Hi everyone -I am back again. Just need some pick me up talk from anyone willing. As from past posts.. my husband wanted a divorce, for his serenity he said. He is back in AA and will have a 1 year b-day this week. He claims to have only been able to have stayed with me while he was using. It numbed him - he said. Anyway - I have been through the emotional rollercoaster of crying why, pleading-don't leave me, promising I'll be everything you want/need, to I hate you, You are destroying everything, you act like I am a 4 year date, back to ...Can we just be friends, no strings attached... I just want to be there for you... I'll help you all I can. He has offered no explaination for wanting out other than the serenity thing, our opposing views on children (young adult) behaviors, and my mental jekyl and hyde (as he says) personality. So early on - - during the discovery of the viagra in the back pack - I asked if there was someone else - NO he says. He states "I am not like that" I don't have any interest in anyone. I don't even look at women that way right now.
Well - - Speed the clock up to this week. He finally got his sick daughter up to a hospital/college campus setting. She is doing okay there for now. The first night he got there - I had to drive to another city 200 miles away to a business conference and I returned that evening around 12:00 a.m. - - phone rings when I get in bed and it is H. Can I do him a favor and go to his car which is parked at the daughters apartment and look for the court ordered power of attorney he has over her, and fax it to him. I say of course - anything to help. I get it - take it to be faxed.....
Next day - yesterday - at 2;00 p.m. I phone his cell phone to see how things are going. I connect - but he obviously doesn't know he hit the button and answered. I heard his conversation. I don't know who it was with or if he was talking to himself - but he said "beautiful women, the most beatiful women in the world, I LOVE women." When I heard that - it was like a knife in my heart. I have a very low self esteem and today - Ihate myself. I feel ugly and old, and used up and thrown to the side. After I hung up - I phone him again and he answered this time. I said "I just called to see how everything was going. I called a minute ago but you didnt answer - I tried to yell your name so you would hear the phone - but you didn't nad I heard somethings you said and you hurt my feelsings" He laughed, I told him what I had heard nad he laughed more, I said - I thought you were in a strip club or something. He said no - it is just up here at the univeristy and the hospital, everywhere you look. I said well it hurt my feelings. and he laughed again. I hung up on him. I feel like sh_t.

Hon, it is the denial. He doesn't want to admit that he hurt your feelings. I was in the same situation. I heard my ex calling his OW and telling her he love her many many times out side our bedroom window, and gave her these gross grunting hug sounds like he was in labor, and kissy kissy, it was so gross. I wish I had threw up on him out the window. I felt like you, like crap. They don't know how they have hurt us so many times. How, those words just drive a knife into our hearts.

Like my husband, your husband laughed, my husband denied and said it was nothing. Like I am stupid, and you are stupid. No hon, we are not stupid, we are just getting the knife stabbed into us, and we are suppose to deny even hearing these words.

I confronted my ex and he lied and lied to me. The lies hurt so much, and I have never been lied to so much in my life. I never believed that my ex now could of done that. I never believed that he could be so degrading. But it happens.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. The betrayer will get their return in the long run. God sees what they are doing, and they will be punished. For my ex doesn't show remorse or guilt for all he did to myself, and my children. Just the same crap, justifies everything.

Are you in counseling, cause counseling is needed for your self esteem. They put you down whenever they get a chance. They don't even have to think about putting you down, it comes so natural.

This is a hard road hon, keep posting here and get the help you need.

Thank you for you understanding. Truth is ... I don't know how to handle my next confrontation with him. He mentioned he would probably come back here today. We still live in the marital home, he of course gets to keep it and I have had to buy another house. So on top of being really afraid to move to a new area, I am dealing with a terrible realtor, and now this blow. I am going to counseling every week. Seems like all of my efforts to fix me are a day late and a dollar short though. I want to be the beautiful woman. I want to be the star in his eye. But I guess when you're 41, you can't compete with a university's smorgesborg.
So I prayed alot last night - and think I will just act as if nothing has happened. I just feel like saying "will the REAL H, please stand up"
But anyway - he expects that out of me. So I'll through him off and if I see him tonight, I will act as if nothing has happened and I am not doubled over in hurt. Self pity maybe - but my mind nad heart are sooo tired. Thank you again.