STBXW and I spend a lot of time together doing things with Kids. It gets very difficult for me at times to have to leave.

I can't take my children with me to where I am staying so I'll spend most weekends at home and everything is just as is always was but with no affection or physical contact between me and her.

Leaving today is almost as hard as it was months ago but this time I changed my whole attitude about things before I left.

I spent months doing everything I was supposed to for a good plan A. Did all I could to meet her EN's and I didn't put any pressure on her to reconcile.

I know she has no interest in us getting back together so tonight I told her that I can't be just friends with her anymore. I want too much more for us than just friendship. I also said that I will not pretend that I don't have feelings just so she does not get upset.

From now on she will have to deal with me saying "I love you" and "I miss you" She will also have to deal with the fact that D is her choice and, although I take full responability for problems in our M, I take no blame in giving up on it.

We had discussed in the past, her staying at her parents for the weekends that I was there with the kids but I always told her that I would like her to be there with us so we could be together as a family.

Well that is the way things have been for months and we all get along great and have a good time together but I can't do it anymore.

I can't move on If I can't let go of her and spending all these good family weekends together is just making me want more of them. so I told her that she needs to start going to her parents when I am there to be with the kids. And I told her why.

I made sure that she knew that it was because I loved her to much to continue being "just friends" with her and that I needed to be away from her so I can try to get over her and move on with my life.(and I thought it was hard to get up the courage to say "will you marry me")

I feel like I made a mistake and I should call her and tell her I'm sorry and I want to spend as much time with her as I can but I know that would just lead me deeper into the hole I'm in now.

This is gonna be hard to stick to because I do look foward to all the time we do spend together but It is not the kind of relationship I want with her. I feel like it has to be all or nothing or the rest of my life is realy gonna suck.

I realy wish I knew what tommorrow was going to bring.

Thanks for listening to my sunday night blues

WIWH

Have you read James Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough? In it he talks about taking your love away from someone in order to show them that you are desirable. You know, I'm sure, that sometimes the thing you didn't think you wanted becomes that much more desirable when it slips just beyond your grasp.

Maybe you need to distance yourself from her in order for her to see you as worth keeping.

I know all this is tough. I worked so hard on my marriage from before x moving until about 18 months after he had left. Then I realized I no longer saw myself as married - though I still was - and it was then that I really began to heal.

Have you tried to use the "nesting" approach to visiting your children.
That is, the children stay in the house and the parent's rotate in and out.
Again, she may miss the family time, and come back to you, and this may put you in a safe place in the interim.
This concept is described in the Mom's House/Dad's house book.

WIWH, do not call and apologize! You’re finally not letting her live out a fantasy. And you’re finally taking care of yourself. That is terrific. Don’t tell her you love her though. That’s setting yourself up for pain when she either says nothing or says she doesn’t love you. Now that the weather’s nice, it’s time to reap the rewards of being a weekend dad. Picnics in the park. Free concerts. Frisbee. A day at the shore. All relatively inexpensive if you plan right. It will drive her nuts that you do all this stuff with the kids instead of doing laundry, housework, yard work and errands. Of course, once you get your own place, you’ll have to do some chores with the children and teach them how to do them too. That’s part of being a good parent. But for now, you are free to be the weekend dad from heaven or hell depending on point of view.

I am not sure what advice to give you, but I will share my story.

I had filed for D from my H. He too took all the blame for the m getting where it was, but he too was not going to give up hope. So, I had this fantasy of D with him, being friends, and still occasionally doing things as a family. I knew I was not ever getting serious with anyone, and thought I would be alone until the kids were out of the house. Although he did have his own place and took the kids every other weekend and one night a week.

Somehow reality set in for me. First off, I thought I didn't love him anymore and I told him this when he would push to reconcile. But, when he started dating, and I realized I really didn't want to be alone. I did not want to introduce someone else into my kids lives. I didn't want him to either. And he met HER kids too... I realized I was living a fantasy. A true D would never be that way. That is when I decided I need to try this again. To work hard to try and make a healthy M for us.

We were separated for almost a year. I had filed for D and it was to be final the end of Dec. We ended up reconciling in Nov. I NEVER thought we would be here. It is HARD work, but I am not sorry and so glad we are doing this work.

Hope somehow this helps you... I also feel that by doing things as a family and being "friends" it helped me to find some of the feelings I had lost for him.

I have'nt read much of anything lately but I do need to start again.

Bluebelle and Newly, I have heard of both these books and will look into them.


GG, I think this is a step in the right direction for my self and I won't call to appologize, I just felt like I was making a mistake. I know that this is something that I have to do to get my life back. I also stopped doing chores when I'm visiting. But I do clean up after me and the kids. If I arrive to a mess, I ignore it.

