lowlife criminal when I am not. To say that I did those things and to pretend that you did nothing is absolutely heartbreaking and I never thought you as a Christian, would twist the truth like that. I come from work, to find myself locked out of my own room… a room we have shared for 18 years. All I did was return my things, next to the ones of my wife. Yes, I have been frustrated to the point that I wanted to leave you and even asked for a divorce, but even you knew that in it all…. I do love you…. You have been my wife for 18 years. Now, I have been humiliated in front of my children, in front of my family, and in front of our neighbors. Its hard for me to look at God and not ask him why did I deserve this… why is it that the person that I most love can’t see my pain and frustration. Truly I feel that God has not heard my cry and my pain…

You have constantly accused me… I can never meet your standard as a man. For this reason I drifted away from you even in the house. I know that 8 years ago I caused you pain…. And it has hurt me even more than you…. No with this pain it does not mean that yours was not horrible… at least I deserved what I felt… not you. But after all these years, I could never meet your standard… I felt worthless… I was constantly compared to my father, the adulterous man. I swallowed it for years… knowing that I had failed you… but the pain you cause me every week that you accuse me of having an affair with one and another woman who gets in contact with me, made a toll in my heart… even as I write, I cry in frustration and pain, that you will never understand. I was faithful to you… I wanted to show you that I loved you. But the moment I came happy to you, you would again, accuse me and deny that you did the same. To be a child of God and to become my state by constant accusations is a horrible thing to bear by any human being. I cannot count the days that alone in my basement I cried after you accused me… After all, my life was so predictable… I woke up, I went to work, returned, and spent the day in my basement. I left the church, the band, company of my many friends and my own brothers, just to have you feel comfortable that I was not doing something wrong.

I still remember the day, I decided that I would not return to church after you accused me with R***y, the pastor’s daughter and then with N***a the youth president… to you it was just another woman that I could fall into sin, as I was just like my father… weak… incapable of honoring his wife… yet I KNOW I did honor you… I only wished to do it for you. You claimed that you did not accuse me, but that you were concerned about them and their behavior… but if you did believe in me, you would know that even if a prostitute would be with me offering me free sex, I could make a CHOICE and say, NO THANKS, as I have in many occasions. The more you accused me with one or another… the more I drifted from you… sometimes I even blamed myself for abandoning you… for what you had done to me. I wanted and I did blame myself for your doings… making my life worst and worst… sinking myself more and more… but you never saw that… all you thought was that I did not care… that I abandoned you, that I did not want, that I couldn’t… but I do care, I do want, I have been able.

My tears in my basement have been happening for a very long time… only being ignored by me getting busy in a study…. Writing all day and all night, to take my mind away from the next time that you would accuse me the following week and as the ONLY link to God that I had left. IT NEVER FAILED… once and once again you will accuse me of adultery. It had become the norm… and I cried and I cried when no one saw me. But at times, our daughter would catch me… I did not want her to see me…. I did not want anyone to see me … I knew God knew… and even through it… I still trusted him. Only my daughter knew… and for this reason she may have resented you… for this I am sorry, but I NEVER once told he why I cried… with the exception of the last time that I told her that I cried as I had become a hermit sitting in a basement, no longer a man. I can still hear you stating once and once again that you have evidences and that you had given them to your “lawyer” thing that you denied in front of the judge of having. You lied to me and you accused me and you fabricated a story… story that I was always confident of being untrue, which caused me to get concerned of your paranoia, which at one point you admitted, and never went for help.

In was around the end of December that I saw your daily works… haunting me, looking through my emails, looking in the forums, making copies of imaginary romantic relationships…. It was that day, that in midst of my pain I said ENOUGH… I was dead already… I had slowly died with my eyes wide open… I had to stop this vicious circular practice and behavior by telling you NO MORE.

Then you would come and kiss me and make up, and a few days later slap me in the face, with someone or some other circumstance. I got tired Annie… I am too hurt now… I cannot bare this any longer. Only one thing kept me alive and it was the deep and unconditional love to my children… and crazy enough… to you… to see that this condition was causing me to drift away from my children and to know that I have ALWAYS loved them with all my heart…

Many times in the last year I asked God to take me away… to give me a bad illness that you may see me suffer and probably be satisfied… that you could know that you had gotten even… but you got even with me many years ago… but you never saw that.

Yes, I do remember touching you… I do remember kissing you, telling you how much I love you and feeling so proud of your accomplishments. My greatest pride was to know how you cared for the things of the house and cared for the kids together with me and how you cared and pampered me in the past…. But I saw that disappear… I see your bitterness towards me hurting me… bitterness and accusations that caused me to break and that caused me to fall once and once again. You were way more influential in me than you thought.

Yes, I have been very upset in the past 6 months, so upset that I wanted to leave you… I wanted my pain to stop, as my pain now is greater that my love for you… but because you can’t see my heart, you could never understand what that means… I wish I could hate you and leave you… but 18 years with you is not done because of hate… I always knew that even though I hated to admit it… I have always loved you. You knew you always had the upper hand on me when you asked me that question and only when you had me extremely angry would I say otherwise. But someone with me for 18 years knows… I seriously think that your behavior may have been caused by your own stress and I know that it is not normal… but you refuse to go for treatment. You thought that I was saying that you were like your brother and this has NEVER been the case… I worry about you and even when I was concerned, as last night, or a few weeks ago… you yelled at me… reproaching my concern.

Now today, as I came from work, I cried the entire road back home, seeing how my dignity had been stolen from me… I am no longer a man and I simply stay, because I love my children, and because for some unknown reason, I still love you…. I don’t know if I could forgive you for humiliating me in public and making a circus of my life, making me no better than a common criminal who has an order of protection, simply because you did not want me to sleep in our bedroom on the floor. I placed the mattress on the floor in the room, as you know I cannot bare heat… you would constantly take it out, just so that I could sleep on the floor or God knows why. I never bothered you like you claimed in front of a judge, other that to ask you about your dealings and multiple money accounts, while I had no access to fix my car. Since we were boyfriend and girlfriend we have had a joint account and I have always trusted you with OUR money. Yet, to my surprise, you had taken loan money for our bills and opened an account with $3000 to $4000 while the checks where bouncing left and right (10 bounced checks and over draft checks in the last 2 months alone = $300.00). You refused to answer me, lying about money, about accounts, about supposed lawyers, even giving me a card of one. No, I never had a lawyer, although I did speak to someone… that someone is a Pastor, Supreme Court Judge, who simply told me… try to work it out. I would not spend a DIME on a lawyer, knowing that we are struggling to pay our mortgage and this is our hard earned money and need for our kids.

Yesterday… for the first time in my life… I went before a Judge, being accused wrongfully by you, simply because you did not get OUR room for yourself. Today, I could go to jail, knowing BEFORE MY GOD, that I did not do anything wrong, but come to OUR house, to change my clothes in OUR bedroom which without notice you padlocked, using the little money we have to pay our bills … but you wanted as always, to get back to me. I know that you are more Christian than this… I know that this could have NOT been your idea. I know that the same thing happened to you the first time, when Clarita gave you her “counsel” instead of praying to God for his… and as always… I pay for it… becoming a common criminal. From a minister of God… to a criminal… I guess I have a lot to be proud of.

Annie, several people have asked me to leave, my counselor advised me so, my closest friends have insisted that I do… my family have as well… but I only returned yesterday… because of one reason… my true family… you and my kids. Even as I stood there in the court, I cried in front of a judge knowing that I did nothing that you did not do worst that day… I did not start this… I did not padlock the room, even the kids yelled at you… “Mom, stop” … On my way back from court, I cried again… seeing you drive behind me my daughter only to comfort me. Last night, worried about you when I did not see your car at 4:30 am, I went to make sure you were ok, and you simply stated, “You are not supposed to be here”.

Annie I will not give you an opportunity to rob my children of their support because of a bad counsel… my check is the main means of provision that the Lord has given us. Perhaps, you never knew this, but in my job, anyone who is guilty of criminal abuse, is automatically fired, as the law requires them to do so. I am not placing myself at that risk (the judge even told my lawyer that I am in a horrible bind by accepting this)… But Annie, our children now are above ourselves and I made a choice that now I regret knowing that you have acted horribly and falsely against me.

Now the court appointed you a lawyer, and as neither of us could afford even the lawyer I will have to pay to represent me yesterday (who I found in less than 24 hours), which will place us into greater debt, I suppose that if you want me out of your life, this is your opportunity. If this is what you want, have them draw papers and so that you could be happy, keep all properties removing my name from them, not because I feel I am not deserving of all the hard work I have labored for our children day after day, but because, it is hard not to see myself being placed in jail by your wrongful accusations, me loosing my job, and my kids their only means of sustenance and the house.

I am sorry, that I could never meet your standard… and was always a Chalan to you… but one day… God will show you the truth… oro que el tenga misericordia de ti por lo que me has hecho… me robaste de mi dignidad de hombre y de mis hijos.

I will always love you…

MrAnnie

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: MrAnnie ]</small>