So Hard,

What you say is very encouraging but I am going to try to ignore it. False hopes are what got me to where I am and I can't do that anymore. It would be great if things worked out for me as they did for you but I don't want to consider it as a possibility. I would rather have it be a surprise.

WIWH

WIWH --

I'm sorry I didn't read this post before I posted my own thread about stopping contact. I really feel bad that you are in so much pain. I know that your wife is NOT even telling you what you want to hear. Unfortunately, my husband IS... yet he acts completely opposite. I'm not sure which is worse. I "say" that if my husband told me that he didn't want to be with me, it would be enough for me to close the door and move on. However, he tells me he loves me daily, we are in marital coaching, and he "says" he wants to come back home as soon as we get things worked out. Words, words, and more words!!! Where is the action to back them up?? I have no idea... because he sure does NOT make me FEEL like he loves me!!! He does not initiate any physical contact with me. Yet, if I call him on it, his response is "well, why didn't you start something?" Ughhhhhhh!!! How frustrating is that? I seem to be the only one of us with a problem with the lack of physical contact. It makes me so sad that he seems completely fine just having a platonic relationship with me.

I don't want my marriage to end..... but I do envy you in that at least your STBX is being honest with you. I know it's hard..... but you DO deserve better. I wish you all the best.

Sarah

SoHard,
Your situation sounds so like what my stbxw and I are going through would you mind me asking you some questions via email ? If not I would be happy to start a new thread so as not to take this one over.
Thanks,

DavidA

david@NOSPAMayersauctions.com
Just take out the NOSPAM for the correct email address.

WIWH,
I feel for you buddy, I'm in exactly the same situation with my W. Exactly! But I have not told her about not being able to just be friends. Has you W given you any feedback since you said this to her?

Sarah,

I wish I could go as far as NC but I can't and don't want to. I just want to stop the fake happy family game every weekend.

No matter what she says to me, it's not all that easy to just close the door.

And learninglots, yes I did get some feedback

Her interpretation of everything that I said to her was that I don't want to hang out with her anymore and I don't want her around when I'm spending time with the kids.

So I told her again that I do want to hang out with her as much as I can but I can't do it anymore if we are just going to be buddies.

And as for doing things together with the kids. I will always be willing to do things as a family for them. But not just everyday things. Only special occasions.

WIWH

Dear Wish - I see myself walking the same path you are on. Although I am not as far along as you are. My situation is just beginning. Right now I long to be friends with my stbxh. I bite my tongue when I see or hear things that, as a wife, I would have screamed about. Read about the cell phone call in one of my posts. I am looking at your situation as a guide post for me. Do I want to be friends with stbxh and laugh, smile, and talk cheerfully, only to be sent away to sit at my house alone. I am away from all family - my dad is two states away and my sisters and brother are as well. My husband was my life. He is a social butterfly though. The thought that hurts me more than anything is the fact that I will never get to "be" with him again as lovers. That some other woman will be a good friend and fall in to that place where I used to be. But we have to let go of those feelings and move on for ourselves. You sound like a great father, friend, and (sadly to say) ex-husband. I know you love her. Deep inside I'll bet she loves you too. I don't know of any advise I can give, just let you know that I feel for you and your heart's pain. I hate it when my heart actually hurts. So - I guess - - do what you feel comfortable with - if you know she is not going to budge any further than "friends", ask yourself if you can accept that. If you can...go... BUT DON'T CLEAN UP AFTER ANYONE BUT YOU AND THE KIDS! Hey-wish, I hope everything works out for you.
SS

one of the things that has bothered me over the months is that I always felt I had to hide how I felt so I didn't make her uncomfortable or feel guilty.

I'm not hiding anything anymore. If she can't handle my feelings for her and they make this all harder for her then thats tooooo bad!

WIWH,
I tried not telling my W as well, but I just couldn't. I had to let her know that I still love her. One thing my IC has taught me is that you can't make someone feel. You might have actions that invoke a response, but you can't make your W feel guilty. I continue to let my W know that I love her, even if all I get back is an "I know".

LL,
I agree. It doesn't realy matter if I get a response from her. That is up to her. All that I feel is up to me is expressing myself.

It would be nice to hear the same from her but I don't expect it and it doesn't bother me much anymore to not hear it.

I actually rote her a poem a while back. That is not like me but someone recomended it so I gave it a shot.

I sent it to her today and 5 minutes later she called to say she finally was able to get an appointment with a mediator.

I guess that will confuse her a little. Her calling mediators and me sending her love letters <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Turns out, the mediator may be a friend of mine from school so I need to call and cancel to start over again.